Woman Figures Reading Descriptions of Self-Help Books Good Enough

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

WICHITA, Kan. — Local hopeful woman Alex Ginelli spent her free time yesterday attempting to better herself by reading descriptions of $2 self-help books on Amazon, annoyed sources confirm.

“I decided I wanted to fix my abandonment issues so people will stop leaving me,” said Ginelli. “So I took a few minutes to look into the lowest price self-help books I could download on Kindle. But then I noticed all of the book’s descriptions said it’s possible to overcome childhood trauma, which gave me enough hope that I can probably change someday. And skimming the descriptions of 10 self-help books is probably equivalent to reading one whole book, right?”

However, close friend Jennifer Varga admitted she is fed up with comforting Ginelli for hours each day because of her inability to heal her deep rooted issues.

“She always complains that she’s ‘going through something right now,’ and then the next day tells me about how she learned to love herself through reading descriptions of Chakra healing books while she was White Claw wasted,” said Varga. “I just wish she’d suck up the $50 copay to see a therapist instead of living through the book’s rave reviews clearly written by the writer on fake accounts. She doesn’t even cheat with the Q & A’s on Goodreads.”

Self-published author and alleged spiritual healer Sam Goodman appreciates Ginelli’s intention to help herself.

“I admire anyone who peruses the synopses of Kindle books to improve themselves, especially when they pretend that it changed their lives and then their friends buy it,” she said. “I’m thankful that key phrases like ‘START LIVING’ and ‘LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF’ in the description of my book, ‘Find Clarity and Tranquility in a Toxic World,’ have momentarily helped people too lazy to read 250 pages of bullshit.”

At press time, anti-anxiety supplements have now sat in Ginelli’s Amazon cart for almost three weeks, though she’s assured all of her friends she’s had several mental health breakthroughs after reading and reposting dozens of inspirational memes on Instagram.

Why Should I Pay to See a Therapist When I Can Just Start a Podcast About My Childhood Trauma?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Look at all you suckers, shelling out over a hundred dollars for forty-five minutes with some “expert” to help deal with your issues. Not me, baby! I found a way to actually make money with my problems. Did a therapist come up with the idea to discuss my father’s alcoholism while thousands of strangers listen on their commutes? Nope. They recommended a combined approach of graded exposure and dialectical behavioral therapy but I didn’t stick around to learn what that meant. Let’s get PODding, my dude!

Podcast listeners want to hear reality and that is exactly what I give them. Why should I pay one person to hear my darkest secrets when advertisers will pay me to tell those secrets to the world? Say what you will about capitalism, but it’s not a bad psychologist.

There is nothing more mentally revitalizing than airing my family’s dirty laundry in between ads for stamps and erectile dysfunction medication. I leave my recording studio/walk-in-closet after every episode feeling completely rejuvenated knowing that I let everyone know my grandparents are swingers. Sorry, they were swingers. They’re not dead or anything, they’re just super old and gross now.

Sure, my mother calls me in tears after every episode but harming others is a small price to pay for self-healing. I’m really not telling my listeners anything all that salacious. That’s behind the Patreon paywall. I would never discuss how my foot fetish ruined my marriage for less than 5 dollars a month.

You can keep your CBT, EDMR, DBT, and MBT. The only three-letter word I need is POD.

Nation’s Thugs and Animals Demand to Stop Being Compared to Police Officers

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Violent criminals and feral animals from across the country gathered in New York yesterday to protest America’s unfair comparison of their ilk to law enforcement officials.

“This malignment of our demographic is unjust, unfounded, and unmitigated,” said Eddie “Blood Shank” Rivers, a well-respected and feared member of the thug community while addressing the press. “The violent acts we commit against people are purely for survival. If your neck ever winds up under my knee, it’s only because I need your money so I can buy enough drugs to keep me from getting fucking sick. It’s not personal, and it certainly has nothing to do with race… it’s just that the whole system is built to push me towards violent crime.”

Rivers allowed the ensuing cheers to die down before adding, “Now give me your fucking money!”

