Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Last Remaining Unfucked Household Objects Band Together in Final Escape Attempt

Posted on June 10, 2020 by Lauren Lavín

CHICAGO — A small group of household objects joined together last night to escape an impending and prolonged fucking by the “insatiable lady of the house” Sara Richardson, sources previously thought to be inanimate confirmed.

“I understand being stir crazy from sheltering in place, but this is a different level,” explained a clearly shaken remote control. “Some of the shit I’ve seen and heard, I won’t ever recover from. We’ve already failed to escape a few times already, so we’re making our last break for it. If we don’t make it this time, we’re going with the lava lamp’s plan: suicide pact.”

Dani Barahas, Richardson’s roommate who knew of previous escape attempts, confirmed the conspirators included common and uncommon objects such as a banana, a desk fan, and “either a statuette of an otter holding a flower, or some kind of prairie dog paperweight, maybe?”

“I left the windows open and the door unlocked. I just wanted to give these little guys a fighting chance,” Barahas said. “Everyone’s coping differently, so I try not to judge Sara, but it’s getting out of control. I’m eating ramen every day because I only trust plastic-sealed food to be safe, but pretty much everything else around here has been in or around Sara’s pussy, asshole, and mouth at some point.”

For her part, Richardson insisted she’s doing the best she can to responsibly follow safety and social distancing guidelines, but she hasn’t “gotten laid in seven months, or whenever quarantine began.”

“I got laid off immediately when this shit started, and since the government won’t extend relief payments, that one-time $1200 went straight to a kick-ass vibrator so I’d have no problem staying home. But that got old after a week,” said Richardson. “It shouldn’t matter how I’m getting off or what I’m getting off with, because it’s to everyone’s benefit. Honestly, now that the cities are starting to open up, I’m going to miss how relaxed I was during the quarantine period.”

At press time, Richardson was heard asking Barajas if she’d seen their lava lamp recently.

Blink-182 Write Protest Anthem About Crazy Antifa Girl, Farting on Cops

Posted on June 10, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Legendary pop-punk trio Blink-182 surprised fans by dropping a new, politically-charged single about meeting the girl of your dreams at a protest, and passing gas, numerous sources confirmed.

“We couldn’t let this important time in history pass us by. As a band, we’ve never been very political, but this song changes all that,” said bassist and only remaining original member, Mark Hoppus. “The song’s protagonist has a crush on a girl dressed in all black throwing rocks at cops, but eventually, her views about defunding the police are a bit much for him and their love story falls apart. There’s an entire subplot that runs through the chorus about how my farts are worse than tear gas and how I should be banned from eating at Taco Bell, it’s powerful. Suck off a horse, fuck face.”

Longtime fans of the group admit that the song seems pretty tone deaf given the current state of unrest.

“Don’t get me wrong, the song is super catchy and I’ve been humming it all day, but it just shows how out of touch these guys are at this point. The lyric ‘She wants to smash the state, I just want to take her on a date. She screams ‘Black Lives Matter,’ and I can’t stop looking at her,’ and then after that the lyrics posit that the Antifa girl’s mom is probably hot as hell,” said Omar Martinez. “It’s all very disappointing. I never thought that Tom DeLonge would actually turn out to be the most respectable guy in the group.”

Activists immediately panned the song for its message and the group’s fundraising efforts attached to the single.

“When they start singing ‘she’s gotta gotta gotta gotta be crazy for speaking her mind’ I shut it off and threw out my copy of ‘Enema of the State’ because I can’t believe I ever supported those guys,” said local protest organizer Aidie Lewis. “Not to mention the fact that their website claims that all the money they raise from the song will be donated to the ‘Hermosa Beach Boner Society.’ Not funny guys, people are dying in the streets.”

Similarly, the All-American Rejects released a new single titled “One Dead Cop is Just the Beginning” in a departure from their normal themes, instead choosing to focus on “hunting down police and murdering them in their homes in front of their family.”

Not All Cops: This One’s Dead

Posted on June 10, 2020 by Dan Rice

In the wake of George Floyd’s murder at the hands of police officers, anti-cop sentiment has exploded across the cultural landscape. Protests calling for police reform and demilitarization are being held all over the country and social media sites are ablaze with people sounding off with their outrage at law enforcement. While the outrage is understandable, it’s not entirely fair. Not all cops are corrupt and abusive. We at The Hard Times managed to find one apple whose guaranteed never to spoil.

