We Listened To a Song by Lou Bega That Wasn’t “Mambo No. 5” and Now This Japanese Girl With Wet Hair Keeps Crawling Out of Our Computer Monitor

Posted on by John Danek

Everyone on planet Earth knows “Mambo No. 5.” Even if you were merely an egg in your mother’s womb at the time, you heard it so much that you can perfectly time the “aarrrrggGGGHHHH!” in the chorus. We all are just aware of it, like Jesus Christ or Ronnie Radke. That’s why we decided to finally listen to a second Lou Bega song. It was pretty good until a dripping wet demon-girl crawled out of our screen. Help!

We queued up a song from his 2010 comeback album, “Free Again” when, 8 seconds into the song, our computer started glitching and a girl with dripping wet hair began squeezing her way out of the monitor. Probably a new Spotify feature. It freaked us out at first but once she got her footing, she just… stood there.

We were scared but it was getting late so we left some chips out and went to sleep. Bizarrely, we kept having the same dream of a horse falling overboard on a ferry. When we woke up the next morning, she was gone except for a pool of black sludge on our $10,000 Wayfair carpet.

We thought everything was okay until we fired up YouTube and there was that girl again! She wiggled her way between our open tabs and, once again, we found ourselves in an awkward standstill with a digital monster. Still worth it to hear another 8 seconds of Lou Bega. She spent the majority of the day following us around and staring at us while dripping. Our anxiety died down after about an hour but the dripping never stopped. If we’re going to finish this album we should invest in a bucket.

Other than some damp carpets, she didn’t cause any problems besides the normal stress of having to constantly entertain a houseguest. We can only hope that one day some other poor soul will press play on a Lou Bega deep cut and we will be free from this curse.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Pop Punk Frontman Loses Interest in Band After Sound Matures

Posted on by Allan Johnston

ISLIP, N.Y. — Everything Done in Latin frontman Lawrence Joseph has lost interest in the band he’s been part of for 15 years after the trio’s sound matured too much for his liking, according to sources.

“My heart just wasn’t in it anymore,” lamented Joseph. “When we first started, our sound was full of youthful energy and innocence that I just fed off… and that vibe is just gone now. I’m proud of how our music evolved, but over the years, something went missing that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.”

The tensions of an aging band outgrowing its singer were not lost on many of its disappointed but unsurprised fans.

“I grew up listening to them and going to their shows, so when I saw them coming to town again, I figured the nostalgia factor alone was enough to go. But it was kind of a letdown,” said longtime fan Johanna Black. “The singer just had this bored, disengaged look in his eyes… and when the drummer was doing this tapping thing, you could tell he wasn’t even listening. I think he was starting to realize he was getting too old to keep doing what he was doing.”

Band manager Christopher Martino agreed, noting the disparity between the singer and the maturity of the band’s sound has been growing for years now.

“When I look back at the early photos that survived the countless years of touring, hard drive failures, and border crossings, they still stir up all kinds of emotions in me,” Martino said. “When he was writing love ballads about taking advantage of free drinks and ‘ladies night’ bar specials, there was a sparkle in his eye. But as the rest of the band honed its craft and widened their influences, his lyrics had to get more cryptic just to keep up… which I think sucked all the fun out of hiding in plain sight.”

Joseph has also allegedly checked in with his band from high school, “just to see how they’ve been doing.”

Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Lobby Just Two Opposing Teams Threatening to Start Match

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

RICHMOND, Va. — Players have been waiting for a multiplayer round of Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War to start for the past 12 hours, as both teams keep threatening to start the match but backing out at the last second.

“I got into an early beta and immediately jumped into a lobby,” said Jonathan Acosta, a longtime fan of the series. “Matchmaking was going smoothly, but then every time the countdown timer got to one, a player would get cold feet and the process would restart. I’ve just been waiting for hours to start shooting, but honestly I don’t know if this so-called ‘war,’ is ever gonna pop off.”

As tensions rose, players started trash talking one another over voice chat in an attempt to launch psychological warfare against one another. Some players even went as far as to join the enemy team to secretly gather intel on them while they waited for the match to begin.

“Do you really think you can beat us?” taunted player WarsawPat55. “Collectively, our team’s K/D is a 16.0. If you so much as fire a pistol shot at us, we’ll earn the biggest killstreak you’ve ever seen in one minute flat and drop a nuke on the battlefield. Not convinced? Well, I’ll back out of the game to give you a chance to think it over, okay?”

