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Saudi Prince Doesn’t Have Heart to Tell Metallica He Meant to Book Megadeth

DUBAI — Members of the Saudi royal family were are in full damage control today after it was revealed Metallica’s first-ever show in the country was supposed to be played by Megadeth, sources to the family reported.

“I understand how there could be some confusion, like how Mustaine used to be in the band and they both start with the letter M but what the actual FUCK. Anyone who’s anyone knows the Crown Prince’s favorite album of all time is ‘Rust in Peace’ and now I’m going to look like a huge asshole. This is what I get for polishing my car collection instead of overseeing planning the show,” said a Saudi cabinet member who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean it’s too late now that the band already sent us their rider and we booked the arena. But if one thing has always proven true it’s that we can solve any problem by throwing obscene amounts of money at it, and I’m sure they won’t ask questions if we drive dump trucks full of money up to their houses to play Megadeth covers.”

Dave Mustaine was deflated about the mix-up but remained hopeful that the door was still open to perform.

“I cannot believe they were going to pay us that much money to play one show, it’s like more than we’ve made in royalties our entire career. I just got my passport renewed and was totally prepared to ignore any and all human rights violations!” said Mustaine. “They were pretty apologetic on the phone though, and promised they’d book me before the year is out.”

Longtime booker Nigel Wilson has seen this exact scenario play out more times than fans have realized.

“It seems like every two or three years some metal festival conflates Metallica and Megadeth during the booking process, and it fucks up everything from the merch tables to the festival posters. It’s a running joke in the industry, albeit an expensive one. Remember when Metallica played for over a million people in Moscow at Monsters of Rock ’91? Yeah, that was supposed to be Megadeth,” said Wilson. “While this situation in Dubai might not be as dubious, it may result in the first time someone faced a firing squad for getting the wrong band.”

As of press time, the show was somewhat salvaged after cabinet members were able to have the King’s nephew’s band open for Metallica instead of Five Finger Death Punch.