Opinion: They Say Success Is the Best Revenge, but I Actually Think It’s Murder

Posted on by John Danek

Join me in a cathartic exercise. I want you to write down the names of 3 people who have slighted you, stabbed you in the back, or otherwise hurt you in some way or another. Your secret is safe with me.

Did you write down the same name three times? Me too! So how are we going to get even with these arch-nemesis stinkers of ours?

Everyone has heard the old axiom “Success is the best revenge.” And sure, becoming wildly successful works, especially if your foe opposed your pursuits or rivaled you in some way. I’ll say it’s a Top 5 revenge tactic, but it certainly isn’t number 1.

Want me to let you in on a little secret? The best revenge of them all is… murder.

It’s so simple, sweet, effective, and final! But I will caution you, the method of murder can make all the difference. Drive-by shooting into their house while they eat dinner with the family? Effective but not very satisfying.

Hiring a honeypot to lure them into your industrial boiler room where you chain them up and dismantle their human form piece-by-piece via used, rusty scalpels you bought off a bankrupt dentist’s practice? SO VERY SATISFYING.

Sure, success has its perks, but does it really scratch the itch that is vengeance? Let’s say you go on to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for your role as The Man in the Yellow Hat in the gritty reboot of Curious George starring Andy Serkis. It will feel good, but you won’t be able to actually see the frustration and hopelessness of your foe’s concession. Murder gives you a front-row seat to the fear, regret, confusion, despair, and most importantly, the begging. Oh, the begging!

Sure, I understand that the intention of “Success is the best revenge” is to caution people that the satisfaction of vengeance is hollow and fleeting, but like, is it? There’s truly only one way to find out! This method isn’t for filthy casuals. It’s for people who have Google Alerts set up for their opponent’s name to catalog every little misfortune that befalls them.

Maybe you’re not quite ready for number 1. Murder is a fairly big commitment. But you still want to ruin their sanity and life? I wrote a PHP script that repeatedly signs someone up for Donald Trump’s campaign emails. Solid #2 revenge tactic.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Coolest Kid in Sixth Grade Shows up to School With BTS Ventilator

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LEXINGTON, S.C. — Forest Hills Middle School sixth grader Brynn Ruark effortlessly secured the title of “coolest kid in school” yesterday after showing up to the first day of reopened classes with a kick-ass BTS ventilator, jealous sources confirmed.

“Yeah, I know my breathing machine is awesome,” Ruark said, as she struggled to work up the strength to tuck a four-color pen behind her ear. “Just because my odds of survival are slim doesn’t mean it has to fuck up my swag. I have a reputation to maintain, and BTS is the shit. With this bad boy, I’m on the fast track to kissing Mikey Tribbel… whose chances of getting out of this semester alive are also pretty dicey.”

While much of the reception to Ruark’s ventilator was positive, some of her classmates felt overshadowed, claiming their ventilators didn’t get the attention they deserved.

“I have to admit, BTS is fucking tight,” remarked Colby Challenger, another Forest Hills student who shares a lunch block with Ruark. “I thought I’d at least get a little love for my Shawn Mendes ventilator, but nobody could shut up about Brynn’s. I’m just glad I’m not the girl in my social studies class who came in with a fucking hand-me-down ‘Hannah Montana’ ventilator. I’d rather just let my lungs collapse than be seen with one of those.”

News of Ruark’s life-saving accessory spread far beyond the halls of Forest Hills Middle after a photo taken of her by his mother went viral, prompting BTS to reach out to their young fan.

“WOW! That ventilator SLAPS,” tweeted Jungkook, one of the group’s nine vocalists. “SO cool! Me and the guys hope you die last of all your classmates, because you’re clearly AWESOME! Thx 4 being a soldier in the BTS ARMY!”

Despite Ruark’s early popularity, she was already upstaged by the end of the day when a dance routine held during the funeral of former classmate Abigail Wendell went viral on TikTok.

Mario Lopez Appearance on Access Hollywood Unexpectedly Sabotaged by Wario Lopez

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — 2011 “Favorite TV Reality, Variety, or Comedy Personality or Act” ALMA Award nominee Mario Lopez was once again foiled at the hands of his arch nemesis Wario Lopez after cutting his microphone midway through a recent filming of an Access Hollywood segment, agitated show producers confirmed. 

“Him and his outlandishly zigzagging mustache have been quite a nuisance around here,” said Mario Lopez, following the incident. “Lately, he’s been sneaking onto the sound stage and turning off the power on my mic before fleeing the scene shouting, ‘I’m a-Wario Lopez and I’m a-gonna win!’ Sure, it’s mildly inconvenient, and we just restart the take and go about our business, but enough already! I’m actually more concerned that he’s been following me home while tossing banana peels at me from his electric Smart Car window. Honestly, what’s with this guy?”