Despite historically being disorganized and separate groups, the thugs and animals in attendance demonstrated clear focus and solidarity.

“What the hell do I care about race? I’m not even part of the same species as you fuckers!” said Brown Claw, a visibly agitated bear from the woods of Upstate New York. “I kill people when they wander into my woods — not when they’re walking down the goddamned street! And I only kill them if they get too close to my offspring, not to express my prejudice and rage or feel powerful. And when a bear does kill a human, it’s not like we have a whole cartel of bears set up to protect that bear from legal ramifications — we don’t have that bear turn in his bear badge and his claws for a few weeks while we send them off on paid leave, just to send them to another forest to kill more people!”

Brown Claw added, “Now give me your fucking honey!”

Although technically both groups want the same thing, NYPD officials were infuriated by both animal and thug protester alike, claiming the demonstration only furthers vilification of police officers.

“Some of these protesters are literally sub-human! They should be honored to be compared to us, not ashamed,” said NYPD Union President Mike O’Meara. “I would love to personally kiss every cop I’ve ever met right on the lips. Because those lips are soft, tender, and some of the bravest lips on the planet.”

O’Meara waited for the booing to subside before adding, “Now give me your fucking taxes!”

We Apologize For Publishing Darkseid’s Anti-Life Equation

Posted on by Dennard Dayle

We hear you. 

This is a fragile point in history, where every voice matters. Particularly when those voices are screaming in pain from the anti-life equation. Publishing Darkseid’s literal attack on our right to exist was an unconscionable mistake, and the surviving editors of Hard Drive will strive to do better in the future.

Mr. Uxas’ guest column, laconically titled “Kneel,” consisted entirely of the anti-life equation. Said equation met with strong criticism from the public at large, our staff, and multiple members of the Justice League. Several Hard Drive writers resigned on Twitter, posting videos shouting “Die for Darkseid,” shortly before dying for Darkseid. Others grabbed the nearest edged object, and made several others die for Darkseid before turning on each other.

Naturally, the staff and ownership of Hard Drive don’t encourage anyone to die for Darkseid; we encourage conversation. As the current and eternal ruler of the dread planet-fortress Apokalips, Darkseid is a public figure of note. While we pointedly disagree with cosmic genocide, we considered his perspective on the fabrege egg we call life newsworthy. Now it’s clear that no conversation can take place after cutting out your own tongue.

We’ve removed Darkseid’s editorial, at great human cost. Our Opinion editor caught a glimpse of the equation as he deleted the page, snuffing the flame of his mortal soul and replacing it with loyalty to Darkseid. We’ve encouraged him to resign, and hope he’ll take the steps necessary for our institution and nation to heal. As things stand, he’s barricaded himself in his office to await his master’s return.

Since the column’s removal, Apokolips loyalists have characterized Hard Drive as a pro-survival echo chamber. The Lord of Apokolips himself described us as “Worms to be dealt with in time.” Debate is a core Hard Drive value. We’re not just a Justice Society sounding board. We’ve proudly run editorials by LexCorp representatives, kryptonite-powered androids, and both halves of Two-Face. But some things are sacred. Namely, maintaining enough free will to make editorial choices.

This isn’t our only recent controversy. We faced similar backlash to a column by noted environmental activist and supervillain Pamela “Poison Ivy” Isley. The column “Kill All People and Replace them with Plants” was taken as tacit support for killing all people and replacing them with plants. Nothing could be further from the truth. We support the continued survival of all people, preferably alongside plants. The same goes for Parademons, the winged enforcers of Darkseid’s will currently besieging the Earth.

We’re dedicating our remaining sanity to overhauling Hard Drive’s editorial review process. If a piece incites bigotry, state violence, or falling to our knees as blood pours freely from our mouths, we simply will not print it. We owe that to our readers and ourselves.

Furthermore, we politely request that Superman stop punching us.

Despised Animal Crossing Villager Can’t Afford to Move Away

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

DESERTED ISLAND — Local Animal Crossing villager Ursala has been forced to continue receiving daily harassment on the deserted island she inhabits due to her poor financial situation preventing her from moving away. 

