Guy Looting GameStop Makes Off With 300 Empty Cases

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

BOSTON — An unidentified looter was seen breaking into a Gamestop early Friday morning and absconding with over 300 empty video game cases, according to sources.

“I’m set for life!” screamed the looter, who remains at large, as he ran off into the woods carrying a large sack filled to the brim with empty video game cases. “I’m gonna quit my job, I’m going to drop out of school, I’m going to start my own craft brewery! Fuck you, Dad! I told you I’d make it! Suck my dick, Gamestop!”

Stocking store shelves with empty video game cases has been GameStop policy for years. It’s intended to help negate shoplifting along with a few other benefits.

“Several years ago, corporate instituted a company-wide Prima Nocta Initiative. Every time we get a brand-new game, we open the case and pull it out so our shitty little bitch customers know we’re in charge,” explained Senior Game Advisor Juan Simmons. “Also, do you want to sign up for a Power Up Rewards card? You’d be doing me a huge favor, and you’ll get an extra three percent on all Funko trade-ins.”

While the looter clearly overestimated the monetary value of his haul, experts believe his actions may still have a significant economic impact on the company.

“Okay, yes, so he didn’t get any actual games, but those boxes don’t exactly grow on trees,” explained Gamestop executive Regina Buttersworth, scratching absentmindedly at her neck. “I mean, that’s probably, what, five dollars in plastic? The percentage of our monthly revenue that represents would shock you.”

As of press time, the looter was seen running from a Food Lion with an armful of unactivated gift cards and a party sized bag of Chex Mix, bringing the monetary value of his heists to $11.

Officer Once Proudly Featured on “Cops” Suddenly Has A Problem Being Filmed

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MIAMI — Ofc. Mark Stewart of the Miami Police Department has reportedly changed his opinion on being filmed while on the job, despite once proudly being featured on the recently canceled television reality show “Cops,” protesting sources confirmed.

“When I was on ‘Cops,’ the praise kept rolling in. Everyone really enjoyed seeing me lay down the law — cracking skulls and checking people’s IDs, in that order,” reminisced the temporarily suspended officer who was recently charged with assaulting a peaceful protestor. “But now it’s different. Every amateur with a smartphone is filming me and screaming, ‘He can’t breathe,’ or, ‘What about the constitution?’ or some horseshit. If I wanted to be on video tasing an unsuspecting elderly jaywalker, I’d leave my body cam on for once.”

Longtime “Cops” producer Peter Drubbens is also unhappy with the “lowbrow” footage emerging from recent protests.

“These damn BLM activists cost me a job. Tell me something: how is it that I could produce 31 seasons of footage of ‘police brutality’ and no one says a thing, but someone collects a few minutes of ‘Blair Witch Project’ quality footage, and suddenly they cancel the source of my livelihood?” questioned Drubbens. “And this new footage doesn’t even have any reggae, or my fancy editing tricks of making it look like the perp tripped or was about to pull a gun. Artistically, it’s very lacking.”

Longtime “Cops” viewer Erik Hauser remembered watching Ofc. Stewart quite fondly, and is sad to see the show go.

“That dude was a total boss the way he threw drunk chicks into the back of his cruiser. She couldn’t have weighed more than 110 lbs, so she really flew. Needless to say, Stewart is a real hero,” exclaimed Hauser. “It’s such a shame ‘Cops’ is gone. Now more than ever, we need heavily edited pro-cop propaganda. And selfishly, I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself now that I won’t have five hours of ‘Cops’ to watch every Saturday night.”

At press time, Ofc. Stewart is in talks to appear on the A&E prison reality show “60 Days In,” assuming he is convicted of assault.

Photo by Olga Enger / Shutterstock.com

Friend Celebrating Birthday at Home in Quarantine Still Manages to Start Drunken Fight and Lose Shoe

Posted on by Sari Beliak

MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Local woman Frankie Landis exceeded all her previous birthday expectations by somehow still managing to start a drunken fight and lose her shoe while celebrating alone in quarantine last night, baffled sources reported.

“With most of the local bars still shut down and enforcing social distancing, I wasn’t looking forward to spending my 30th at home,” said a hungover Landis. “We usually go pretty hard when we go out, but I didn’t want the quarantine to ruin the party, so we held a small gathering over Zoom. Based on the texts I’ve been getting this morning asking if I’m alright, it sounds like I had a pretty good time.”

