Every The Shins Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

As your standard-issue millennial hipster, I love The Shins. I wore out several iPods listening to them and The Postal Service, almost exclusively. Sure, I was introduced to the band through the 2004 film “Garden State,” but I quickly graduated to their actual albums. Despite my trepidation to watch Zach Braff’s movie now that I’m an adult, I am not at all hesitant to revisit The Shins’ records. I’m confident that they hold up. In fact, if you want to know exactly how well each album has stood the test of time, you can just check out the list below.

Honorable Mention: The Worm’s Heart (2018)

I, uh, don’t really know what to do with this one. It’s simultaneously not quite a remix album and not quite its own thing. It consists of alternate arrangements of each track from “Heartworms” and feels like it should have been released as a bonus disc for the album’s 25th-anniversary edition. Conceptually, it’s a pretty neat idea, and I like some of the tracks well enough. If I’m sitting down to listen to The Shins, though, I’m almost always going to ignore it in favor of their actual, y’know, albums.

 

 

5. Heartworms (2017)

Part of me wants to say that this album was where James Mercer ran out of creative gas. I mean, he shuttered the entire project without releasing another record after this one, so it kind of tracks, right? It’s very easy to think that the reason I never want to listen to “Heartworms” is because it’s just not a worthwhile listen. It couldn’t possibly be that I was closing in on thirty when it was released, right? I’m sure my appetite for indie pop will remain as insatiable as it was when I was a hormonal teenager, no matter how old I get. To think anything else would be admitting that my own colors are fading, and that’s impossible.

Play it again: “Cherry Hearts”
Skip it: “Painting a Hole”

4. Port of Morrow (2012)

I really do like “Port of Morrow,” in the way that you like a non-favored cat. See, unlike children, you’re allowed to like your pets to varying degrees — and even dislike them, if they suck. I don’t think “Port of Morrow” sucks, and I don’t dislike it, but my phone isn’t filled with pictures of it. When I get home from work, I don’t pet “Port of Morrow” before I greet my wife. I don’t even have a single nickname for it, let alone dozens like “Po-Po” or “Porty-Morty, My Handsome Little Soldier.” Still, I’ve definitely spent some happy hours curled up on the couch with it, and that’s not too shabby.

Play it again: “Simple Song”
Skip it: “40 Mark Strasse”

3. Oh, Inverted World (2001)

Please don’t get mad at me. I love this album! Some of the songs on it altered my brain chemistry on a fundamental level! Honestly, these top three are basically a 1A/1B/1C situation, but the ancient rules of ranking require me to put them into some kind of hierarchy. See, the system is to blame, not me. In any case, I’ll take Mercer’s advice. I will not betray the way I’ve always known it is: I probably listened to the “Garden State” soundtrack more times than “Oh, Inverted World,” and I don’t feel that bad about it.

Play it again: Natalie Portman told you the answer to this twenty years ago.
Skip it: “Weird Divide”

2. Wincing the Night Away (2007)

I’ll admit, a lot of my affection for “Wincing the Night Away” might have to do with the fact that I was a teenager going through my vinyl phase when it was released. Despite any hipster prejudice I might have had in favor of the rapidly-warping record sitting in direct sunlight on my bookshelf, it’s a great album. It still feels like it’s in the same vein as its two predecessors but with significantly better production. The band’s next two albums would see the dismissal of long-time members, and The Shins have never really felt the same since. So, if anyone is looking to buy a lovingly-used copy of this wonderful record, drop me a line.

Play it again: “Australia”
Skip it: “Pam Berry”

1. Chutes Too Narrow (2003)

It is just about impossible for me to listen to “Kissing the Lipless” and not follow through with a full-album listen of “Chutes Too Narrow.” From the moment those goofy little claps play in the intro, I am totally hooked. This is an earnest opinion, but I’ll admit that it’s a take that gave me a ton of indie cred in high school. “Oh, you like The Shins? Me, too! Except all of my favorite songs are from the album you’ve never even heard of, poser. Don’t worry; I’ll help you. You can take one of my earbuds and we’ll listen to it together. Please don’t look at my face during the bridge of “Young Pilgrims.” I will be crying.”

