Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

White Liberal Wondering How Many Tweets They Have To Write Before Racism Is Canceled

Posted on June 3, 2020 by Kevin Tit

DALLAS — White liberal and exhausted local ally, Sonya Neptin, is wondering how many tweets they have to write before racism is finally cancelled, sources following their account confirm.

“I’ve spent countless hours sitting in bed tirelessly fighting against racism for months,” the trust fund recipient explained from their luxury apartment. “I keep sharing photos and text images of senator’s phone numbers to call with all my Instagram and Twitter followers. I share every ‘SAY THEIR NAME’ hashtag. I posted the blackout box, then a ton of stories about what I learned about myself after I took down the blackout box. I’ve either love reacted or angry reacted to every Shaun King video I’ve seen on Facebook, but nothing seems to be working. How long do I have to keep doing this before we do to racism what we did to Harvey Weinstein? WTF.”

Despite all their efforts, other Dallas activists don’t believe Neptin has been doing enough to make change.

“Sitting home and posting recycled memes all day probably makes her feel good, but it isn’t going to put an end to this systemic problem,” says Black Lives Matter activist Tenisha Simpson. “If these so-called white allies really want to help, they need to be the ones out here organizing and mobilizing in the streets. Doing a Tik-Tok dance challenge while wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt or tweeting a name they’re going to forget a week later isn’t going to cut it. POC shouldn’t have to constantly be putting their bodies on the line just to make it clear that we deserve to be treated with a basic level of decency — they should be using their privilege and voice to put an end to this system that benefits them and people who look like them, and I don’t mean like when they shared pics from that yoga retreat against racism. What the fuck does that even mean?”

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey responded to various inquiries which questioned whether posting about injustice on their platform actually has helped to end it.

“Police brutality is a huge problem in this country,” Dorsey stated. “However, as a businessman, these incidents have consistently led to huge spikes in traffic on the site. It’d be against Twitter’s best interest to do anything that would stop me from making more money, including making an effort to censor hate speech on the site. Unless that hate speech was targeted towards white men or other important people who help me stay rich, in which case Twitter has a zero tolerance policy.”

At press time, Neptin was seen learning the choreography to the George Floyd tribute dance video Madonna tweeted her son doing.

Real-Life RoboCop? This Police Officer Feels No Empathy or Remorse

Posted on June 3, 2020 by Dan Rice

Imagine if you will: a cold, unfeeling machine with a badge and a gun. A law enforcement automaton incapable of reason or compromise. Driven by a hidden directive to protect corporate interest over all else. If you’re picturing RoboCop, think again.

Officer Reginald Peterson is a New York City police officer and, technically, a human being. But Peterson is no ordinary man. Unlike 98% of our species, Peterson is unshackled by the restraints of guilt or sympathy.

In 12 years on the force, Peterson has fired his weapon 27 times and taken 27 lives. Talk about mechanical precision!

He has been accused of abuse of power, assault, sexual misconduct, and reckless endangerment but avoided repercussions each and every time. I guess you could say accountability just does not compute for this guy!

He may not have a gun that comes out of his leg but he votes Republican and gets a hard-on from killing people, which is just as dangerous.

When asked by a superior why he had no interest in moving on to detective, Peterson explained, “My trigger finger would get bored.” Fuck Robocop, there should be a movie about this guy!

So how did science create this ultimate super-cop? We reached out to Peterson’s court-appointed psychiatrist Dr. Ellana Gutierra to find out.

“Officer Peterson’s aggression has been well documented from an early age. He got into fights at school constantly, displayed racist and misogynistic inclinations, and tortured small animals. He also wet the bed chronically, for which he was often severely beaten by his alcoholic, police officer father. I believe what we see in him is the perfect storm of nature and nurture.”

Perfect storm, indeed! I guess when you mix nature and nurture you get one badass mother fucking cop! And unlike a certain officer Murphy, Peterson shows no signs of reclaiming his humanity in the third act. According to fellow officers, he shot 36 peaceful protesters before realizing the bullets were rubber.

Police Horse Unaware He is One of the Bad Guys

Posted on June 3, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Police horse Tiny Dancer, a member of the NYPD Mounted Unit, remains completely unaware that trampling protesters advocating for racial justice and police accountability plants him firmly on the wrong side of history, handlers familiar with the horse confirmed.

“Listen, I don’t want to be out in the streets stomping all over people, but if they’re going to yell at me and throw fireworks or rubber snakes near me, then I have the right to defend myself when I’m just trying to do my job,” said the horse in between carrots. “I would rather be leisurely strolling through Central Park shitting on walkways with impunity, but instead I’m stuck in the middle of these crowds while my handler hits everyone with pepper spray. Some of that wafts back at me and it fucking sucks.”

