NASHVILLE — Musician John Oates revealed the highly publicized restraining taken out against him by his former bandmate Daryl Hall was an elaborate marketing stunt for manufacturers of a smokeless fire pit in order to bring friends closer together, confused sources confirmed.
“Oh man, that was some pretty crazy stuff they had Daryl say about me, but we were just so excited to partner with Fairway Outdoor on this new venture,” said Oates from backstage at the Tennessee Tractor Fair. “My solo career took a bit of a hit after that but it’ll be worth it once we get that fire pit money. And yeah the restraining order is very real, so technically I can’t go near Daryl until this is lifted or else I could spend 30 days in prison. We fooled you though, and this was all very fair and I’m happy we did it.”
Sales of the Fairway “I Can’t Go For That Smoke” smoke-free fire pit are already booming, with two units sold since its release Wednesday morning, Hall is hoping the collaboration will also kickstart the duo’s music career.
“People love a good song around the fire,” said Hall. “We’re pretty sure if we just hang around patio parties with our guitars someone will ask us to play. And without any smoke in the air to mess up our voices, they might not ask us to stop this time. I just hope John knows there were no hard feelings, all those things I said about him were for the love of outdoor appliances.”
The smokeless fire pit industry is well-known for having the most cutthroat, competitive culture in the business world.
“We just knew we had to outdo our competitors after we heard they were partnering with Snoop Dogg. So I thought to myself ‘Who are the biggest stars in the world?’ I looked at my record collections and the answer was clear, Hall and Oates,” said Brian Solomon, head of marketing at Fairway. “Sure getting a well-known stoner to ‘give up smoke’ for a few days was a clever idea to get attention, but we here at Fairway Outdoor know that if you want to really sell smokeless fire pits, you have to give the people raw drama. We had sources telling us Solo had a collab with Snoop in the works for quite some time, so to lay the groundwork for our campaign we instructed Daryl to start badmouthing John as early as 2022 when he denied that Oates was ever his true creative partner.”
Update: A shipment of the I Can’t Go For That Smoke smokeless fire pit was recently seen being unloaded at Nashville Liquidation Warehouse.
First up, some pumpkins. Yup, just some pumpkins. They probably won’t place very far in a no-holds-barred tournament, because they are just some pumpkins. No fists, no teeth, just a gourd.
Remember when that wimpy kid went sickhouse in that brutal fighting tournament to the death and totally dominated? No? Exactly. The blood of this balloon will drench the streets of Manhattan.
This cool cat doesn’t stand a chance. He was included after winning a contest allowing one of five NFT brands to participate in the parade and subsequent martial arts tournament. I guess NFT stands for No Fucking Training because this kitty is toast.
He’s a geriatric lizard who barely earned his place in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, he has no business in this notoriously brutal fight to the death. Bet on him to be brutally stomped out within the first minute of fighting.
When your name is a go-to insult, your odds of winning a martial arts tournament are fairly low. And we already know he’s weak in the stomach.
What happens when you put all of the fighting prowess of Danny DeVito into a sandwich-loving duck? You get a stomped fucking duck, that’s what happens. We aren’t sure who allowed this balloon to fight, but it should never have been sanctioned.
If this narc isn’t the lowest-ranking dog in the tournament we’ll eat our own hats. All cops are bastards, including the Paw Patrol.
Let’s face it, retail is dying, and the Macy’s Stars will be lucky to even place this highly. Maybe someone will get stabbed by one of their pointy parts, but that’s very unlikely.
Snoopy may be able to help the Boy Scouts of America do some much-needed damage control, but he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell surviving this tournament. Should have sent his cousin Spike, that guy knows a thing or two about survival.
These guys have been around since 1985, which is tenacious, but they get absolutely creamed every year. You think they would have learned their lesson by now, but here they are ready for more pain. You’re tenacious, snow crystal ornament balloons, we’ll give you that.
Tiptoe was created by Macy’s in 2021 and is one of the dirtiest fighters in the tournament. According to her corporate-generated back story, Tiptoe’s dream is to one day reach her full potential and join Santa’s sleigh team. It is a dream that will be tragically cut short after Thursday’s tournament. R.I.P Tiptoe.
It’s got a rope-a-dope type technique where it lets an opponent eat a bunch of the ice cream until the opponent is too full to defend themselves. It’ll work for a while, but the cone only has so much ice cream.
We’ve seen Bluey learn a lot of lessons over the years, but unfortunately for everyone’s favorite Australian Cattle dog, on Thursday morning she’s going to learn her hardest lesson yet: these balloons didn’t come to sing, they came to dish out pain.
So cute! So dead. No depth perception, no cardio, no formal combat training. Make sure your children are not watching, it will be a massacre.
We’re calling it, this is the year the Sinclair Oil company shill mascot finally dies, and good riddance. Imagine helping a company sell the decayed bodies of everyone you ever knew or loved to make a product that slowly kills the planet. Well, stop imagining because that’s exactly what this piece of shit dinosaur is doing.
Frankly, it’s been a long time coming. If you have kids, you know that Ryan’s humbling is long overdue and will be fucking epic. He might have a good showing against lesser fighters, but as soon as the competition stiffens he will be destroyed.
Sort of the wild card but we’re leaning high. Spongebob is not easily deterred, and Gary’s got that whole strong silent psycho thing going, so who knows?
