Top 5 Black Site Prisons You Just Have to Be Disappeared to This Summer

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So, you’ve been scooped up off the street by Trump’s secret police and whisked away to an undisclosed location for interrogation and torture. You don’t want to have your habeas corpus suspended for just any old police station or military base. You want excitement, mystery, and bragging rights!

Check out these five places that will have everyone wondering, “Where did you go? We love you and we’re scared.”

Wright Patterson Air Force Base – Area 51 is old news. Where you really want to tell people you had your fingernails removed is Wright Patterson Air Force Base near Dayton, Ohio. Imagine, after you are dumped naked on a rural road, you can brag that you were held in the infamous “Hangar 18.”

Mount Weather – No one knows what the Department of Homeland Security does at this remote location in Virginia. Imagine the FOMO your friends and followers will have when you post Instagram stories of yourself getting waterboarded by the very men and women that waterboarded alleged terrorists. You might even get to meet America’s shadow government before your memory is wiped and you wake up in your own bed having no idea how you got there.

Cheyenne Mountain Complex – The vintage facility with mid-century charm is making a comeback. We recommend you get your testicles tased in it now before Vice does a piece on it and it becomes yet another literal tourist trap, which is exactly why North Korea isn’t on this list. This site was the inspiration for infamous Skynet headquarters in the film Terminator 3. After your release, be sure to check out Herkimer, The World’s Largest Beetle in nearby Colorado Springs!

HAARP Research Station – If you are lucky to have your hood removed before arrival, take in the breathtaking mountainous view in this remote Alaskan spy facility. Sure, this facility is known to have the ability to “weaponize” the weather, but it’ll be nothing but clear skies as you sit in your cell looking out the tiny slit of a window, forgotten by your captors and treated worse than an animal. Who knows, you just might want to change your name and live out the rest of your life in picturesque Gulkana, Alaska.

Abandoned Nekoma Pyramid Complex – This supposedly “abandoned” military base in North Dakota sure is a hotbed of activity for a place that was deactivated in the 1970s. This missile silo has miles and miles of underground tunnels for you to be dragged through as your constitutional rights are violated. It also happens to be only 40 miles from the Canadian border, where we recommend you take a few decades to unwind after your traumatizing ordeal.

Last-Minute “lol” Saves Text Dangerously Close to Being Sincere

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

HARRISBURG, Pa. — The last-minute addition of a “lol” in a text last night from 32-year-old Tom Jannuzi salvaged an otherwise genuine attempt at vulnerability and emotion, sources now adding emojis after every message “just to play it safe” confirm.

“I woke up to like, four messages from Tom in this group chat — they seemed pretty serious, but he capped it with an all-caps LOL, so I’m super relieved he doesn’t actually have a ‘drinking problem’ and doesn’t really ‘wonder if anyone would even notice if he wasn’t around anymore,’” said friend Missy Hill. “I’d have been too worried to enjoy trivia, let alone wings tonight, karaoke tomorrow, and that pub crawl we’re doing this weekend if that quick ‘lol’ afterwards hadn’t made it clear he was yanking our chains and that we shouldn’t read any further into that whole ‘I desperately need help’ thing.”

Hill was not alone, as other members of Jannuzi’s social circle also didn’t realize his texts often carried ominous undertones.

“I knew he was just messing around. He’s totally unflappable,” said Shawn Porter. “Like, most people would speak up if you missed an art show dedicated to their deceased grandma for happy hour. Tom, though, just said, ‘it’s cool’ and pounded shots with us afterwards until he got tased for trying to fight that cop. Then from the hospital, he texts, ‘Well at least I get to see what a real courtroom looks like’ with the crying-laughing face. What a prankster.”

This was not Jannuzi’s first time using minor, in-the-moment alterations to save similarly perilous messages.

