Hey working stiffs, do you feel like there’s something that could make getting scheduled 2nd shifts at the factory more exciting, like working up a sweat for reasons other than standing over a forge? Well good news rivet heads, because we’ve compiled a list of the sexiest Depeche Mode songs to elevate the sexual tension during the daily grind to new heights. (Click here to listen along to the playlist.)
“New Life”
Nothing better than the first song from their first album to kick off your day of carefully and delicately lubricating machinery to make sure those pistons are pumping seamlessly. “New Life” also sounds like it could be from a TV news magazine segment about the industrial sector, if it was made up of horny blue-collar workers like yourself.
“Never Let Me Down Again”
You’re not imagining it: you ARE walking in slow motion, shirtless, while sparks rain down around you when this song starts. Ignore the fact that your boss is waving his arms frantically and lecturing you about the dress code and “Potentially deadly OSHA violations,” because your mind is on a runway in an underground fashion show in New York.
“Strangelove”
If you work at a manufacturing plant that fabricates poles and you’ve been taking erotic dance lessons in secret (a very niche market), here’s your theme song right here. And since you probably have five more hours to go until your break, use this time to come up with a good stage name. Best way to do it is combining the street you grew up on and the cartoon character that triggered your sexual awakening. For us that would be “Union Tasmanian Devil.”
“Martyr”
Have you ever pretended your welding helmet is one of those fancy bird masks they hand out to conceal identities at orgies, or are you a liar? Hell, you can pretend to be whoever you want while you’re fusing metal together with a hot torch! Perhaps you’re a brusque blue-collar drifter, attempting to escape a checkered past before becoming entangled in a torrid love affair with the foreman’s daughter. And rest assured you too will be martyred for life because he’ll nail you to a fucking cross if he catches you (if you’re into that sort of thing).
“Walking in My Shoes”
Yes, it’s one of the best songs of the ’90s. But it’s also one of the best songs to soundtrack you wandering through that one part of the factory floor where they keep all the hanging chains (we assume) and think yeah, they should try walking in the shoes of a blue-collar worker rocking a half chub. Why yes, that is a power drill in my pocket and I’m excited to see you.
“Stripped”
While it’s a song about getting away from the hustle and bustle of modern life (the opposite of working in the industrial arts), at its core the theme of getting banged remains. If this were a scene from a movie from the year this song was released, it would be the part where the detective and the target of an assassination plot start getting too close. Just bring this same energy while you’re riveting bolts into the side of a truck.
“A Question of Time”
This song will absolutely get your blood pumping if you can look past the line “you’re only fifteen/and you look good” like you do the new underage hire on the assembly line. Seriously, where the hell is OSHA? There are some lines you just don’t cross.
“Get the Balance Right”
It’s time to go pro. The leather vest is on and you’re tweaking and tightening every nut and bolt in sight to the beat. There’s a tour group from corporate wondering if you’re some contractor hired to motivate the team by dry-humping the hydraulic press. Just like the song, there’s a balance between being a productive employee and feeding your libido. If the suits ask any questions, just tell them you’re a temp.
“Behind the Wheel”
Ask anyone with a brain and they’ll tell you nothing is sexier than being forklift certified. Not sure what it is about driving pallets of barrels from one side of a building to the other that makes a person radiate raw sexual prowess. It could be the pheromones or the diesel fumes in this poorly ventilated building talking dear reader, but anyone behind the wheel of DP15-35 can have us.
“Suffer Well”
Hopefully you don’t have any active workers’ compensation claim against the company, because it’ll really put a damper on treating the factory floor like your personal BDSM playground. And the last thing you need is to be called into HR, decisively the least sexiest department in job history. This song should be your reminder to avoid lifting anything over 50 pounds.
“Everything Counts”
Time for a little cooldown. You don’t want to blow your wad halfway through the day, do you? Musing about corporate greed is a guaranteed mood killer, which your CEO is definitely engaged in. Unless you’re into financial domination, in which case you may reach levels of horniness the mind cannot comprehend.