Play it again: “Young Pilgrims”
Skip it: “Those to Come” (Save yourself some time and just restart the album after “Gone for Good”)

Gaping Hole in Life Momentarily Filled With Purchase of Band Shirt

Posted on by Trevor Graham

TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Collin Pike very briefly filled the gaping hole of emptiness in his life by impulsively buying a band shirt he was served an ad for on social media, sources who didn’t look up from their phone report.

“So there I was just sitting and scrolling through Instagram for hours on end in a feeble attempt to just feel anything when suddenly I saw an ad for a repress of an old Green Day shirt I’ve always wanted,” said Pike, a 42-year-old account manager. “It was the ‘Kerplunk’ shirt, you know the one with the girl holding the gun? I Instantly clicked buy now and bought it (with express shipping) and for a depressingly short time period the wave of dopamine hit my system and helped me to briefly forget what a meaningless barren shell my life has become.”

His wife reports however that Collin’s shirt-buying habit may have an unforeseen downside.

“He does this all the time. He stays up late looking at his phone and buying random shirts from bands he liked when he was young,” said Molly Pike. “It’s become such a common thing for him that our closet is over-flowing band shirts. Last week he bought a Goatsnake shirt, Seriously, who is even listening to Goatsnake in 2023? And the worst part is instead of finding a fulfilling hobby or maybe even a job he doesn’t hate, he just keeps buying band shirts.”

Addiction expert Marla Cohen says for some breaking the cycle of the quick euphoric feeling from buying band shirts can be almost impossible to overcome.

“The phenomena of aging scenesters buying band shirts to try to feel something in their life has become an epidemic,” said Cohen. “My team has helped many recover from drugs including cocaine, oxycontin, and even heroin, but when it comes to sad middle-aged independent music fans buying old band shirts there really seems to be no cure. The worst part is that these record labels and music distros that push these shirts onto the public are complicit in this epidemic.”

At press time, Collin said he was trying to kick the habit of buying band shirts but had succumbed to his vices when he saw that Revelation Records had re-released the classic Champion brand Judge hoodie and he just “had to have it.”

Fill the gaping hole in your life, buy something from our store:

Las Vegas Tourists Checking Out Futuristic Sphere Tricked Into Listening to U2

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LAS VEGAS — Tourists recently visiting the Sphere attraction in Las Vegas expressed their displeasure with being tricked into listening to U2, according to sources still trying to get Discothèque out of their heads.

“We just wanted some pics of that cool building,” stated Virginian Travis Billings. “But as soon as we got close to the entrance, a short man wearing a black beanie pushed us inside, trapping us with thousands of others. At first we thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, but turns out it was a U2 concert. Larry Mullen Jr. and Adam Clayton confiscated everyone’s phones, while Bono chased down a woman from Denmark who made a run for it, clubbing her over the head with his microphone as a warning to others. Hours later when we finally got our phones back, their entire discography was downloaded onto them. In retrospect, maybe being kidnapped by Boko Haram would have been less painful.”

Frontman Bono explained that fooling people to attend their concerts was necessary.

“That’s showbiz, baby,” sang Bono while swaying slightly in place. “People think it’s easy packing an eighteen thousand seat venue every night, but they don’t realize how difficult it is to get people to willingly listen to ‘Zooropa.’ About half of our audience are made up of die-hard fans while the other half are mostly families just coming in to escape the oppressive desert heat, or as we like to call them, ‘easy pickins.’ Uh oh, looks like someone else is trying to escape. We’ll just let our pack of Rottweilers handle this one.” 

Mayor of Las Vegas Carolyn Goodman has received numerous complaints about the musicians.

“Just because this is the city where ‘anything goes’ doesn’t mean you can hold tourists hostage,” explained Goodman. “Since these guys came into town, not a week goes by when someone doesn’t complain about an impromptu U2 concert breaking out. And no place is safe, they’ve cornered people everywhere from random buffets to even car washes. I have no choice but to table a motion with the city council to add them to our list of invasive species. The next step is a cull.” 

At press time, a busload of German tourists realized that a mysterious new Cirque Du Soleil show they had never heard of turned out to be Bono giving a seven-hour TedTalk about dreams. 



