Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Grand Theft Auto Online, Fruit Ninja, and Putt-Putt Saves The Zoo?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Despite the fact that we have extensive war rules like the Geneva Conventions, countries still boldly violate these standards when there’s no camera present. Take the 2005 killings in Haditha, Iraq, where US marines murdered 24 women and children as revenge for a soldier dying from a roadside bomb.

That may sound horrific, but are gamers any better? You’d be surprised at the kinds of human rights violations players are happy to partake in when they ARE the camera. So, let’s once again tackle some war crimes you may be casually committing from the comfort of your couch.

The Grand Theft Auto series features a bevy of weapons, many of which aren’t suitable for wartime. Take tear gas, for instance, which is explicitly prohibited as part of the Chemical Weapons Convention. If tear gas is too morally grey for war, then you should absolutely not use it in Grand Theft Auto Online against civilians. Only a monster would gas innocent bystanders.

Fruit Ninja is a fun mobile game where you slash any produce that comes across your path. Sounds innocuous, right? Wrong, as always. Destroying food is a major crime, as per article 54 of Additional Protocol 1: “It is prohibited to attack, destroy, remove or render useless objects indispensable to the survival of the civilian population, such as foodstuff.” Did you ever stop to ask yourself who’s food you’re destroying? Because there’s a good chance that multiple families have starved to death due to your actions. 

Don’t be fooled by the care-free attitude: Barbie is a colonizer. Don’t take our word for it; just look to 2001’s Barbie: Explorer. In this Tomb Raider knock-off, Barbie explores foreign cultures, leaving a path of inconceivable offenses. For instance, she regularly violates article 54 of the 4th Geneva Convention, which very plainly states “pillage is prohibited.” This is what white privilege looks like.

For decades, gamers have been mystified by the urban legend of Polybius. The story goes that, one day, mysterious cabinets briefly popped up in arcades across Portal, Oregon, which made players sick. Gamers reported seeing men in black suits monitoring the machines. CIA? FBI? Doesn’t matter: if the story is true, the US government is in huge trouble. Article 147 of the 4th Geneva Convention explicitly prohibits “biological experiments.” If you were ever a victim of these cabinets, we recommend you alert the International Criminal Court immediately. 

We are happy to report that Putt-Putt’s conscience is clear when it comes to war crimes. However, this does not give him a free pass for the amount of carbon this old jalopy puts into the atmosphere. Remember, just because you’re not a war criminal doesn’t mean you’re a good person.

Happy Mask Salesman Immediately Sells Out Entire Stock of N95 Deku Masks

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

CLOCK TOWN — Selling out his entire inventory after five minutes of announcing a restock, the Happy Mask Salesman announced to disappointed customers that his N95 respirator Deku Masks were completely sold out, frustrated sources confirmed.

“Thank you all so much for your keen interest in my N59 Deku Masks, but unfortunately my inventory has met with a terrible fate,” said the uncharacteristically unhappy salesman, with his usually smiling face scrunched into a frown while he waved his arms in the air and shook his head in anguish. “Some of you may know that I’ve dealt with thieves stealing masks from me in the past, but this time the blame lies solely with my supply chain, which is experiencing difficulties in these trying times. I will be accepting pre-orders for my next batch of magical masks on a first-come, first-serve basis and I thank you all for understanding!”

“If I could rewind time by three days and revise the order I had placed with my supplier to properly meet demand, I would,” the salesman continued. “Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, and I’ll have to ask for your patience while I work to fulfill as many new orders as I can.”

At press time, the Happy Mask Salesman emphasized an advertising disclaimer that, although the N95 Deku Mask was guaranteed to transform the wearer into a Deku, it was not guaranteed to protect from contracting the coronavirus.

Cop Nervous On First Day Simply Imagines Protestors Are His Wife

Posted on by Freelancer

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Joseph Calbroni resorted to imagining all of the protestors he is beating the shit out of are his wife in an attempt to quell his first day jitters, depressing sources report.

“I was really nervous,” blubbered Calbroni, while zip-tying a veteran. “First days are always hard. What if I didn’t instigate the crowd enough? What if I missed while trying to fire birdshot at a woman in a wheelchair? I thought, what would make me want to beat the ever-loving shit out of someone? Then I thought of Jessica. Nothing makes me go from zero to sixty like the old lady, am I right? Just the other day, I basically blacked out and when I came to there were nine holes in the wall. Geez, now I’m getting all choked up.”

Statistically, police officers are roughly four times more likely to abuse their spouses than any other demographic.

