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Pop Punk Frontman Tired of Having to Homeschool Girlfriend

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — 26-year-old pop-punk frontman Derrick Ford hit his breaking point last week while tutoring his 17-year-old girlfriend Madison Parker during online summer school classes, sources close to the couple confirm.

“I had no idea teaching her would be this hard and frustrating,” Ford admitted. “Madison is pretty mature and smart for her age, but no matter how hard I try to explain the underlying themes in ‘Lolita,’ her teenage brain just can’t identify the middle-aged protagonist’s conflict of conscience between morality and innocence, coupled with his inability to acknowledge his victimization of an underage girl. It’s not exactly a brainbuster. I just want to go back to when we only saw each other during my shows, and she would sneak me into her hotel after her Model UN tournaments.”

Parker revealed she is also struggling with studying alongside her adult boyfriend.

“Derrick used to be so romantic,” Parker lamented. “Now he raises his voice at me whenever I look at my cell phone during virtual class time. He’s just like my chemistry teacher, Mr. Collins, except not very smart — he legit told me that if I eat carrots every night at dinner, I’ll develop night vision. I feel like I’ve become less intelligent since being quarantined with him… and I’m starting to think he might be a bit of a creep.”

Trigonometry teacher Rebecca Katz conducts a weekly check-in with Parker and seemed concerned.

“Madison struggled with her work before being quarantined, so I wanted to make sure she was on track and to answer any questions she might have,” noted Katz. “However, when I got on Zoom with her this week, she introduced me to her ‘mentor and boyfriend,’ who turned out to be my scumbag ex, Derrick — I of course had a private conversation with her, and then called social services on his ass. What a piece of shit.”

Following an intervention by social services, Ford allegedly ate a pint of Chunky Monkey in one sitting and ugly-cried to “Harold and Maude.”