Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Mom Prints Out Son’s 7.1 Pitchfork Review to Put On Fridge

Posted on August 18, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

CUMBERLAND, Md — Local mom Beth Clarke proudly placed a print-out of her son’s band’s 7.1 Pitchfork review on her fridge today, citing the notable improvement in his score.

“A 7.1 score isn’t really that great in the grand scheme,” remarked a proud Clarke. “But this shows that hours of practice and hard work can yield positive results. By this time next year, he might crest over 8.1, and that means record labels might start sending some letters of intent.”

Clarke noted that her son Bryan’s band, The Dolts, had only managed to net a 2.4 and a 3.1 in previous reviews.

“When he brought home those terrible reviews, I made sure I got him more guitar and singing lessons,” said Clarke. “He fought against it at first — he kept trying to say that ‘lessons are for sellouts’ — but if he wants to be part of a touring band, he needs to get his Pitchfork review scores up, or no venues will pay attention.

Since placing the review on the fridge, Clarke has allegedly gone out of her way to show it to visitors to the house and bring it up in conversation whenever possible.

“When I came by the other day to return Beth’s garden shears, she made a point to bring me into the kitchen to show me the review,” noted neighbor Anne Beasley. “She was just so proud… I didn’t really have the heart to tell her that I didn’t know what Pitchfork was, or that I didn’t know her son was even in a band. I just smiled politely and said I will definitely check out the Dolts as soon as I get home.”

Not all members of the Clarke family are as impressed with the review as Beth, however. Bryan’s father, Steve, is struggling to see “what all the fuss is about.”

“Beth’s always coddling Bryan too much,” said the retired firefighter. “I don’t even know how you can call that crap he makes music. Hell, It’s not even going to make their end-of-year list. Steely Dan, now that was music.”x

Singer Saving Perfect Band Name Until He Meets the Right Guys

Posted on August 18, 2019 by Nariko Ott

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk frontman Dylan Fremont revealed today that he was waiting to “meet the right guys” before offering his most special gift: his perfect band name.

“I can only give up the name once, so I really wanna wait until it’s… I don’t know. Special,” said Fremont, kissing his girlfriend of four years as she left for work. “Some guys just give it up right away, and it’s like, kind of sad. There’s a lot of pressure on kids these days to have bands with really great names. I mean, what’s the rush?”

“I have to admit, I have been close a few times before. I thought I met the perfect rhythm section last year, but the drummer relied heavily on a China cymbal and the bass player used a pick,” added Fremont.

Fremont’s current bandmate and keyboard player Mark Simms admitted he was upset by Fremont withholding the “perfect band name” from him.

“Well, that’s his thing, and I respect it… but sometimes I think, like, why aren’t we good enough? I always thought we had something special,” said Simms. “I want Dylan to go at his own pace and know that I support his choice, but I hope that maybe one day he’ll see that I’m worthy of being in a side project that uses his perfect band name.”

DIY expert Dianne Miankis noted that more and more young musicians are delaying giving their band a great name that everyone will love.

“Once the band name is out there, you can never take it back. So many people look at their first band and realize how big of a mistake it was wasting a name like Municipal Death Index on a bunch of guys who just sit around getting stoned all the time,” said Miankis. “People want to be sure they have a lasting bond with their bandmates that could span at least three full albums and a few EPs.”

Fremont later said that, in the meantime while he’s abstaining, he would continue to tour with his current band under their placeholder name, Vladimir Poontang.

Photo by Shelby Kettrick.

Sad: All These Baby Boomers Aren’t Dead Yet

Posted on August 18, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

An alarming and depressing new study found that Baby Boomers are still, for the most part, very much alive and selfishly they have no intention of just doing us all a favor and dying already.

Furthermore, the study concluded that we are several decades away from the last of the Baby Boomers fucking off and dying so we can finally start fixing all of their mistakes.

“Scientifically speaking, Baby Boomers are the biggest existential threat to humanity’s future and they can collectively eat a bag of horseshit,” said lead researcher and Gen Xer Dr. Marianne Lev. “Boomers have destroyed the economy, allowed America’s infrastructure to crumble, dragged us into a costly and unnecessary war, and ruined the environment. And now they’re standing in the way of anyone trying to fix these problems. Hence, in my highly esteemed opinion, they can get skull-fucked sideways.”

Unfortunately, as Boomers currently represent the largest share of the USA’s electorate, it’s unlikely that our government and the many Baby Boomers in elected office will try to fix these issues; forcing younger generations to wait patiently until the blessed day that all Boomers are dead, buried, and preferably, their graves pissed on.