“Lie to Me”
A bass line as good as this should be illegal, and on top of that David Gahan hits it right on the nose with “lie to me/like they do it in the factory.” You have to admit, it’s kinda hot the way your boss teases and strings you along with the promise of a raise and shared revenue just for them to buy back the factory’s stocks and take a private jet to Fiji. And every morning you come crawling back for more like a good sub.
“Love, In Itself”
Much of early Depeche Mode songs like this sound they took a tape recorder to a steel factory in Newcastle and then added lyrics while applying baby oil to themselves. It seemed to work out well for them so what’s stopping you? Hit record on your phone next time you’re on the assembly line and try to name as many sex positions as you can for three and a half minutes.
“Black Celebration”
Let’s face it, the manufacturing sector in the United States is in shambles and it’s likely this factory is one bad quarter from being shuttered permanently. On the plus side, it’s one day closer to a boring ball-bearing fabrication plant becoming a cool, sexy underground dance club where everyone wears assless chaps and strangers just hand out pills! May as well get a head start on that and cut out the bottoms of your coveralls. I’ll drink to that!
“Policy of Truth”
Great concept being brought up here: is taking the moral high road really that beneficial in the long run? In light of that, maybe don’t tell your coworkers you took six of those pills you bought in the gas station bathroom. Not only could it impact your ability to operate machinery but it might get you labeled as a depraved sex maniac. Keep it your little secret.
“Enjoy the Silence”
Embracing the idea of “show, don’t tell” goes a long way in the bedroom and on the floor, especially if you’re wearing earplugs. Some knowing nods and gestures say more than words ever could, so maybe work on a way of silently hinting that you demolished an entire bucket of oysters during lunch and you’ve become a sentient aphrodisiac.
“Fly on the Windscreen”
It’s unlikely, but today could be the day you die in a crazy industrial accident. It’s a morbid thought to drift when your mind is predominantly on getting choked for fun, but it can also be your motivation to live each day like it’s your last. Why not be prepared to go out in a blaze of horned up glory? Ride that conveyor belt naked! Program that robot arm to spank you!
“I Feel You”
We know what you’re thinking and no, a gimp mask does NOT count as PPE. Then again it’s more gratifying to dress for the job you want (being naughty), not the job you have (blast furnace operator). If you need to scratch that itch, the looping alt-rock guitars will be the perfect background noise when you shove your pockets full of loose screws to build the ultimate bed of nails at home.
“It’s No Good”
Remember that time you forgot the safe word, and ended up suspended upside down by your nipples for three hours before your neighbors called the fire department. You learned two valuable lessons that day, one being to ensure future safe words are monosyllabic and secondly sometimes you have to be patient. Clock-out time will feel like an eternity when you’re turned on and stuck in the quality control line, but satisfaction is imminent regardless.
“Master and Servant”
Alright enough edging, here’s your payoff. You’ve been good all day and deserve a reward, but you’re still going to have to work for it. Oh, you didn’t think you’d make it to the sexual deviance theme song unscathed, did you? Get on your fucking knees and beg for it. And clean up your workstation!
The year was 1970. The Watergate scandal rocked the nation, The Beatles parted ways, and kids across the country were going ballistic over plastic soldier dolls called G.I. Joe. It was the popularity of these toys that eventually created the term “action figure!”
Kids were delighted by the way these adorable little critters would wobble but never fall over! Look at those guys! Aren’t they just the cutest?
It’s amazing how many of these toys have stood the test of time! It’s almost hard to imagine a world without Boggle, but yes, 1972 was the first year people got their hands on this still popular word game, and as you can imagine it was a sensation!
1973 was truly the dawn of a toy empire, as it was the first year consumers could get their hands on non-expanding recreational foam guns, more commonly known as NERF guns. To this day, NERF projectiles remain a staple of American adolescence.
Can you even imagine a rec room without a Connect Four board in it? Needless to say, when the game debuted in 1974 it was an instant sensation and the must-have toy for that Christmas.
