Casual Fans at Mario Orchestra Concert Rudely Talking During Dire, Dire Docks

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SYDNEY — A group of casual Mario fans annoyed fellow concertgoers at an orchestral show celebrating the franchise’s history, as the rowdy group reportedly talked through most of the set’s songs, only clapping for the more well-known themes.

“Why would someone spend this much money on a ticket just to hear one song?” ranted Oliver Turk, who was seated behind the disrespectful fans. “This orchestra is up there playing classics like the Thousand Year Door’s main theme, and these assholes are sitting on their hands. Can they even name three Mario games?”

According to fans in attendance, the group loudly cheered when the orchestra opened the night with Mario’s iconic Underground theme. However, as the performance started delving into more deep cuts, the small group reportedly lost interest and began talking through beloved themes like Dire, Dire Docks.

“Play the title screen song, nobody came to hear this shit,” yelled one belligerently drunk woman, sitting atop her boyfriend’s shoulders in one of many increasingly illogical requests shouted throughout the night. “Play something from Zelda you motherfuckers! Play the water one again!”

Diehard fans who showed up early noted that the crew was no better behaved for the show’s opening act, which was a rare set from legendary Nintendo composer Kazumi Totaka. The group supposedly started booing as he played the classic Totaka’s Song, drowning it out with a chant of “We want Mario.”

“I composed the score for Wii Sports, let me do my fucking show,” an annoyed Totaku fired back before flipping his Casio keyboard and storming off the stage.

As the orchestra left the stage for a brief encore break, the group drunkenly stormed out of the arena demanding refunds because they hadn’t played ”the Mario song.” The orchestra returned to the stage moments later to close the night with the World 1-1 theme.

Sony Rushes Out ‘Spider-Man’ DLC That Lets You Play as Spidey Breaking Up Protests in Brooklyn

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Insomniac Games has fast tracked DLC for their hit PlayStation 4 game Spider-Man that lets players control the costumed hero as he aids the police in breaking up protests in Brooklyn.

“Whoa! Did Mysterio send you goons? I dig the outfits!” says Spidey in a trailer for the DLC, as he dodges rocket launcher blasts from protesters near Barclays Center. “There’s nothing about my job that I love more than locking up criminals. Spider-Cop to the rescue!”

Lead developers explained that every character in the game is back — there’s even an entire section of the game where players control the police officer Yuri Watanabe from the first game — except Miles Morales, who developers said they ran out of time to work on.

“We’re really excited about this update to the game,” said Creative Director Steven Rice. “We have introduced a brand new feature to the game called Curfew Mode that I think fans are going to really like. After 8pm in-game, Curfew Mode is activated, and Spidey can just go to town beating the crap out of random bystanders. Any NPC is fightable.”

The DLC is set to include a variety of new side quests as well as a full main story. Replacing the police surveillance towers from the base game, Spider-Man now helps the police set up landing pads around Brooklyn for surveillance helicopters.

“When we set out to include Brooklyn, we wanted to make sure that it was as accurate as possible,” Rice continued. “That’s why we made sure to include some painstakingly accurate landmarks, such as the Metropolitan Detention Center and the Brooklyn Detention Complex.”

According to Sony, the DLC sold record amounts after developers clarified that, yes, you can still just swing around and climb shit.

Embarrassing: Cop on First Day Spills Huge Cup of Coffee All Over Already Deactivated Bodycam

Posted on by Krissy Howard

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Rookie police officer and self-proclaimed klutz Ofc. Dennis Barton totally embarrassed himself this morning, spilling an entire cup of coffee all over the body cam he’d already deactivated prior to answering a call.

“Dang it!” the murderous dolt exclaimed, as his Grande iced Macchiato dripped all over his uniform’s body camera just before reporting to his first day of work. “I woke up extra early, and got my hair in this box shape and wore my best Oakley’s… and then I go and spill my drink all over this weird plastic thingy. Why the hell would they put this right in the front like that, anyway? Where am I supposed to wipe my hands? Man, the boys are never gonna let me live this one down.”

Barton reportedly spilled the drink while responding to a call at a local apartment complex.

“I got a call about a ‘suspicious male’ on his phone in a parking lot. I really wanted to make a good first impression, so I knew I had to get there ASAP,” he recalled. “As I was getting out the car I grabbed my gun, and then when I went to double-check that the body cam was definitely off, my coffee slipped out of my hand… and the rest is history. That thing was almost $5! Fortunately, when the suspect asked if everything was OK, I recognized it as a sign of aggression… and let’s just say he’ll have to drink his coffee through a straw for the next 12 weeks.”