“It’s great for motivation,” explained Lieutenant Daniel Hartigay. “Listen, we barely test these guys coming in. Most of them have doghsit work ethic and principles and are fueled mostly by pre-workout and Subway, so anything we can use to add a little pepper to the porridge is valuable. I constantly tell these guys to think about how much their wives, girlfriends, exes, and moms piss them off. Hell, our shooting range might as well be a family photo album.”

Throughout the country, police have been violently confronting protestors amidst calls for widespread reform of law enforcement.

“We’re all going through pain right now,” bloviated New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. “For some, it’s the pain of losing a loved one. For others, it’s the pain of having a nightstick shatter our occipital bone. We may be all over the political spectrum, but one thing that unites us all is that our fine officers are upholding their duty to be a menace. That’s what they’re for. If they were supposed to be helpful, they’d be teachers or social workers or cashiers or something.”

At press time, officer Calbroni could be found planting a firearm on the mother of his child.

“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo Cops Are All Bastards” Is a Grammatically Correct Sentence in American English

Posted on by John Merrifield

Breaking news in anarcho-grammar, specifically the all too common saying, “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo cops are all bastards.” Top Antifa grammarians recently determined that the phrase perfectly follows the rules of American English linguistics. We asked them to explain it to us like we were five, and quickly asked ourselves what five-year-old is this fucking smart and just nodded along like we understood. Here’s what we think it means:

“Buffalo (Adj.) buffalo (N)…

This is a noun phrase (NP) describing a type of bison that hails from Buffalo, New York.

…[that] Buffalo (Adj.) buffalo (N) buffalo (V)…

This is another noun phrase (NP) preceding a verb (V) describing a different set of bison hailing from Buffalo, New York, that “buffalo”, or bully, the aforementioned set of bison.

…buffalo (V) Buffalo (Adj.) cops (N)…

This is a verb preceding a noun phrase that basically tells us that the bison from Buffalo who bully other bison from Buffalo, also bully members of the Buffalo Police Department.

…are (V) all (Adv.) bastards (N).”

This is what is known as a factual statement (FS) based on the principle that an officer neglecting to speak out against corruption and/or police brutality in their ranks is just as complicit as an officer who is themselves guilty of corruption and/or police brutality, thus destroying the false narrative that some cops are “good.”

So let’s look at the sentence again.

“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo cops are all bastards.”

Translation: Buffalo bison, that other Buffalo bison bully, also bully Buffalo cops, who are all bastards. Or, “BbBbbbBCAAB,” for short.

Conservative Food Blogger Gives Police Boots Five Stars

Posted on by Ella Gale

LOS ANGELES — Wutherton Tall, the creator of conservative food blog The Thin Blue Lime, scribbled a five-star review into his drool-covered Moleskine after licking each and every on-duty officer’s boots during a visit to a Hollywood police station yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“Flavor doesn’t get more American than this — yum, yum yum. I’m getting notes of power, leather, and just a hint of noncompliance, which could be from cross-contamination due to stomping a protester. I guess this is what blue tastes like,” said Tall, mistaking the flavor of urine for a color while running his tongue back and forth across the leather uppers of a side-zip duty boot made in China. “Plus, they’re keto! And it’s easy to lick these boots from home, too — just go on the internet and talk about how protesters are ruining the country. It’s obviously not as good as licking boots in person, but it will still satisfy you.”

Blog fan Chod Blank III, who spent last week protesting the government’s refusal to reopen his favorite golf course, is excited to get out and taste some police boots himself the moment the curfew is lifted.

“Wuthie really brought the mouthfeel of the oppression-to-table of cops to life. I, for one, can’t wait to get out there and lick some fresh law and order off the feet of our boys in blue,” said Blank while hanging an American flag next to his “Punisher” skull poster. “There’s something about that slip-proof rubber that makes my tiny mouth water and beg for more boot. Just like Oma used to make! She passed down the recipe after learning it in a German factory in the late 1930s.”

Activist Lamar Burroughs, who spent the week protesting the murder of unarmed black people in the face of deadly police officers, wasn’t surprised by the review.

“I would expect nothing less from conservatives at this point. They talk about freedom of speech and wanting less government intervention when it applies to them, but as soon as it applies to people of color fighting for their lives, they start begging the cops to step in,” said Burroughs. “It’s all fine in the end — those cops step in a lot of piss puddles, so let those dudes keep licking.”

For his next blog entry, Tall said he hopes to lick the boots of some active-duty military troops. “I thought I would have to go overseas, but I’m pretty sure I saw some in front of the La Brea Starbucks,” said Tall.

Study Warns That ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ Is Gateway Into Harder, More Dangerous Anime

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

STANFORD, Calif. — A study out of Stanford University shows a direct correlation between watching the Nickelodeon show Avatar: The Last Airbender and an increased use of more extreme anime.

