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Punk Explains Benefits of Green Energy While Tossing Cigarette Butt From Car Window

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. — Local eco-punk Teddy Vasquez recently explained the benefits of green energy to a carload of friends while tossing half-a-dozen cigarette butts out the window, confused sources report.

“I’ve done a lot of research online, and green energy is the only way to save the planet,” relayed Vasquez as every light in his empty house remained on. “The majority of waste comes from multinational corporations, not individuals, so any ‘green’ habits I form would be a complete waste of time. That, and recycling is a myth. Plus, a single Starbucks location wastes more water in one week than its surrounding neighborhood does in months. Speaking of coffee, can I get a sip of somebody’s? I left my extra-large styrofoam coffee cup on the roof of the car and it flew into that duck pond a few miles back.”

Vasquez’s friend Becky Rafael says green energy is the latest in a line of issues Vasquez has taken up.

“It’s always something with Teddy,” claimed Rafael while unfriending Vasquez on Facebook. “He used to complain that I kept my house too warm, and then would open all the windows because it was too cold for him to smoke outside. Another time he had the audacity to ask me for a ride and give me shit for not driving an electric car. Those things are so expensive. Teddy’s a trust fund kid who doesn’t realize how much it actually costs to be environmentally friendly.”

Environmental activist Greta Thunburg says Vasquez’s shtick is common.

“Environmentalism is 99% performative,” declared Thunburg as she triggered grown men twice her age simply by existing. “Furthermore, the internet isn’t free, environmentally speaking. Every Google search is equivalent to leaving a light on for five minutes, and the carbon generated by eco-friendly research eclipses the airline industry in terms of outright pollution. So there’s that. Also, why are we forced to drink from those terrible paper straws when every drink still comes with a plastic lid? That’s modern environmentalism in a nutshell, I suppose.”

At press time, Vasquez was seen boarding his family’s private jet to fly to an environmentally friendly pop-up store halfway around the world.