Pop Punk Frontman Tired of Having to Homeschool Girlfriend

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — 26-year-old pop-punk frontman Derrick Ford hit his breaking point last week while tutoring his 17-year-old girlfriend Madison Parker during online summer school classes, sources close to the couple confirm.

“I had no idea teaching her would be this hard and frustrating,” Ford admitted. “Madison is pretty mature and smart for her age, but no matter how hard I try to explain the underlying themes in ‘Lolita,’ her teenage brain just can’t identify the middle-aged protagonist’s conflict of conscience between morality and innocence, coupled with his inability to acknowledge his victimization of an underage girl. It’s not exactly a brainbuster. I just want to go back to when we only saw each other during my shows, and she would sneak me into her hotel after her Model UN tournaments.”

Parker revealed she is also struggling with studying alongside her adult boyfriend.

“Derrick used to be so romantic,” Parker lamented. “Now he raises his voice at me whenever I look at my cell phone during virtual class time. He’s just like my chemistry teacher, Mr. Collins, except not very smart — he legit told me that if I eat carrots every night at dinner, I’ll develop night vision. I feel like I’ve become less intelligent since being quarantined with him… and I’m starting to think he might be a bit of a creep.”

Trigonometry teacher Rebecca Katz conducts a weekly check-in with Parker and seemed concerned.

“Madison struggled with her work before being quarantined, so I wanted to make sure she was on track and to answer any questions she might have,” noted Katz. “However, when I got on Zoom with her this week, she introduced me to her ‘mentor and boyfriend,’ who turned out to be my scumbag ex, Derrick — I of course had a private conversation with her, and then called social services on his ass. What a piece of shit.”

Following an intervention by social services, Ford allegedly ate a pint of Chunky Monkey in one sitting and ugly-cried to “Harold and Maude.”

Gamer Furious to Discover Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality Includes 1,637 Games He Just Bought Last Week

ST. LOUIS — Gamer Kyle Brown was upset to discover that the 1,637 titles he had recently bought from the itch.io storefront were the exact same set being featured in the website’s massively popular Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality.

“This is un-fucking-believable,” said Brown, after learning of the five dollar requested donation the hugely successful bundle is asking. “I was up the other looking at games. I’d been meaning to finally check out Celeste. Then I grabbed Nuclear Throne and Minit and a couple of others, and then before I knew it I’d spent over nine thousand dollars on various independent games, tabletop RPGs, and these asset pack things I don’t fully understand. I probably overdid it a little bit. And now this bullshit.” 

Several days later, itch.io debuted a collection of games whose proceeds would be split evenly between the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the Community Bail Fund, which after a few waves of additions following its initial debut, coincidentally mirrored the recent purchases of Brown’s identically.

“This always happens,” he said. “If it isn’t the free PS Plus games being something I just bought, it’s the sixteen hundred indie games I just got on a whim. God fucking damn it.” 

As of press time, Brown was playing A Short Hike to try to chill out a little bit.

Report: Yeah, I Dunno, There’s a Bunch of New Video Games Coming Out

NEW YORK — Those who have watched Sony’s PS5 – The Future of Gaming Show are reporting that, I don’t know, there’s like a bunch of new games coming out or whatever.

The reveal featured numerous trailers and clips from games such as Ratchet & Clank, Spider-Man, and Horizon: Zero Dawn, I think, but I went to the bathroom for a little bit. Excitement for these upcoming titles is high despite that,it’s just like a bunch more games. Kinda the same shit as always, I guess.

“The reveal showcased a lot of new games. Or at least I think they were games, they could very well have been trailers for animated short films. Like that one about the robot who sees a cat and then goes to the moon. Not sure that’s a game,” said Jeremy Kaplowitz, the person writing this report. “I wasn’t really paying attention the entire time because I was trying to think of snarky tweets, but I’m pretty sure there were at least two trailers that prominently featured robots or aliens as a metaphor for systemic oppression. Hopefully they pull that off well.”

“Maybe I secretly hate video games,” he added, speaking to no one in particular. “There was a time in my life when I was excited to live in a virtual world, controlling any character that isn’t myself. Now I get irrationally upset watching a guy eat a sentient strawberry and having his hand turn into two strawberries. They showed us that like we were supposed to understand what we were looking at. I fully get that the level of upset I am is unhealthy and strange, but like, I don’t know, I gotta write about this?”

The livestream further shocked viewers with a reveal of the design of the PlayStation 5, which, to be honest, looks how you would expect a PlayStation 5 to look.