As hard as it is for later generations to grasp, kids in the mid-70s went crazy for the Pet Rock. This ridiculously simple smooth stone with googly eyes is practically the definition of a fad toy.
Though some versions of the skateboard have existed since the ‘50s, 1976 saw the invention of polyurethane skate wheels, which is what gives the board the maneuverability we know it for today, catapulting skateboards into the mainstream!
That’s right suck it Mattel Football, the Atari was THE hot ticket item of 1977. While not technically the first home gaming system, it was the first to make use of gaming cartridges allowing users to play games not already built into the console itself, and thus a new generation of gaming was born!
Hungry Hungry Hippos was a close second, but there’s just no denying the phenomenon of Star Wars Toys. They set the template for franchise merchandising as we know it today. These toys were so popular that for Christmas the previous year kids received empty boxes with a certificate from Kenner Toys saying they would get the doll as soon as they were able to produce enough to meet the demand.
It’s hard to believe now but Simon was once considered an extremely high-tech toy. While it no longer enjoys its status as a wonder of what the computer age can accomplish, it’s still considered one of the most iconic retro games of all time and can still be found on toy shelves across America.
There are quite a few lists of the best toy per year on the internet and while they aren’t all unanimous, you’ll find they all agree that the Rubik’s Cube was undeniably THE toy of 1980, and would in fact become one of the most iconic artifacts of the decade. We still haven’t solved ours!
Star Wars and G.I. Joe set the template, but “Masters of the Universe” saw the media-to-advertise-toys formula perfected. While most of our peak demographic wasn’t alive to see the boom of He-Man action figures they remained a staple of toy boxes for the next decade.
Decades before they would become weirdly sexualized by strange men on the internet, My Little Pony were just cute little horse dolls with brushable hair designed to compete with Barbie.
The dolls that crawled so Garbage Pale Kids could walk. This was the must-have toy for Christmas of 1983 and sort of began the phenomenon of media-sensationalized toy crazes as we know them. Parents would wait in lines for hours, bicker and shove each other, desperate to grab one of the coveted dolls for their children in time for the holidays.
Robots in disguise! Transformers are arguably the most successful media-backed toy franchise of all time, first bolstered by a comic book, then various cartoons, and eventually, a mediocre film franchise still going strong somehow! Maybe it’s because the toys themselves are undeniably cool, cashing in on ‘80s adolescent boys’ two greatest loves, robots and fast cars!
A talking doll with a mouth that actually moves may seem commonplace today, but in 1985 it was a revolutionary sensation! Kids didn’t quite know whether to love Teddy Ruxpin or be terrified of him but either way, they were obsessed!
It’s hard to believe now but there was a time in this country when video games seemed to be a passing fad. When the NES hit shelves in 1985 it struggled to stay afloat. Then, in 1986, Super Mario Brothers came out and changed everything. It was the dawn of a gaming empire and for many Americans the beginning of what would become the gamer lifestyle.
It is estimated that you will walk into a new place and say out loud “Hey, they have Jenga here” three times every year. Whether you’re at a children’s sleepover or the hottest bar in town, Jenga is never out of style, and it all started in 1987!
Trolls are probably better known for the series of kid’s movies they’ve inspired today, but in the ‘60s these long colorful-haired little dolls were a sensation. They enjoyed a huge resurgence in the late ‘80s through the ‘90s appealing to both kids and nostalgic adults alike.
While handheld electronic games had existed for some time by this point, the Game Boy’s cartridge-based gameplay was truly revolutionary. Future iterations of the console are still going strong today, and the original model is still considered a must-have by retro gaming fans.
The dream-like debut self-titled album from American Football has rightfully become a monumental moment in emo, in many ways defining the Midwest Emo subgenre with its clean production and math-y guitar hooks. It sonically captures a sense of youthful optimism, which of course, you are no longer able to feel. Plus, the iconic cover of a suburban house makes it the perfect soundtrack for driving slowly past the house you’ve been kicked out of as you make your way back to the apartment you share with three stand up comedians you found on Craigslist.