We decided to directly ask several Boomers the question that’s on everyone’s mind – “Why won’t you die?”

“I’d rather not die right now, thanks,” explained Boomer Karen Woodward. “I’m 70 right now and plan on living another 40 years or so. Oh, and despite working 50 years, I didn’t bother saving anything for retirement. But I’m sure you Millennial assholes won’t mind footing the Social Security bill.”

Karen then cackled maniacally for 20 minutes until we left.

Fellow Boomer Gary Matthews Sr. first accused us of being lazy and entitled for wanting to fix their problems before explaining why he won’t kick the bucket right now.

“Sorry, snowflake, but I’ve got a pretty sweet life here. Take today. I went to the diner for 6 hours, only ordered a cup of coffee, and barely tipped my waitress. Later I’m going to watch 4 hours of Big Bang Theory reruns. By the way, can you fix my phone? My email disappeared.”

As of press time, the scientific community is considering expediting the demise of Baby Boomers by releasing a deadly neurotoxin at all Jimmy Buffet concerts and “Life is Good” stores.

OK Go Seen Leaving Home Depot with 700 Electric Leaf Blowers

Posted on August 18, 2019 by Mark Maira

LOS ANGELES — Indie-rock band OK Go visited the Cypress Park Home Depot early Wednesday morning to purchase hundreds of electric leaf blowers, thrilled managerial sources confirmed.

“This single purchase put our sales numbers through the roof. We don’t sell many leaf blowers in this area — we maybe keep one or two in stock year round, so it was a pretty big process getting them here,” said assistant store manager Joe Abeita. “Had to miss my niece’s birthday today to validate the order, but I’m sure whatever whimsical fun those men plan on having will make it worthwhile.”

Customer service logs showed that the band spent hours going over certain specifications and features of various blowers, ultimately settling on the Toro Ultra Plus 51621.

“The guy with the long hair kept asking if the blower could get that same ‘poised fluctuation’ effect Sam Mendes did on that plastic bag in ‘American Beauty,’” claimed customer service representative Kerry Brinson, who spent the better part of her morning answering the group’s questions. “I just kept telling them: there’s a low setting and a high one, it’s for blowing leaves, and I don’t know who Sam Mendes is.”

Until recently, OK Go allegedly purchased all of their music video supplies exclusively from Lowes. However, they switched to Home Depot after a disagreement with a Lowe’s distribution manager — which industry insiders believe led to a string of Lowe’s stores closing across the country.

“My main objective was to provide good customer service — whether OK Go was purchasing 32,000 square feet of park-quality sod, or 2,000 yards of HVAC tubing,” said former Lowe’s regional distribution manager Alexandria Pol. “But when I told them there was no way for me to get them 45 hot-pink pallet jacks, a synchronized milk cannon, and ‘enough weather stripping to reach the moon’ on 24 hours notice, they flipped their shit. They were a total headache, to be honest. But when I saw the finished video each time, it always made it worth the trouble.”

When reached for comment, OK Go was painting 30 white cats to look like different flags of Eastern European countries.

“Big Things on the Horizon,” Posts Friend About to Ask Everyone for Money

Posted on August 17, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Friends and family of local “all-around artist” Will Bell braced themselves today after Bell posted a cryptic message on Facebook claiming he had “big things on the horizon,” knowing fully he was about to request money for whatever new project he’s planning.

“Every three months or so, he posts something like this,” said Facebook friend Julie Mazur, who hasn’t spoken to Bell in person since high school. “And then, about a day later, he’s set up a GoFundMe, Indiegogo, and some Facebook fundraiser asking for $3,000 for a band, or a theater company, or a podcast. I have no idea what this next one will be, but it will probably have to do with making art out of repurposed pallets or some shit.”

Bell, who most say is always “manically excited” about some kind of project he’s never ready to talk about, is known to abandon ideas long before they come to fruition. In fact, 100% of Bell’s previously successfully funded projects never saw the light of day, but the money was never returned.

“I know I’ve said this a million times, but this is it — this is the project that’s going to define who I am as an artist,” Bell said while frantically chain-smoking cigarettes. “All I need is $10,000 from friends, family, and strangers who love art. But I don’t want them to give me all their money… they should put some aside for extra underwear, because when they see what I’m cooking up, they’re gonna shit themselves.”

Prior to his most recent cryptic post, Bell unsuccessfully attempted to fund an independent film he claimed would be “‘The 400 Blows,’ but completely improvised,” which many took to mean he was too lazy to write a script.

