AOC Grafts Gun Onto Arm, Demands You Hear the Planet’s Cries of Pain

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Jay Miller

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Gesturing wildly with the large machine gun that had been recently surgically grafted onto her right arm, U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez urged her colleagues and constituents to hear the planet’s cries of pain in a prepared statement last week, sources say.

“Companies like Murray Coal and Chevron are bleeding the Earth dry,” said Cortez while addressing other members of Congress moments after shooting hundreds of bullet holes in the wall behind her to get their attention. “The Green New Deal is the first step to protecting the planet’s dwindling lifeblood. That lifeblood is in your veins, too! Can you feel it? The planet feeds off of all of our energy, and these companies need to pay for what they’ve done!”

Sources say that Cortez’s speech went uninterrupted even as she went over the balance of time granted to her by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, partly due to the intimidating appearance of the enormous gatling gun arm.

“What were we supposed to do, interrupt her?” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy during a midday recess. “She’s got a gun for an arm, are you insane? I spoke up once and she blew a hole in the ceiling. No thank you.”

While her sudden change in appearance and attitude shocked many of her constituents and political rivals, the effectiveness of Cortez’s new strategy cannot be understated.

“The planet bleeds green like you and I bleed red,” shouted Cortez at her fellow members of Congress regarding the planet’s deteriorating natural resources. “The hell you think is gonna happen when it’s all gone, huh? Answer me! You gonna stand there and pretend you can’t hear the planet crying out in pain? I know you can!”

At press time, Representatives Ilhan Omar, Ayana Pressley and Rashida Tlaib had donned metallic armor and red bandanas, declaring themselves members of Cortez’s recently established Avalanche Party.

Casual References to “My Screenplay” During First Dates Projected to Skyrocket by 2021

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Anya Volz

LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to unsolicited details of their screenplays by 2021, with experts claiming it could be the worst numbers since the release of “The War of Art” in 2002.

“I thought I had to sit through a lot of incoherent descriptions of heist screenplays before this, but we don’t even know the magnitude of what we’re about to face. I worry that screenplays about viral outbreaks could outnumber registered nurses if we aren’t careful,” said single woman Rachel Cavacas. “With all the free time people have in quarantine, there’s a solid chance I won’t actually be asked a single question about myself on dates for the next four to five years. The world is going to be a much worse place when this is all over.”

Despite the challenges of quarantine, many “writers” maintain this has been an incredibly productive time for them.

“I’m really excited about the work I’ve been doing. Before all of this, I always thought my improv team was the most important thing in the world, but the pandemic gave me some much-needed perspective,” said self-proclaimed screenwriter with no known IMDB credits Jordan Brown. “Ask anyone in my life: my new script is all I can talk about. It’s about a guy who just moved to LA and is forced to work from home, and in the process, he learns a lot about love… but the most important part is, he learns about himself.”

Screenplay reference data analyst Dr. Katharyn Adams warned we won’t see the true peak of these first-date offenses until mid to late 2021.

“What you have to understand is, these men aren’t writing these screenplays either way,” Adams explained. “With everything in our lives being on pause, they have more time than ever to ruminate on a script idea, regardless of intention to execute. But now they know it’s actually conceivable they had the time to write it, and we’ve only seen the first wave of that theoretical writing time. The impact of this might be felt for several years — it might even be decades before we return to pre-covid numbers.”

In response to the alarming report, the U.S. government is already preparing an emergency helpline for women to call to help them bail as soon as their dates mention they are “heavily inspired by Quentin Tarantino.”

Newly-Radicalized John Krasinski Shares Video of Cop Being Hit by SUV on “Some Good News”

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Krissy Howard

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Actor, director and newly radicalized “Some Good News” creator John Krasinski revisited his YouTube feel-good series yesterday to share a video of a police officer being rammed into by an SUV, concerned sources report.

“Well, it’s been another long week here in a country that rests on stolen land built by slavery, and I, along with countless others, am seeing with my own eyes the need to defund our nation’s police force, abolish the prison system, and reinvest in community organizing, like, yesterday,” Krasinski stated before airing a clip of a 75-year-old man being assaulted by a police officer. “What the fuck more do you need to see? 12 doesn’t give a fuck about you, and they never did!”

“I realize this clip doesn’t reflect the real change we’ve witnessed taking place around the country, but good news is subjective,” he added, “and goddamn if it isn’t a little bit satisfying to see this pig’s legs get crushed.”