New Jersey based Saves the Day’s biggest album “Through Being Cool” was hugely influential, adding elements of pop-punk into their previously heavier sound to create a lasting document of teen isolation and loneliness. But hey, it’s not just for teens, and you’ll feel right at home putting this on while you eat imitation crab, directly from the packaging, alone in your apartment for the third night this week.
The one before they got really popular, this album has achieved a cult-like status among emo connoisseurs like yourself. Your ex-wife really liked “The Middle,” so now you can listen to this album without her asking when that song was coming. That song’s not on this album, Sharon!
The Get Up Kids’ second studio album”Something to Write Home About” blended emo with power pop and indie rock creating a classic album with hooks so strong, they will stay in your head even through hours of depositions with you and your ex’s lawyers as you sift through the ruins of your previous life together. You won’t care though, because, in your head, you’ll be singing along to “Holiday.”
The critically acclaimed second album from Midwest Emo band Rainer Maria, Look Now Again, uses poetic lyrics and shimmering guitars to evoke sad longings. The male/female alternating dynamic of their two co-vocalists, bassist Cathlin De Marrais and guitarist Kaia Fischer can help you relive every argument you and Sharon ever had, if only you two had prettier voices and a better grasp of the English language.
Orchid, the pride of Amherst, Massachusetts, was one of the early and most prominent Screamo bands, combining bracing elements of hardcore with more melodic turns from emo. Their first album “Chaos is Me” has remained extremely influential and is perfect to scream along too while punching a hole in the wall after hearing about how your ex-wife has moved on and is dating a personal trainer. At least the music is good, you can learn a bit of French, and check out this Nietzsche guy!
The debut album by the New Brunswick, New Jersey band Thursday shows a lot of the promise the band would later channel into Emo masterpiece “Full Collapse.” Many of the band’s elements are here on their debut album, which is perfect for you to think back on how promising your marriage once was before you got comfortable and took everything for granted.
One of the most popular early emo bands, the Promise Ring, transitioned to a more power pop oriented sound with their third album, Very Emergency. You can use this album to put yourself in a sweet, nostalgic mood before desperately calling Sharon and begging for her to take you back.
This criminally underrated band from San Diego, put out the masterpiece “Fire in the City of the Automatons” in 1999, weaving math-rock riffs through elements of emo and post-hardcore. They somehow never get credit for being an incredible band, just like you never get credit for all the good things you did in your marriage, like the one year when you remembered your anniversary without a reminder, and you even got Sharon a really nice crab declawing tool. Like the music of No Knife, all these good deeds seem to be lost to time.
The Ataris were more pop punk, with elements of emo, but don’t let that stop you from having it soundtrack your full-on nervous breakdown after you accidentally drive past you and your ex-wife’s favorite restaurant. The place where they give a little bib and dump a bucket of crab on the table, Sharon always did love it when you’d pretend the crab claws were really your hands, and you’d make her call you Lord Shell-don, even though she said she didn’t want to do it this time, and she just wanted to have a normal, quiet dinner, but you could tell she actually thought it was cool and sexy.
A collection of instrumentals, unreleased songs and demos from the legendary D.C. indie/emo pioneers Fugazi used to soundtrack the film “Instrument.” Their castaway songs are better than most bands,’ which you can relate to, because you are now essentially a castaway yourself, waiting to be re-discovered and cherished, and told that you are special and that personal training is dumb, and nobody should have ever left you.
Just 5 songs, but containing some of Bright Eyes best songs from their early era. Yes, cry-singing, “I believe that lovers should be tied together and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown left there to drown in their innocence” from the song “A Perfect Sonnet” into Sharon’s voicemail is a really good idea, because it shows how committed you are now and that you’re in a good place mentally and everything.
The third album from Florida punk rock/ emo/ post-hardcore band Hot Water Music expanded the band’s sound, adding elements of pop punk and southern gospel. It’s perfect to pump you up at the gym, where you just started a new membership, and you’re wondering which one of these personal trainer fuck-sticks is boinking your wife.