Activists in the community continue to speak out against obvious police brutality whether it comes at the hands of humans, horses, or dogs.

“When things are ‘peaceful’ you see countless blonde girls petting and taking photos in front of police horses, but as soon as a person of color advocates for their life in front of the same horse it just freaks out and starts stomping,” said protester Elya Robinson. “If that horse can’t control its violent outbursts then it should be out on the streets. It should be at some rodeo somewhere in Texas kicking over barrels or some shit. Fuck all cops, including stupid fucking horse ones.”

Lifelong stable hand Clive Seeley believes that most horses are born peaceful and only through conditioning do they turn into aggressive animals capable of abuse.

“Yup, reckon I’ve seen near on 4,000 horses in my day, and the most aggressive always find their way into law enforcement. There are some horses that just feel the need to control others, then turn a blind eye when another horse kicks a goat or somthin’,” said Seeley, while filling a wheelbarrow full of dung. “I firmly believe that police horses aren’t always bad by nature, but as soon as they join the force they are complicit in a system of oppression. I don’t welcome any of those types of horses in my here stable. I could make an analogy ‘bout some bad apples, but fella, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

The NYPD commissioner is expected to give Tiny Dancer a special letter of commendation following reports the horse bit at least 35 peaceful protesters.

Looter Has Zero Regard for Neighbor’s Property

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

HYRULE — A local looter named Link was seen breaking into random buildings, destroying valuable clay pots and stealing the money within, according to concerned sources.

“Our shop can be rebuilt. Link’s quest to defeat Ganon is more important than a few pots and four green rupees,” said a Kakariko resident. “I’m upset about the situation, sure, but it only serves to help Ganon to push his distracting message that Link is more dangerous for our community than his army of monsters that roam Hyrule. When you live under the oppressive rule of an evil warlock, sometimes you have to smash some pots. Also, it’s really easy to instantly rebuild the pots the second Link leaves the room.”

Ganondorf, who conquered and now rules Hyrule, condemned Link’s actions in a series of pamphlets passed out around Hyrule Castle.

“I will be designating Link and his friends in ANTIEV as a Terrorist Organization. LAW & ORDER!” Ganondorf wrote. “Yelly Link and the Radical Left want to use the power of the Triforce to defeat me. Very sad! They don’t have a clue! Link will be stuck in the Water Temple. He can’t even defeat his own Shadow. Doesn’t have control over himself. Darkness will reign bigly!”

When asked to comment, Link remained silent — symbolizing that he was, for once, listening.

“Hyaaah!” he said, after a long, meaningful pause. “Hmph.”

At press time, Link reportedly had a nightmare that he was electrocuted by a Mabe Village shopkeeper after attempting to steal a bow.

Anonymous Hacks Into Government Database After Forgetting Own Password

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Peter Casciato

UNKNOWN — The hacker collective known as Anonymous has hacked into a government database in order to retrieve the passwords to their own social media accounts.

“We’d been locked out of the accounts for years,” said a member of Anonymous, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “ We tried all of our usual passwords — GuyFawks69, Fawskfucks420, Maskgang1 — but none of them worked. This kind of password-forgetting oppression must end now.”

“At the end of the day, we’re happy to help out with the Black Lives Matter movement,” they explained. “We’re just not really sure what the point of doing that is if we can’t use our cool account.”

When asked why not simply retrieve the passwords to their accounts using conventional methods, Anonymous said it was “too annoying.”

“To get your password you have to take this quiz identifying which squares contain street signs,” said the hacker. “But some of the squares have just like the tiniest edge of a sign in them. Do those squares count or not? And what about a traffic light? I mean I know it’s not technically a sign, but does the test know that?”

“Rather than deal with CAPTCHA, we found it easier to simply crack the NSA’s firewall, and find the information we were looking for on its servers,” they added.

As of press time, Anonymous was working on breaking into Bank Of America’s mainframe in an attempt to figure out their PIN.

These Cops Should Expect to Be Assaulted If They’re Gonna Go Out Dressed Like That

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Brendan Kelly

Last night I went to the first gathering I’ve been to in the months and it was amazing! Everyone there had the same energy and we were all vibing. That is, until these guys dressed in blue shirts and tactical riot gear waltzed over into our turf. Based on what they were wearing, we knew we had to preemptively defend ourselves. Then they had the nerve to get all bent out of shape when we flipped and torched their car. Umm, if you don’t want to be assaulted, maybe you shouldn’t go outside dressed like that.

Nothing says “kick my ass, piss in my face, I’m a lowly, worthless piece of shit,” like a police officer’s uniform.