“I remember when I almost demanded a client pay me on time for a commissioned logo,” the freelance graphic designer said. “Luckily, my hands reacted like lightning and put in, ‘If that’d be OK,’ a ‘ha,’ and four exclamation points before firing it off. Can you imagine if I came off as actually upset he still hadn’t paid me two months past some silly contractually stipulated deadline? I’d have felt like a real dick, and they might have thought I was an asshole, so I figure just burying everything until it bubbles over in self-destructive ways is always my best bet. Better safe than sorry.”

As of press time, however, sources in the group chat reportedly wondered “what Jannuzi’s deal was” after he ignored one member’s birthday party invite, only to ask her for a ride to rehab.

Cool! This Cute Little Kid Likes Stuff From the ‘80s Because His Dad Makes Him

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Aww! This adorable little boy loves retro ‘80s stuff because he’s a walking monument to his dad’s crippling nostalgia!

Even though he was born in 2016, Donatello (get it!?!?) still absolutely loves movies, cartoons, and just about everything else from the ‘80s. Why is this precious 8-year-old obsessed with disposable pop culture from over 30 years ago created to sell breakfast cereal and action figures? Because his dad makes him, silly!

“My favorite movies are ‘The Goonies’ and ‘Back to the Future,’” explained Donatello while futilely blowing on a Nintendo cartridge that hasn’t worked since 1991. “Well, technically those are the only movies I’ve ever seen. We watch them every Friday during Family Movie Night. Afterwards, my dad quizzes me for hours on the canonical backstory of the ThunderCats. And if I get every answer right, I even get to have a sip from his vintage collection of Hi-C Ecto Cooler boxes. It’s so fun! I guess.”

Sure, Donatello has trouble making friends at school since all of his peers are interested in things that didn’t exist in the ‘80s, like Minecraft, Pokémon, or TV shows with diverse cultural representation. But those kids’ parents are probably old, lame baby boomers or something. Not young, fun Gen X parents!

“I want my son to have the same carefree childhood I had,” Jason said while meticulously dusting his shelf of Hulkamania memorabilia. “Like, the exact same childhood. That’s the whole point of having kids, right? You get to live vicariously through them as they experience things you already experienced. That’s how it should be at least… I didn’t get such great parenting when I was Donatello’s age.”

“My dad never took an interest in my life when I was a kid, so now it’s my young son’s job to take an interest in my life when I was a kid.”

Young parents, unite! Let’s follow Jason’s example and create a new generation of ‘80s kids who love Pac-Man, have the hots for Ms. Pac-Man, and who only eat fruit when trapped in a digital maze.

It was Whitney Houston who once sang, “I believe the children are our future.” Well, that didn’t get her very far, now did it? Why let the children be our future when they can be our past? After all, if you wanted some “Fortnite”-playing, TikTok asshole, you could’ve just adopted.

Total Loser Wears Band’s Mask to Their Show

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AMITYVILLE, N.Y. — Local music fan Kyle Hartley was ridiculed at an outdoor Words Are Wind show yesterday for wearing the band’s COVID-19 mask he purchased on their website last week, multiple show attendees who mocked the man confirmed.

“I just wanted to support the band I like — I didn’t know there was some unwritten ‘mask rule.’ [Dr. Anthony] Fauci hasn’t said a single word about this,” Hartley explained, his cloth Words Are Wind mask soaking up his poser tears. “Now everyone’s telling me that you have to wear the mask of an adjacent band, or some old school band. But most people here just cut up their patched denim jacket to make their mask, and it looks incredibly uncomfortable.”

Words Are Wind frontman Frank Ray published a lengthy essay on Medium to weigh in after the story went viral.

“Look, at the end of the day, if Kyle Hartley considers himself a fan of my band, then you know what? I need him to stop. We can’t be associated with loser supporters like that,” Ray said. “When we first decided to start doing shows again, our big worry was that we were exposing our fans to a deadly virus that could kill them or their loved ones. We did not realize we would also be exposing them to total fucking dweebs like Kyle. As of today, we are canceling all future shows out of concern for the safety of our community.”

According to epidemiologist Dr. Blair Mitchell, this may be a growing issue as the COVID-19 epidemic continues.

