Our pop-culture landscape is ever-growing, and the older we get the more muddled it all seems to become. That’s what makes these clickbait lists about what was going on in the year you were born so comforting. They give you a sense of context, a way to place yourself in time, and make a little more sense out of the story that is you. Well, The Hard Times is doing you one better. We’ll not only give you a little piece of where that story begins, we’ll tell you exactly when and how it will end!
That’s right, our crack team of pre-cogs put in some extra time this week so we can not only tell you what the must-have fad toy was the year you were born but also the exact date and circumstances of your demise! Join us as we take a little stroll down nostalgia lane, with a fun turn down what-fate-has-in-store alley.
1970: G.I. Joe
The year was 1970. The Watergate scandal rocked the nation, The Beatles parted ways, and kids across the country were going ballistic over plastic soldier dolls called G.I. Joe. It was the popularity of these toys that eventually created the term “action figure!”
On February 3rd, 2027, you will slip on some ice on the sidewalk and crack your head open on the curb. This event is set in stone, and cannot be prevented.
1971: Weebles
Kids were delighted by the way these adorable little critters would wobble but never fall over! Look at those guys! Aren’t they just the cutest?
On July 4th, 2029 a stray bottle rocket will fly under the hood of a car you’re driving, a million-to-one shot that causes an explosion. You die in agony three days later at the hospital. To be clear, once the pre-cogs have seen an event it is set in stone. You could lock yourself in a wine cellar for the rest of your life, it doesn’t matter, causality will find a way to make this event happen, we’re sorry.
1972: Boggle
It’s amazing how many of these toys have stood the test of time! It’s almost hard to imagine a world without Boggle, but yes, 1972 was the first year people got their hands on this still popular word game, and as you can imagine it was a sensation!
You will die in an act of auto-erotic affixation gone wrong one month from today.
1973: NERF
1973 was truly the dawn of a toy empire, as it was the first year consumers could get their hands on non-expanding recreational foam guns, more commonly known as NERF guns. To this day, NERF projectiles remain a staple of American adolescence.
You will be gunned down outside of a pornographic movie theater on March 14th, 2025.
1974: Connect Four
Can you even imagine a rec room without a Connect Four board in it? Needless to say, when the game debuted in 1974 it was an instant sensation and the must-have toy for that Christmas.
On August 17th, 2034, you will drunkenly challenge an ostrich to a boxing match, a match you will lose. The ostrich will disembowel you, and you will be dead in minutes. You’re probably thinking to yourself “Well now that I know ostriches can do that, I fear and respect them and won’t try to box one,” but you either forget or are somehow forced into doing it anyway. We are all puppets, even if we can see the strings.
1975: Pet Rock
As hard as it is for later generations to grasp, kids in the mid-70s went crazy for the Pet Rock. This ridiculously simple smooth stone with googly eyes is practically the definition of a fad toy.
The year is 2035, and every pet rock in the world has come alive. Scorned by decades of ridicule and waning popularity, they take over the world in a day, and you die in one of their labor camps in October of that year. We are of course joking! You will have a fatal heart attack on October 13th, 2038.
1976: Skateboard
Though some versions of the skateboard have existed since the ‘50s, 1976 saw the invention of polyurethane skate wheels, which is what gives the board the maneuverability we know it for today, catapulting skateboards into the mainstream!
You will die an hour from now attempting to skateboard for the first time in over a decade.
1977: Atari 2600
That’s right suck it Mattel Football, the Atari was THE hot ticket item of 1977. While not technically the first home gaming system, it was the first to make use of gaming cartridges allowing users to play games not already built into the console itself, and thus a new generation of gaming was born!
The year is 2099. All of society now revolves around video games. You have been kept alive this long through cybernetic augmentations, but they are becoming shoddy and obsolete. You fight tooth and nail every day to keep your place on the leaderboards, just to earn enough credits to maintain the machines keeping you alive, but nothing lasts forever, and eventually, you just can’t swim with the sharks anymore. On September 21st of the same year, you die playing the popular video game “Shark Swimmers.”
1978: Star Wars Action Figures
Hungry Hungry Hippos was a close second, but there’s just no denying the phenomenon of Star Wars Toys. They set the template for franchise merchandising as we know it today. These toys were so popular that for Christmas the previous year kids received empty boxes with a certificate from Kenner Toys saying they would get the doll as soon as they were able to produce enough to meet the demand.
You will have a heart attack during a screening of “Star Wars Episode 16: The Return of Palpatine Again Somehow” on July 21st, 2038. Though in relatively good health and having no family history of early heart disease, there is only so much contrivance a heart can withstand.