Hey, I get it. In a perfect world, everyone could dress however they wanted and no one would get hurt. But this isn’t a fairy tale. This is real life. Here’s the thing, boys: If you didn’t want to be assaulted, you shouldn’t have shown up dressed like that. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that when your clothes scream “I’m an armed threat with that will face no repercussions,” someone is gonna put hands on you.

In fairness, no one deserves to have the shit beaten out of them capriciously like that. No one deserves to be dehumanized and brutalized. Not in their own home when someone intrudes through the wrong door, not when they were just pulled over and tried to express that they were a licensed gun owner, not when they’re selling loose cigarettes, not when they’re jogging, not when they’re a kid in a hoodie, not when they’re a kid in a playground with a toy gun, and not when they allegedly wrote a bad check. No one deserves that kind of indignity and injustice, EVER. But, when you consider what these cops had on, you can see how they could have easily prevented this.

There’s something to be said for the accountability of the perpetrators of course. No crime is committed by the victim alone. But if you’re gonna walk out onto our streets dressed like a pig then I’m sorry, honey. You’re just a punching bag for the revolution. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before walking out fo the house with that uniform on.

Photo by David Odisho/Shutterstock

Undercover Cop Gives Self Away by Wearing Hatebreed Shirt

Posted on June 1, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local undercover cop Daniel Cleary accidentally revealed himself as law enforcement during the protests surrounding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police by wearing his favorite Hatebreed shirt while trying to blend in, multiple sources confirmed.

“We know the NYPD is sending undercover cops into the protests to stir shit up so they can make it easier to arrest people, but it’s almost like they aren’t even trying at this point. If you’re going to show up wearing sunglasses and a Hatebreed shirt you might as well just come in your police uniform screaming ‘I’m a fucking cop’ and ditch the charade,” said protester Andie Clements. “The fact that he was asking men that walked by if they ‘do UFC’ and then kept saying ‘Sup blood? Got any drugs?’ to any black person he saw certainly didn’t help.”

Officer Cleary believes it was a lack of coordination with other undercover cops that led to his outing.

“There is no doubt in my mind that we could have pulled this off if we had just discussed our wardrobe better, but it turns out that all 250 officers that were sent into the crowd wore the same exact Hatebreed shirt,” said Officer Cleary. “We must have all been at the same Ozzfest in 2006 when we got these shirts and didn’t even realize it, I fucking knew I should have worn my Black Label Society shirt. But I don’t care if my cover is blown, my police chief said I have a quota to meet and I still plan on punching at least 20 women, cuffing at least five black men to street poles, and pepper spraying any dogs I see.”

Protest organizers try to keep people educated on how to look out for cops during events.

“There are so many ways to tell you’re dealing with a cop. If they have an athletic build and are wearing cargo shorts — they’re a cop. If they are standing casually and have their thumbs resting on their belt buckle — they’re a cop. If they’re white and have a 75% finished tribal tattoo on their bicep — you better believe they’re a cop, or possibly just some reiki guy,” said Chloe Fischer, a community activist. “These people will often try to get you to engage in illegal behavior for the sole purpose of beating you senseless, do not fall for it.”

At press time Cleary was seen backing an unmarked police car into a group of peaceful protesters trying to flee tear gas.

We Interview The Absolute Moron Who Tried To Make Risotto On Chopped

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Charles Bill

This past week we all watched as executive chef Jeff Tray was eliminated from the hit Food Network show “Chopped” after the dimwit attempted to make the notoriously time-consuming side dish risotto. We interviewed Tray regarding his dismissal, and attempted to figure out how he manages to use an oven on a daily basis without lighting his stupid ass on fire.

First off, fuck you. Second, why the hell would you attempt risotto?
I think I got cocky after getting past the first round. The basket was duck feet, a cornucopia, a live bat, and arugula. That’s two proteins, which sucks. So I just chucked all that shit on a frozen pizza and nuked it. The bat was way overdone, but another contestant cut his finger off and was eliminated for featuring more of the severed digit than the basket ingredients. That’s when I decided to swing for the fences and cook up some risotto.

Fucking mind boggling. You do know that is like trying to turn lead into gold right? I would rather eat the ass out of a bull moose than attempt this on television.
Well, in hindsight, I only had ten minutes left, and I know it always takes way longer than that, and hundreds of people before me had failed at making it, but fuck it, bay life. It was really underdone, so I tried to say it was al dente, but that really pissed off judge Scott Conant, who punched me in the neck and spat on me. We filmed the show months ago, but every week I Scott leaves a box of dog shit on my front steps.