“I just got here a few weeks ago and I’m still three years away from paying off the 159,000 bell loan I took out to move,” said Ursala, climbing over large stacks of fish tanks that had been placed around her home the previous night to trap her inside. “I don’t like constantly getting hit on the head with a bug net, but at this point, it’s my only financially sound option.”

Ursala mentioned that the harassment started 2 weeks after moving to the still-growing deserted island when the island’s Resident Representative began to take their frustrations out on her.

“Darryl invited me to come here, and he made it sound really nice, so I don’t understand why he started complaining about my behavior and appearance to Isabelle every day,” Ursala said, “One time he dug holes around me while I was trying to walk to Nook’s Cranny to sell turnips. The last of my savings have literally gone rotten, groomph.”

Despite the harassment only coming from one villager, the islands’ other denizens have remained notably silent about the issue.

“I feel bad for Ursala, but I don’t wanna get on Darryl’s bad side either, snuffle,” said Agnes, another villager who had distracted herself from the turn of events by working on DIY projects inside her home. “I’m just gonna stick to talking about how much I love napping whenever she tries to strike up a conversation with me. She really seems to respond to that.”

Desperate to escape, Ursala was forced to ask for loan forgiveness from Tom Nook, the entrepreneur behind the Nook Getaway package utilized by all newcomers. Ultimately, her request was denied.

“Yes. Yes. It’s a shame that some of our villagers are being harassed like that,” Nook said “But I don’t think it’s my responsibility to provide charity for villagers who suck at making small talk with Darryl, hm?”

At press time, Ursala was reportedly sitting idly by the side of the river, staring at a fish swimming by and imagining how nice it would be to switch places with it.

Revised‌ ‌Food‌ ‌Pyramid‌ ‌to‌ ‌Include‌ ‌Feelings‌

Posted on by Tyler Dark

Members of the World Health Organization announced last Friday that the iconic Food Pyramid will be revised to include ‘feelings’ as a basic food group. This determination was reached after a panel of nutritionists with the USDA presented data illustrating an increase in the consumption of emotions worldwide.

“An honest summary of the human diet is incomplete without accounting for those portions of the day dedicated to the consumption of boredom, self-pity, and hopelessness,” panelist Stewart Janis said with his mouth full, staring longingly at a photograph of his ex-wife. “This new category will better represent those of us with emotional needs as well as nutritional.”

Unlike the other food groups, items in the ‘feelings’ category will vary depending on an individual’s likes, dislikes, and habits. Foods consumed minutes before bed, or during a marathon of This Is Us, are examples of what might count as a serving of feelings.

“I see this as a major step forward in the field of nutritional science,” claimed Glenda Barnsworth, Professor of Dietary Science at the University of Nebraska. “Eating an entire pizza at noon used to be this many servings of bread, that many servings of cheese, but now it’s just a half-serving of feelings! The food groups just became a lot more fun for people who are wallowing in their own mental filth.”

Restaurants have been updating their menu items to reflect the recent change, Bloomin’ Brands, Inc., parent company of Outback Steakhouse, was among the first to do so.

“We’re all getting used to the adjustment,” said Eugene Waller, kitchen manager at an Outback Steakhouse location in St. Louis. “The Bloomin’ Onion isn’t selling any less now that it’s called Fried Feelings with Sad Sauce, and Cheesy Regret Tubes still taste like Kid’s Mac, so I don’t see it hurting our business.”

Now that ‘feelings’ is recognized as an official food group, health experts recommend limiting consumption to five servings a day, unless it was a really, really bad day.

World’s Youngest Pennywise Fan Turns 40

Posted on by Kevin Tit

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Local man Nate Mullins, a self-described “punker” and the world’s youngest Pennywise fan, turned 40 years old earlier this week, sources working at local VANS outlet store confirm.