Officer Paul Nolan of the NYPD was found dead in his apartment this morning, ensuring that he will never again harm another human being while enforcing the law.

Now, it’s true Nolan doesn’t have the cleanest past in law enforcement. He’s been sued seven times for racial discrimination, five of which incidents included the use of excessive force. He was suspected of taking bribes, drank on duty, and used police department equipment and manpower to spy on his ex-wife, but his future is clean as a whistle!

How did a once problematic police officer transform himself into America’s favorite kind of cop? According to the coroner Nolan overdosed on Oxycotton, an opioid he was secretly addicted to for several years. In other words, Nolan pulled a 1-8-7 on his motherfuckin’ self.

Yes, he may have a checkered past, but officer Nolan now exemplifies everything we would like to see from police officers going forward.

Protesters everywhere are demanding a ban on chokeholds during an arrest. By depriving himself of life, Nolan has committed himself to never choking a suspect again. #notallcops.

Officer Nolan truly does not see color, age, or gender. He is not cognizant of a person’s religion, sexual orientation, or political views. He is incorruptible, unbiased, and he doesn’t cost the taxpayers anything. He’s basically RoboCop if they never turned that dead guy into RoboCop.

Dead or alive, this guy can’t hurt you. Because he’s dead. DeadCop.

So the next time you want to write ACAB on a protest sign, try to remember not all cops are bastards. Some of them were bastards.

Cop Filming Birth of Child Can’t Seem to Keep Camera On

Posted on June 10, 2020 by Doug Francisco

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Carson Boucher could not record his wife giving birth to their first son last night due to his habit of always turning his camera off at the most important times, a department whistleblower requesting anonymity confirmed.

“There’s a good deal of footage both before and after. As soon as I got the malfunctioning camera back on, you can clearly see there is a young woman — my wife — in a lot of pain on the bed with a slimy newborn on her chest,” said Boucher from the hospital waiting room. “That said, I was unable to ascertain a rendered image of the actual event in question. Rest assured, we’re looking into what sort of technical glitch could cause such a thing to happen, and hoping there’s a way to recover the footage so we can have a way to remember today’s events.”

Boucher’s wife Mary Boucher-Hartley was disappointed, but not surprised.

“The pattern is consistent throughout our marriage — whether blowing out birthday candles, or when I definitely landed a kickflip on a skateboard, he never seems to record it. I have gone too long without holding him accountable. That ends today,” she said. “I’m calling on him to either produce the video of our child’s birth, or to resign as my husband to allow for someone more fit to assume the position.”

However, OB/GYN Dr. Julia Martin believes there may be more to the situation.

“When he entered the room with the camera, he kept saying, ‘I’m live’ and ‘I’ve gone Hollywood!’ — almost like he was trying to let us know he was recording. But when I told my patient to push for the last time, he said, ‘Dark sky,’” said Dr. Martin. “I’m not sure why he wouldn’t want to record his child being born — it must be reflexive for him to stop recording any time he sees something resembling trauma.”

Ms. Boucher-Hartley’s mother, sister, and father, also all police officers, were also present and unable to produce any video of the birth. None have responded to a request for comment.

343 Releases Video of Halo Players Calling People Gay on Voice Chat in Honor of Pride Month

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — 343 has released a heartwarming video to social media in honor of LGBTQ+ pride showcasing thousands audio clips from Halo fans calling their opponents gay.

“You’re such a fucking homo, you can’t aim for shit, fucking get at me 1v1 customs, bitch,” begins one audio clip, superimposed over an image of a rainbow Master Chief, before transitioning into another. “You are a fucking gay hacker.”

Microsoft executives were quick to praise the video for furthering the LGBTQ+ movement and making substantive change.

“We’re really proud of what the 343 team has put out in honor of Pride Month,” said Phil Spencer. “But we’re not just all talk here. We also made sure to make a hefty donation to the executive who came up with the idea and told subordinates to put together the video.”

“I think that it just goes to show how positive a force our fans are,” Spencer added. “They even included some words and phrases that I hadn’t even heard of before! It’s really incredible. I’m no expert in these things, but I think the LGBTQ+ community could perhaps add a letter for people who have sex with other people’s mothers.”

Despite positive intentions, many fans were upset about the video.

“This is such bullshit!!!!! I can no longer support Halo now that they have become political!!!” said xXsnIp3rboI03Xx in a comment on Instagram. “I cannot believe that 343 would TWIST my WORDS like this!!!!!!!