Some long-time SGN viewers were confused and shocked by the subject matter, along with the host’s emphatic delivery while celebrating the occurrence.

“I was psyched to hear he was coming back for another episode… but I guess I sort of thought it was gonna be like, TikToks of essential workers doing the Macarena or something. But this week was pretty… intense,” said Des Moines resident and devout watcher Denise Frantz. “I guess I thought maybe it was a blooper or something, but the way he kept telling ‘all the blue lives matter bootlicking fuck heads’ to ‘get fucked’ made it feel not so playful. Plus, there were no slide whistle sound effects or anything — it was just people screaming.”

Indeed, in addition to “Some Good News,” other programs have witnessed a shift in content.

“For years, ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ has shared clips of local dads being hit in the nuts with wiffle ball bats, giant dogs shaking mud all over the house, and numerous antics involving trampolines large and small,” said AFHV executive producer Michele Nasraway. “But with more and more viewers aware of the rampant abuse of power exercised by our police force — some for the first time ever — we aim to delight with more videos of cops accidentally spraying themselves with pepper spray, or having tear gas canisters thrown back at them. AFHV says ACAB.”

At press time, Krasinski was seen spinning a globe with “AmeriKKKa” written over the United States.

Landscaping Hack! I Scheduled a Protest at My Address and the Cops Left This Pallet of Bricks

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Mark Maira

I’m a complete newbie when it comes to home improvement so when I decided to re-brick my garden, I took to the interwebs to find some landscaping hacks! I found some solid advice, but it turns out bricks are more expensive than you think. Fortunately, I have common sense so when I saw that the police were obviously placing bricks at protest locations, my first thought was, “The country I know and love is dead.” My second thought had more to do with how heavy and expensive bricks are and how far away Lowes is, so I knew exactly what to do.

I filed the paperwork to hold a protest and listed my address as the location. Sure enough, within hours of receiving my email confirmation, a plain-clothes policeman dropped off about a pallet-worth of bricks all around my neighborhood.

I tell ya, if the police get defunded they definitely have a future in delivery services.

This worked so well I signed up again for the next day and multiple officers showed up in uniform! This time I put ‘em to work. Pepper spray is a great weed killer so I told the cops the dandelions were working with Antifa and they were taken care of immediately.

Next, I had some loose soil around my recently planted Perennials so I told the cops that they donated to my local Black Lives Matter chapter. Naturally, they used their batons to really pack in that soil. I don’t think they even heard me clearly due to how loudly they were telling my flowers to “stop resisting.” They probably just heard “black lives matter” and instinctually began suppressing.

The police may be an out of control, murderous, insecure, petty, and scared gang who failed out of community college ROTC, but they sure come in handy when working on your home! All you have to do it trick them into using their tools in a way that helps people. I saw one of them spinning a baton kinda cool so I’ll offer him a sign spinning job when my car lot opens back up. It’ll feel good for him to have work he can feel pride in.

Cops Loot Over 50% of City Budget

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Aviva Siegel

LOS ANGELES — Police officers continued to wreak havoc on the city of Los Angeles this week, looting over 50% of the city budget, and stealing billions of dollars from innocent taxpayers, multiple sources confirmed.

“How is this sort of looting going to solve anything? I’m up for having a civil debate about how much funding should go to law enforcement, but destroying entire neighborhoods by not giving them the resources they need and instead allowing cops to get even more militarized is just wrong,” said watchdog activist Shirley Patterson right before tripping over an unfilled pothole. “We need to take a stand to defend our local infrastructure from these thugs! ‘When the looting starts, the shooting starts.’ And by that I mean, police will spend the money on needless amounts of firearms and equipment that they will unjustly use on the people of this country.”

Locals report seeing the violent radical extremists wearing dark blue clothing, armed with unnecessary military-grade weapons, excessive amounts of tear gas, self-satisfied smirks, and Oakley sunglasses.

“A lot of people are speculating that they might be part of a pro-fascist terrorist group called Profa, the local chapter seems to use the letters LAPD on all their gear to make themselves more identifiable. They also allegedly work with several co-conspirators including the DA, city council, the city attorney, the chair of the budget and finance committee, and the mayor. This was happening right under our noses and we had no idea,” said local taxpayer Andrea Walz, who works a full-time waitressing job during weekday city council meetings. “I mean I literally had no idea because I could not physically attend these meetings before they were available on Zoom.”