Speaking to the press, Wario Lopez shed some light on the origins of the very public grudge he has long held against the heavily dimpled actor.

“I must show a-Mario Lopez that I’m a-number one!” said Wario Lopez. “You see, a long time ago, we both auditioned for the role of AC Slater in Saved by the Bell and it was a-Mario who got the part. Ever since it’s been my mission to thwart his career any chance I got. Thankfully, he’s mostly sabotaged himself with his acting choices, like The Dog Who Saved a-Christmas, so there’s not much for a-Wario to do but disrupt these entertainment show recordings.” 

The Access Hollywood film crew has been routinely irritated by the mostly one-sided rivalry. 

“We’ve had to call cops on that creep on multiple occasions,” said Jennifer Ploddington, sound engineer for the entertainment news program. “Turns out, there’s simply nothing we can do about it though. The authorities said they can’t arrest someone for comic mischief, and the judge rejected Mario’s restraining order request even after Wario purposefully pushed him down a nearby drainage pipe during an on-location home makeover segment with Ty Pennington. I’m worried it’s just a matter of time before someone is seriously injured.”

At press time, Wario Lopez decided to abandon his attempts to sabotage the Saved by the Bell reboot after learning it’d be on the Peacock network.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Report: Valve Employees Working Grueling 100-Hour Work Weeks On Nothing

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

BELLEVUE, Wash. — According to anonymous sources within the company, employees at Valve Software have been working grueling 100-hour work weeks on absolutely nothing at all.

“It’s been like this for months now, if not years,” one employee said in an email. “I only see the inside of my apartment when I’m there to sleep. I spend almost every waking hour in front of my desk working at a breakneck pace to hit all my deadlines for producing nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my work and I couldn’t ask for a more fulfilling job, but when I look back at all of the critically acclaimed nothing I’ve contributed to, I can’t help but wonder if the serious tolls on my mental and physical health were worth it.”

Valve, a company known for prestigious games like Half-Life 2 and Portal, has shifted a majority of its development resources into nothing during recent years. Many employees relate similar stories of being guilted into staying long past their scheduled shifts by strict management expecting to see more nothing.

“I used to work late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over design documents and concept sketches to piece together the perfect layout for a Left 4 Dead 2 map, but that was a long time ago,” a Valve senior staffer said. “Now, I’m working late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over not a single document of any kind to piece together literally nothing.”

When reached for a statement regarding the treatment of workers, Valve’s public relations team responded with an email, which was blank.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tarot Reader Not Sure How to Break It to Man That He’ll Be Stabbed by a Bunch of Swords

Posted on by Sari Beliak

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. –– Tarot reader Hannah Edwards was unsure how to tell fellow party-goer Randy Bartolo that he would reach his untimely death because of a freak accident in which he would be stabbed by a bunch of swords, concerned onlookers reported Friday.

“I’ve offered readings to strangers at parties for quite some time now, but I’ve never come across one this bad before,” said Edwards. “The first spread looked O.K., nothing too out of the ordinary –– the Moon, the Magician, the Three Of Cups –– but then the Ten of Swords came up and I had no idea what the fuck to do. Sure, I could just make the choice to not tell him about the whole stabbing thing and just say that card represents eternal wealth or something, but I feel a responsibility to give honest readings to clients. The cards weren’t clear on how the stabbings would happen, but I tried to warn him to stay away from cosplayers, medieval museums, or any guy that has a ponytail and visits Japan at least once a year.”

Guests reported Edwards’ entire demeanor changed when she realized Bartolo’s fate.

“Everyone was laughing and having a good time up until then,” said guest Elizabeth Shaw. “I’ve always been pretty skeptical about this kind of stuff, but as soon I saw her face when she turned that card over, I knew it was all over for Randy. It’s never good when someone spits out their drink in the middle of a tarot reading… and it’s especially bad when they pack up right after they’re done with you and then go cry in their car.”

Despite the ominous message, witnesses claim Bartolo remained calm throughout the reading and appeared fairly unaware of the severity of the cruel fate he’d been dealt.

“I don’t know if I necessarily believe in all this stuff,” he said. “I saw this weird woman at the party shuffling those cards and I thought it might be fun to ask a question. If anything, I’m just relieved to finally get confirmation that my girlfriend isn’t cheating on me.”

At press time, Bartolo excitedly announced he’d won a raffle and would receive free sword swallowing lessons at the adult education annex over the summer.