“Many people are not expecting a wave two of coronavirus, and are not properly preparing themselves for the onslaught of totally lame-ass shit coming to them,” Dr. Mitchell noted. “We need to stay vigilant, because this is not over yet — we need to be ready for non-socially distant crowd killing, guys nursing a beer for three hours and then accidentally pouring it on their mask, and worst of all, cringey stage banter that bombs even harder because it’s outdoors.”

“In Europe, they figured this out and they’re moving on,” she added. “They did Zoom acoustic shows for a few months, and now they’re sweating all over each other in basements like God intended. In the U.S., however, we’re in for losers like Kyle Hartley until potentially mid-2021.”

At press time, a confused and frustrated Hartley vowed to just not wear a mask to the next show he attends.

Fans Furious After Sony Confirms PS2 Will Not Be Forward Compatible With PS5 Games

Posted on by Matt Kenny

SAN MATEO, Calif. — PlayStation fans worldwide erupted in fury today, following Sony’s shock announcement that classic gaming system PlayStation 2 would not be forward compatible with PlayStation 5 games. 

“Sony has fucked us for the last time!” read a comment from Reddit account Bugs__Cummy. “I plugged down 300 bucks twenty years ago, and now the console won’t even play any new games? What a scam.” 

Kotaku reporter Anna Stone broke the story after obtaining internal documents from Sony, which laid out the company’s policy towards forward compatibility. 

“The PlayStation 5 will support backwards compatibility with a range of classic games throughout PlayStation’s rich catalogue,” read the leaked memo. “But previous consoles will be unable to play PS5 games. Obviously.” 

Stone’s reporting also revealed other damaging revelations, most notably that PS2’s component and power cables would be wholly unusable by PS5. 

Sony’s Rapid Response PR team sprung into damage control mode to pacify hordes of irate fans.

“The devoted team at PlayStation has always striven towards giving gamers the most cutting-edge and exciting games possible,” read a tweet from the @AskPlayStation Twitter account. “In working with our developers, we determined that constraining PS5 games to PS2’s MIPS R5900 Emotion Engine would prove detrimental to creating a modern gaming experience. We sincerely apologize to those who are upset by this news.”  

The replies to that tweet, all of which contain words and images that violate Hard Drive’s editorial standards, paint a picture of a seething fan base experiencing a deep sense of betrayal.  

At press time, Todd Howard attempted to console fans with plans to de-master Skyrim for the PS2.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

$300 Editing Software Purchased to Make Simpsons Shitposts

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — Aspiring comedian Archie Brewer reportedly spent upwards of $300 on high-end video editing software in a bid to become one of the foremost Simpsons shiposters in cyberspace.

“Yeah, sure there are some free open source programs out there but they are clunky and buggy,” said Brewer, while superimposing Milhouse’s face onto the body of Brazillian president Jair Bolsonaro. “I need my work to be clean and crisp if I am going to be recognized, so I went all out. And that isn’t even counting the one fifty I dropped on a program to help me autotune Steamed Hams to the tune of Weezer’s Hash Pipe.”

Brewer’s roommates were not as receptive to the news as he had hoped they’d be.

“He hasn’t paid rent in three months but he can afford Adobe Premiere Pro?” asked Marian Norton, one of several concerned housemates. “He seems to think somehow creating a Facebook page called Simpson’s Surly-Posting will lead to a payday. He spent three weeks locked in his room doing a shot-for-shot remake of the Take On Me video starring Edna Krabappel and Groundskeeper Willie. He lost his job over that! I can’t knock the quality, however. He’s doing great stuff.”

Premiere Pro chief executive Rafael Duncan says Brewer’s is an increasingly common tale amongst Adobe users.

“Sure, we sell some licences to studios and independent filmmakers but our bread and butter is shitposters,” Duncan said. “Kids graduating college, ready to drop about three grand on a Mac and Premiere so they can add fart noises to the final battle in Avengers: Endgame. That’s the future of cinema, and that’s the future of the Adobe Creative Suite.”

