MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Local woman Frankie Landis exceeded all her previous birthday expectations by somehow still managing to start a drunken fight and lose her shoe while celebrating alone in quarantine last night, baffled sources reported.
“With most of the local bars still shut down and enforcing social distancing, I wasn’t looking forward to spending my 30th at home,” said a hungover Landis. “We usually go pretty hard when we go out, but I didn’t want the quarantine to ruin the party, so we held a small gathering over Zoom. Based on the texts I’ve been getting this morning asking if I’m alright, it sounds like I had a pretty good time.”
Candace Ruiz, Landis’ friend and roommate who helped plan the virtual celebration, reported that things took a turn for the worse fairly early in the evening.
“I knew she was bummed out about not having a big party for her birthday, so I wanted it to be special — which it was, until the shrooms kicked in,” said Ruiz. “I figured we’d play a couple drinking games over Zoom, have some food delivered, and watch movies, but Frankie was belligerent before her pad thai even arrived. You’d think that since she can’t leave her apartment, she might be able to stay out of trouble, but things got really out of hand when she threw her shoe at our downstairs neighbor who asked us to keep it down. Also, how did she get mushrooms right now?”
Experts claim that birthday celebrations happening during shelter-in-place orders have been getting increasingly out of hand.
“As people are getting bored and stir-crazy, we’re seeing more people getting absolutely obliterated at home on their birthdays,” said psychologist Dr. Este Granger. “Initially we thought that with the lockdowns, folks might take the opportunity to keep it low-key, but over the last few months we’re seeing birthday boys and girls of all ages punching holes in their walls, fighting their neighbors, and drunkenly calling their exes over Zoom — all in the name of enjoying their birthday.”
Dr. Granger added that the wild parties are likely to remain until it’s safe for people to gather in public. “And then watch out,” she said, “because it’s gonna be fucking on.”