Exhausted Characters in Game Demo Can’t Keep Up With Quick PS5 Loading Times

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Due to the impressive power of the forthcoming console’s custom SSD and 10-teraflop GPU, beloved game characters Ratchet and Clank reportedly became exhausted while trying to keep up with the extremely quick loading times of the demo for Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, multiple sources confirmed.

“There was a lot of exciting new information about the PS5’s launch titles during today’s event, but the thing that grabbed the most attention was how noticeably out of breath Ratchet was by the end of that Rift Apart demo,” said games journalist Rachel Billings in a post-show analysis. “Previous AAA games on past PlayStation consoles have always included a series of long hallways, rock wall crevasses to sidle up against, or at the very least, some high ledges requiring one character to boost another one up to reach a ladder or something.”

These have always been clever ways to hide loading times, but they’ve also allowed in-game characters to catch their breath and get a second wind during their adventures,” Billings added. “The PS5’s new architecture seems to have done away with these loading spots almost completely, which means these characters are forced to just haul ass as hard as they can from start to finish.”

In addition to Ratchet’s heavy, ragged breathing, which could be heard crystal clear through the PS5’s new Tempest Engine audio system, Billings noted that she could also observe a heavy coating of glistening sweat on the lombax’s forehead thanks to the console’s ray tracing support.

“In traditional action-adventure games, exhaustion is usually communicated to the player through very hamfisted, predetermined walk cycles to show that the character is tired or injured,” Billings explained. “What Sony seems to have accomplished here is a way to dynamically wear out the player character in real time by removing any opportunity for them to rest. I’m sure this will lead to some incredibly immersive game experiences. Plus, it will probably add a lot of gameplay time once your character doesn’t have any more gas in the tank. Really impressed by what the PlayStation team has delivered!”

At press time, Sony had announced that this impressive new feature would be applied retroactively to backwards-compatible games to make classic PS4 characters look as fatigued as gamers have always imagined them.

Local Man Recounting Harrowing Stories from Protest He Watched Online

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local concerned citizen Rob Cinyek is providing a detailed play-by-play account of last night’s protests against racial injustice, as witnessed in real time from the comfort of his couch.

“Shit got pretty hairy for a minute there. The cops started shooting tear gas and everyone took cover behind a parked car,” Cinyek told others viewing the same live video on Facebook. “That’s when things got hazy because I had to go do the dishes, but when I came back, shit was still going wild… and the mainstream media won’t show you what is actually happening on the streets. I spent a half hour arguing with someone who claimed the protesters were inciting violence, but eventually we figured out that we’d been watching two completely different live streams. Kind of inspiring that we could overcome our differences like that.”

Those close to Cinyek tried telling him that his brand of activism may be counterproductive.

“It’s bad enough that cops are tear-gassing people and shooting rubber bullets for no reason at protesters without these skewed accounts of what went down from people who weren’t even there,” said friend Imiri Kramer. “I tried to tell Rob that he can Venmo me money for supplies or donate to a bail fund if he wants to get involved from home, but he just said that he was ‘gearing up for round two’ by making sure he has enough snacks within arm’s reach to avoid any extra trips to the kitchen.”

Local TV news producer Christine Brennamen noted more viewers are getting their news from social media live feeds.

“It’s not a good thing for people to be taking in so much raw, unfiltered footage — a trusted, reliable news source knows when to cut away just after police take a knee and before they return to spraying rubber bullets,” said Brennamen. “And what about production value? For our last story, we spliced in a few clips from the end of the first ‘Avengers’ movie. How many streamers can clear those kinds of rights?”

“We as journalists have a responsibility to keep our cameras trained on only the most hard-hitting truths,” Brennamen added. “That’s why we’re camped outside of this Lululemon waiting for someone to start looting.”

Shit: Now My Parents Know What My ACAB Tattoo Stands For

Everyone knows I’m rebellious. I wear it on my sleeve. More specifically, on my knuckles. When my buddies and I got drunk at Steve’s and started doing stick-n-poke tats, I knew I needed ACAB emblazoned on my skin. For the uninitiated, ACAB stands for “All Cops Are Bastards” and now it’s there to let the whole world know what I think about the boys in blue, especially now since ACAB has entered the American vernacular.

Shit. Wait. You don’t think everybody knows what it means, right? Do moms not know? The last thing I want is to upset my mom and this would definitely do it. I’d never dream of disappointing her. She’s an angel. I don’t give a fuck what my dad thinks though. Like I said, I’m a rebel.