At press time, Brewer was considering buying a Premiere plugin that would add wavy VHS style lines to his videos for a mere $89.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Elusive, Emotionally Distant Bad Boy Takes off Beer Can Tabs

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

ARDMORE, Pa. — Small-town guitarist Aaron Haze removed yet another tab from his PBR tallboy moments ago while skirting around the topic of how much his ex hurt him, frustrated sources at a DIY show confirm.

“I’ve always removed the beer can tabs… especially when my ex Bianca, or my dickhead stepdad Rick, come up in conversation,” said Haze. “Maybe it’s an anxious habit or something. I dunno, it’s just sort of something I’ve always done. It’s probably how I got this scar. Why are you asking? Just because you’re being nice to me, doesn’t mean that I have to tell you my entire life story. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”

Regulars in Haze’s suburban basement scene report several accounts of his aloofness, manifested in his rebel-boy habit.

“He used to at least be willing to talk about how he got made fun of for his dyslexia as a kid, but then he had a mental breakdown and bleached his hair blonde and started listening to Porches,” reports Haze’s ex-fling Cindy Meyers. “After that, he started recording lo-fi EPs, talking over women, and removing beer can tabs, even when it wasn’t his beer. One time I saw 10 of them spill out of his wallet, but when I asked him what was wrong, he just looked off into the distance, and then chain smoked in silence when I started crying.”

Local psychology major Peter Kay speculated that Haze’s mistreatment of romantic partners and ongoing fidgeting behavior stems from his childhood.

“I can tell by how he calls cigarettes ‘bogies’ and ignores girls who he invited to his own show that he has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style,” said Kay. “I used to feel bad for him, because the sheer amount of beer can tabs he fiddles with shows that he’s got a fuck-ton of repressed emotional damage. But last night he fed me some sob story about his heartbreak just to scheme me out of hazelnut liqueur, so I don’t feel bad anymore.”

Haze has repeatedly refused to pick up the 30 crushed tallboys and several rolling papers he left on the show host’s back patio because he’s ambiguously “going through something” right now.

Protestors Alarmed By Pallet Of ACME Boxes Left In Street

Posted on by Tyler Dark

FAIRFIELD, N.J. — Local police were accused today of intentionally leaving a pallet of boxes labeled “ACME” in the street to instigate a cartoonishly silly and extremely dangerous riot, animated and human sources alike confirmed.

“Whilst exhibiting our displeasure with police brutality, my cohorts and I noticed what appeared to be a conniving trap set by the local constabulary,” reported Marvin the Martian, who traveled more than 71 million miles to attend the protests. “Upon further examination, I concluded that it was a detonator device, similar to the illudium PU-36 explosive space modulator. Luckily, the ruse was unsuccessful. Isn’t that lovely?”

Protestors accused police of intentionally leaving ACME-brand anvils, catapults, and jet-propelled roller skates to incite violence.

“It’s apawwing,” lamented Tweety Bird as he hoisted a sign that read, “Awwest Kiwwer Cops.” “‘Dese pwicks weave twaps for pwotestors and shoot us with wubber buwwets. A cop tried to fiwe at me, but I stuck my finger in the gun bawwel so it expwoded in his stupid pig face. But poor Daffy’s beak got knocked to the back of his head by a tear gas canister. It’s time to abowish and defund the powice! Fuck 12 — aw cops aw bastawds.”

Heightening tensions, a small crowd of counter-protestors gathered nearby to voice their support for law enforcement.

“B’dee, b’dee, b’dee, b’dee-fund the police? N-n-no way, Jose,” declared Porky Pig, handing out “Not All Pigs” pamphlets. “A’wee, a’wee, a’why, you might as well declare a’ha, a’ha, a’ha-narchy! Someone’s gotta puh, a’puh, a’put a stop to these a’rah, a’rah, a’rah, a’riots!”