According to statistics from Activision, players have reportedly spent the majority of their time in the game’s loadout menu customizing their weapons.

“We’re trying to find ways to get players to start the matches faster,” said Infinity Ward community manager Ashton Williams. “We’re actually experimenting with a new game mode called Proxy War, where players can funnel their currency to other players and send them to grief anyone on their rivals’ friends list.”

After a seemingly endless standoff, the Russian team quit the game entirely. Team USA celebrated by installing a slew of hacks and terrorizing level one players in matches around the world.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Activision Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Game

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA — Activision revealed a new ‘Star Wars’ video game today entitled Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, available late 2020.

“We know how many diehard ‘Star Wars’ fans are out there, and we really wanted to make sure we did them justice with our tribute to their favorite franchise — President Ronald Reagan’s 1984 strategic missile defense system designed to protect the United States from nuclear attacks,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick. “What a bunch of nerds!”

Reactions from the ‘Star Wars’ community, which is often quite volatile, were very positive towards the new game.

“I freakin’ love ‘Star Wars’ and I’m so excited to finally get my hands on a GOOD game about it,” said Star Wars superfan @MutuallyAssuredDestructionDog53 on Twitter. “I go ALL OUT when I talk ‘Star Wars,’ man. I’m talking conventions, cosplays, figurines… Every year, my friends and I head out to a huge ‘Star Wars’ con and I go decked out in a full United States Department of Defense officer uniform cosplay. I just love the community so much!”

Despite the positive responses, however, many members of the ‘Star Wars’ fandom did vow to boycott the upcoming game if it featured too many prominent characters of color.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Local Casket Distributor Offering Huge Back to School Savings

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Callahan’s Casket Emporium will offer a “Back to School Blowout Sale” this year, offering discounts of up to 50% on last year’s models, multiple cold-call recipients confirmed.

“I’ve been selling coffins my entire adult life. I could sell a double-decker coffin to a petite widow with no issue, so the fact the government is forcing children back to school will mean I can finally afford to get my wife the pool she’s always wanted,” said top salesman Donovan Muldoon. “Those little germ factories are going to help kill off everyone in their house so fast that I don’t know if we’ll be able to keep up. If I’m lucky, COVID-19 will evolve to be more deadly for kids, and I might be able to sell some of the child-sized coffins we’ve had in storage.”

Potential casket occupants in the greater Flagstaff area, initially outraged by the callous sale, were nevertheless intrigued by the low price points.

“Parents are in a very tough spot right now: I either don’t work and try to homeschool my kid, or I send them to school and wait for them to bring home a deadly disease. This is a lose-lose situation. With that being said, I’ve never seen a mahogany casket with velvet interior for $350,” said single parent Elsye Ommari. “I’d be stupid not to at least stop by their store and see what sort of deals they have. My parents babysit my third-grader a lot, so maybe I can buy coffins for them as well and get a two-for-one discount or something.”

Consumer trends expert Alicia O’Brien noted that lots of end-of-life businesses are trying to cash in on America’s complete botching of the COVID-19 outbreak.

“The economy is struggling right now, and the service and live event industries are basically non-existent, but if you look closely you see heightened activity in less desirable sectors,” said O’Brien. “One county in California banned people from spreading loved ones’ ashes outdoors because there was so much dead body dust floating around, it was covering cars and killing the fish in local waterways. If you sell burial plots or run a funeral home, you’re stacking cash right now.”

“Billionaires are also doing great,” added O’Brien. “It’s amazing how they were able to bilk the working class out of even more money.”

In related news, the Mead and Lisa Frank corporations are both exploring the logistics of offering middle school-friendly casket options.

Legendary Metal Band Reunites After 7 Year Breakup to Announce Shitty Craft Beer Release

Posted on by Zac Lux

LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal band Goop has reunited after seven years apart to release a boring, flavorless craft beer dubbed “Goop Soup,” disappointed fans and beer drinkers confirm.