Venue Owners Living Merch Cut to Merch Cut

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

DENVER – A recent study on the economic well-being of large corporate venue owners found that a surprising number are living merch cut to merch cut.

“It’s been a rough couple of years,” said John Hender, the head of Shining Star Entertainment Group and owner of the Tostitos Bowl, a 15,000-seat arena in Littleton. “Profit margins on $28 beers are the thinnest they’ve ever been and we’ve been looking for new revenue opportunities since bonuses ate away our PPP loan. Merch cuts definitely aren’t what they used to be, but they’re the only thing keeping the lights on in this place. Musicians make a living on their talent and creativity, and who could put a price on that? The least they can do is share their wealth. It’s a difficult choice for us and we don’t do it lightly, but musicians should be proud that their merch is helping us keep such a historic part of the local scene open during a difficult time.”

Despite many venue owners’ insistence that merch cuts would not exceed a meager 40% of sales, many musicians criticized the business opportunity.

“It’s absolute horseshit. We invest in the merch, we set it up, we do the inventory, all they do is provide a small sliver of real estate for us to set up our table and at the end of the night they won’t let us leave until they check out inventory counts” said bassist Clark Funtz of Denver-based alt-rock trio Spiteface. “I have to keep dodging the venue staff looking for their cut. Luckily I was able to trap one of them in a broom closet, but he’ll probably find his way out of there in a couple hours.”

Economists have noticed similar trends in other industries.

”Across the board, we’re seeing hard-working people having to tighten their belts in these trying times,” said market analyst Henry Ruddick. “I’ve seen payday loan companies triple their interest rates to make ends meet, and it’s sad to see such a predatory industry forced to do that. It doesn’t matter what your assets are in this economy–we’ve seen landlords getting backed into a corner by luxury car payments and being forced to raise rents just to put food on the tables. ”

At press time, corporate-owned venues were considering adding metered parking for tour buses in their parking lots.

How To Tell Your Friends You Love Them Without Sounding Like You’re About To Kill Yourself

Posted on by Alec Walker

Every time I tell my friends I love them, they don’t say it back. They just say, “Are you ok?” It’s sweet, but also a little weird that when I show the tiniest bit of emotion they take it as a sign I’m suicidal. This can’t be my fault, so it must be theirs. Here are some tips on how to tell your friends you love them without sounding like you’re about to kill yourself.

Tip #1 – Give them a gift that shows you love them instead of saying it.

Like, you could get them a pet chimpanzee! Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone an abnormal, unsolicited gift that requires highly specialized care. Every time they have to clean its stinky, dangerous cage, they’ll think of you.

Tip #2 – Love-bomb them.

An hour shouldn’t pass without sending a lengthy video about how much they mean to you. Require that they reciprocate, otherwise, you’ll send an even longer message cussing them out. Make the word love lose all meaning. Your friends can’t worry you’re about to kill yourself if it’s the preferred outcome!

Tip #3 – Scream it at them in public.

Explode the blood vessels in your eyes in rage. Rocket spit out of your foaming mouth as you burst their eardrums with your thunderous love-shouting. Doing this publicly with no awareness of all the people around you looking on in abject terror will subtly hint to your friends that you don’t want to kill yourself because you’ll probably kill them first.

Tip #4 – Preface every interaction with an unprompted “I promise I’m not going to kill myself.”

How could they think you’re going to kill yourself if you just said that you won’t? Oh, by the way, I promise I’m not going to kill myself.

Tip #5 – Threaten to kill yourself daily.

Seriously. I know this seems like it contradicts the previous tip, but in reality, it complements it. Any time you’re minorly inconvenienced, proclaim this is your last day on Earth, then never go through with it. If you’re constantly ping-ponging between life and death, they’ll just stop listening to you altogether.

Anyway, I promise I’m not going to kill myself. Let me know if these tips worked for you, and if not, I’m going to kill myself. I love you!

