WICHITA, Kan. — Local hopeful woman Alex Ginelli spent her free time yesterday attempting to better herself by reading descriptions of $2 self-help books on Amazon, annoyed sources confirm.
“I decided I wanted to fix my abandonment issues so people will stop leaving me,” said Ginelli. “So I took a few minutes to look into the lowest price self-help books I could download on Kindle. But then I noticed all of the book’s descriptions said it’s possible to overcome childhood trauma, which gave me enough hope that I can probably change someday. And skimming the descriptions of 10 self-help books is probably equivalent to reading one whole book, right?”
However, close friend Jennifer Varga admitted she is fed up with comforting Ginelli for hours each day because of her inability to heal her deep rooted issues.
“She always complains that she’s ‘going through something right now,’ and then the next day tells me about how she learned to love herself through reading descriptions of Chakra healing books while she was White Claw wasted,” said Varga. “I just wish she’d suck up the $50 copay to see a therapist instead of living through the book’s rave reviews clearly written by the writer on fake accounts. She doesn’t even cheat with the Q & A’s on Goodreads.”
Self-published author and alleged spiritual healer Sam Goodman appreciates Ginelli’s intention to help herself.
“I admire anyone who peruses the synopses of Kindle books to improve themselves, especially when they pretend that it changed their lives and then their friends buy it,” she said. “I’m thankful that key phrases like ‘START LIVING’ and ‘LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF’ in the description of my book, ‘Find Clarity and Tranquility in a Toxic World,’ have momentarily helped people too lazy to read 250 pages of bullshit.”
At press time, anti-anxiety supplements have now sat in Ginelli’s Amazon cart for almost three weeks, though she’s assured all of her friends she’s had several mental health breakthroughs after reading and reposting dozens of inspirational memes on Instagram.