Candace Ruiz, Landis’ friend and roommate who helped plan the virtual celebration, reported that things took a turn for the worse fairly early in the evening.

“I knew she was bummed out about not having a big party for her birthday, so I wanted it to be special — which it was, until the shrooms kicked in,” said Ruiz. “I figured we’d play a couple drinking games over Zoom, have some food delivered, and watch movies, but Frankie was belligerent before her pad thai even arrived. You’d think that since she can’t leave her apartment, she might be able to stay out of trouble, but things got really out of hand when she threw her shoe at our downstairs neighbor who asked us to keep it down. Also, how did she get mushrooms right now?”

Experts claim that birthday celebrations happening during shelter-in-place orders have been getting increasingly out of hand.

“As people are getting bored and stir-crazy, we’re seeing more people getting absolutely obliterated at home on their birthdays,” said psychologist Dr. Este Granger. “Initially we thought that with the lockdowns, folks might take the opportunity to keep it low-key, but over the last few months we’re seeing birthday boys and girls of all ages punching holes in their walls, fighting their neighbors, and drunkenly calling their exes over Zoom — all in the name of enjoying their birthday.”

Dr. Granger added that the wild parties are likely to remain until it’s safe for people to gather in public. “And then watch out,” she said, “because it’s gonna be fucking on.”

We Should Move the Confederate Statues Into a Museum and Then Burn That Museum to the Ground

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

During the past couple of weeks, the national conversation has included discussion of proper ways of displaying confederate statues. There have been multiple cases of monuments being defaced, vandalized, or even torn down by protestors. We believe that these actions are counterproductive and unbefitting of these controversial, though historical, relics. We propose the best course of action is to move these symbols of a bygone era into an educational environment such as a museum so they can be presented in the proper context. That context being a smoldering pile of cinders once we burn that fucker to the ground.

Even though the statues of confederate generals and soldiers weren’t necessarily constructed during the Civil War era, they are a part of our collective heritage and we can’t deny our past. But thankfully our collective heritage also includes ancestors who fought against this shit and wouldn’t have a problem with taking a museum full of these dixie traitors and covering that bitch with turpentine and tossing in a lit cloth rag.

Don’t tread on us.

These statues might make some uncomfortable, especially if you’re pulling them with your back using flimsy ropes. However, they have been around for decades and have become a fixture in many communities so it’s important to be very careful and sensitive when ripping them down and melting them into a puddle of bronze goo. This will ensure that future generations will understand the full scope of the Confederacy’s actions and beliefs, in the sense they were a group of lazy, selfish losers and deserve to be tossed into the literal ash heap of history.

Now maybe you might worry about the precedent this will set. Are we going to take down historical statues of all those who supported slavery, such as Washington and Jefferson? Are we going to put them in a building made of highly flammable materials and watch the unforgiving rage of fire consume it? And to that I say: Sure! Why not? There will be plenty of space in the burning building for their slave-owning asses. And, yes, Washington and Jefferson did play a role in the foundation of a country that allows the freedom to call anyone out on their shit, no matter how powerful they are, and for that, they should be granted some recognition. After the fire insurance comes through we can make them a plaque and hang it in our museum’s “Important Racists of History” wing.

Man Misses Protest After Spending Too Much Time Trying to Come Up With Funny Sign

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local protester John Reid reportedly missed a number of anti-police protests over the last few weeks, thanks to spending too much time trying to come up with a funny sign.

“Yeah… I want to support Black Lives Matter, but I can’t just show up with some lame sign that won’t get mentioned in a ‘Best of the Protest’ Buzzfeed list or something,” Reid said, surrounded by pieces of cardboard with scribbled out slogans. “We all have to contribute to the cause in any way that we can, and as a white guy, my way of contributing is through hilarious pop culture references. I was so close to coming up with this brilliant slogan that was like, ‘Being a police officer is like having a tiny penis,’ but then I saw some other piece of shit beat me to it.”

“Hopefully I eventually make it out there to a protest,” Reid continued, “but I won’t until I’m ready.”

Reid’s roommate Kaitlyn Byrd is helping him come up with a good sign, even though she claims she’s “not political.”

“I’m not one for protests, but I love arts and crafts,” Byrd explained. “We have a big corkboard on our wall with just a bunch of ideas right now — pop culture characters like Robocop, little phrases and meme words like, ‘Lit,’ you know? I’m excited to see how we can piece it together! It’s just annoying, because sometimes it’s really hard to think with all the noise outside, what with all the marching going down the block, and those damn police helicopters overhead, those flying bastards. Wait… holy shit. Is that something!?”