“I’m the last of a dying breed,” said Mullins as he trimmed his goatee into an empty two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew with the top cut off. “Things have changed so much. You wouldn’t believe how often people mistake me for some Blue Lives Matter, right-wing gun nut when I’m the polar opposite. Pennywise has always spoken against violence and oppression and society is too focused on our wallet chains and Oakley sunglasses to remember that. Today’s my day, though. Nobody’s getting in my way. I’m gonna drink milk out the cartoon and I don’t care how pissed my dad gets. FUCK AUTHORITY!”

Friends and fellow Pennywise fans closest to Mullins held a barbecue to help him celebrate.

“Well, none of us are as young as we used to be but we really wanted to help Nate celebrate. I wanted to look good today so I wore my best pair of Globe shoes,” said 68-year-old punk Shaun McMahon. “There’s nothing like a little ‘Bro Hymn’ karaoke to send the mind back to watching the band play over the hot concrete parking lot at Warped Tour ‘96. He was having so much fun. We took countless pictures flipping off the camera.”

Harry Hypothesis, a world-renowned punk scientist, admits he is concerned about Pennywise’s rapidly aging fan base.

“There hasn’t been a new Pennywise fan born in the last four decades,” the scholar stressed. “The specific type of so-cal punk culture the band cultivated could very well die out with Mr. Mullins and that is very troublesome. Despite popular belief, Pennywise inspired a mainstream generation of kids to do cool shit like skateboard through schools, question the police, and helped put Dickies on the map. Our biggest concern is losing the ancient art of the circle pit. As far as we know, if there isn’t another Pennywise fan born into this world to carry the tradition, it could be lost forever.”

At press time, Nate was seen at a record shop making a fuss over the Parental Advisory sticker on a Black Flag album.

We Interviewed the Hives Who Really Should Have Told Us They Were Actually the Vines

Posted on by John Danek

Early 2000s indie was a unique time- we all thought that quirky guitar riffs, danceable drum beats, and iPod commercials featuring happy-go-lucky dipshit silhouettes would be a part of music forever. Yet these sounds already generate nostalgia for a specific time and place. And few bands capture that zeitgeist more than The Hives.

We sat down with the indie rock behemoths to look back on their music, the scene, and the future of indie.

THE HARD TIMES: Before we even get started, I just wanted to let you guys know that I lost my virginity to my college girlfriend while listening to you.
THE HIVES: Oh, ha haha! Actually, that’s not the first time we’ve heard that. Glad to be a part of a big milestone like that!
Yeah, it was to that song “Walk Idiot Walk.” I barely lasted until the end of the first chorus.
Umm, that wasn’t us.
No, I know, I was just super horny.
No, we didn’t do that song. 
What?
THE HIVES THE VINES: That was by our friends in The Hives. We’re The Vines.
Well what the fuck? Why didn’t you say something earlier? I didn’t like you guys nearly as much as I liked The Hives.
Why is it our responsibility to make sure you know who we are? You’re the music journalist here.
Fine, whatever. Let’s just keep going with the interview. So do you have any memories of touring with The Hives?
Are you seriously just going to ask us questions about The Hives? If that’s all you care about then why are we even continuing this interview?
My editor is an asshole and I fucked up too many times. If I don’t turn in an interview I could lose my job! Please, help me out. I mean you sort of owe me after the whole ‘not being The Hives’ thing.
We don’t owe shit pal! But… getting fired sucks. Ok, ask us a few questions. 
You guys rock! Ok so I’m looking at your Spotify and you don’t have as many streams as The Hives. Would you say that is an objective metric that says they’re better than you?
Ok, fuck you- we’re leaving. This interview is over.
Oh shit, wait- you guys did that song “Get Free”? That song fucking slaps!
Goodbye
I lasted all the way to the bridge on that one. Guys?

Democrats Propose Sweeping Legislation to End the Good Night Forehead Kisses They Give Police Officers Every Night

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Democrats have proposed historic legislation that would end the traditional “goodnight kiss” they previously gave all cops right after tucking them into bed every night, surprised sources confirmed.

“It pains me to say this because of how much I like doing ‘em, but we must end the forehead kisses,” said former Vice President and Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden. “We also need to start waving our fingers ‘no’ at any police officer who murders an unarmed civilian, and encourage officers to shoot people only three or four times, as opposed to six or more. Police officers who break these laws will face prosecution and, if found guilty, may be forced to stand in the corner of the police department building for a maximum of 15 minutes.”