Eight Songs We Listened to This Week to Lure Jared Leto Down From The Empire State Building

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Music is supposed to be a great equalizer, but when your playlists come on friends scream at you and family members disown you. It’s devastating to feel so unwanted and you might be wondering where the rift began. Before you try to improve your taste in a futile attempt to worm yourself back into the hearts of loved ones, you should really let the professionals take over. Since said professionals refuse to return our phone calls, we’ve decided to take a stab at compiling a list of songs you can play to get your siblings and acquaintances to speak to you again.

Sleater-Kinney “Say It Like You Mean It”

Sleater-Kinney is currently preparing to release their eleventh album – and second since longtime drummer Janet Weiss left the band – ‘Little Rope.’ With production from the oft-coveted John Congleton, the album promises to continue the expansion of the group’s sound. Their latest single ‘Say It Like You Mean It’ cements their recent sonic explorations, tying lofty new-wave synth pads together with Carrie Brownstein and Corin Tucker’s angular guitar work and melodic sentiment. It’s a layered epic that calls to mind what your indie band might sound like if your guitarist tried to give a shit for once in their life.

Liquid Mike “Mouse Trap”

The dream of the ’90s is clearly thriving in Marquette, Michigan thanks to the prolific power-pop outfit Liquid Mike, whose most recent self-titled album recently took social media by storm this spring. Not intent on losing their ever-growing hype, the band announced yet another album, ‘Paul Bunyan’s Slingshot’ and released its lead single ‘Mouse Trap.’ It’s a bubbly and fuzzed out track that raises serious concerns about the supposed ‘American Dream.’ Imagine if Weezer never stopped being bad and managed to develop some lyrical bite for once and you’ll be in the ballpark of Liquid Mike.

Mother Mother “The Matrix”

Canada’s Mother Mother wants you to break out of your shell. On their latest single “The Matrix” – which precedes their upcoming ninth studio album, “Grief Chapter” – the band delivers a simple yet uplifting message: you and everyone you know is going to die. After you’re done sobbing about this, you can focus on the lyrics that encourage you to live your life once you’ve found the courage to break out of ‘The Matrix.’ With any luck, you won’t be covered in weird goopy shit like Keanu Reeves when you decide to finally leave your house.

cool sorcery “paranoid”

Have you ever wondered what Black Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’ would sound like if it were played at nearly twice the tempo and had several organ solos? Wonder no more, because Brazilian producer Marcos Assis has delivered a nightmare cover of the track via his solo project cool sorcery. The rendition is as fun as it is confounding melding equal parts drone, punk, and psych into one of our favorite covers of the year.

Fuming Mouth “Respect & Blasphemy”

Fuming Mouth has been making absolutely bone-shattering metal for a decade now. Their latest and sophomore album ‘Last Day of Sun’ finds their lead singer and guitarist, Mark Whelan, processing his recent battle with leukemia, which is thankfully in remission. Themes of death and triumph play out as the band delivers its most powerful arrangements to date, as if all involved had been given a second chance at life. The relentless ‘Respect & Blasphemy’ rides a fine line between death metal and hardcore, resulting in some deliriously heavy riffs and breakdowns that would make even the hardest of contemporaries blush and run back to the drawing board.

Silent Planet “Offworlder”

Last week, California metalcore outfit Silent Planet released somewhat of a magnum opus with ‘Superbloom.’ It’s an intense ride that condenses several of the band’s best attributes while adding a futuristic sheen. Album highlight “Offworlder” showcases the past and future of Silent Planet and packs such a punch that one of our writers broke several thousand dollars worth of computer equipment in our office upon first listen.

Laura Jane Grace “Hole In My Head”

After two notably stripped back EP’s, ‘At War With The Silverfish’ and ‘Stay Alive,’ Laura Jane Grace announced her newest LP ‘Hole In My Head.’ She also shared the title track, which is a total fucking ripper and the loudest thing she’s done in years. Featuring Grace on both guitar and drums with bass provided by Matt Patton of Drive By Truckers, ‘Hole In My Head’ is a dazzling return to form for the singer-songwriter. Featuring her signature abrasive guitar work and patented scream along vocals, this track is sure to have you running to get you ill-fitting Against Me! shirt out of storage.