“We felt like it was finally time to put our egos aside and get back together. Financially speaking, of course,” said 50-year-old lead vocalist Raul Moss. “What can I say? I missed these guys, but I also really missed making oodles of cash for doing little to no work while getting super laid. When I saw these other bands slapping their logo on a can of beer, I saw my retirement plan: I knew we had to get on the train, lest we be left at the station,” he said, apparently referencing Goop’s ‘80s smash hit “Gooptrain to Sexville.”

Fans could not be more pissed off about the new release.

“What the hell, man?” said Andrew Hoffman, a devout “Gooper Trooper.” “When I heard they were getting back together, I assumed it meant new music, but all they’ve released are knick-knacks and cereal boxes. They even went through the expensive, ridiculously arduous task of building a mobile phone game. I’d really love for them to at least do a reunion tour. If the beer is the only thing they think is feasible, I mean, obviously I’m going to buy it. But I’m not going to be happy about it.”

Cristina Duggan, owner and head brewer of the North American Brewers’ subsidiary Leather on Metal Brewery, thinks the trend of shitty, unflavored, metal-themed beer will only grow.

“It happens all the time,” said Duggan. “We’ve whipped up so many different batches of beer to keep up with these hackless bands we’ve just said, ‘Fuck it’ — we’ve got one recipe for all of them, and just give the cans different labels. It’s all the same boring crap: watered-down IPA with tree bark concentrate and red food coloring to make it look ‘badass,’ and $12 a bottle for basically a dyed Bud Light. It upsets me as a beer fan, but as a brewery owner, I couldn’t be happier.”

At press time, fans were too drunk off Goop Soup to comment.

Man Shocked Meathead Cop with “Punisher” Tattoo Doesn’t Read the Comic Books

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SIOUX CITY, Iowa. — Local man Derrick Carney was mercilessly beaten within an inch of his life last night not long after learning that police officer Marcus Brady does not read comic books despite having a “Punisher” skull tattoo, sources accusing Carney of being a “Soros plant” confirmed.

“You might say I’m optimistic to a fault, but I don’t like to generalize any group of people, even cops,” Carney said through his wired shut jaw. “When I saw Ofc. Brady’s tattoo, I asked him if he ever read Garth Ennis’s run on ‘Punisher Max.’ That’s when the baton whacks started. I tried to reason with him and told him, ‘This isn’t a very Frank Castle thing to do,’ but he just screamed, ‘Who the fuck is that?’ and turned off his body cam.”

Ofc. Brady defended his ink despite a lack of “Punisher” knowledge.

“Derrrrrrr, skull man cool. Officer Brady Saw skull man movie once. Skull was good, so officer Brady get skull drawing. Now I skull man,” explained the decorated officer, who graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. “Skull man hurt bad people, like police. Is skull man police? No. But skull man good. So police good.”

Ofc. Brady then defecated in his pants and issued everyone within 50 feet a citation for “embarrassing an officer by taking a shit in his pants.”

Police union representative Courtney Houghton commented on police fascination with the logo.

“Yes, I’m well aware that many police officers have adopted the ‘Punisher’ iconography, and I know that Marvel has scolded law enforcement for it in interviews. Let me just say this to Marvel: consider yourself lucky most cops consider reading ‘pussy shit’ and wouldn’t be caught dead doing it. Otherwise, they’d be pissed,” said Houghton. “And by the way, I used to read ‘Punisher’ back in the day before he was an anti-hero, when he was a violent, sociopathic villain who was never held accountable for his actions. Tell me that doesn’t sound exactly like the average cop?”

More recently, some officers are getting tattoos of the Marvel character “Red Skull,” insisting that they just think the skull looks cool and that it has nothing to do with Red Skull being a literal Nazi.

We Wanted To Cover the RNC While on Ketamine but We Took Too Much and They Gave Us a Speaking Slot

Posted on by Aidan Sears

With the Verhoevian monster truck rally that is the Republican National Convention finally upon us, we here at The Hard Times decided that the only way to properly cover it would be with some good old fashioned gonzo journalism. So we got some British teens to ship us what we assume is pretty good ketamine and got down to business.

But upon discovering that my scale is broken and that I have a great misunderstanding of how much a key bump is, I ended up entering a k-hole that not only led to no writing progress whatsoever but also led to me being given a speaking slot at the Convention on Wednesday night. And that is completely my bad.