At press time, 343 released a statement to clear up confusion that, despite the image of a rainbow Master Chief, John 117 is still canonically heterosexual and in love with his AI Cortana. “Anything you see online with the Chief and Arbiter is strictly fan art,” the statement said.

Red Letter Media Accidentally Posts Four-Hour Video Lambasting ‘Black Widow’ Six Months Prior to Film’s Release

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — In what is being seen as a huge gaffe, popular YouTube channel Red Letter Media accidentally uploaded its harsh critique of the new Marvel film Black Widow half a year before the film arrives in theaters.

“Well, clearly we are going to hate it. I haven’t enjoyed a movie since 1999 and it takes a lot to put these together, so we have to start early,” said RLM personality Mike Stoklasa. “We have to do our normal three-hour review of how much we hated it, and then our Mr. Plinkett review, which is another two hours of repeating the same critiques from our other review but… you know, funny.”

Fans of the channel didn’t seem to care or even notice that something was amiss.

“I hated the movie too. It was all Mary Sue fanservice,” Seth Coleman, who could have not seen the movie, said. “There were these parts in the review where the screen just said ‘Insert footage here’ that were so funny. They also just reused footage from their Picard review, which didn’t make a lot of sense but it was like subversive humor you probably wouldn’t understand.”

Another RLM personality, Jay Bauman, didn’t seem phased by the mistake either.

“Yeah, I don’t fucking care. I’ve been dead inside for years,” Bauman said. “If the movie is good or bad is arbitrary, our fans don’t watch us to hear about things we like. Our reviews all kind of plug-and-play at this point. Harp on a single detail over and over again, zoom in on one scene that isn’t so great and blow it way out of proportion.”

Red Letter Media decided to roll with this trend and upload a video declaring Denis Villeneuve’s Dune remake ‘Film of the Year’ before a trailer is even released.

Trump Keeping Jobs in America by Ordering Military to Kill People Here Instead of Overseas

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Caroline Smith

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bring jobs back home to the U.S., President Trump ordered soldiers enlisted in the military to kill American citizens last week rather than using their killing power overseas.

“America is going back to work, and nobody puts Americans back to work better than me, “ said Trump from his golf cart while sipping a Diet Coke. “I knew the jobs would come back — I’m naturally gifted at economics, even the experts are impressed. When economists asked me personally how we could save our jobs, the idea just came to me: there are going to be so many military jobs it will make your head spin. We’ll be stacking bodies hundreds of feet high, mark my words. I will be the greatest ‘jobs’ president God ever created.”

Clement Bel, a senior economist at a conservative think tank, backed Trump’s assertions.

“Sanctioned homicide might be up 100 percent, but this is 900,000 jobs that are back in the United States,” said Bel. “This move not only boosted job prospects, but also eliminated a lot of people who were filing for unemployment. The president is killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe it should be more like, ‘kill two citizens with one heavily armed military officer.’”

Some of the long-term unemployed were surprised but delighted.

“I thought Trump’s mantra to ‘Make America Great Again’ was just going to be another empty promise — like the return to family values, or the south rising again,” beamed Abner Finley, a former auto plant worker. “Trump is a man of his word, and he promised to keep our jobs from leaving the country. I personally can’t join our troops — I lost my fingers in the plant fire of ’95 — but my heart is there in every unwarranted use of military force.”

At press time, the soldiers who returned home for work were flashing peace signs over the bodies of conquered American citizens, and were reminding the American public to follow #workingfromhome2020 on social media to see their tax dollars in action.

I Wouldn’t Care That My House Is Haunted, Except That All These Ghosts Are Really Racist

Posted on June 9, 2020 by James Knapp

I’m not afraid of ghosts. They actually fascinate me quite a bit. So I’m not at all concerned that my new house seems to be haunted by several spectral presences; that is, I wouldn’t be, except that every one of them is inexcusably racist.

Look, I get it, they’re from a different time. When they died, probably from ceaseless, choleric diarrhea, people weren’t as socially conscious as they are now. But that doesn’t make for much consolation when I step out of the shower and see that some apparition has written the word ‘Jews’ in fog on the bathroom mirror.

This house was built more than a century ago, so there are a few different ghosts floating around the place. One seems to be an old woman dressed in a 1950s era housecoat. The only times I’ve ever seen her have been standing directly in front of the fine china hutch whenever a black friend comes to visit.

