Review: Link and Navi’s New Podcast Is Way Too One-Sided

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

The highly anticipated podcast from iconic gaming duo Link and Navi has finally debuted, and sadly, they have produced an extremely one-sided and unbalanced show.

In their new investigative podcast Ocarina of Crime, legendary Hylian adventurer Link and his fairy friend Navi discuss infamous crimes throughout history. However, the pilot episode, which purports to focus on the mysterious disappearance of Jabu-Jabu, spends very little time actually discussing the different aspects of the case. 

“Hey! Look!” begins the program, though co-host Navi’s compelling calls to attention are never satisfactorily followed up on. This blatant attempt at a catchphrase is repeated dozens more times throughout the three hour podcast, with absolutely zero response from Navi’s partner, save for several onomatopoeia, such as “Hyuh!” and “Ehh!” occasionally deployed in response to Navi.

Strangely enough, the closest thing to an actual dialogue is heard whenever an ad read occurs on the show. They are generally introduced by long ocarina songs that seem to summon their producer, who then proceeds to read a scripted pitch from one of their sponsors, which include Casper Mattress and The Dark World Bomb Shop. These are usually underscored by Navi, once again dominating the show and demanding that audiences listen to the ad currently happening.

First episodes are generally rough, but this first installment of Ocarina of Crime is particularly unlistenable. Until they develop a better format, and Link starts to carry his weight as a co-host, you should hop on a ship, play “The Ballad of Gales,” and avoid this podcast at any cost.

Want a podcast from hosts who talk? Check out The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

CBS Launches New Spinoff Series “Dead Sheldon”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — Following the success of “The Big Bang Theory” and its spinoff series “Young Sheldon,” CBS announced today that another spinoff entitled “Dead Sheldon” will premiere later this year.

“People fell in love with Sheldon Cooper’s geeky antics on ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ and watching him navigate high school in ‘Young Sheldon’ couldn’t have been more fun,” said producer Chuck Lorre, who created both shows. “The network and I discussed where we could take the story next, and the answer was obvious: we’ve seen young Sheldon and middle-aged Sheldon, but you know what we haven’t seen? Sheldon’s rotting, bloated corpse.”

Set 20 years after “The Big Bang Theory,” the new series opens with Sheldon suffering from a fatal stroke. Instead of calling an ambulance, the rest of the “Big Bang Theory” gang assumes that it’s just another wacky Sheldon Cooper moment and continues about their day.

“I had so much fun working with my ‘Big Bang Theory’ castmates again. I’m always humbled by how talented these people are,” said Kaley Cuoco, who reprised her role as Penny for “Dead Sheldon.” “Jim Parsons was so committed to the role that he actually gave himself a real stroke and died while filming. I won’t spoil too much, but my favorite scene is when Sheldon’s skin starts to turn green and Howard says, ‘What are you, the Hulk?’ It’s funny because he referenced the Hulk, which is a nerd thing.”

To help build up hype for the show, CBS released half of its first season on CBS All Access for a limited time.

“I’ll admit that I found the first few minutes of the show very unsettling,” said Max Smith, a longtime “Big Bang Theory” fan. “Sheldon looked like he was having a very serious stroke, but Leonard, Howard, and Raj were only focused on discussing why women can’t play ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’ I almost turned it off, but then Leonard referenced ‘Star Trek’ and there was a laugh track, which made me feel better.”

In response to the early praise for “Dead Sheldon,” CBS has greenlit several more “Big Bang Theory” spinoffs, including “Prison Sheldon,” “Gulf War Sheldon,” and “In Utero Sheldon.”

Cop Worried Dealer Is Spitting in His Cocaine

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SEATTLE — Seattle Police Lieutenant Chuck Haines is beginning to worry that his dealer may be tampering with his cocaine, following a rash of well-publicized incidents involving service employees spitting in police officers’ food, sources report.

“It’s hard out here being a cop — the world is against us, and we can’t trust anyone. I mean, look at the weird clumps in my cocaine. That’s gotta be spit,” said Haines, as he diced up rails in the front seat of his squad car. “I know my dealer is into BLM and all of that stuff; I can tell by the way he dresses. But I’m putting my life on the line out here for this community, dammit! Can’t my plug show me a little respect?”