This is an underrated classic in the emo/indie rock genre. Singer Brett Detar penned many deep emotional lyrics, pairing them with sweet and infectious melodies, while also being the guitarist in the metalcore band Zao. He proves that people can contain multitudes and they’re not just one thing, which would be cool for Sharon to understand. You’re not just the crab claw guy, you also are really good at cornhole, like 2nd or 3rd best amongst your guy friends.
A somewhat unknown gem of an album, released in 1999, Pop Unknown featured ex-members of Mineral and Feed Lucy. Yeah, maybe Pop Unknown is not as well known as Mineral, but they made something work after their first bands broke up. Bands they probably thought would last forever. The music on this album is really good, if not as revolutionary as Mineral, and hey, maybe that’s okay, too.
Piebald’s classic album from the tale end of their early era, “If It Weren’t For Venetian Blinds, It’d be Curtains for Us All” combines influences such as Jawbreak and Sunny Day Real Estate and Cave In, forming a powerful statement, though not as powerful of a statement as the statement the gym made when they kicked you out after you personally challenged every personal trainer into a game of one-on-one, mano a mano, cornhole showdown.
This album by San Diego band Tristeza, who featured Jimmy LaValle of the Album Leaf, blended elements of post-rock to create an expansive and beautiful album full of soundscapes. Tristeza means Sadness, and that’s very appropriate because that’s all you’ll be feeling for a while, after all your attempts to win back your ex have fallen flat.
“Mission Control!” is the debut album by Burning Airlines, who formed after the breakup of the legendary Jawbox. On this release, they managed to keep the best parts of Jawbox intact while exploring new sonic territories, just like you’ll be doing as you resolve to become a better person, and build your life back up.
Though not the most well-known emo album of the era, this release by Southern California’s Gameface has everything you’d want in an emo record: catchy melodies, heartfelt lyrics, big guitars, everything. This will be helpful for making your new Match.com profile, because you’ve got it all, too. You’re well on your way to scoring a new fling to rub in your ex’s face.
The debut album from pop-punk, emo adjacent, group A New Found Glory, was undeniably catchy and hugely influential over the Fall Out Boys of the world coming down the Emo pike. You know what? These guys dressed cool. You can pretty much still almost fit in your old clothes from when you dressed that way. You could probably still spike your hair up like that and then you can frost those fucking tips, baby. Post-divorce you is looking fly as shit.
The debut album from Small Brown Bike, which channels Hot Water Music and Jawbreaker, is not widely famous, but it is beloved by those in the know, like you. It’s a hidden gem, just like the Crab Hut, where you’ll be going on a date with someone you met from Match.com. She’s pretty much your girlfriend and pretty much better than Sharon in every way.
Torches to Rome were a three-piece hardcore/emo band from the Bay Area who released an EP and this album, their only full-length. It is heavily influenced by Fugazi and other D.C. bands but it stands on its own right as an awesome one-and-done album. You can thrash around and, generally, just go crazy in your car to this album after your date turns out to be uncultured and rude, and the staff at the Crab Hut turns out to be total narc cops who can’t take a joke.
The debut release by emo pop punk band Reggie and the Full Effect is considered by fans to be a classic album of the genre. It’s full of poppy hooks, and lots of funny movie references. Like the kind you and your guy friends make to make each other, cold beer in one hand and soft bean bag in the other. You know what? Maybe through all this crazy mess you and Sharon might just become friends and have a laugh about this whole thing someday.
The Casket Lottery, featuring some members of the band Coalesce, have a sound all their own, with jangly guitar chords, lush arrangement and poetic lyrics. You can put it on and look back over this whole crazy divorce process, and tell yourself you’re going to be alright. It might be a lie, but you can do it.