Jumprope “Oh Wow”

Now that the year is coming to an end, we’ve been combing through every single album and EP that has come out in 2023. We’ve only made it to February releases so far, which means we have been blessed with the sweet sounds of Texas garage-rock heroes ‘Jumprope.’ To celebrate the rediscovery, our Managing Editor has instituted a mandatory weekly fitness program called ‘Jumropin’ to Jumprope.’ There have been seven heart attacks in the writers’ room since.

Did you know that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that there are like… a fuckton of other songs on it too? Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

“I Used to Dabble in Music” Says Man Referring to 4th Grade Rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” on Recorder

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

BURBANK, Calif. — Local showgoer Pete Tucker was seen telling a seasoned musician about how he also used to dabble in music himself, despite merely referring to his time spent playing “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder in elementary school, several sources report.

“That’s right. I used to dip my toe in music here and there,” Tucker revealed to the band’s guitarist with the confidence of every rock star in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. “I had a pretty prolific music career ahead of me, if I wanted. I was a bit of a prodigy back in the day, but you know responsibilities get in the way when you’re nine years old. I found I couldn’t continue the pursuit of my musical talent after the fourth grade and left the industry. I could’ve easily been a modern-day Mozart if I stuck with it.”

Witnesses say things got dicey when guitarist Amanda Hodgkins began questioning Tucker about what instrument he played.

“I got the vibe he was trying to impress us so I asked Pete what he played and he brazenly responded ‘ahh…recorder, which is pretty much the same as a guitar if you really think about it’ but then quickly attempted to change the subject,” said Hodgkins. “I tried to act impressed but when I asked if he knew how to play any tunes he started saying ‘jeez is it getting hot in here or what?’ and tried to change the subject again. I’m not sure what the fuck that’s about but it’s always good to find out his range before I ask if he wants to jam on stage sometime.”

Pete’s fourth grade music teacher Francine Gibson confirmed his brief musical career.

“He was quite the spitfire on the recorder for four months in which he played the three notes of ‘Hot Cross Buns’ with pride and gusto,” said Gibson. “His career peaked at the fourth grade mandatory music performance in our auditorium after which he left the music class to pursue ‘more important things’ in Pete’s words such as playing on swings and raising a Tamagotchi. I’m happy to send along archival footage of the performance to whoever needs it, if he needs to make a demo tape of sorts.”

At press time, Pete was seen fumbling around his parents’ attic looking for his recorder to revive his musical talent for “Hot Cross Buns” in case the band reached out for a gig.

Eight Things You Didn’t Know About “SLC Punk!”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Think you know everything about the classic punk subculture film “SLC PUNK!”? Think again! These mind-blowing facts will change the way you view this 100% accurate totally not bullshit take on ’80s punk in America forever!

James Merendino was inspired to write “SLC PUNK!” after seeing a mohawk in real life

In a 2015 Reddit AMA, Merendino recalled the moment that inspired him to write “SLC Punk!”

“I was at a coffee shop wondering what my deeply personal autobiographical movie should be about and all of a sudden in walked a man with the craziest hair I had ever seen in my life. He was bald, but he had this sort of red shark fin growing out the middle and sticking straight up! Naturally I asked him how much money he was saving at the barber by skipping the middle part of the head like that, and when he told me he had done it on purpose I was compelled. I thought to myself ‘I’ve just got to put that hair into my life’s story.'”

Merendino went on to explain that as he wrote about what his youth might have been like with hair like that, a sort of snowball effect took place.

“I was talking about the crazy hair man non-stop to anyone who would listen, and in return they were feeding me all this great stuff. One friend told me ‘That hair style is from a sub-culture called ‘The Punk Movement.’ Great, I’ll put it in the movie. My cousin said to me ‘Sometimes they do the hair blue or green instead of red.’ Great, I’ll put it in the movie. At some point someone said ‘Some of the punk people are women.’ I found that a little hard to believe, but hey, it’s a movie, why not?!”

In the end, Merendino credits the crazy hair man for helping him figure out what it is he wanted to say with his movie.

“I was determined to prove that the weird and crazy hair man was incorrect for having his hair all crazy like that instead of attending Harvard University, and within a few weeks I had completed my first draft of ‘Hair Idiots,’ later renamed ‘SLC PUNK!'”