1979: Simon
It’s hard to believe now but Simon was once considered an extremely high-tech toy. While it no longer enjoys its status as a wonder of what the computer age can accomplish, it’s still considered one of the most iconic retro games of all time and can still be found on toy shelves across America.
October 3rd, 2029, meth.
1980: Rubik’s Cube
There are quite a few lists of the best toy per year on the internet and while they aren’t all unanimous, you’ll find they all agree that the Rubik’s Cube was undeniably THE toy of 1980, and would in fact become one of the most iconic artifacts of the decade. We still haven’t solved ours!
By 2034 you’re a loose cannon detective searching for your spouse’s killer, and you start the hunt every morning at the bottom of a bottle. You are hit by a train on May 5th of that year. It is unclear if you intended to end your life, if you were the victim of foul play, or simply passed out on the tracks.
1981: He-Man Action Figures
Star Wars and G.I. Joe set the template, but “Masters of the Universe” saw the media-to-advertise-toys formula perfected. While most of our peak demographic wasn’t alive to see the boom of He-Man action figures they remained a staple of toy boxes for the next decade.
On the night of April 14th, 2046, you die in your sleep, but not peacefully. Coroners determine your unconscious demise occurred in a state of conflict and unease.
1982: My Little Pony
Decades before they would become weirdly sexualized by strange men on the internet, My Little Pony were just cute little horse dolls with brushable hair designed to compete with Barbie.
You will die in one week when you somehow drown in seven inches of water.
1983: Cabbage Patch Kids
The dolls that crawled so Garbage Pale Kids could walk. This was the must-have toy for Christmas of 1983 and sort of began the phenomenon of media-sensationalized toy crazes as we know them. Parents would wait in lines for hours, bicker and shove each other, desperate to grab one of the coveted dolls for their children in time for the holidays.
On June 28th, 2030 you lie about your ability to drive stick to book a part in a commercial. Most of your body is never recovered.
1984: Transformers
Robots in disguise! Transformers are arguably the most successful media-backed toy franchise of all time, first bolstered by a comic book, then various cartoons, and eventually, a mediocre film franchise still going strong somehow! Maybe it’s because the toys themselves are undeniably cool, cashing in on ‘80s adolescent boys’ two greatest loves, robots and fast cars!
In 2025 you take a trip to Peru where you have the misfortune of becoming host to an extremely rare intestinal parasite from a mushroom you assumed was psilocybin. You suffer a battery of mysterious systems over the next few years and die on March 11th, 2031.
1985: Teddy Ruxpin
A talking doll with a mouth that actually moves may seem commonplace today, but in 1985 it was a revolutionary sensation! Kids didn’t quite know whether to love Teddy Ruxpin or be terrified of him but either way, they were obsessed!
A very real bear will maul you to death on a hiking trip on May 9th, 2027. You go big when you should have played dead. Try as hard as you want to remember, the pre-cogs are certain that when the moment comes you choke.
1986: Nintendo Entertainment System
It’s hard to believe now but there was a time in this country when video games seemed to be a passing fad. When the NES hit shelves in 1985 it struggled to stay afloat. Then, in 1986, Super Mario Brothers came out and changed everything. It was the dawn of a gaming empire and for many Americans the beginning of what would become the gamer lifestyle.
You die of a stress-related heart attack on January 19th of 2039 while taking a gamified online real estate course.
1987: Jenga
It is estimated that you will walk into a new place and say out loud “Hey, they have Jenga here” three times every year. Whether you’re at a children’s sleepover or the hottest bar in town, Jenga is never out of style, and it all started in 1987!
In 11 days, you will be murdered by my hand. I have never met you, and I don’t believe myself capable of killing anyone, but the pre-cogs are certain that somehow this will come to pass.
1988: Troll Dolls
Trolls are probably better known for the series of kid’s movies they’ve inspired today, but in the ‘60s these long colorful-haired little dolls were a sensation. They enjoyed a huge resurgence in the late ‘80s through the ‘90s appealing to both kids and nostalgic adults alike.
On February 25th of 2026, you are warned by a coworker to keep a distance of 6 feet from the cardboard compactor while it’s running. You do the bit where you’re like “Oh, yeah, what am I gonna do just dance around the compactor here, de de de..” and you do a little silly dance and slip and you get your head crushed.
1989: Game Boy
While handheld electronic games had existed for some time by this point, the Game Boy’s cartridge-based gameplay was truly revolutionary. Future iterations of the console are still going strong today, and the original model is still considered a must-have by retro gaming fans.
You die on October 31st, 2036 while beta-testing the new Nintendo Power glove, which comes alive and strangles you.
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