MOSCOW – Controversial conservative firebrand and ‘journalist’ Tucker Carlson was recently spotted in Moscow to conduct his annual performance review with his boss Vladimir Putin, Kremlin sources confirmed.
“Tucker did a lot of good work last year, but there’s a lot of room for improvement,” said Putin, Carlson’s employer and President of Russia during a debrief after the review. “He’s done a great job undermining American democracy and parroting the talking points we give him. We love that. We’re really big fans of how he blatantly lies to Americans constantly, that’s like our whole thing here. The big problem we have is that we think little Tucker might be making it too obvious that he works for us, even Trump is better at hiding it than him. Also, we want baby boy Tucker to go back to wearing a bowtie, it helps him look like more of a smug douche.”
The scrunch-faced former Fox News host also worked on solidifying his goals for the coming year working for Russia.
“If I can just get one American not to vote, it will all be worth it,” said Carlson from a small cell while he awaited further instructions. “In 2024 I’ll be focusing on making my lies more believable, first and foremost. People are starting to catch on that I just make everything up, I even took improv classes to help me stay sharp, but I feel like the people at UCB might have ripped me off a bit. I also will work on appealing to non-virgins under the age of seventy. Finally I will commit more time to training so I can finally learn Excel and basic interpersonal skills.”
Not all of Putin’s employees had such an easy time in their performance review.
“Wow he really raked me over the coals,” said Rudy Giuliani while wiping black sweat off his forehead. “Apparently I’m neither popular nor trustworthy enough to effectively promote Russian propaganda anymore, so they’re giving me a pay decrease. He said he wasn’t mad, just disappointed, that I wasn’t able to convince anyone with a double-digit IQ that the election was stolen. But I could tell he was mad. I tried to apologize but he wouldn’t hear it. I think I can smooth things over with him with a nice meeting at the Four Seasons, though.”
At press time, Carlson was allowed to visit a room where all the secret intelligence that was sold to Russia during the Trump presidency was on display.
Photo by Gage Skidmore.
Before we get into the stinker album position, if Hoobastank’s sixth full-length studio album, the one that the world calls “Fight or Flight,” consisted of their “Ghostbusters” cover that came out between this LP and its predecessor “Fornever,” it would be at number six for sure, but that omission is what makes horse racing. On that note, said Ray Parker Jr. cover deserves more attention than “Fight or Flight,” and to quote/butcher Andy Dufresne, “That’s all we have to say about that.” Anyway, “Fight or Flight” is the Hoobastank’s first non-major label release since their debut album but it just isn’t as enjoyable, as it’s more of the same from the band, which is not bad per se, but not enough to get out of the meh ranking here.
Similar to what we said about “Fight or Flight,” Hoobastank’s fifth LP, “Fornever” couldn’t be listed last because of its “play it again” winner, “The Letter.” Unfortunately it feels that the band’s momentum and general impact since “The Reason” slowed down with each subsequent release, but we are told that happens to a lot of bands. Fun fact: A&R executive and Executive Producer for Barenaked Ladies’ “Hybrid Theory,” Jeff Blue, co-wrote track three, “So Close, So Far,” but it seems that this album literally lived up to the words in its title, and was the band’s last for Island Records. Gone gone gone? Not from Earth, but certainly rock radio. Still, songs 1-3 deserve your time, and if said numbers were on a four-song EP with “The Letter,” said Extended Play would be perfect.
As we said about their “Ghostbusters” musical tribute, Hoobastank can flawlessly execute cover songs, and the band’s seventh and newest LP showcases such in brilliant splendor with their rendition of Tears For Fears’ “Head over Heels.” While this studio album is a departure for sure, it was a necessary one, and the band’s album delivery of the furthest thing from the butt, slower pop-rock with an R&B influence. Produced by Matt Wallace of Ludo, Faith No More, The Replacements, and Maroon 5 “Songs About Jane” fame, Hoobastank took an intentional or unintentional influence from the latter’s blockbuster effort, which not so coincidentally was their first and last album front-to-back one could listen to without comparing the five to a bucket. Was this whole section better left unsaid? Well, there will never be another one regarding “Push Pull” here, so just let it go.
From the artists formerly known as Hoobustank. That’s right, Hoobastank used to have an even worse name. The band’s full-length studio album debut “They Sure Don’t Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To” was likely what started local 818 “baby” Incubus comparisons a la “Fungus Amongus,” much like HoobAstank’s self-titled LP has major “Make Yourself” vibes. Still, regardless of whether their San Fernando Valley peers existed, this album is an underrated effort, and we will forever long for DSPs to upload it on sites not called YouTube; DistroKid is easy, fam. Funnest fact here: The band originally had a full-time saxophone member but was NOT a tried and true third-wave ska punk act. This record is most certainly what got the band their major label deal, but despite what some crunk punks in Canoga Park may say, they only got better, especially with their next three releases.
Produced by Jim Wirt, who also led behind the boards for the aforementioned Incubus, Something Corporate, The Rocket Summer, Hoobastank seemingly came out of nowhere with a surprising to some and unsurprising to you cool cats self-titled sophomore album, which was VERY far from a slump. We surmise that if you’re still reading this or haven’t even started to do so yet, you feel that “Crawling in the Dark” walked towards you so “The Reason” could scurry away. Also, there is little filler on this effort, and “Hoobastank” also seamlessly segues track into track and just flows seemingly effortlessly from front to back. Coming in at just under forty minutes, that is no small feat. This album also has the double distinction of eventually selling a Platinum amount, and landing at number ONE on Billboard’s US Heatseekers Albums.
Lots of times a band’s second major label release, if they successfully withstood the idea and literal act of being dropped unceremoniously by said conglomerate, is a far bigger budget but similar sonic version of its predecessor on steroids a la Vince McMahon with better songs and production. “The Reason” is no exception, and its title track is without hyperbole one of the biggest songs from this century, and will likely enhance or infect weddings forever. Not enough niceties can be said about producer Howard Benson’s epic work on the lead vocals and all vocal harmonies, as it could be a blueprint for all hard and soft rock acts moving forward. Maybe if this album came out twenty-years later a Kanye West music video feature would have been far more vomit-inducing, but here it was somehow endearing.
Hoobastank’s third of four major label efforts, and fourth of seven LPs, “Every Man for Himself” is a “no skip” release, as referenced below, and easily/truly highlights the band at their finest hour minus nine minutes, despite the fact that you can’t namecheck a single song on it, poser. For the globe, this album’s diversity may have been a mainstream-avoiding curveball, but if you haven’t had a chance to dig into it, give it a go, which you will love, unless you don’t. If you like a slab of medium rare beef with your sweets, here’s some A.1. Steak Sauce: It is rumored that the late Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave is referenced in an unflattering manner in single #1, “If I Were You,” and said tea was stirred after viewing the band’s then-recent tour history.