Another underrated album from 1999, Camber was an Emo band in the vein of Sunny Day Real Estate or Mineral. Their second album, Anyway, I’ve Been There is a perfect encapsulation of their sound and of late ’90s Emo in general. It sounds great, even years later, and you can assume it will sound great years in the future, when you run into Sharon on the streets, or at the park, maybe you’re both pushing strollers, you share a look of recognition and a first, awkward breaking of the silence, then the conversation gets going and you talk about all the good times. You pretend your hands are crab claws and say “Lord Shelldon misses you.” She halfway smiles, you can tell she wants to smile more, but she’s not letting herself fall in love again. You part with a sideways half-hug. You put this album on. 1999 was a great year for emo.
Nope, absolutely not, Rowlf is a good dog. Epstein tried recruiting him to play piano blindfolded at his parties “Eyes Wide Shut” style but Rowlf wanted nothing to do with it. Good boy Rowlf.
Her name doesn’t show up in the flight logs a single time and rumor has it she bit Ghislaine Maxwell at a party once. Janice is clean, can’t say the same for the rest of The Electric Mayhem though.
Sweetums is true to his schtick. Despite being the most monsterous looking muppet Sweetums never once boarded The Lolita Express. His only crime is his silence over the years as he watched trusted household name muppet contemporaries engage in the most sinister and nefarious activities imaginable. He doesn’t like confrontation, but that’s no excuse, big fella.
If this were some sort of comedy piece we could say that Beaker was a deviant sex addict and have a field day making up stuff about how he uses his head as a penis. Luckily this is a very real piece of journalism, and Beaker is not one of the many, many muppets that committed very real sex crimes with Jeffery Epstein.
Animal goes where the party is, and when you’re in Dr. Teeth’s band the party inevitably moves to Epstein’s sex island. Animal did not approve of the goings on and built a drum-powered raft to escape. He tried to blow the whistle, but since he only communicates through screams and drumming the prosecution was unable to build a case around his testimony.
A known cannibal, Epstein kept Gene on retainer to dispose of employees who had become troublesome or aged out.
Once a middling background bear, Bobo’s profile was raised during the Muppets Tonight era, and by 2011 he had his own lifestyle web show “Better Living with Bobo.” Sadly, like many lifestyle gurus, Bobo’s upbeat positive persona masked a sinister dark side. It is unknown how often Bobo went to Epstein’s island. What is known is that he’s currently serving 15 years on a plea deal and currently shares a cell with Jared Fogle.
Beauregard accompanied Bobo on his frequent Lolita Express excursions in his capacity as Bobo’s personal assistant. By all accounts, he was only there doing his job, but he knew what was going on and never came forward. It makes you wonder what Bobo must have had on him to illicit such loyalty.
After learning that Epstein was courting the likes of Malcolm Gladwell, Bill Gates, and Neil deGrasse Tyson, Dr. Bunson Honeydew became obsessed with worming his way to the inner circle. While there’s no evidence Dr. Honeydew participated in any illegal activity directly, there are reports that he worked closely with Epstein to streamline his breeding program, so his role can be described as chaotic neutral at best.
Epstein frequently recruited Crazy Harry to use his pyrotechnic skills to “liquidate” properties that had become a problem for him. His standard pay was $1000 worth of copper while and the all-inclusive “Humbert Humbert package” aboard the Lolita Express.
Dr. Teeth is all about image and mystique. He meticulously cultivates the image of The Electric Mayhem, and that includes adding a sense of danger to the band’s lore. He flew on The Lolita Express a few times just to be seen and add to the group’s sinister mythos. He didn’t partake in any illegal activities, Dr. Teeth low-key keeps his nose clean, but his silence on the things he was privy to and the deplorable behavior of his fellow bandmates make him complicit.
Once mistaken for a ghost haunting the Muppet Show theater, Uncle Deadly is as old Hollywood as they come. A little too old Hollywood.
Piggy’s obsession with being a social climber led her to parties at Ghislaine Maxwell’s house, and while she did karate chop the hostess out of jealousy on their first meeting, the two became fast friends. There is strong evidence that Piggy used her connections and status in the modeling world to scout prospects for trafficking.
Never trust an aging hippie in a bucket hat.