Matthew Lillard never stopped breaking the 4th wall

Sometimes playing a complicated role can have a lasting and troubling effect on an immersive actor. As anyone whose seen the Scooby Doo live-action movie can tell you, there is no actor more immersive than Mathew Lillard.

Lillard recalls being warned about the dangers of portraying a character as complex and darkly nuanced as Stevo by a respected acting veteran.

“I got a call in my hotel room one morning and it was Jack Nicholson! He said ‘Matthew Lillard this is Jack Nicholson from ‘Terms of Endearment.” I know we’ve never met, but I understand you’ve been cast as Stevo, the hair idiot. Be c-a-r-e-f-u-l. That man’s hair is crazy, and it will warp your mind. I should know. I was in “Terms of Endearment’ after all.’ I thought ole’ Jack was just being cooky, but looking back, I wish I had taken him more seriously.”

Friends and family are burdened to this day as Lillard will randomly look to an imagined camera and break down whatever situation or conversation he’s involved in from the perspective of Stevo, then return to Lillard form as if nothing happened.

“Last week I was giving a speech at a friend’s wedding and all a sudden I blacked out. When I came to people told me I went on a 5-minute rant that Marriage is an archaic institution designed to reinforce the status quo set forth by our cis-white patriarchal slave-owning corporate founders and has nothing to do with love. I’m not even sure what that means.”

There were originally more tribes

The movie’s dueling factions of  Punks, Mods, Neo-nazis, Rednecks, Heavy Metal Guys, and New Wavers were initially more expansive, and complicated!

As James Merendino would later explain “I wanted to weave a rich tapestry of all the players, the politics involved in a social scene comprised of many dueling factions. That’s why the tribes of Salt Lake were originally rounded out by Mimes, Orcs, The Baseball Furries, Leather Daddys, and the Burger King Kids Club, the latter of which I had hoped to sell as a product promotion but was ultimately sued over.”

The first draft had flourishes of genius — a tale of incredibly complex interplay involving espionage, intrigue, alliances, betrayals, and incest. It collapsed under its own weight and was eventually reduced to everyone beating each other up.

The failure still haunts Merendino.

“‘Game of Thrones’ would eventually get it right, but I can’t take credit for that. Well, not all the credit anyway, some of it for sure.”

The movie syncs perfectly with Berkshire’s 2023 annual shareholders meeting!

Warren Buffet says “Due process” at the exact moment Mike breaks the cop’s windshield, it’s uncanny!

Merendino assured viewers this was merely a coincidence. “We made the movie in the late ’90s, we had no access to a meeting that would happen two and half decades later. There is a chance those billionaires were big fans of the movie and did it on purpose, but I’ve tried talking with Warren Buffet and he said if I keep trying to contact him I will be ‘dealt with accordingly.'”

The Utah Mod scene is stronger than ever

If you’re not blasting Roxy Music from your Vespa scooter in Salt Lake you’re basically nobody.

Local mod enthusiast Karen Harper says it’s harder than ever to find stylish clothing at local thrift stores thanks to the popularity of the movie. “I’ve had to travel out of state to find fedoras and long jackets because the racks at the local Goodwill are always bare. Don’t even get me started on how hard it is to find a sharp looking sweater or a pair of nice boots.”

The character of Heroin Bob went through several different versions in pre-production

In an early draft of the script, the character we know as Heroin Bob was called Gorilla Sex Accident Bob, and was characterized by his hatred of sex with Gorillas. In this version, he ironically died in a gorilla sex accident.

To get into the mindset of a man who does not do heroin, actor Michael A. Goorjian abstained from doing heroin for the entire shoot

“That was the longest 6 weeks of my life and I would not do it again,” a comfortably strung-out Goorjian later admitted.

The actor was so comfortable with needles in real life he would make a show of shooting up on set. He reportedly would toss a loaded syringe in the air, catch it in one of his veins, and then depress the plunger by encouraging another actor to throw a hot baked potato at his arm from across the room.

SLC Punk! Isn’t the movie you’re thinking of

You’re actually thinking of Empire Records. Which is the better movie if everyone is being honest here.

