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If We Defund the Police, Whose Goddamn Helicopters Am I Going to Steal?

Hey you ugly motherfuckers! I’ve been watching your pissy little protests and I have just one little bitty question for you. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET MILITARY GRADE WEAPONRY BEING OPERATED AND SUPERVISED BY UNEDUCATED LUNKHEADS IF WE DEFUND THE FUCKING POLICE, YOU STUPID BASTARDS?!

You motherfuckers are going to ruin everything! The one thing you can count on in this asshole of a city is that the pigs are going to have the best and most expensive equipment at all times, no matter how underfunded the local schools and hospitals are. So while our communities crumble, the ones who enforce the rules drive tanks and helicopters. This puts a greater social emphasis on conformity than harmony and growth, and it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!

The one goddamned silver lining to this bullshit police state we live in is that at least if I need to secure a helicopter or armored car on short notice to make my day go a little easier, I know where to find one. If we start funding everything proportionately, how am I going to run meth in and out of Los Santos? With an improved public transit system?! Use your fucking heads, people!

And before one of you judgemental ball lickers goes telling me I don’t understand what these protests are all about, just back the fuck off! I may look like your average Fox-News-watching, boot-fucking middle American, but I’m more like you weird ass kids than you realize. Hell, I was throwing molotov cocktails at cops while your dad was pounding you into your mother. All I’m saying is, think of the long con on this one. Without proper funding, the criminals of Liberty City won’t be equipped to do their jobs. 

Oh, and as a guy that doesn’t know what exactly I’ll feel like stickin’ my dick into from one particular day to the next, let me wish you all a HAPPY FUCKING PRIDE MONTH!

 

— Trevor Phillips, Entrepreneur

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