I first felt my limbs and eyes go numb on Monday around the time when Donald Trump joked that he would be in office another 12 years. Despite the fact that I felt like there were three of me and two of them had fallen into an abyss in my sofa, I opened my laptop and sent some email questions to every Convention speaker I could find, only stopping when I could no longer use my hands and was rubbing my face on the keyboard.

I then somehow ended up in a video chat with RNC Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel, and although speaking a single word felt like it required me to unlock a combination with my tongue, we had what I thought was a heated journalistic back-and-forth of anywhere from 5 minutes to 16 hours. It wasn’t until I came out of my k-hole the next day that I saw that she had commended me for everything I said and that in my free-associating dissociative stupor, I “more clearly evoked the current ethos of the Republican Party than anyone she had ever met.”

So now all I have to show for my efforts is a prime time speaking slot sandwiched between Mike Pence and a QAnoner, as well as several dozen grams of ketamine still left. And while it may be my journalistic duty to use this platform for good, that ketamine isn’t going to boof itself. So, stay tuned.

Small Town’s Punk Scene Named Denise

Posted on by Rob Walker

MOFFAT, Colo. — The entire local punk scene of a small town in southern Colorado is named Denise Killian, age 27, a lone source reports.

“I learned about punk mostly from the internet, and I guess a lot of places are blessed with a community of people to make art with and stuff… but there’s just no one here who’s into it,” Killian explained. “The closest thing to a scene around here is the Planned Parenthood in Pueblo, along with that old townie who picks up the cans and really hates Monsanto. He said he saw a dead raccoon over at the gravel pit, and I think it could be perfect for an album cover, so that’s something.”

Despite several attempts to recruit more to join her as part of the local scene, all so far have declined her offers and were later dismissed as “normie trash.”

“At first, she’d always ask me to give her a ride to Denver to see bands, but that’s like four hours away and my parents would freak,” said 17-year-old Food Town Grocery cashier and Killian’s coworker, Dana Simms. “Then she said we should start a band because she’s got lyrics, and I won first place soprano sax solo last year at regionals. I told her I’d think about it, but 4H takes a huge bite out of my schedule.”

Killian has largely carried the scene on her back through zine distribution and informing “posers” of their poor musical and fashion choices.

“Denise works so hard on her little magazine; she’s had it for about a year now. I could see her becoming the next editor of Harpers,” reported Killian’s mother Lynn of her daughter’s zine, The Snatch Rag. “But I did overhear her yelling at someone about a Sex Pistols crop top earlier this morning, so I’ll have to have a word. Lord knows I’ll be hearing about it on Sunday.”

In related news, the small town scene of Veazie, Maine was declared dead early this morning after its lone member, Virginia Hedges, passed away following a lengthy battle with cancer.

New Strongman Competition Makes You Remove Little Plastic Piece From Joy-Con After It’s Been Put on Upside Down

Posted on by Andy Holt

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — The World’s Strongest Man competition announced a new annual event, in which entrants will compete to remove the small plastic attachment from a Nintendo Switch Joy Con after it’s been slid on the wrong way.

“Fans already love our extreme events, like the truck pull and the anvil toss. We thought we’d step up to something even more challenging this year,” said a spokesperson for the contest. “Some of our athletes have already threatened to quit, saying the new event is too hard. But that’s what World’s Strongest Man is all about — pushing the limits of the human body.”

For gamers, attaching the Joy Con cover upside down is considered a great personal hardship, as they must risk serious injury in order to remove it and get back to playing. The strongest people on earth, on the other hand, saw it as a thrilling challenge.

“We take a lot of risks to do what we do. Torn muscles, herniated discs, even broken bones. But the Joy Con event is pushing it to a whole new level,” said Martins Licis, current holder of the World’s Strongest Man title. “I started training last week, and I’m already nursing a brutal little pinch on my fingey.”

The competition hoped the addition would bring more gamers into the audience, but it backfired, as many gamers considered the event disrespectful.

“I’ve lost some precious hours of gaming to that little plastic piece. Is it my fault that I didn’t look at the plus sign and minus sign to make sure they’re lined up? Sure. Does that make me feel any better about being a grown woman spending 30 minutes trying to get it off? No,” said local gamer Sarah Grant. “My life isn’t some kind of silly game. Have some respect.”

Unconfirmed reports also suggested another new event: pushing the television stand forward to check if the HDMI cable is connected.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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