According to new polling, voters identifying as Democrats were very likely to support the bill.

“I’m so happy our elected officials are finally putting their foot down and saying, ‘enough is enough,’” said Margaret Whittle, 68, a voter from Massachusetts. “I’m so tired from all this protesting — especially the one that keeps going past my home. I don’t know why they are all being so loud. I voted for Obama; that should be enough for them. I’m so happy that, once they pass this legislation, we can all just exhale and put police brutality behind us.”

Despite widespread support, many police officers are fighting to keep their kisses.

“Pardon my language, but this is absolute fucking bullshit. It fucking sucks,” said Los Angeles Police Chief Michel Moore while stomping his feet and throwing his gun on the ground. “As police officers, we spend every single day of our lives in constant fear that we’re going to get murdered by a marauding gang of criminals. If there’s one thing — one thing — that protects us from these hellish nightmare thugs, it’s the politicians that give us a nice little peck and whisper, ‘I love you’ right before we doze off and dream of chasing down non-violent drug offenders and beating them senseless.”

“In the ‘90s after Rodney King, we were forced to give up the bedtime stories that the governor read us each night, and we saw crime rise by a billion percent,” he continued. “I refuse to let that happen again.”

At press time, despite no opposition from Republicans, Democrats agreed to compromise on their legislation and proposed decreasing to just one goodnight kiss for police officers every other day during the week, as well as once on Saturday and Sunday each.

Photo by Glenn Fawcett

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Minesweeper, Tonight We Riot, and Plants Vs Zombies?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

If you find yourself “disgusted” by the riots happening in America over racial injustice, wait until you hear about the My Lai Massacre! That’s when US soldiers killed somewhere between 350 and 500 Vietnamese civilians. These troops probably saw themselves as the “good guys,” in the same way that players see themselves as the hero as they gun down thousands of people in Uncharted. So let’s once again stare evil in its face and find out which video games allow us to violate unspeakable war crimes.

This desktop classic asks players to navigate their way through a perilous minefield or die trying. Considering the circumstances, it’s no stretch to say that the player is a prisoner in this experience considering that they are actively trying to escape alive. Thus, the game itself violates article 52 of the 3rd Geneva Convention, which prohibits subjecting prisoners to dangerous labor and specifies “The removal of mines or similar devices shall be considered as dangerous labour.” That’s right, you are the victim and your old PC deserves jail time.

This violation is about as textbook as it gets. Simply put, Plants Vs. Zombies is an abomination when it comes to the Biological Weapons Convention. Employing the use of biological weaponry, no matter who your enemy is, violates basic war laws. It doesn’t matter if your enemy is ISIS or undead.

I want to talk about Mega Evolutions for a moment. The mechanic was a welcome addition to Pokemon combat, but it quickly disappeared from the series. Have you ever asked why? Well, it’s probably because it violates point 4 of the Nuremberg Code. This set of rules deals with medical experiments and says, “The experiment should be so conducted as to avoid all unnecessary physical and mental suffering and injury.” Judging by the description of Pokemon like Mega Aerodactyl, Mega Evolutions cause Pokemon severe pain. That means that you are essentially Hitler.

You can not violate the Geneva Conventions in Tonight We Riot. Why? Because you play as the people. Now sure, you may ask why that same rule doesn’t apply to any other game we discuss here. When you consider war crimes, you must also consider power dynamics. Who is the Occupying Power in Mario? Is it the weak Goombas who die when stepped on? Or the plumber who kills hundreds of turtles without batting an eye? Mussolini and Mario have more in common than their Italian heritage: they are both huge fascists. And it is ethical to fight facism.

While there are a ton of war rules to remember, there are also some notable ones missing. That creates a lot of loopholes that gamers can use to avoid breaking the law. For example, there is no rule that says you can not pause after you violate a war crime and then reload your game to your previous save. So if you want to be absolved of any guilt in a court of law, remember to save scum.

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