Taylor Swift Tells Swifties It’s Almost Time to Shed Their Physical Bodies and Ascend

Posted on by Sean Fallon

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Pop megastar Taylor Swift shocked fans all over the country when she broadcast a message that it is almost time to shed their physical bodies and ascend, multiple excited sources confirmed.

“Mother is feeding us well. We’ve been waiting for this day for years and I’m reading to take my place beside her in our new interdimensional realm where ex-boyfriends do all our bidding,” said Tabitha Knight, a devout Taylor Swift fan since 2006. “I mean, when she appeared on my TV staring straight ahead, without blinking, and her eyes began to multiply so she was basically a biblical angel, I was, like, slay. She can do no wrong. My favorite part was when she jammed her head inside Travis Kelce’s sternum and then he exploded. They look on his face, he didn’t see it coming at all.”

Some parents of Swift fans around the world have voiced concern at this announcement while others have seen this as a blessing.

“I’m so tired,” said Maura Croft, parent to Ashley and Marcus, two devout Swifties. “We’ve been following the Eras tour across the country for months and I’m completely out of money and energy. I’m hoping and begging this ascension means I can finally stop and rest. My life is just a series of missed highway exits, 7/11 coffee, and making motherfucking friendship bracelets. I’m praying that Taylor takes her fans wherever she goes or she just lets me die.”

Tyler Duffly, a spokesperson for Taylor Swift, was unsure how the announcement would be received.

“At first I thought, is this Heaven’s Gate (Taylor’s Version)?” said Tyler on a call from the secure compound the Swifties are gathering at. “But then Taylor laid her hands on me and cured my hair loss. After that she levitated three feet in the air, sang the chorus of a new American national anthem, then sprouted a third eye in the center of her forehead. And then I thought, Beyonce ain’t doing this shit.”

As the time for ascension approaches, Swifties are united in a simple hope that Kanye West doesn’t show up and ruin things, and also that they’ll get “Reputation (Taylor’s Version)” before they shed their physical form and become beams of light.

Mom Not Sure Which Emoji Combo to Use to Indicate Your Dad Had a Stroke

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ST. PAUL, Minn. —  Your mom cited general confusion and a lack of tech-savvy when she wasn’t sure which emoji combo to use to inform you and your siblings that your father had suffered a stroke, multiple sources confirmed.

“I mean, I know the kids are gonna be miffed at me,” said your mom. “But what could I do? It was a medical frickin’ emergency over here. I didn’t have time to waste typing things all out. I just needed to rattle off some of those cute little pictures. I was thinking of using the cute man, then maybe a blood drop, the brain would be nice, oh oh the head exploding guy. I use that when I text my kids about ‘CSI’ reruns. Then the ambulance and the crying guy like four times. But… then, I’d really like to find a way to work in that cute little eggplant emoji I see everyone use. It’s autumnal. Makes me want to make some roasted vegetables. Oh, anyway, we’re at the hospital now.”

Despite best attempts to decipher your mother’s cryptic yet urgent text, family members remain in a state of puzzled confusion.

“Do you have any idea what Mom’s text meant?” asked your brother Mark over the phone while smoking a cigarette on his break. “It was just a man’s head surrounded by eggplants. I really don’t want to think too much about what that could possibly refer to. It’s possible she finally went to one of those key parties and maybe she took some drugs. I don’t know, she’s getting a little loopy these days. There is a distinct chance all this means is her cat is sleeping in a shoebox again.”

Dr. Amelia Gomez, your father’s attending physician, weighed in on your mother’s unorthodox communication.

“She [your mother] has definitely been keeping her spirits high at the hospital,” Gomez said. “At one point, she told me she needed to check out her ‘feel good stash,’ which had me worried. But it turned out to just be a bunch of saved Minion memes. She’s been on Facebook for upwards of four hours. Mind you, your dad has been in complete recovery for three of those, but she’s really seems to need the alone time.”

At press time, your mom had caused greater concern among family members by sending “😂🤣😭💀🍆,” though it is still unclear whether this is a grave update about your father’s condition or a simple reaction to the meme your sister sent in the family group chat.