Aging Metal Fan Remembers When Songs Were About Simple Things Like Mounting a Golden Pegasus or Slaying Baphomets

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Aging metal fan Donny Burton went on another tirade last night about the general state of metal, recalling a “better time” when songs were about winged beasts and demon underlords.

“When I hear what these kids are listening to nowadays, it makes me go ballistic,” said Burton, staring longingly at a poster of Dio riding a dragon made of fire. “Whatever happened to a nice 9-minute guitar solo, followed by an epilogue about traversing a mystical wood in search of a sword forged by a demon prince? I tell you, the ’80s were a simpler time, when all you needed was a thorough grasp of the entire Tolkien canon to appreciate metal.”

Burton’s distaste for metal’s evolution has taxed his personal life, affecting his relationships with friends and family members.

“My dad is so fucking lame,” remarked Burton’s son Clyde, for whom household tensions have reached a peak. “A dude should be able listen to Five Finger Death Punch in peace without some balding dipshit going on about Richie Blackmore’s Rainbow, whatever the fuck that is. He’s just stuck in the past. Nobody wants to hear songs about goblets anymore.”

The elder Burton is not alone, as a contingent of mythical creatures also miss being a part of the world of metal.

“It’d be nice to feel seen again,” lamented Xyfalthazon, Intergalactic Wizard and Harbinger of Star Explosions. “When I’m descending upon a tribe of Martian orc-slayers, I like to have a kickass jam playing as I march into battle. What’s the point of swinging a broadsword on Iced Earth if there isn’t a bard to sing the song of your triumph? It just feels like metal bands don’t care about us anymore.”

In happier news, both generations of Burtons are allegedly bonding over Norwegian black metal, on the grounds that neither of them can understand the lyrics at all.

Local Crossing Guard Fired Despite Near-Perfect Record

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

FRESNO, Calif. — Beloved local crossing guard Leona Cardwell was fired Wednesday after committing her first error in nearly 20 years on the job when she absentmindedly waved along a Hyundai Elantra into a group of fifth graders crossing the street, city officials confirmed.

“Everyone makes mistakes, but to fire someone who’s been at the top of their profession for decades the very first time she slips up? It’s ridiculous,” said Julie Adams, an English teacher at nearby Edmunds Middle School. “They don’t fire cops when they kill somebody — why should it be any different for crossing guards? Just put her on administrative leave for a few weeks and let her back out on the streets.”

Countless others — from former teachers, to coworkers, and even some local politicians — voiced their support for Cardwell. However, the most forceful defense came from Maria Perez, President of the California Crossing Guard Union.

“If we fire Ms. Cardwell, that sets a dangerous precedent for all other crossing guards across the country. We don’t want our traffic monitors second-guessing every choice they make: that could lead to two to three minute delays on a citizen’s commute. Plus, those students were playing hooky. Doesn’t that mean the superintendent should lose his job, too? Should their parents be locked up?” asked Perez while standing next to the intersection where the accident took place. “What happened to those children is unfortunate, but you shouldn’t cut off your nose to spite your face. There are hundreds of fifth graders at Edmunds, but there’s only one Leona.”

Cardwell, for her part, blames herself for setting such a high standard of excellence.

“It doesn’t make the news every time a child isn’t struck by a moving vehicle because a crossing guard did her job correctly, but the truth is that if it weren’t for me, kids would be flying across that intersection every single day,” said Cardwell while gardening outside her home. “These days, all it takes is one little mistake, and boom — your career is splattered all over the pavement. I just want to get back to my corner, with my Stop sign and high visibility vest, so I can continue to serve this community.”

In another stroke of bad luck for the embattled former crossing guard, Cardwell was fired from her side job at Hank’s Pizzeria last night after one measly oven fire happened to burn the restaurant to the ground.

If Corporations Are People, Then Why Can’t We Target Them With Drone Strikes?

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

In the United States, corporations enjoy many of the same rights as people — things like freedom of speech, the right to enter into contracts, and the ability to waste their money on Gary Johnson’s 2016 presidential campaign. Given how much they benefit from personhood, is it really so much to ask that the government treat them like its other citizens and start bombarding them with drone strikes?

I know what you’re thinking, “drone strikes are supposed to be reserved for terrorists in other countries, right?” Well, most of these corporations have already moved their headquarters abroad, and if charging $600 for designer jeans isn’t terrorism, then that word has lost all meaning. When you think about it, McDonald’s has killed more people than Al-Qaeda, anyway.

These radicalized corporations threaten our very way of life, and they must be stopped.