“Making a move on your first shift like that… well, that’s gonna be about four years of living hell you got to look forward to. And by living hell, I mean occasional light jabbing,” said fellow professional terrorist Ofc. Kari Webb. “But I can’t exactly talk — on my first day, I actually tripped over some kid I just beat the shit out of at a routine traffic stop. I don’t know how I ever got to sleep that night. People still call me ‘Linda Tripp.’”

At press time, Barton was spotted tear gassing residents attending a peaceful protest with his shoe untied. “Ugh. I look like a total doofus,” he said. “Geez.”

We Tried to Interview a Guy Inciting Riots but He Placed Us Under Arrest

Posted on by Tyler Dark

Last night, some friends and I attended a protest in my hometown, in response to the police killing of George Floyd. The energy there was palpable. We were so excited to be a part of something so important, and we wanted to be as respectful as possible. That’s why when we saw some guy throwing bricks into the back window of a store, it occurred to us that perhaps our privilege had blinded us from the true nature of what was going on.

But when we tried approaching him to ask about his thoughts on the matter, he immediately pulled out his badge and placed us all under arrest.

The second we approached this guy, we tried to make it clear that we were in this fight with him and that we were interested in his perspective. But then he stopped destroying public property and was like, “Freeze! Don’t come any closer!” We insisted we were allies and stepped towards him, only to get pepper-sprayed and tackled to the ground. We all offered to leave him alone, but two more guys with badges ran over and tackled us too. Then we were all cuffed.

People say the protesters are disorganized but I have to say they are anything but. These guys had weapons, a fleet of vehicles, their own holding facility, and an extremely efficient process for detaining us that included loads of paperwork.

The violence we see breaking out during some of these demonstrations is a powerful response to centuries of state-sanctioned black exploitation. Yes, my friends and I should be held accountable for our participation in that system. But was all that really necessary? I admit this may be the privilege talking, but there has to be a way of showing allies why you are angry that’s better than throwing them in jail.

Now, I admit that I have a great deal of work to do as an ally, but I don’t understand how arresting me and my friends helps us to better understand the plight of communities that have been ravaged by police brutality if all we wanted to do was talk.

To the protestors who arrested us: We see you. We support you. And we would love the chance to have a conversation with you if you promise not to detain us first.

Disgusted Toddler Burns “Paw Patrol” Pajamas

Posted on by Rachel Steele

PITTSBURGH — In an act of intense rage, local toddler Timmy “TJ” Orosco, Jr. set fire to his tiny pajamas which were adorned with characters of a popular law enforcement propaganda children’s cartoon, “Paw Patrol.”

“If we don’t make a change in this country, these genocidal cops will have free reign over our brothers and sisters,” said Orosco, lighting a joint with the crackling flames of his pajamas. “I couldn’t stand seeing myself every night, before sleepy time, wearing the badges and regalia of this fucked up establishment. I had to do something. I don’t give a fuck if they’re not real — all cops are bastards, all of them. You can’t cut any corners on cutting them all down to size.”

“Last week I started ditching diapers, this week I learned about responses to police brutality, and I think I nailed that lesson before I even learned how to shit in the toilet. Any half-wit paying attention to the news and the history of this country can figure it out: Chase is on the case of a flagrant abuse of power,” he added.

Orosco’s parents and “comrades in the cause” had just finished their nightly routine of milk, lullabies, and bedtime stories, when they noticed smoke coming from his room around 2 a.m.

“TJ is only a few years old, but it didn’t take him long to understand the level of injustice our black community faces. My aunt Joanne is pushing 60 and she’s still just weirdly focused on a Target that’s not even in her town,” said Orosco’s father, Tim, also known around the home as ‘da-da.’ “We barely finished teaching him shapes and colors and next thing we know he’s walking around the living room quoting Fannie Lou Hamer while the news plays behind him, then later burning his ‘Paw Patrol’ pajamas to ‘Fuck the Police’ while shouting ‘Solve this case, bastard cop!’”

According to his parents, Timmy Jr. has displayed subversive tendencies in the past.

“Besides his conspiracy theories about his daycare teacher, Timmy Jr. has a strange knack for spotting escape routes, hiding weapons in his shirt, and filming us whenever we try to punish him, so I’m not too surprised to see him getting so involved,” said Orosco’s mother, Belinda. “Whenever the puppies on ‘Paw Patrol’ say, ‘These paws uphold the laws!’ I hear Timmy Jr. screaming at the TV, ‘Shut your fucking mouths, hacks! Fuck 12!’ He’s even committed to donating his future allowance to bail funds, and promises to brush his teeth every night.”

