We get it. You love Weezer almost as much as you love fucking. Trying to combine the best of both worlds in a steamy playlist? Here are ten songs to avoid at all costs.
10. “In the Garage”
Nerd alert! Look, we’re sure that your partner finds your dorkiness charming. We do too! Still, it’s best to skip this track as “twelve-sided die” is not a euphemism for a sex act and the song is just going to remind you of how much junk you have in storage.
9. “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To”
Want me to what? Use your words. Nobody likes to guess their partner’s needs. Clearly communicating what you want might not feel sexy, but it’s the hottest thing there is.
8. “Can’t Stop Partying”
You’d think this would be the sex jam of the century, but there’s no bigger turn-off than hearing a middle-aged man sing about how much he parties. Sure, the Lil Wayne verse has the potential to liven things up, but this track is still a risky addition.
7. “Across the Sea”
This is a great song to put on if you want to make it abundantly clear to your partner that you are not present in the current moment while simultaneously giving them the ick. There will be plenty of time to argue that Rivers Cuomo isn’t objectively a creep on this one after the deed is done. No need to spoil the moment now.
6. “Pork and Beans”
This is a demanding little number about doing your own thing, which can be pretty hot under the right circumstances. In bed, however, chances are your partner gives a hoot about what you think. You probably shouldn’t suggest that you don’t return the favor.
5. “Keep Fishin'”
The sentiment here is definitely sweet, but it’s hard not to think of the Muppets video that accompanied the track. This is just our opinion, though. We certainly don’t want to kink shame here. If you or your partner is into a little bit of puppet play, then by all means throw it on!
4. “Say It Ain’t So”
This classic references both alcoholism and masturbation, but not in the sexy way that makes you wish you wore looser pants or brought a towel to sit on. This is without mentioning that no one really wants to think about their father or step-father while getting down to business.
3. “Where’s My Sex?”
Entitled much? Where’s my foreplay? Rivers originally wrote this one about trying to find his socks, but then decided at the last minute to make the song as off-putting and, at times, incestuous as possible. Hard pass.
2. “Tired of Sex”
Is it an actual banger? Yes. Is it about sex? You bet. Still, the last thing anyone wants to hear in the midst of coitus is a song about a chronically depressed man who is exhausted from casually fucking the entire town in the span of a single week.
It’s a slow jam, and it’s about the time Rivers brutally killed an insect most likely by suffocation. But a further inspection of the lyrics makes us think it might be some sort of metaphor. Either way, avoid it next time you go to pound town.