Black Lives Matter New York released a statement as an organization, urging protesters to stop trying to make fun signs.

“There are so many protests in New York that you can’t walk outside for more than 20 minutes without accidentally bumping into one. Just go outside and demand change and help dismantle the white supremacist systems already,” the statement read. “Don’t make the protests about yourself. We already have very effective slogans, like ‘defund the police’ — it’s simple and to the point and there’s no way that everyone will read that and completely misinterpret to mean something stupid, like ‘reform the police.’”

In related news, New York City mayor Bill De Blasio was allegedly so moved by a sign he saw at the Barclays Center that read, “Call the police? No thanks I think I’ll call the fucking Ghostbusters,” that he is already making plans to cut the NYPD budget by $5 billion.

My List of 45 Things a Gay Character Needs In Order for Me to Think They’re Necessary

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Thanks to the virtue signaling politics of Hollywood, it seems that gays in modern media are harder to avoid than ever. Just last week, I had to explain alternative lifestyles to my sweet, young 16-year-old son because of Sense8. Now I have nothing against the gays, but having not met more than three in my 50 years of life, I’m led to assume there can’t be as many as these TV shows are implying. 

To help you Hollywood writers, I’ve developed a concise list to check and make sure it’s actually necessary to the plot for your character to be a gay. If it’s not relevant at all times — why include it? If your character does not meet these conditions, simply replace them with a normal person to maintain realism.

  1. They must not mention they are gay, and instead the audience infers from their high voice and brightly colored shirts.
  2. They must be from New York, like all gay people are.
  3. They should set up a funny moment where they react by saying “Oh my goodness” in a silly voice.
  4. They should act as someone who can relate to the female character, to prevent adding too many chicks into the story.
  5. They must flirt with the main character only once, emphasizing how manly and desirable they are.
  6. Their plot must revolve around how difficult it is to be gay, which my son needs to see.
  7. If it’s based on a true story, the character must be gay in real life to the extent that people are going to notice if you gloss over it.
  8. They should only refer to their sexuality in terms of “teams” to set up sports analogies for fathers in the audience.
  9. They must not be born before 1970, when gay people first started appearing in America.
  10.  They should explain what a “top” and a “bottom” is, so I can understand what the hell my daughter is talking about on Facebook.
  11.  The gayness should be the result of outlandish circumstances, like a mummy’s curse.
  12.  They should be able to hide weapons such as baseball bats down their throat.
  13.  They must participate in a dance competition so the main character does not have to stoop to such feminine behavior.
  14.  If the character is female, make sure she is only bisexual as to validate the fantasies of the audience.
  15.  It should be implied that they at least TRIED to be straight.
  16.  They must be able to help the main character by tracking a missing man’s scent like a bloodhound.
  17.  They should possess large amounts of glitter that they use to gunk up machines.
  18.  They should always be less than five feet tall, to prevent them from physically overtaking the scene they’re in.
  19.  Their knowledge of drag makeup should allow them to craft the ultimate disguise.
  20.  They must wear a cross around their neck, so we at least don’t lose the kids on that front.
  21.  They must be able to mix a complicated fruity drink that can chemically act as a bomb which can blast through walls.
  22.  They must have a little white dog that is kidnapped to drive the plot forward.
  23. They must use a mesh top as a makeshift net weapon like an ancient Roman retiarius.
  24. The character’s gayness must allow them to discern between a big dick and a gun in someone’s pants. 
  25. They must be able to take their large collection of pins and jewelry and melt it before forging it into powerful armor for the main character.
  26. They should have a strong, developed ass that serves as protection from the powerful kicks of a martial artist.
  27. They should be the only one able to solve a mystery based on Golden Girls references.
  28. They should have advanced knowledge of astrology that allows them to predict the hero’s future and guide them.
  29. They must have been haunted by a lady ghost as a child and are scared of women despite how sexy they are.
  30. They should not drive, something I think should also be adapted into U.S federal law.
  31. They must use a magic rainbow to quickly fly the cast from place to place.
  32. Any romantic interest they have should be communicated exclusively through longing looks that could be construed as platonic fondness.
  33. They should stop the movie for at least five minutes to speak directly to any children watching the film, telling them there’s no way of knowing you’re gay before turning 18.
  34. They should help the main character escape pursuers by leading them through a pride parade before ultimately using a float as an escape vehicle.
  35. They should be able to hold their breath for up to 30 minutes, making them able to dive for sunken treasures.
  36. They must have a lot of trauma, which again I think would just be good for my son to see.
  37. Their character arc should be resolved by them singlehandedly curing AIDS.
  38. They should be able to mind-link with other gays as a means to perform surveillance throughout the city.
  39. Being gay should prevent them from being charmed by the sexy villainess.  
  40. They must be hyper-talented at one or more sports to “prove something” to their father.
  41. They must call Ellen to ask for a “favor” in the third act.
  42. They should enlist patrons from their local gay bar to form a makeshift militia.    
  43. They must own a quaint little bakery which doubles a hideout for the main character.
  44. They should possess the ability to teleport between any two closets.
  45. My daughter says any lesbians should have their nails cut, and I’m all in favor of encouraging good hygiene too.