Further statements were halted when Timmy Jr. began crying and reaching for his sippy cup.

The Amazing Influence of Music on Sports

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Music and sports are inextricably intertwined. In everyday speak – they go together. If you ever questioned this, consider the greatest pugilist story of all time – Rocky Balboa. The iconic tunes of this series of films are deeply ingrained in the minds of everyone who has followed Sylvester Stallone’s career from the 1970s to the present day. Click the link that follows, and close your eyes for a second… you’re feeling it now… it’s in your head isn’t it?

In fact, it’s impossible to get that song out of your head once it’s there – that’s the amazing influence of music and sports. Things get ramped up when Rocky goes through his training montage and the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor starts playing. As I speak, I’ve got goosebumps racing down my arms thinking about how powerful music’s effect on sports is. One of the comments on YouTube simply read… ‘You are going to eat lightning and crap thunder!’

When you don’t understand the rules – just crank up the music and pretend

Switching gears, you know that Super Bowl Sunday is preceded by one of the finest music extravaganzas known to man. It’s a veritable tour de force in entertainment, whether you’re rooting for a team, betting on a team, or simply trying to fit in with a crowd of football fans and you have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Once again, you can identify with the music because it’s the ultimate unifier of mankind. Sports without music is like a horror movie without sound – it just doesn’t work.

Yes, there are also many of us who enjoy placing bets (a couple of bucks I rate) on our favorite sports teams.  Why not? Whether you’re into NBA betting, PGA Golf, Tennis Masters, UFC/MMA, or even betting on the outcome of the 2020 general election – you’ve got game. The biggest sporting events hands down, is the Super Bowl. We’re talking gridiron. Trusted bookmakers are the only option – that’s why I recommend 888sports betting in New Jersey with tight spreads and unbeatable odds. Put on some tunes and enjoy good vibes on plenty of betting selections.

If you find yourself digging your nails deeper into your seat (don’t laugh, it happens), try taking a load off and play some funky beats. Dr Dre, Snoop Dog, Eminem, Jay-Z, maybe even NIN to get the party started. Music definitely takes the edge off, and motivates you when you’re watching sports, betting on sports, or simply trying to figure out what the heck is going on. That guy in the corner chugging away on a beer and yelling at the TV screen probably doesn’t even know that the streaming footage cut to a commercial, and it’s not even the game he has money riding on. Just saying’, music takes the edge off.

 Batter up! Now let’s hear that jingle

The influence of music on sports is even felt in the game itself. Ever attended a baseball game? Player gets three strikes, or gets run out and leaves the field. Who’s up next? Batter up, with a great little jingle to welcome him onto the field. Thanks to music, those dull and dreary moments are no more. We get to hear these players’ favorite songs as they step out of the bullpen and onto the diamond. Then we know, it’s time for some action. Much the same is true in the lead up to UFC and MMA matches. When those fighters are ready to come out punching, kicking, and swinging, the crowds are electrified with inspirational music, flashing lights, and a choreographed intro with each fighter’s entourage.

Summing it up is easy – those beats make it all worthwhile!

Official ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ Instagram Page Shows Solidarity With Protesters By Saying “Hellllooo!” to All Victims of Racism

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

The officially verified Instagram page representing the 1993 Robin Williams comedy Mrs. Doubtfire has joined the various brands and social media pages expressing support for the protests continuing throughout the nation.

“Just wanted to say, ‘Helllllllooooooo,’ to all victims of racism, profiling, bigotry, and police brutality,” reads the caption underneath the infamous scene where Robin Williams quickly uses a cake to disguise himself with a faceful of frosting. “We see you, and we hear you. You deserve better, and we promise that the movie Mrs. Doubtfire will always be an ally to all marginalized communities.” 

The post has angered many of the account’s followers, who insist that they follow the page for pictures and quotes from the film and not commentary on current events. 

“wow congratulations on turning into a commie SJW account,” read one of many hostile responses. “How much did Soros pay u 2 do this? Post Doubtfire with his tits on fire tomorrow or i will UNFOLLOW!”

Others appreciate the selfless gesture by the account, owned and operated by 20th Century Fox.

