Press "Enter" to skip to content

Trump Keeping Jobs in America by Ordering Military to Kill People Here Instead of Overseas

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bring jobs back home to the U.S., President Trump ordered soldiers enlisted in the military to kill American citizens last week rather than using their killing power overseas.

“America is going back to work, and nobody puts Americans back to work better than me, “ said Trump from his golf cart while sipping a Diet Coke. “I knew the jobs would come back — I’m naturally gifted at economics, even the experts are impressed. When economists asked me personally how we could save our jobs, the idea just came to me: there are going to be so many military jobs it will make your head spin. We’ll be stacking bodies hundreds of feet high, mark my words. I will be the greatest ‘jobs’ president God ever created.”

Clement Bel, a senior economist at a conservative think tank, backed Trump’s assertions.

“Sanctioned homicide might be up 100 percent, but this is 900,000 jobs that are back in the United States,” said Bel. “This move not only boosted job prospects, but also eliminated a lot of people who were filing for unemployment. The president is killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe it should be more like, ‘kill two citizens with one heavily armed military officer.’”

Some of the long-term unemployed were surprised but delighted.

“I thought Trump’s mantra to ‘Make America Great Again’ was just going to be another empty promise — like the return to family values, or the south rising again,” beamed Abner Finley, a former auto plant worker. “Trump is a man of his word, and he promised to keep our jobs from leaving the country. I personally can’t join our troops — I lost my fingers in the plant fire of ’95 — but my heart is there in every unwarranted use of military force.”

At press time, the soldiers who returned home for work were flashing peace signs over the bodies of conquered American citizens, and were reminding the American public to follow #workingfromhome2020 on social media to see their tax dollars in action.