“Many people think it is fine for their children to watch this cute American-produced, Japanimation-inspired cartoon with fluffy flying bison, but it opens the floodgates to a dark path from which they may never return. Next thing you know they are trying Naruto, just to see how it makes them feel,” said Lindsay Price, Ph.D., Professor of Media Studies. “Before you know it, your child is sitting in a dilapidated basement freebasing Elfen Lied or injecting Berserk directly into their eyeballs.”

Avatar fans, however, did not feel that they were in any danger.

“I always thought Anime was just schoolgirls and ninjas. Avatar opened my eyes to a new medium,” said Airbender fan Conrad Ryan. “And yes, I am curious about experimenting with soft stuff like Tokyo Ghoul or Attack On Titan, but that’s as far as I will go. I know how much I can handle. I won’t be watching anything with tentacle sex, not that I am not a little curious.”

Recovering anime addict Casey McDaniel painted a more disturbing picture of what could come from watching Avatar.

“I started watching Airbender when it first aired in 2005,” McDaniel said. “Before I knew it, I was buying VHS bootlegs of Mr. Arashi’s Amazing Freak Show in a dark alley at 2 a.m. Don’t let the adorable Aang and his friend fool you. After you finish Airbender, Legend of Korra won’t be strong enough to get your fix. You’re going to be torrenting Corpse Party through a dark web VPN.”

If the study holds true, experts predict that there will be a sharp increase of anime-related overdoses now that Nextflix carries Avatar for streaming.

Parental Warning: Look Out for These Dangerous Fantasy Books Your Kids Might Be Reading

Posted on by Andy Holt

While concerned parents continue to wage war on violent video games, they are ignoring a much more serious danger: explicit fantasy novels that have found their way into our schools to poison the brains of our children. These books vary in a few trivial aspects, but their collective lore poses a grave threat to anyone who reads them. This is especially true for children whose brains are still developing.

We must free our communities from this poison before it’s too late.

These books originate from a variety of dubious sources, including (allegedly) Prentice Hall and McGraw Hill, who label them as “non-fiction” in order to access legal markets without oversight. They can be known by street names like America: The History of Our Nation and Discovering Our Past: A History of the United States. These cute names, along with colorful packaging and imagery, are designed to disguise these ridiculous, fantastical novels as legitimate sources of knowledge. It’s a clever trick that is common among peddlers of dangerous substances, allowing them to push their products into our precious schools unhindered.

Experts claim that children are not the only ones being duped. Many kids are first exposed to this material by adults who they trust.

“A lot of parents and teachers get fooled into thinking these books are no big deal, because they say, ‘What’s wrong with kids learning a little bit about history?’” said Dr. Shelby Brown, a scientist concerned about the spread of illicit intoxicants through communities. “What they don’t realize is that these books have actually been cut with extremely dangerous substances. When children consume these additives and get hooked, they have an increased risk of developing violent, anti-social behaviors as adults.”

We were able to acquire samples easily through the internet, and our own internal analysis showed a variety of harmful ideas that are completely inconsistent with the “non-fiction” label. These include the idea that the Civil Rights movement was just about voting, that the Founding Fathers weren’t white supremacists, and that the United States did not knowingly commit mass genocide against Native Americans for generations.

While we could not confirm this rumor ourselves, it has also been alleged that more recent samples are incorporating newer bits of lore. One anonymous parent claimed she found her daughter reading a book that suggested the Bush Administration really believed Saddam Hussein had nuclear weapons. Obviously, this belief would be an unspeakable danger to the health of her daughter’s brain. If left unchecked, the dealers of these heinous tomes might even get their hands on the latest drug on the market: the claim that Donald Trump is the first white nationalist in the White House.

Just like violent video games, we believe that wacky, over-the-top fantasy books can be lots of fun for our kids outside of school. But if we are not more careful about moderation, our children will grow up to be sickened adults, completely unhinged from the world around them.

“Good Cop Bad Cop” Technique Rebranded As “Accomplice Cop, Murderer Cop”

Posted on by John Danek

MINNEAPOLIS — Law enforcement officials have renamed the interrogation tactic “Good Cop, Bad Cop” to “Accomplice Cop, Murderer Cop” to more accurately reflect the reality of modern police dynamics, the Minneapolis Police Department confirmed on Wednesday.

“We’ve been calling it ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ for far too long. In the interests of transparency, the Minneapolis Police Department, along with other departments across the country, will now exclusively refer to it as ‘Accomplice Cop, Murder Cop,’” explained Minneapolis Police Chief Medaria Arradondo. “With camera phones completely removing the veil of fiction we built up around our operation, we’re embracing the truth. Which kind of makes me a good cop, you know? All the same, we’re piloting the program with freshly incarcerated rioters and protestors to astounding results.”