“THANK YOUUUUUUU,” read one of many appreciative responses. “So glad to see people banding together to make a difference! I know what I am watching tomorrow!!” 

As of press time, the 20th Century Fox official Twitter page was embroiled in a similar controversy after tweeting a picture of Ben Stiller’s Night at the Museum character with the hashtag “#notallcops.” 

Dickheads Camp in Real Life

Posted on by Sam Schorsch

PHILADELPHIA — Photos are circulating social media showing three armed dickheads on the roof of a GameStop store, camping the protests in real life.

“I fucking hate campers,” said Philadelphia protester Jenn Mcfarlane. “We’re just out here trying to peacefully protest police brutality, and these fucking dickheads are camping on a goddamn rooftop. Come down to the street level and talk to us face to face, you cowards. Plus, they’re defending a GameStop of all places. You walk into GameStop with your soul intact and you walk out with $15 in-store credit.”

“If I find out they put C4 on all the windows and doors, I’m going to lose my fucking shit,” she added.

Despite arguments against their pathetic activities, the dickheads in question have defended their position at the top of GameStop.

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting onto the roof of a building, making yourself comfortable with some weapons, and terrorizing people from above,” said one of the campers, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of accountability for his actions. “At the end of the day, we’re not actually going to do anything. We’re just here to look down on others, both figuratively and literally.”

At press time, the GameStop campers were taken out by a group of protesters with a ladder.

City Announces Curfew For 30 Minutes Ago

Posted on by Doug Francisco

LOS ANGELES — Following days of demonstration in the streets, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti instituted a curfew for 30 minutes ago, effective immediately, multiple pissed off sources confirmed.

“All residents of Los Angeles are required to be indoors as of 5:00 p.m. today,” Mayor Garcetti said in a televised statement at 5:30 p.m. “We ask that everyone make the necessary arrangements to be at home until tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m., as of half an hour ago. Anyone caught not complying with this order, effective 30 minutes in the past, will be taken into custody and tried criminally.”

The statements reflect a growing concern among America’s mayors that people may assemble, speak, and petition their government over grievances. In New York, Mayor Bill de Blasio called on citizens to do what they can to deescalate the situation.

“It is your constitutional right to assemble,” said de Blasio. “But if you see the NYPD, remember that it’s been a rough couple of days for them, too. Speak to them gently, ask them if they want a shoulder rub… it is the 9/11 spirit of this city that makes it great. Just make sure you don’t make direct eye contact with them — that could send an officer into a fit of rage that they will brag about with their buddies for weeks to come.”

According to constitutional scholar Rory Byrne, the power of a local authority to institute a curfew comes from English Common Law.

“There’s a long tradition in both English and American law protecting people’s right to assembly,” said Byrne. “But even more than that, the framers of the Constitution, in their infinite wisdom, knew that the people who really needed protection were the weak diaper babies with badges who couldn’t handle even the mildest confrontation without the aid of a shield and a gun.”

The mayors of Dallas and Denver are both considering proposals to ban demonstrators from pointing protest signs at uniformed officers, while Mayor Jenny Durkan of Seattle has floated the idea of prohibiting residents from taking up physical space after 2:30 p.m.

Racism Somehow Makes Comeback After Defeat on Blackout Tuesday

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

LOS ANGELES — Racism made a shocking comeback today after it was previously believed defeated by the Blackout Tuesday social media campaign yesterday, according to disillusioned sources.

“I’m heartbroken to have sacrificed my Instagram aesthetic for the greater good, only to wake up in a country where racism is alive and well. I assumed once the police department saw my feed they would instantly see the error of their ways,” said influencer-turned-activist Misty Shelton. “It really opened my eyes to the struggle of using the right hashtags. I’m starting to think racism won’t ever end unless we start taking more radical action. Has anyone thought about bringing back flash mobs?”

Organizer Lynda Clark said she and “literally anybody else who was paying attention” knew systemic white supremacy and police brutality would survive this momentary acknowledgment of their existence, but hoped this would become a learning experience.

“I had a few well-meaning white friends hit me up to ‘start conversations,’ which was exhausting and frustrating, but maybe next time they’ll start conversations with each other instead, or at least buy one of my ceramic vagina interpretations out of guilt,” said Clark. “Nobody likes gatekeepers, but clearly we need someone pointing people toward the right gates, some kind of gate liaison committee. Maybe I’ll bring that up at the next DSA meeting.”

At press time, America’s deeply embedded racism was still as powerful despite white people across the country joining together to do the bare minimum.

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