Fellow counter-protestor Foghorn Leghorn agreed, dismayed by protestors allegedly destroying confederate monuments. “How else will people learn about the War of Northern Aggression and our great Southern history?” Leghorn said. “I say, I say, these fellas trying to erase history are about as sharp as a bowling ball.”

Fairfield Police have issued a statement denying the accusations and specifically assured the public that in no way was Lt. Wile E. Coyote involved.

Depressed Dog Can’t Even Finish Pile of Vomit

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHESAPEAKE, Va. — A local dog was left anxiety-ridden and unable to finish his pile of vomit yesterday after being abandoned at home by his owner yet again, sources close to the issue allege.

“Usually I like to eat every ounce of my puke while it’s still warm immediately after it comes up, but who could eat at a time like this?” asked Shadow, a poodle-mix rescue. “I don’t know if it’s just my avoidant attachment style talking, but every time he leaves the house, I know it’s for good. He grabbed his phone, keys and wallet, and told me he’d be back in a minute… and that was two days ago, I’m sure of it. Most canines can only go two to three days without water before succumbing to kidney failure. I don’t see the point of anything anymore.”

Despite Shadow’s melancholy state, his owner, Lucas Wagner, claimed that his dog is simply being “over-dramatic.”

“I was gone for 45 minutes,” said Wagner, carrying a bag of groceries into the house. “Where the hell is the carpet cleaner? We don’t even have a yard. How is he eating all this grass? I swear, every time I leave the house for more than 10 minutes, he thinks I’m never coming back and gets sick, and it always gets on my socks. And don’t even get me started on the bathmats. I heard having a dog is a good mood elevator, but I did not sign up for this.”

Wagner’s come-and-go-as-you-please attitude is “nothing new” according to Shadow, and has left the pup with severe abandonment issues.

“Sometimes I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he left and never came back,” said Shadow, pushing the half-digested pile of grass and kibble around with his nose. “Just last week he pretended to throw my ball — the thing never even left his hand. I’m sorry, but that’s gaslighting. Just because I’m a rescue doesn’t mean I’m damaged goods.”

At press time, Shadow was mentally preparing his written will and testament as Wagner tied his shoes to go check the mailbox.

Four Out of Five Beers Agree: I Should Send This Text to My Ex

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Whenever I have important life decisions like this “u up” text I have ready to fire off to my ex, I make sure to consult peer-reviewed and accomplished experts before doing anything foolish. Unfortunately, they were unavailable at the time of this bar closing so I consulted a bunch of beers.

After soaking in the guidance of these behavioral specialists, the results were pretty much unanimously in favor of smashing that send button and quite possibly following up several more times just to make sure. But don’t ask a dum-dum like me. Here’s what the professionals had to say!

Beer #1: Hard Pass
“I would strongly advise against reaching out to her. The last couple dozen attempts garnered no response whatsoever, which is a clear sign it’s time to move on.”

Beer #2: But Maybe, Yeah?
“Allow me to play devil’s advocate. What if the reason she hasn’t responded is because she simply hasn’t seen all of your previous texts? Maybe text her real quick just to make sure they arrived safely. I’m sure she’ll say, ‘sorry, just seeing these now’ just like you do three days after first seeing a message you didn’t feel like responding to.”

Beer #3: Hear Me Out, Send It
“In my opinion, she’ll definitely want to know what you thought about the ending of that one show she used to watch while you sat next to her on the couch staring blank-faced at your phone during major plot points. Was it Ozark or the Party of Five reboot? Doesn’t matter. Send that text anyway.”

Beer #4: Hit, and I Can’t Stress This Enough, Send
“Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I think her breaking up with you over your reckless drinking was just a test that I’m pretty sure you’ve totally passed with flying colors. One quick text will show her that you’re a changed man and maybe she’s finally ready for that threesome you suggested a while back.”

Beer #5: Fuck Yeah
“Just send that shit so you can move on and make pizza bagels already. Then maybe think about all the ways you could’ve been a better human being and supportive partner in the relationship so you can learn for future companions. Just kidding! Do some shots and pass the fuck out instead.”

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