That’s why I was so careful to make sure she never knew what it meant. Sure, I didn’t think they’d believe it meant “Albino Cats Are Beautiful” forever, but it’s been working so far. One time my little brother said he knew what it meant. I got scared and asked what. He said it had something to do with Fortnight so I figured if I learned a dance to go along with it, I could audible if needed.

But it all went to hell when the mainstream media put ACAB on blast. Punks used to be the only ones who understood my tattoo until I would yell what it meant across the room. Now I see people on CNN marching around with ACAB signs and I can guarantee you they’ve never been to a Dead Kennedys show. I mean, neither have I. But I would have if I had been born earlier, lived in the Bay Area, and punk was more mainstream at the time.

Oh shit. Just now my mom turned off the news and said we need to talk about my “life choices.” I guess the writing’s on the wall, which is kind of ironic because I’ve written ACAB on the wall of every bathroom I’ve ever been in.

Wish me luck! Hopefully, she still thinks my sXe tattoo just means “sexy.”

12-Year-Old Added To Terrorist Watchlist After Drawing Anarchy Symbol On Chemistry Notebook

COLUMBUS — Local 7th grader Theo Hansen was shocked to learn that he had been added to the national terrorist watchlist for scribbling a poorly-drawn anarchy symbol onto a school notebook, according to his equally shocked parents.

“The cops kicked in the front door of my house saying they had seen security footage of me at some gas station and that a bunch FBI dudes needed to see my notebook,” said Hansen. “I was just kinda zoning out and doodling like normal. I took a break from trying to get that DK just right and I wasn’t really thinking anything when I drew it. Is this legal?”

Hansen was reportedly referred to the FBI by the chemistry teacher at a local middle school after noticing that Hansen, who cannot even go on field trips without his parent’s permission, had scribbled an anarchy symbol on his spiral ring notebook.

“These are strange and scary times,” said Mrs. Carpenter, Hansen’s chemistry teacher. “I thought he was always such a quiet kid, but I guess I was wrong. I once saw him try to toss an empty water bottle into the trash can from a few feet away, which I now recognize as him trying to incite a riot. When I saw what he had doodled, I had to turn him in. I mean, drawing that symbol on his chemistry notebook? He could have been developing some kind of anarchist cookbook, and God help us if that ever sees the light of day.”

Despite the fact that Hansen is a model student who has never even served detention, the FBI expressed gratitude to Mrs. Carpenter for exercising her civic duty by reporting a minor to the federal government.

“We take these kinds of reports very seriously,” said someone identifying themselves only as Agent Krist. “The journey of the radical left starts when they’re young. One day they’re drawing an anarchy symbol on their notebook, the next they’re demanding systemic reform that could change the world, and the shareholders make it very clear that we can’t let that happen. Thank God President Trump is threatening to take action against these Antifa terrorists. They are a direct threat to the American way of life, which as we all know, is perfect.”

Hansen seemed unconcerned about the plainclothes officers that have been following him over the last several days, stating that “criminalizing a leaderless ideology is a blank check to round up whoever they want. I’m 12, and even I know that.”

Opinion: Gaming Is Labor, and It Is Being Exploited

Leftist ideas are becoming mainstream in America, but many workers are still forgotten. I am here to advocate for perhaps the most forgotten of all. I don’t care if I end up in chains for speaking the truth: Gaming is labor, and it is being exploited.

You probably haven’t read Das Kapital, a very large and important book that I finished really fast and wasn’t even confused or anything. In this book, which I read, Karl Marx explains the nature of labor and value under capitalism. It’s way too complicated for you to understand on your own. That’s not your fault — much like a serf, the average Gamer is simply too ignorant and malnourished to read an entire instructional booklet.

But you can’t play a new Game if you don’t know the controls, and make no mistake: Revolution is a Game. So I’ll try to explain the basics in terms you can understand.

Let’s say you are a factory worker in China. The factory makes computers. Every day, you and your coworkers show up at the factory, where there is everything you need to create as many computers as you can. That includes tools and raw materials, components, lots of stuff — we’ll just lump these things together and call them “inputs,” because complicated lore sucks and I hate it. So, every day at work, you consume the inputs with your labor, and in the process, you transform them into products. The products (computers) are worth more than the inputs (metal, glass, silicon, factory tools, etc.), because they have absorbed the value of your labor. Again: your labor is what makes the product more valuable than the sum of its parts.

But as a factory worker, you don’t own the computers you make. In a capitalist system, the owner of the product is the person who owned the inputs. That owner, the capitalist, is free to sell the computers for market value. But the wages that the owner pays you, the factory worker, are not based on that market value. Wages are based on how little the owner can get away with paying you. In an economy where the owners have all the power, that can be very little indeed. 