While many agree that police are at a heightened risk for receiving contaminated products, cocaine supplier Derek Haslan denied any wrongdoing.

“Haines said what? That dude’s been hitting it hard lately, and he’s super paranoid. I run a professional operation here,” Haslan said, while sifting laundry detergent into a large pile of powder on his kitchen table. “Cops are always crying that people are messing with them. Does he really think I want to take the time to spit in every cop’s 8-ball? With all the cops that buy from me, I wouldn’t have enough spit to go around.”

While Haines may never fully know if his cocaine was tampered with, law enforcement experts see this as an indicator of upcoming psychological trauma modern police will deal with.

“Back in the day, society respected law enforcement: people waved, you got a free cup of coffee, and you knew you weren’t getting some super stepped-on bag of yayo from a local dealer,” said Fraternal Order of Police President Randall Price. “But now, you’re all against us. We can’t even attack the poors anymore without you maggots crying. Every last one of you will pay dearly.”

Haines was later seen trying to make friends with the new Evidence Locker guard.

We Asked Our Supposedly Alcoholic Mailman What Poetry They’re Working on and They Maced Us

Posted on by Zac Lux

Every day I see the mailman and I am transfixed. Every day I imagine the sound of empty bottles clinking around in that truck as they grace the pavement. I picture the alcohol in their belly sloshing rhythmically along with the lulling tap, tap, tap, of their boots up my walk. Every day I can practically smell only the Frenchest of screw-cap wines amongst their breath. Nestled in the decimated remains of what was once was an honorable mail satchel, lies a flask: the only trace of escape from the drudgery of a thankless life. That, and the can of mace they used to blind me just for running up on them and asking what poetry they’re working on. What an asshole. Just like my hero, Charles Bukowski.

I am certain they are a prolific writer. Otherwise, why would they follow the precedent of working for the postal service set by such legendary raging alcoholics who are also writers like Charles Bukowski and I think there was that other one? I don’t know if you noticed yet, but, I too, am a bit of a writer, myself, as well. I figured there is no better opportunity to connect with another tortured, creative soul than during the delivery of my mail. Maybe down the line we will exchange supple slurps of old bourbon and callous badinage over notes on our prose. Maybe they’ll drive me to the hospital once they realize I was only trying to be nice.

There they were, silhouetted by the late morning sun. Short-shorts providing momentary shade over their tired, goopy thighs. They took a swig of their flask, leather-bound and worn, as they pulled tomes of thoughtful meanderings, bills, and coupons of Bed and Bath and Beyond that had traversed the country mere days ago. Now that they’re a little closer, that may have been a bottle of Desani.

My moment accompanied the opening of the mailbox flap. A rusted door that must have seen a lifetime. What it must have done in the past, for the hinge’s fate deemed to hold up such a thing, I do not know. I lunged toward the mailman, exclaiming with urgency that only they, another artist, another concierge of the mind, an alcoholic mailman, could understand.

“SHOW ME YOUR PROSE,” I implored, “FOR I TOO AM A WRITER AND WE HAVE YET TO DISCERN THIS DELICATE TRAVESTY OF LIFE.” I beseeched the mailman.

Immediately we connected, our eyes meeting in dire strive, gasping for truth. As only artists could connect. It was then when the mailman reciprocated my passion with a stunning blast of bear-mace, pocketed so precisely in their aforementioned satchel. The burning sensation felt like someone lit a thousand cigarettes in the boxcars, boxcars, boxcars of my eyes. I curdled to the floor in the embrace of the mailman’s tactful wit, knowing that this interaction may be the muse for their next treasured work.

I thank you, the artist, the drunk, the holy mailman, for not only telling me the poetry you’re working on, but truly, viscerally, showing me. In hindsight, I should have worn a mask before answering the door.

Band Photographer Suggests One Photo Without Bassist Just in Case

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Photographer Juliette Heartinson suggested punk band Schrodinger’s Cat’s Butthole do one photo without the bass player last week “just in case things didn’t work out in the long run,” a group of recently deposed bassists reported.