You mention Scott, were you happy with the choice of judges? Or are you too much of a god damn imbecile to even know what “happy” means?
It was cool to see Aaron Sanchez over-pronounce Mexican food names, and Amanda Freezetag [sic] was nice. But Scott was a dick. He’s a swarthy Italian, so I tried to score brownie points with him by doing a bunch of chef kisses and Italian-sounding ‘boopity boppity” talk as I presented the risotto, but apparently that’s ‘offensive’ or whatever.

After getting chopped, did you hurl your feces around the room and cry like the little baby-backed bitch you are?
I threw two fingers into the air, screamed ‘deuces,’ and played air guitar while running out of the kitchen. But in post they changed it to me graciously thanking them for the opportunity.

Jeff is hoping to cook risotto on more reality shows, but is considering concocting some bullshit “deceased grandma taught me to cook” sob story to give him a leg-up on the competition.

Discarded Body Found Rolled Up in Carpet and Buried in Shallow Grave Is Actually Animal Chin

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Seth Macy

LOS ANGELES — Human remains discovered in a shallow grave in Angeles Forest yesterday were identified as those of legendary skateboarding pioneer Won-Ton “Animal” Chin, who had gone missing in 1987, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“I’m glad the skateboarding family can finally have some closure,” said skateboarding legend Tony Hawk, one of the original Bones Brigade members tasked with finding Chin. “We probably could have looked harder, but honestly, every place we looked had sick vert ramps or insane pools. I was just a young kid then — I honestly don’t know why law enforcement deputized me, or any of the other guys for that matter, to do their job. Animal was clearly murdered and the psycho that killed him could have killed us, too.”

Ultimately, Los Angeles detectives came to regret enlisting a group of teenage skaters in the official investigation.

“In hindsight, we realize we should’ve focused more on working with fellow officers familiar with missing persons cases,” said Lt. David Snead of the Los Angeles Police Department. “When we’d arrive at a drainage ditch to run a sweep, they’d start planning out lines and talk about how ‘stoked’ they were to be there: they never actually looked for a body. At one point, they left California to begin their search in Hawaii, with no real evidence that Mr. Chin had made the trip to the islands.”

The Bones Brigade was also criticized for not following proper investigation procedure.

“We’d hear accounts that Chin had been at a half-pipe and was blazing, just incredibly rad — but when we’d search for evidence, we’d discover the Bones Brigade had compromised the scene by ripping it so hard that we couldn’t find a usable fingerprint to save our lives,” according to lead investigator James Pelletier. “Plus, all the crime scene photography they did was through a super-sick fisheye lens… and while it looked hella rad, it was useless for our investigation.”

Officials admitted it was the second-biggest mistake they’d made working with skaters — the worst being the hiring of Jeremy Klein and Heath Kirchart to aid in the investigation of several fires they themselves had started.

Tesla Releases Cheaper Model With 5 Second Advertisements Before Letting You Brake

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Dan Tomascik

LOS ANGELES — At an unveiling at the Tesla Design Studio, CEO Elon Musk presented a new, cheaper base model of the electric car, less expensive in part thanks to advertisements added in before a person can access the brakes.

“We call it the Tesla Model YES,” said Musk, on stage with a live feed of Tesla’s stock fluctuations on display behind the vehicle. “It is essentially our Model S, but we’ve now made it more accessible to low-income families. The YES means, of course, a ‘yes’ to Tesla, but also a yes to a super cool, highly profitable cyberpunk future.”

The Model YES includes an “intuitive” advertisement system that allows each individual car to pay for itself via sponsors. The car requires all drivers to complete a five-second ad after touching the brake pedal, before the car will begin to slow to a stop.

“We’ve anticipated your questions,” Musk said to the eager crowd at the Studio. “I know you’re concerned, but don’t worry—brakes aren’t the only advertisement on this bad boy. We’ve got banner ads across the windshield when you use a turn signal, sound ads reaching 100 decibels whenever your GPS reads a direction aloud, and of course a holographic movie trailer when the Model YES detects you’re making a K-turn.”

In an example, Musk’s assistant hopped in the vehicle and attempted to buckle his seatbelt. Before the belt fully clipped into place, the crowd oohed and ahhed as a thirty-second ad for Raid: Shadow Legends played over the car’s speakers.

Skeptics in the crowd, while impressed with the $15,990.00 price point, were concerned about the dangers of the invasive advertisements. To that end, Musk unveiled a tier package for the car, in which a premium, no-ads version of the Model YES cost $79,990.00 — the same price as the mechanically and aesthetically identical Model S.

“The inspiration for the low-cost version came from my employees,” Musk said at the conclusion of the event. “I wanted to be able to build a car that they themselves could buy one day, even after I’ve laid them off in six months.”

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