If you take the value of the computer, and you subtract the value of the inputs, you have the value of the labor. Wages are, by definition, lower than that value. If the owner paid the worker the full value of their labor, there would be no profit. Profit is a measure of how underpaid the worker is.

Did you get all that? Probably not. If you want me to repeat it, press the “up” arrow and read the last three paragraphs again. Press the “down” arrow to continue.

Now, let’s say you are a coder in Seattle. You get hired by a video game developer. The developer has purchased an office full of those computers from China. Every day, you and your coworkers show up at your desks, where you are given all the inputs you need to code a Battle Royale video game. The computers from China are now inputs. Other inputs include server space, electricity, and I don’t know, whatever stuff you use to make a video game. The game developer owns all of these things. And using all their inputs, you and your coworkers create the product: a video game. Just like the factory owner, the game developer can now sell the product (the video game) for its market value. It doesn’t matter if they do it with a subscription, or a one-time payment of $60, or maybe it’s free to the user and they make money off marketing partnerships. Whatever. That’s still market value. And just like in the factory, the wages are not set by this market value at all. The wages are set as low as coders in Seattle will accept. So, the profit cycle continues: the developer’s profit comes from the gap between those wages and the value of the labor itself. The gap for a coder in Seattle might be slightly less than the gap for the Chinese factory worker, but it’s there. If it wasn’t, the game developer would not be profitable.

Okay, now stop for a second. Breathe. Make sure you have all your potions and weapons, because you are about to meet the Boss. Quicksave. Ready?

Imagine a completely empty Battle Royale game. This video game has been developed, but nobody has played it yet. The beta hasn’t been opened. Servers are completely dead — no squads, no streamers, no griefers. Nothing. In that state, is it really a Battle Royale game at all? No, it’s not. That’s because when an online game reaches the hands of the Gamer, the game ceases to be a product anymore. It’s an input. Just like the computers from China, it goes from a product to an item used to make a product. And what’s missing is our labor.

The game software, the console, the internet connection, the screen — these are all inputs. Your labor, your gaming, is what transforms these things into a product like Fortnite, which gains its value from how many Gamers are playing it. And while you might think you own all the inputs just because they’re in your house, that can’t possibly be true. If it were, you would own the product.

Let’s say you’re a Gamer anywhere in the world. You install a new Battle Royale game developed in Seattle. You and your co-Gamers are presented with a virtual world, physics engine, cosmetic items, weapons, and everything else you need to create a thriving online game. You take in these inputs, and with your gaming, you transform them into an extremely valuable product. Fortnite is worth billions of dollars. Do you get your share of that value for your labor? No. In fact, you don’t even get wages — you pay for a season pass. They sell you a product that exists on the back of your own unpaid labor, and worst of all, they expect you to like it.

One more time, with feeling: Gaming is labor, and it is being exploited.

If We Defund the Police, Whose Goddamn Helicopters Am I Going to Steal?

Hey you ugly motherfuckers! I’ve been watching your pissy little protests and I have just one little bitty question for you. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET MILITARY GRADE WEAPONRY BEING OPERATED AND SUPERVISED BY UNEDUCATED LUNKHEADS IF WE DEFUND THE FUCKING POLICE, YOU STUPID BASTARDS?!

You motherfuckers are going to ruin everything! The one thing you can count on in this asshole of a city is that the pigs are going to have the best and most expensive equipment at all times, no matter how underfunded the local schools and hospitals are. So while our communities crumble, the ones who enforce the rules drive tanks and helicopters. This puts a greater social emphasis on conformity than harmony and growth, and it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!

The one goddamned silver lining to this bullshit police state we live in is that at least if I need to secure a helicopter or armored car on short notice to make my day go a little easier, I know where to find one. If we start funding everything proportionately, how am I going to run meth in and out of Los Santos? With an improved public transit system?! Use your fucking heads, people!

And before one of you judgemental ball lickers goes telling me I don’t understand what these protests are all about, just back the fuck off! I may look like your average Fox-News-watching, boot-fucking middle American, but I’m more like you weird ass kids than you realize. Hell, I was throwing molotov cocktails at cops while your dad was pounding you into your mother. All I’m saying is, think of the long con on this one. Without proper funding, the criminals of Liberty City won’t be equipped to do their jobs. 

Oh, and as a guy that doesn’t know what exactly I’ll feel like stickin’ my dick into from one particular day to the next, let me wish you all a HAPPY FUCKING PRIDE MONTH!

— Trevor Phillips, Entrepreneur

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