Think of all the problems it would solve. Who needs Congress when you can use AGM-114 Hellfire II missiles to break up monopolies? I bet Purdue Pharma would think twice before raising drug prices after one of those bad boys rips through their opioid laboratories. And do you really think Amazon will keep abusing their workers after the Air Force levels their new Virginia headquarters to the ground? If they do, it won’t take two days to ship another “package” to Bezos and his cronies.

That’s not to mention the new wave of innovation that corporate drone strikes would give rise to as companies seek to modernize their missile defense systems. With the fear of being extrajudicially blasted by heavy ordinance in play, suddenly corporations would have no choice but to prioritize the health and safety of their employees.

And honestly, why stop there? Corporations should have to deal with all the other bullshit that comes with being a person. Let’s see how Facebook likes it when we start selling their personal information to the highest bidder. I doubt Exxon Mobil would appreciate us sneaking into their homes and cranking up the thermostat. Why can’t Monsanto watch their grandmother die of cancer after years of exposure to their products?

If we really want to get crazy, we could even try making them pay taxes.

Joe Biden Buys Green Line 6 Delay Pedal, Fender Jazzmaster to Gain Midwest Emo Vote

Posted on by John Danek

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden purchased a Fender Jazzmaster and green Line 6 DL4 delay pedal yesterday in a transparent effort to attract the highly coveted midwest emo vote, political analysts listening to The Promise Ring’s “Nothing Feels Good” on repeat confirmed.

“You see what I have here? It’s a Jazzmaster, which I got off some kid for practically nothing on Reverb. I walked right up to his front door, and I said, ‘Listen, Jack, I know real emo. I’ve got more Rites of Spring albums than you could shake a stick at,’ and you better believe I got that guitar,” explained Biden while hanging a Saddle Creek poster in his campaign headquarters. “Donald Trump is obviously a PRS-into-Peavey kinda guy. And our country needs someone with a lighter touch, a cleaner tone — someone who can really bring out America’s twinkly riffs. And that person is me.”

“And unlike our current president, I’m willing to try alternate tunings or stereo amp setups with my new Line 6 DL4 delay pedal,” Biden added. “I mostly use it for the loop function, but I’m game to reach across the aisle and change it to the tape echo setting on occasion.”

Campaign staff justified Biden’s midwest emo fandom as a lifelong devotion, and not just a ploy to attract a massive voting demographic.

“Joe used a Telecaster for years, but as time goes on, he realizes the need for change — just like his attitudes towards criminal justice legislation,” said campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “On his first day in office, Joe will designate the American Football house and lawn as a national park, then demand that the Get Up Kids’ ‘Something to Write Home About’ be entered into the National Recording Registry.”

However, the midwest emo community at large aren’t so trusting of Biden’s alleged passion for their beloved genre.

“Candidates pull this crap all the time. Voters saw right through Cory Booker’s lo-fi hip-hop side projects, and we won’t be fooled by Biden,” declared Polyvinyl Records founder Matt Lunsford. “Until I see Biden nailing some two-hand tapping runs and giving me feels like Appleseed Cast’s ‘Low Level Owl,’ I’m still writing in Bernie.”

Indeed, Biden has already received backlash for his appearance on the “Washed Up Emo” podcast, where he bizarrely stated that Cap’n Jazz tried to kill him with a switchblade at a swimming pool in 1962.

Tosh.0 Patched to Tosh.1

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

CULVER CITY, Calif. — Comedy Central announced in a press release this morning that their longrunning online video roundup show, Tosh.0, had finally been patched to Tosh.1, the first major update to the series in its 12-season run.

“We’re excited for our viewers to tune in and get to know all of the new features we’ve introduced in Tosh.1,” said David Fitz, Chief Technical Officer at Comedy Central Labs, the Viacom-funded startup responsible for developing Tosh.0. “The original build of the show will have a special place in our hearts for years to come, but with this new update comes dozens of quality-of-life improvements to help optimize the show on modern hardware and high-resolution TVs.”

The patch notes for the release note several bugs that have been fixed, including framerate enhancements and native 4K support. Gamers, who make up the majority of the show’s audience, have been positive about the news.

“I love Tosh, but his re-runs are basically unplayable on my PS4 Pro,” said user ExplodingPenguin on Reddit. “Maybe I’ll redownload the Comedy Central app and give Tosh.1 another go when the new season drops. But I’m gonna hold onto my old physical Tosh.0 DVDs because those are still playable on my PS2. I guess I’m kind of retro like that.”

At press time, several hours after the patch’s launch, fans were disappointed after observing that the new update also increases the number of ad breaks in each episode.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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