“I love Will, but I’m also not dumb: the guy hasn’t made any ‘art’ since 2007 when he bought all of the VCRs from a Goodwill for an ‘installation piece’ that I never heard about again,” friend David Nadler said. “And guess who paid for those VCRs? Me.”

At press time, Bell had added a photograph of a pile of polystyrene styrofoam and bailing wire on Instagram, with the text, “Coming soon. Subscribe to my Patreon for updates!”

REPORT: Self-Driving Cars 95% Less Likely to Pull Off Sick Donuts in 7/11 Parking Lot

Posted on August 17, 2019 by Ben Doyle

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A disheartening new report from Tesla concluded earlier this week that self-driving cars are still years behind their traditional counterparts when it comes to perfecting a series of killer donuts in the parking lot of a 7/11.

“You need to understand that this AI simply isn’t sophisticated enough to handle a task as precise and delicate as shredding asphalt all over onlooking babes,” said Elizabeth Bream, a senior software engineer at Tesla. “We’ve built a prototype that can perform a donut at around 2 miles an hour — any faster than that and the car detects that you’ve gone into a lethal tailspin. We are, however, quite happy with the progress we’ve made, despite the disappointing feedback we’ve received from Test Babes.”

Local teenager and donut aficionado, Kevin Kinney, weighed in on behalf of traditional vehicles to express his thoughts on the report.

“You can’t pull off a wicked ‘nut without, like, putting your heart in it,” said Kinney. “And the thing about these robot cars, they don’t have hearts. I mean, I don’t think they have hearts. Maybe they do, fuck. I don’t know. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I’m really fucked up right now. Can I borrow your phone?”

Tesla CEO Elon Musk assured stockholders that, despite the report’s grim tone, he would have fully donut-capable autonomous cars on the road by 2021.

“This is a minor obstacle on a much larger obstacle course called ‘science,’” said Musk. “I have no doubts that my engineers can solve this so-called ‘impossible’ hitch in under two years. In fact, I can personally guarantee that by 2021, Teslas will be able to perform a donut in a 7/11 parking lot so fast, so elegant, so sexually powerful that women will literally pay you to have sex with them on the spot. If I’m wrong, I would encourage each and every one of you to file a lawsuit against my engineering team.”

At press time, Tesla was investigating a bug in their self-driving cars that caused them to follow the speed limit during a heated drag race.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

30-Year-Old Still Unsure If They Can Swear in Front of Parents

Posted on August 17, 2019 by Taylor Roebuck

PHOENIX — Local 30-year-old Arun Sharma tested today whether or not he can use expletives in front of his parents, as he’s still unsure if that’s allowed, equally uncertain sources confirm.

“Ah, shit… I think my mom heard me say ‘fuck,’” said Sharma. “And I just don’t know if she’s okay with it — I know I’m a grown adult, but it just feels weird. Yeah, I drink with them sometimes, but it doesn’t seem outside the realm of possibility that they’d send me to my room or something. Which’d be weird, because my dad uses it as an office now.”

Sharma’s partner Sam Neese is aware of his struggle, but had no advice to offer.

“Yeah… both my parents are dead, so I never really had to deal with this,” said Neese. “I’ve been tasked with watching his folks’ face when he says something vaguely vulgar, but they’re like poker players. I can’t effing tell.”

“Sorry, I mean fucking,” Neese added. “This whole thing’s been a total mind-frick.”

Dr. John Hammers, a professor of profanity at Carnegie Mellon University, has studied ways to dance around expletives in sensitive situations for decades.

“There are several tricks one can employ in situations such as this,” said Hammers. “He could start to say a word that begins with ‘f’ and really stretch out that sound. ‘Fuuudgesicles.’ See how I did that? Or, swear in a different language: that way, you can experience the catharsis of swearing without confronting the uncomfortable social aspects. Unless, of course, you’re in a multicultural household, in which case you’re ssssugar out of luck.”

When asked, Sharma’s parents were apathetic.

“I don’t give a fuck what he says. I just want him to start paying back some of the money we’ve loaned him,” said mother Anjali Sharma. “Actually, this is kind of a relief. His dad and I have been watching our language around him for years. It’s been a real pain in the ass.”

Poetic Justice: This Guitar Center Employee Just Sat in My House and Played With a Blender Then Left

Posted on August 17, 2019 by Jonah Nink

I wish I could take it back. I wish I had never set foot into that Guitar Center just before close and played guitar until the staff had to repeatedly ask me to leave. Not because I’m sad that I did that- I fucking shred, bro. Everything was all good until yesterday afternoon when one of those Guitar Center employees entered my house without invitation and played with my blender for an hour.