A recently incarcerated protestor described what it was like to go through the newly monikered process.

“It was actually refreshing — last time I was in, one cop pressed my head against the ground with a chair, while another one role-played as my mom and kept saying that things would be O.K. while I bled from my temple,” explained activist Don Weebur. “But this time, the other cop just pulled a curtain over the window and leaned against the door so nobody could get in while I was being choked, and after the beating, they told me this will keep happening if I don’t learn to shut my mouth. It was nice not having to deal with the façade of a ‘good cop’ being in the room. Definite upgrade.”

Advocates calling for police reform and changes to a system built on racist policies chimed in.

“It’s classic America — offering up a symbolic gesture in place of a hard, actionable solution,” explained community organizer Keisha King. “It’s one thing to label a cop a ‘murderer’ verbally, but it’s an entirely different thing to convict an officer. And until we see that happen regularly, nothing will placate our efforts. It’s almost like a nickname they’re proud of, instead of a criminal charge that should see them serve life in prison.”

Leaked reports from within the Minneapolis Police Department indicate they are attempting to book comedian Chris Tucker to join them on the front line of the riots, and will pay him $50 every time he says, “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” to protestors.

Opinion: I Wish More People Would Fear Me for My Personality

Posted on by Tom Peters

Helmet, body armor, shield, baton: All elements of a police officer’s tactical uniform designed to intimidate and strike fear into the heart of anything standing in our way, be it a family dog during a no-knock warrant, or a “peaceful” protester with an itchy water bottle-throwing hand. But what about me as a person? Aren’t I fucking scary?

Don’t they know that there’s more to me than my badge number, which I’ve conveniently taped over to avoid accountability for my crimes? Sometimes when a citizen blindly begs me not to be pepper-sprayed, I just want to take off my helmet and show them that behind all this militaristic riot gear, there’s a deeply unstable individual inside.

Why can’t people fear me for me?

Any one of my acquaintances and ex-wives can attest that if I’m on your team in Apples to Apples, I’ll be the first to fly off the handle in a competitive rage. I have never hugged a man. If you have ever cut me off in traffic I have your plate number, and I have every intention of one day hurting you or the weakest member of your family. But all you see when you look at me is just another asshole cop.

I just wish people could look past my job and appreciate how truly terrifying I am as a “human being.” I’m a racist amphetamine addict who once traveled from New York to Texas just to attend an execution, my ninth. You won’t get that from my badge number or disabled body cam. You get it from my thousand-mile stare, from my pulsing neck veins, from hearing me grind my teeth from 20 feet away. You get it from knowing me.

So next time you’re standing in front of a wall of riot cops decked out with more packets than a Rob Liefeld character, just know that behind each face shield and below the helmet, and then above the gas mask, there’s a pair of eyes shielding a hellscape the likes of which you’ve never known.

Protester Dies of Natural Causes After Repeatedly Attacking Police Baton With Face

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

LOS ANGELES — A woman protesting the killings of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd died of natural causes moments after she attacked a police baton with her face, sources said.

“It’s sad that someone died, but she broke the law,” said local man Taylor Jacobsen, who observed part of the protest from his phone. “News flash genius: if you use any part of your body to hit a baton, shield, taser, even the bottom of a set of tires, that thing’s got a right to defend itself. The same people crying about being teargassed would call 9-1-1 in a heartbeat and beg for a team of teargas canisters to save them if they were being robbed.”

According to an LA County medical examiner’s report, the woman who died, Lela Glover, passed away as the result of “a pre-existing health condition after beating the living hell out of that baton,” and is described by her partner, Devin Weaver, as happy and peace-loving.

“She had a lot of experience fighting for good causes, which is why it’s so confusing to me that she would attack a police officer’s weapon like that,” said Weaver. “It just seems so out of character. I feel like there must be more to the story; if only the department would offer a statement so I could know what really happened, but every time I’ve tried to contact someone they threatened to arrest me for harassment and keep saying I will be ‘joining her soon if I don’t shut the fuck up.’”

Officer Keith Dixon was paired with the baton during what started as a peaceful protest before the violence against the peace officers’ weapons broke out.

“With everyone recording on their cellphones and taking these beatings completely out of context, there’s only so much I can do,” explained Officer Dixon. “Believe me, even though I wasn’t afraid for my life, it was the hardest thing in the world to just stand there while this maniac slammed her face into my baton over and over again. But it’s my job to protect and serve everyone; even the people constantly throwing themselves under police cars who just come to these protests to start trouble.”

At press time, Officer Dixon’s baton was on paid administrative leave and receiving treatment for emotional distress.

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