“These bands experience so many on-again, off-again bassists that you just never know,” said Heartinson, in between reminding the bass player not to smile and say “cheese” for pictures. “I’m constantly asked to do reshoots after a band inevitably kicks out their bass player for showing a new song they wrote, so I always make sure to take one without the bassist so it can later be used to Photoshop whatever new one the band gets. Honestly, it always feels a little awkward in the moment, but the rest of the band typically gets so excited over the suggestion that the bass player simply has no rebuttal.”

Indeed, Jeff Plummert, the band’s fourth bass player in 12 months, questioned the photographer’s recommendation.

“It was definitely odd to sit back and watch the rest of the band take a photo without me,” said Plummert while doing his weekly practice studio chores assigned by his bandmates. “Almost like all those times they went out to get a few beers after a show, but forgot to tell me where they were going… or that time I caught them texting with their previous bassist and they said it was ‘nothing to worry about.’ Or that time they accidentally pushed me out of a moving car after I suggested they invite me to their band meetings. Really, the list goes on.”

Music experts have long documented band members’ rapport with one another.

“Being in a band is just like being in a relationship, but polyamorous, so they rarely ever work out,” music critic Danielle Jefferson said. “Unless a band shows legitimate signs that they’re capable of long-term commitment, the bass player can expect to be dumped at any time for a heavier, more funny one. We’re actually seeing bands wait longer than is typically normal to reveal their bassist’s identity on social media — almost as if they’re waiting to see if their current one is ‘touring material’ before making it Instagram official.”

The band wrote a glowing review of Heartinson’s freelance photography business, citing her professional demeanor and patience when working with bass players.

Game Not Nearly Difficult Enough to Justify This Many Power-Ups

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

METHUEN, Mass. — Guessing that he could probably blow through the second half of the game without picking up a single accessory or stat modifier, local gamer David Escobar told sources Wednesday that the new action-adventure game War-Torn is not nearly difficult enough to justify this many power-ups.

“I spent the first ten hours of my playthrough really trying to collect everything to make my guy as strong as possible, but then I got so overpowered that each boss only took a few hits to beat,” said Escobar, while staring in disbelief at the upgrade menu with its six different tabs covering everything from jumping height to ammo capacity. “It’s cool that I can tweak all of this, but honestly I thought the game was pretty easy even with base stats. Now it just feels like I turned cheats on or something.”

Despite criticism, the game’s developers have defended the level of customization in the game as an artistic choice.

“War-Torn is really a commentary on the excess in military spending,” said lead designer Scott Collins. “Our intention from the beginning was to have the player be inundated with choices and an abundance of equipment until they realize it’s all overkill. Well, that’s mostly true — the twelve different kinds of shock grenades were actually a note from our publisher. Apparently some players can’t get enough of customizing shock grenades.”

At press time, Escobar had finished the game’s campaign and unlocked an “Ultra Hard” difficulty that restricts the player to only four tabs on the customization screen.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Apple Announces Twenty Dollar Bill That Will Cost Fifty Dollars

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — Apple’s latest addition to its signature line of products was revealed today, an American twenty dollar bill whose base model will retail for $49.99.

“This new twenty dollar bill, tentatively called the iBill, is going to revolutionize the way Apple users will interact with the goods and services they purchase,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. “Obviously, there are some other twenty dollar bills already on the market, but this sleek, redesigned bill blows them away. It’s time to step into the future, and this fifty dollar twenty is the logical next step for American cash.”

Scores of fans were lined up overnight to hopefully procure some of the first shipment of Apple cash, reported several bank employees that didn’t realize their branch was among the first to have its ATM filled with the new Apple devices. 

“I know it seems silly, but I don’t know, I just trust Apple stuff,” said Isaac Porter, standing in front of a long line of people waiting for a Bank of America branch to open. “I don’t carry a lot of cash, and I’m mostly using Apple Pay right now, so it’ll be nice to have cash that is fully compatible with my iOS and across all of my devices when I do. I’m not that worried about the price tag, fifty dollars isn’t a lot for a twenty dollar bill if it makes me happy, you know?”

The bill is ostensibly the same as other twenty dollar bills currently in circulation with one major difference; it will not be compatible with any machines produced before 2018. 