If this were a list of which balloon was most likely to say “I’m getting too old for this shit,” Smokey would come in number one. This old bear will lump up some chumps for sure, but he’s lost a step over the years, both in preventing forest fires and fucking shit up in the cage.
His rubber-like body and fierceness in combat will serve him well, up to a point, but anyone in the top 5 will chew him up and spit him out. It’s a good thing his show is TV-14, because no child should see what’s about to happen to this guy.
Cute pluckiness and surprisingly strong electric attacks will get you far, all the way up to the big dogs… where you will be effectively trampled.
Fuck The Joker, real heads know the OG agent of chaos clown prince of crime is Ronald McDonald. His strategy is convincing his opponents that McDonald’s is real food so they fill up on it before the fight and are easily defeated in their bloated, weakened condition. Even when you see through his bullshit, those fries smell so good!
Okay, do NOT sleep on the Acorn. The Acorn is fierce, the Acorn WILL dominate. We’re placing the Acorn higher than any inanimate object on this list because it’s got the blueprint for a whole balloon tree inside of it, and it’s hard as fuck.
A former champion himself. He had a good run and can still make it to the finals, but no Panda can stay on top forever.
Powerful little guy. His raw, innate use of the Force and ambiguous light/dark alignment will serve him well, but he just won’t go all the way. Maybe if he had Yoda’s mindfulness and control he would stand a chance but nope, we are all going to see Baby Yoda die tomorrow.
Honestly, it’s not even close. Maybe if we were just talking regular Goku or even Super Saiyan 1 Goku some of the competitors would stand a chance, but we’re talking Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Goku! With a power level of 7.5 quintillion, he could probably wipe out the entire 2023 Macy’s Parade lineup with a single kamehameha wave. Honestly, it seems a little uneven to even have him here. No one with “Wimpy Kid” in their name should have to square off with someone who can kick Freeza’s ass, but oh well.
Since it’s one of the few places open on Thanksgiving, you might wind up grabbing some Starbucks on your way. Finish that shit in the car and ditch the cup in the neighbor’s trash. You don’t want to start things off by being lectured by a boomer about a cup, it’s just downhill from there.
Honestly, Thanksgiving or not, if we need to tell you to not bring up sports with your family unless you’re trying to throw down, congratulations, you live in a Hallmark movie. Even if your family all supports the same team (which never happens, there’s always one Cowboys fan,) there are draft decisions, management, coaches, and a plethora of other things for you all to get at each other’s throats about.
After “Hello” and a few quick passive-aggressive thinly veiled criticisms about your looks and/or how often you call, you’ll likely be asked how you’ve been—the first trap. Remember to V.E.N.T—Volunteer Entirely Nothing Tactfully.
Remember, no politics. In some circles even admitting you’ve had it, and that it therefore exists, makes you a globalist shill.
You might think this is a safe, fun, topical conversation prompt, but the speed at which your uncle can connect the dots between Unidentified Flying Objects and deep-state Democrats eating babies is blinding.
Keep it to “Everything is delicious” and change the subject immediately. You’re there to maintain the pretense that you all love each other, but some asshole always wants to use Thanksgiving as a chance to channel their inner Gordon Ramsey. “The Turkey is too dry, I prefer the the stuffing last year with the sausage in it, Aunt Judy did nothing with her library science degree.” Not sure how it gets there, but it does.
It could be the most apolitical thing in the world but if it’s been on the news someone in your family has a deeply upsetting polarizing take locked in the chamber.
If you’re asked how work is going any answer besides “Great!” is a one-way ticket to unsolicited advice town. Remember you’re not here to do a bunch of truth-telling and connecting, you’re here to keep appearances and keep your familial guilt down to manageable levels. One gripe to anyone of a certain generation and you’ll be getting an earful about pounding pavement, dressing better, and calling to follow up.
Another unsolicited advice minefield. Did you know that veganism is part of the globalist gay agenda? Or that keto supercharges the brain? Or that intermittent fasting can change your life, and it has nothing to do with the manic episode your aunt is having? Whatever your personal diet is, keep it to yourself as much as you can.
Hell no. Are you insane?
Whether it’s your craft beer snob cousin or your uncle who’s still not over Bud Lite going “woke,” beer is a surefire ticket to a conversation you want nothing to do with.
It’s impossible to explain to anyone over the age of 50 why an entire generation isn’t buying houses because of economic change and not “laziness” without one or both parties at least seriously considering drawing a knife.
Fucking boring to begin with, but modern technology and culture have made car talk a hotbed for arguing. We have seen grown adults resort to calling each other slurs over which app they used to get to a place they both arrived at within the same 10-minute window. There’s probably someone at your dinner table who thinks the Cybertruck is pretty cool, and by extension, Elon Musk, and that’s a whole thing. It can inspire debate about the American auto industry, which will lead to everyone sounding off about what they think is “Really wrong with this country” and, you know, game over.
Ever told a significant other to calm down when they need to take a breath and calm down? Didn’t really work out for you, did it? So why would it work for an entire family? If you notice tensions getting high just go to the bathroom and ride it out with some Wordle or something.
Thanksgiving isn’t all about bickering. It’s also full of moments where no one quite knows what to say or what to do. These can be awkward and uncomfortable, but trust us, it’s better than the alternative, so don’t address it.