 While this list is somewhat short, I wanted to be lenient as a way to show my support of the gay community. If we are to coexist and share media, it is only natural that we compromise. While I may not watch any of these shows with gay characters in them, I do hope that this list makes a difference.

Doug Bowser Brings His Eight Horrible Children to Work With Him

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — A miscommunication involving daycare arrangements has forced Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser to bring his astonishingly misbehaved children to work with him, exhausted sources have confirmed.

“I understand that these things happen and that we’re all doing our best to deal with things right now,” said Matthew Morgan, a security officer at Nintendo of America. “But these kids are terrible! They all split up and just held court over different parts of the building and terrorized anyone that came their way. They’re barely up to my knee but somehow by the end of the day we were all doing anything they said. It’s been a nightmare!” 

The eight children, a mixture of boys and girls and all of them between the ages of 8-13, reportedly aren’t actually biological offspring of Bowser’s, but rather a series of foster children he’s been mentoring in hopes of turning them around. 

“I don’t care if they’re not actually his kids or not,” said Angie King, another employee of Nintendo. “What I do care about is that a radical child named Roy with sunglasses and spiked bracelets microwaved a bunch of nickels and threw them at me while I was trying to work. I have permanent nickel burn and these children must be stopped.”

Bowser reportedly felt some reports of his children’s misbehavior were being over exaggerated. 

“They can get a little wild, sure, but that’s kids for you,” he said after hearing reports of Ludwig von Bowser using his magic wand to turn the patrons of the cafeteria into piranha plants. “A lot of these kids have had tough backgrounds, so I tend to not rein them in and just let them be kids, gosh darn it.” 

As of press time, the Nintendo headquarters was engulfed in flames and rumors continued to circulate that Wendy O. Koopa was going to soon be named to a prominent executive position within the company. 

Sony Clarifies That ‘Spider-Man: Miles Morales’ Is a Separate, But Equal Game

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Following fan confusion over whether or not Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a standalone game, Sony executives scrambled to explain that the new PS5 title would be a separate, but equal experience.

“Look, we’re not saying that Spider-Man: Miles Morales is less important than the first game, not at all!” PlayStation Worldwide Studios head Herman Hulst nervously explained. “It’s totally it’s own game, but not necessarily a full game. It’s just different, you know what I mean? It gets its own little spot on the PlayStation menu.”

In an attempt to do damage control, Sony released a ‘Parker v. Morales’ doctrine outlining the differences between the original Spider-Man game and Miles Morales. Unfortunately, the studio had to walk back the document’s claim that the spin-off would not integrate with the original game.

“Maybe we’re not explaining this clearly enough,” a visibly exhausted Jim Ryan, CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment clarified. “We’re treating Spider-Man: Miles Morales the same way we’d treat our other releases. We just think that ALL our games matter. Fuck, wait, let me try that again.”

While Sony promises a game that is completely comparable to its predecessor in quality, reports suggest otherwise. One rumor speculated that the game would be locked at 20 FPS and would not support 4K. Another report claimed that Sony wouldn’t be releasing the game physically, as not to potentially harm the Playstation 5’s disc drive.

“I don’t want this debacle to distract from what’s important here,” vented Insomniac Games CEO Ted Price. “We’re proud to represent marginalized communities with this game. I think it’s incredible that our team is brave enough to show fans what it’s like to play as a cop.”