“We know Apple users tend to want to use other Apple products,” said Miranda Ashton, a company spokesperson. “So yes, our new money will not be able to be spent in things like vending machines and the like, but our users are used to having to sacrifice basic compatibility with the world around them in exchange for completely overpriced merchandise. Oh, and it comes with a sticker!”

As of press time, Android has announced that 412 new versions of the one dollar bill will be made available for all Android users.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

I Said I Was Looking for a Big “Tidy” Goth Chick and This Place is a Fucking Mess

Posted on by John Danek

Ooo, I’ve never had mugwort/wormwood tea, but I’m excited to try! This is the perfect way to end a great first date.

Though, I have to ask, did you just move in? I totally understand if like, you didn’t have time to put everything away and clean. But, ummm… if this is the way your apartment is all the time, I’m more than a little disappointed. Damn.

My Tinder bio clearly stated that I’m looking for a “big, tidy goth chick” and yet, I’m looking at a used fork just sitting on your couch. I thought I was pretty clear. Look at that! It’s just laying on the pillow. How does one become such a slob? Is that mold on your ceiling? Ok, I’m putting my mask back on. And to think that I was concerned about coronavirus when the real threat was my very real mold allergy/phobia.

Big “tiddy” goth chick? First off, that’s not even how you spell “titty.” I should know, I’ve been Google searching that word for decades now. And quite frankly, I’m appalled that you would think that I could be so superficial.

I would never demand breasts of a certain size in a partner. Yes, I see them, and they are in fact huge knockers. And that’s awesome. You know what else is awesome? Being able to walk 2 steps on your living room floor without tripping over a… what is this a thigh master? Do they still make these? Why do you have this?

Oh my god, the carpet is worse! There are clearly bits of Cooler Ranch Doritos all over the place. Do you have a cat? NO? Then how is this place covered in so much fur? There are mounds of mystery fur in here, and yet you don’t have a cat? Get Sherlock Holmes in on this mystery.

Woah, ok. Yes I see them. Please put your breasts away. And do you have any hand sanitizer? I’m going to need some after I walk out of this virus den. I have officially been catfished. And it smells like literal catfish in here.

Naive Cop Believes People Just Started Spitting in Their Food

Posted on by Collin Canning

PORTLAND, Maine — Portland Police Department Officer Grace Hutchinson somehow fully believes that people have only recently started tampering with her food, snickering sources confirm.

“This is new. I’ve been an officer for decades, and I’ve never seen such disrespect,” said the 20-year member of the PPD, who has received three medals for bravery, 43 citations for excessive use of force, and consumed roughly 325 pubic hairs throughout her career. “Everyone used to love us and appreciate the work we do… and then, bam! All of a sudden, people don’t like cops for no reason. It’s nuts.”

“What kind of world is this where I can’t even order a large number three with extra cheese, without fearing that some skateboarder I just gave a $150 ticket to for sitting at the skatepark without a helmet is going to hock a loogie into the bun?” she added.

For their part, Portland McDonald’s employees were surprised by the claims.

“I understand the climate is really tense right now, but honestly, nothing’s changed,” stated fry cook Andy Miller, polishing off a quart of whole milk. “I definitely didn’t start spitting in pigs’ food this year. I make cop’s food the same way today that I always have — with the utmost contempt, and three days of backed-up mucus in my throat. ACAB.”

Since May, police nationwide have reported an uptick in food tampering, acts denied by the local chain managers across the country.

“We would never, ever do something like that to an order from a brave member of the police force… ever,” said Oxford, Miss. Starbucks manager Tuck Bottomley. “The police are valuable members of our society, and I strongly condemn anyone who might, say, hock a chunky phlegm oyster into an officer’s ice cap, and then blend it so they don’t even notice. Or, if a rogue employee were to, for instance, slowly feed the same cop a mixture of spit, crusty elbow scabs, semen and fingernails until they technically made that cop into a cannibal without his knowledge, well… I would just like to meet that employee.”

At press time, Ofc. Hutchinson was spotted outside of a Denny’s carefully inspecting her Cali Club sandwich while several employees watched from the window, high-fiving.

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