Boy do I have egg on my face. And not just from this guy’s poor blending technique and questionable smoothie recipes.

I acted without remorse and I paid the price. Yesterday I was the rock God of Glen Burnie, Maryland. Today I was utterly helpless as a big hairy guy wandered aimlessly through my kitchen, trying out all of my appliances before finding one to play with for the rest of the afternoon.

My first instinct was to call the cops or ask him to leave. but I was overcome by a sudden urge to ask if he needed an effects pedal. It was odd. Either way, he declined. The dude didn’t even want a tuner! Then again, my Vitamix is top of the line so it may have sounded that good already.

He asked me how it sounded and I told him it was good. Not gonna lie though, my blender really only makes one sound. Pretty sure he was trying to play Smoke on the Water. Amateur.

After he got bored and left I vowed to never disrespect a Guitar Center again. Next time I want to be an ass at a music store, I’ll just go to a Sam Ash location where that kind of behavior is encouraged.

Goth Movie Club Excited to Host 15th Consecutive Screening of “The Crow”

Posted on August 17, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

PITTSBURGH — A local film club consisting entirely of goths announced today that their next event will feature a screening of the 1994 film “The Crow” for the 15th consecutive week, delighted sources confirmed.

“After showing a few films last year that we should’ve researched better, like ‘Men in Black’ and ‘Black Christmas,’ we went back to what worked for us,” said Melody “Malady” Thompson, president of the Black Bars Film Club. “Please join us next Friday, as we screen the seminal goth classic ‘The Crow,’ and host yet another dance party afterwards featuring music from the feature film, ‘The Crow.’”

The Black Bars Film Club formed in the ashes of the Little Black Books book club, which met every month in the woods to discuss a different edition of James O’Barr’s beloved series of “The Crow” graphic novels. Ultimately, the book club disbanded upon discovering there were few viable options for their analysis.

“Yeah… we started with ‘The Crow’ for the first few months,” said former book club attendee Jeff Diaz. “And then we decided to mix it up and show ‘The Breakfast Club,’ since we all like Ally Sheedy’s character. But we must not have seen it in a while, because when you go back, she’s not really in it very much… and at the end, she totally sells out to get with a jock. We couldn’t fire ‘The Crow’ up fast enough after that.”

“We also tried to show the sequel one time, but it turns out there’s a huge difference between ‘City of Angels’ and ‘The Crow: City of Angels,’” he added.

1994’s “The Crow” is perhaps best known as the final role of actor Brandon Lee, who was tragically killed while filming a scene in which a live round was mistakenly discharged during an action sequence.

“I mean, it was already the perfect goth movie, due to its themes of like, death and stuff,” said Thompson. “But the fact that the star literally died making it… which a ton of people are still super sad about? Five star cinema right there. Did you ever see any of the sequels? Crocks of phony shit. Everyone lived through making them. This isn’t Disney club. We meet every third Wednesday.”

Nintendo Announces All Mario to be Paper by 2025

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — In an effort to combat the upcoming environmental changes expected to take place in the Mushroom Kingdom, Nintendo announced today that all Mario games released after 2025 will be set entirely in the Paper Mario series.

“For too long we’ve wasted precious finite resources on fully three dimensional Mario games,” said Shigeru Miyamoto in a surprise Nintendo Direct video streamed earlier this morning. “We don’t believe this model is sustainable for much longer, especially with the expected rising of water levels in all of our beloved classic Mario levels. We must do what we can to sustain the entire kingdom and get rid of our reliance on more costly and draining elements such as space travel and fully rendered character models.”

In addition to preserving the lifestyles of the inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom, the transition will also ease the resources spent on the actual production of the games themselves, it was reported.

“We spend a lot of computing power and man hours making the fully realized worlds of Galaxy and Odyssey,” said Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser later in the presentation. “Anyone that’s played one of the last few Paper Mario games can tell you that we tend to use a lot less resources and manpower on these. This switch to Paper should really cut down on our carbon footprint, and carry the Mario franchise into a less exciting, but sustainable future.”

The announcement was met with mixed reactions across the Nintendo fan community.

“I mean, if it’s what’s best for the open world environment, then I guess that’s fine,” said Sidney Blanchard, a long time Nintendo fan. “Those games are kinda fun and all, but they’re just not quite the same as the ones I grew up playing. Maybe they’ll figure out how to make them better over time though, and more like a real Mario game.”

At the conclusion of the Nintendo Direct, Bowser also revealed that the long awaited next entry in the Super Mario Kart franchise will exclusively feature pedal bikes.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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