A senior member of the domestic terrorists commented on the supposed crimes.

“What are they gonna do, call the cops? Ha!” snorted Police Chief Michael Moore. “If you don’t like it then too bad, we are already more powerful than any politician. So fuck off and don’t look any of us in the eye or so help me God we will beat the ever-living dog shit out of you.”

National watchdog groups note that this is not an isolated incident and is happening in cities and towns across the country with no lawmakers trying to take a stand.

It’s Time for the First Ever Pacifist Run of America

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Ace Watkins

America is the Dark Souls of countries. We live in a brutally challenging world that punishes people for the smallest mistakes — and sometimes without making any mistakes at all. It is a system built upon pain and suffering and, as long as players work within that system, it is impossible to not be a part of its violence. That is why I want to be the first ever president to attempt a Pacifist Run of leading the United States.

For starters, we need to end the endless Modern Warfare that plagues our country. We have expanded far beyond what we need and our nation has an easy lock on the Largest Army card of the world. As president, I will end the CIA’s hacking through the invisible walls of other nations and let them play their own games for once. But this goes far beyond just foreign policy.

The American dream is the idea that anyone in this country can Git Gud with enough hard work. But for many Americans, that simply isn’t true. We need to make sure that our country works for everyone. We need to make sure that poor people, BIPOC people, LGTBQ+ people, and other oppressed groups all have the same loadouts so that they have an equal chance at winning the brutal Battle Royale that is America.

I am the only candidate for president who has vowed to change our country’s settings.

If you are truly committed to a Pacifist Run of America, you need to grapple with the oppressive systemic violence inherent in our society. That’s right — we live in a society. But it’s our job to make sure that it’s a good one. That’s why we need a Gamer in the White House.

Listen to my podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Written by Ace Watkins with contributions from Jeremy Kaplowitz.

So Called ‘Landlord’ Can’t Even Earth Bend

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Stephen Bell

ATHENS, Ohio — A group of local tenants are reportedly disappointed by their landlord’s inability to utilize even the most basic of earth bending techniques despite his title of landlord, sources have confirmed.

“When this guy introduced himself as our ‘landlord,’ I expected him to be a badass elemental master who could manipulate the earth beneath his feet,” said tenant Mario Sanders. “Instead, he’s just some crotchety old Hungarian dude who can’t even turn sand into plate armor or hurl boulders at his enemies. The only thing he seems to be able to do is nag me about how the rent is due on the first of the month.”

Other renters expressed similar disappointments with the so-called landlord.

“When we moved into this rental, the backyard was an absolute mess, and I foolishly thought that someone called the ‘landlord’ could handle it,” said fellow roommate Bao Pham. “Instead of powerfully striking the ground and contorting the backyard’s soil at will, he just dragged a bag of Miracle-Gro he bought at Home Depot out of the garage and started scattering it everywhere. What a disappointment.”

It soon became apparent that, not only could the landlord not bend the earth, but he had made little effort to master the other elements, either.

“The roof leaks, the AC is on the fritz, and the furnace constantly fails to ignite during the winter,” complained renter Erin Rodgers. “I was hoping he’d at least be able to bend the water away from the house instead of into my room, but all he did was put in some new shingles that haven’t really helped. Maybe the greedy bastard should try doing some money bending to resolve these issues if he can’t master the elements.”

At press time, the tenants of the building were briefly under the impression that the landlord had learned how to fire bend before realizing that one of them had just left something in the oven for too long.

Man Who Misused Charitable Funds From Own Foundation for Political Gain, Defrauded Students Through Sham University, Openly Admitted to Sexually Assaulting Women, Accused of Raping Women, Committed Campaign Finance Violations, Tax Fraud, Bank Fraud, Instigated Members of Armed Forces to Attack Political Opponents, Tortured Immigrant Children, Attacked Freedom of Press, Colluded With Foreign Government, Obstructed Justice, Perjured Self, Committed Witness Intimidation, Bribery, and Most Recently Threatened to Murder American Citizens, Hailed as Law and Order President

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Cory Cousins

WASHINGTON — President Trump ironically announced earlier this week that he would be a “law and order” president, despite a lengthy history of criminality, sources within the White House confirm.