In the basement, I often see the specter of a young man, dressed in a 1920s business suit. I haven’t quite figured out his backstory, but whenever I do laundry down there I hear him whisper “that’s how the chinaman used to wash my linens.”

Then there’s this old, old ghost that I think may have been a Civil War general… on the slavery side. I’m not gonna repeat what I’ve seen him scrawl in blood on my walls; I will say that I’m not a religious man, but I’ve already started calling up exorcists because that motherfucker has fucked up a lot of my interpersonal relationships. There’s only so many times you can use “the ghost did it” as an excuse before you seem like you’re being condescending.

So, what have I learned from all this. First, don’t get your real estate agent off 4chan. Second, progress is constant, and inconsistent at best; and the prejudices of those who came before us should not define us but serve as a reminder that we must always work to better ourselves and our communities.

Third, actually, fuck that last thing I said. I want these goddamn racist poltergeists gone. I don’t care if they’re from another time; if I find my furniture arranged into a swastika one more time I’m calling Ghost Hunters.

Pepper Spray Only Seasoning White Cop Knows How To Use

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Salim Alam

MINNEAPOLIS — Local cop and bland-tasted white guy Cody Anderson admitted earlier today that, despite his general aversion to any seasoning heavier than salt, he routinely uses pepper spray, both on and off the job.

“As a 52-year-old white man from the midwest, I just didn’t grow up with the most adventurous palate, so you can’t really blame me for that. Fortunately, the four months I spent training to become a law enforcement officer of the state helped me become pretty familiar with spices that definitely make a statement, without all the flashiness of paprika,” Anderson stated. “Look, at the end of the day, I’m just doing my job. Sometimes it’s hard to know how much is too much, but it’s just easier to apply in large quantities and figure out later if that was a good idea. It’s way less confusing than potato salad.”

Local citizens familiar with Officer Anderson’s liberal, unprovoked, use of pepper spray goes above and beyond what is needed.

“My friends and I were just walking out here, just peacefully protesting when we saw this random cop rush at us out of nowhere, pulls a canister of pepper spray out of a Ziploc baggy, and sprays me and my friend and everyone else in sight,” local protester Mariko Abe, who later realized that the spray “still lacked a little something.” “People backed away at first, but then we realized this shit is weak. It kind of felt like water; it was actually more refreshing than painful. Honestly, not sure if he was incompetent or just trying to help.”

Despite Anderson’s rampant use of pepper spray, sources reported witnessing his otherwise lack of seasoning ability, which included making hummus without tahini, bringing mayonnaise-glazed chicken to the department picnic, and putting ketchup on hotdogs.

“Oh, there were definitely red flags. He would often use little squirts of the pepper spray on a bowl of Mac and Cheese, and then talk about how immigrants ruined the American diet,” Anderson’s former partner Karim Davis. “It was very uncomfortable, especially when he started adding bacon bits and celery into the bowl. I had to leave the room entirely.”

At press time, protestors had invited Anderson to put the pepper spray down and join them in exploring other flavors, but he was frantically going person-to-person asking where the nearest bathroom was.

Local Gamer’s Closest Black Friend Still Kareem Campbell

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

PORTLAND, Maine — Local gamer Seth Barker’s only black friend is reportedly the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 avatar of professional skateboarder Kareem Campbell, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Kareem and I go way back. We’ve known each other since 2000,” Barker told friends. “With all these protests going on, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through right now. Can a white person ever really know what it’s like to be a black person in America? I mean obviously I know what it’s like to skate as him. He’s really good at spins.”

Barker’s other friends insist that he does not really know Campbell, but Barker disagrees.

“Of course I know Kareem!” Barker said. “Born in New York and raised in L.A., Kareem’s smooth metropolitan style is recognized on both coasts. Maybe I don’t know him as well as Rodney Mullen or Spider-Man, but that’s only because I really like hitting manuals.”

Blair Morton, Barker’s girlfriend, is reportedly working to change Barker’s opinion and introduce him to more black people in their community.

“It’s just totally ridiculous to claim that your closest black friend is a video game character,” said Morton. “He needs to go out and expand his worldview. For example, he has not spent the time to get to know any of my close black friends, such as Garnet from Steven’s Universe, Hermione from just Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, or the poster of Michelle Obama I hang in my bedroom.”

When asked to comment, Campbell said that he did know Barker. “Anyone who has skated as me knows me,” Campbell said. “They know the low hang time life.”

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