Every time I tell my friends I love them, they don’t say it back. They just say, “Are you ok?” It’s sweet, but also a little weird that when I show the tiniest bit of emotion they take it as a sign I’m suicidal. This can’t be my fault, so it must be theirs. Here are some tips on how to tell your friends you love them without sounding like you’re about to kill yourself.
Tip #1 – Give them a gift that shows you love them instead of saying it.
Like, you could get them a pet chimpanzee! Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone an abnormal, unsolicited gift that requires highly specialized care. Every time they have to clean its stinky, dangerous cage, they’ll think of you.
Tip #2 – Love-bomb them.
An hour shouldn’t pass without sending a lengthy video about how much they mean to you. Require that they reciprocate, otherwise, you’ll send an even longer message cussing them out. Make the word love lose all meaning. Your friends can’t worry you’re about to kill yourself if it’s the preferred outcome!
Tip #3 – Scream it at them in public.
Explode the blood vessels in your eyes in rage. Rocket spit out of your foaming mouth as you burst their eardrums with your thunderous love-shouting. Doing this publicly with no awareness of all the people around you looking on in abject terror will subtly hint to your friends that you don’t want to kill yourself because you’ll probably kill them first.
Tip #4 – Preface every interaction with an unprompted “I promise I’m not going to kill myself.”
How could they think you’re going to kill yourself if you just said that you won’t? Oh, by the way, I promise I’m not going to kill myself.
Tip #5 – Threaten to kill yourself daily.
Seriously. I know this seems like it contradicts the previous tip, but in reality, it complements it. Any time you’re minorly inconvenienced, proclaim this is your last day on Earth, then never go through with it. If you’re constantly ping-ponging between life and death, they’ll just stop listening to you altogether.
Anyway, I promise I’m not going to kill myself. Let me know if these tips worked for you, and if not, I’m going to kill myself. I love you!