“I don’t know why I continue to be surprised when Trump routinely tops himself when it comes to making astoundingly idiotic comments on live television,” replied exasperated FBI agent, Steve Carlson. “His new nickname for himself is uh, to put it mildly, wildly off-base. I’ve been investigating Trump for the past two years, and it is literally impossible to keep up with all the laws he breaks on a daily basis. Even since we started talking, Trump embezzled funds from the V.A., created another Ponzi scheme, and committed a hate crime on the steps of the Washington Monument. The man is quite simply, a law-breaking machine.”

Others, however, hold a different opinion on the appropriateness of President Trump’s new self-imposed label.

“God bless America and God bless President Donald Trump!” exclaimed local MAGA troll, Tammy Dobbs. “Very great leader — Trump only does good for the country and then all the libs tell lies cause they’re jealous and want to just have communism happen. Not on my watch! Law and order President Trump will shoot all of those liberal snowflakes right in their dumb ass heads, and I know he will, ‘cause he said so!”

A low-level White House staffer was available for comment regarding the regularity of illegal actions committed by the Trump administration during the past three and a half years.

“I’m not even worried about being labeled a ‘leaker,’” confessed White House file clerk and coffee deliverer, Peter Lyman. “People leak stuff to the press every day around here. Nobody cares. I sort of feel like we’re expected to break the law while we work here. The lion’s share of my work involves shredding legal documents and deleting security tapes.”

At press time, President Trump continued to highlight the irony of his new nickname by committing insider trading, lying to Congress, kicking an old woman in the shins, and burning an effigy of Nancy Pelosi in the White House Rose Garden.

Opinion: Nazi Presidents Fuck Off

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Dan Rice

In the ’80s, American Neo-Nazis targetted the hardcore punk scene for recruitment. Why they thought they’d find success among a group of angry and disenfranchised white male youth is beyond us, but they tried anyway. All across the country, they attempted to infiltrate and appropriate punk and skinhead culture. Eventually, they got tired of getting their noses broken in mosh pits and mostly fucked off from punk.

Unfortunately, today white supremacists have focused on taking over something almost as important as the punk scene: The Presidency of the United States.

Since 2016, the highest office in the land has been overrun by Neo-Nazi presidents. Just like the Nazi’s attempting to co-op punk, these guys like to become the president and recruit mentally and emotionally vulnerable people to their cause. This needs to end. Now, we’re not saying that beating up Nazi recruiters on sight is going to solve this. But it did solve it for punk. Just saying.

It’s easy to laugh off any Nazi as the clown they are, but the sad truth is a Nazi President has a lot of power. They have the power to appeal to racist uncles, the power to spread misinformation, and they can even set international policies, block legislation, and appoint supreme court judges! The only power Nazi punks have is the ability to get beat up and have no one give a shit.

So if you see a Nazi president, get them to fuck off by any means. We don’t care if that’s the punk scene, the oval office, or your fucking country. They’ll have their little SS buddies with them of course so make sure the whole crew turns out.

Village People Kick Out Police Officer

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Popular disco group the Village People announced they had severed ties with Victor Willis, better known as the Cop from the Village People, in the aftermath of yet another extrajudicial killing by police of an unarmed black person.

“While it goes without saying the Village People support the Black Lives Matter movement, their appearance at last year’s Riot Fest should be a clear indicator on their views of the police state,” noted spokesperson Connie Hayes. “Accordingly, the group has informed Mister Willis that his services in the group were no longer needed. While he offered to take on a new persona, we felt his history as a cop disqualified from further participation with the group. ACAB.”

The statement was met with mostly positive reactions, but some decried the perceived political correctness of the situation.

“This is just another sad attempt by formerly relevant pop stars to pander to the PC police,” ranted right-wing blogger Matt Walsh. “As usual, the left has taken their assault on law enforcement and traditional ideals of manhood and masculinity to new levels. How sad that a group that promoted the traditional values of military service and the Young Men’s Christian Association has fallen prey to this new so-called ‘woke’ culture that we live in. Just shut up and let us enjoy your music during sporting events and wedding receptions.”

Long-time fans of the group mostly concurred with the decision to remove Willis from the group.

“Well, first of all, he was the only straight one in the group, so that was already a mark against him,” stated music journalist Jason Fitzpatrick. “I don’t know why any group affiliated with the LGBT movement would find police sexy anyway? Did people forget the constant raids on gay bars that led to Stonewall? Learn your history.”

At press time, Fitzpatrick suggested replacing the cop with a firefighter, noting that “you don’t see calendars of cops with kittens.”

Photo by Wikimedia.

Listen to my podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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