At press time, Sony assured fans that despite any differences between the two Spider-Man games, they were sure fans would find exactly the same amount of issues with the graphical quality of the puddles.

Pussy-Ass Doctor Wears Mask During Surgery

Posted on by Cory Cousins

DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons, is actually a “total pussy” and wore a mask during routine surgeries he led all last week.

“All sorts of people are giving me a hard time because of the mask. I’ve been a doctor for 17 years — I’ve always worn a mask when I do surgeries,” said the local surgeon and unpatriotic wimp. “I wear a mask to maintain a sterile field on the operating table and ensure the patient remains free from infection. I’m not trying to make a statement here. Jesus. Why is everyone so goddamn stupid? Fuck me.”

One patient, about to undergo a lengthy spinal fusion operation, was particularly unimpressed.

“You place so much trust in your doctor, and right before you go under the knife, you discover that your life is in the hands of some mask-wearing Democrat sissy?” lamented the injured and self-described “conservative lib-slayer patriot” Trent Freeman. “I’m outta here. Had I known Dr. Alder was part of the brainwashed lamestream media sheeple herd, I never would’ve stepped into his office — he hates freedom, and therefore America. I don’t need this surgery anyway. I was doing just fine on disability, taking Percocet and drinking Wild Turkey.”

Local scientist and mask enthusiast Hans von Helmholtz noted that, while facial coverings work and data proves it, there is still resistance to wearing them thanks to America’s “macho” attitude.

“Our most recent samples show a lot of people think they are immune to contracting deadly diseases if they constantly say they aren’t afraid of it,” lamented von Helmholtz. “Masks had a very good reputation until now, ranging in use from underwater snorkeling excursions to invitation-only sex soirees. But when it comes to public health and sanitation, masks only further the stereotype that we in the scientific community are a bunch of yellow-bellied, limpdick cream puffs. I don’t know about you, but my ego can’t take that sort of sophomoric slander.”

Dr. Alder was last seen in his car, predictably clicking his seatbelt in place like some panicky chicken-shit loser.

Opinion: I Still Like Killswitch Engage?!

Posted on by Zach Russell

As I finally finish putting my one-year-old son to bed, I retire to the porch to smoke tobacco from a long pipe. I ponder war, the economy, and other age-appropriate issues. I unlock my phone and shuffle the library I’ve been curating since the day I discovered the FLAC format.

Let’s see here. “Sunbather” by Deafheaven. Not in the mood. Skip.

“Ex’s and Oh’s” by Atreyu. This makes me shudder. What did I ever like about this stuff? Next.

“My Curse” – Killswitch Engage. Oh God. Haven’t heard this in years but I bet I can skip it. Whatever. Maybe I’ll skim this article about oil futures as this song plays in the background. “Crude futures rallied Monday to post their highest settlement in more than two months…” Interesting.

Fuck, is my head nodding to the beat? No, it must be the wind.

“Pent-up demand and a historic production cutback is unleashing economic optimism (We’re longing!)”

Woah, decent riff alert. Well played, KsE.

“CLN20 climbed 7.2% to finish the session (We’re yearning!)”

Wait, what the fuck? Do I STILL like Killswitch Engage? I’m an oilman and a father, for Christ’s sake.

“WTI has seen a rally as shorts in the market (We’re waiting!)”

Howard Jones, you angel of a man. Croon-screaming your way into my heart. Some say your singing sounds strained but I know it’s just how you show your passion. And that guitar tone! Crunchy like a fried pretzel covered in glass.

Fuck it, I fucking love this band! But why? WHY!? They’re commercial 00’s metalcore. Their most-played song is a Dio cover! Do I still like Lunchables? My mother’s breast milk? Shadows Fall? Have I just been pretending Misery Signals is better than The Switch even though Adam Dutkiewicz is to metalcore what Johannes Gutenberg was to the Protestant Reformation: EVERYTHING.

Oh, next song’s starting. “The End of Heartache.” This is my SHIT right here. “SEEEEK MAYYYY. CALLLL MAYYY. I’LL BE WAAAA-IIITTING.” Fuck, my kid’s up and crying. It’s okay, buddy! Daddy’s just working through some stuff!

Just because I discovered them through Guitar Hero 3 doesn’t mean they’re not quality musicians. That’s what I’ll say if anyone asks. People get nostalgia, right? I mean, it’s not like I stand behind any of their new shit off Atonement.

At least not the singles. Those deep cuts slap though.

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