6 People Who Make a Living Playing Video Games, Mom

Posted on by Peter Casciato

Video games are a huge industry these days. It’s not just for burnout 30-year-olds who still live with their parents, seriously! There’s tons of cool people online who get recognized for their gaming skills and then get paid to do it for real. I’m not making this stuff up. I even made a list to prove it. Here are just 6 examples of the many people out in the world who make a living playing video games, mom.

6 – Bugha

Mom, have you heard of Bugha? He was in the news recently. He just won $3 million playing Fortnite. $3 million! That’s way more money than I could make with an accounting degree or whatever you wanted me to go to school for. When I said Fortnite is homework, this is exactly what I was talking about.

5 – Alpharad

This other guy Alpharad just chills with his boys and plays Smash all day and he has like 1.5 million YouTube subscribers. That means he probably makes like $10,000 a video! As soon as I figure out how to get my stream set up running I’m going to be just like him. By the way, can I borrow $100 for a new graphics card? I promise it’s a good investment.

4 – Ninja

Ninja got to play Fortnite with Drake, Mom, which you’d know is the coolest thing ever if you ever bothered to try and understand the music that I like. Do you think going to community college so I can work at a State Farm or some shit is going to get me any closer to meeting Drake? I don’t think so.

3 – Lewis from the Yogscast 

It’s like Lewis just runs his own company, but other people do all the business shit and the hard work, and he just gets to play video games with his friends all day. I bet they don’t teach that in college. 

2 – Videogame Dunkey

Listen, Mom, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but this guy pretty much invented the Let’s Play format. He just hangs out, plays video games, doesn’t go to a boring job, and money pours in. There’s no other work involved! 

1 – PewDiePie

Of all the streamers, PewDiePie is — no, mom, stop. I know what he said, that’s not the point.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Still Dehydrated 11 PBRs In

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

HARRISONBURG, Va. — Local punk and obvious alcoholic Marcia Fries announced moments ago that despite consuming nearly a dozen cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in an attempt to beat the excruciating heat at a festival, she was somehow still incredibly dehydrated.

“After Grundle Mustard finished their set, I felt a little lightheaded, so I shotgunned six or seven PBRs to help my body recover a little bit. Apparently I wasn’t chugging fast enough, though, because I’m now unable to move,” said Fries, lying in a shallow mud pit surrounded by empty cans. “I’ve clearly got enough liquid in me to piss myself nonstop for the past 15 minutes, but honestly, I still feel a little parched.”

Rehydrating with PBR wasn’t a choice Fries made alone, first consulting with other concert attendees who claimed expertise in hydration.

“We’re pretty sure PBR is the number one drink for replenishing electrolytes without paying out the dick for some fancy-ass Gatorade like some athlete bitch,” explained self-proclaimed punk scientist Daryl “The Barrel” Johnson, poking absentmindedly at Fries’ inert body. “Sure, everybody loves them some blue flavor, but we recommend staying in your lane.”

According to several sources, however, Fries used PBR in an attempt to cure other ailments in the past.

“Just three weeks ago, Marcia got, like, the flu or cholera or something, and we weren’t even out of Walgreens before he was throwing back 40s of Pabst,” said Fries’ best friend and third cousin Candy Brown. “She felt horrible for several days, and might have even slipped into a coma there for a bit, but he obviously didn’t die… so it’s hard to say if the PBR helped or hurt, you know?”

At press time, Fries awoke, downed a twelfth PBR, and lit a joint, hoping to “boost that damn immune system the natural way.”

Photo by Shelby Kettrick.

Insomniac Employees Startled to Learn Sony Didn’t Already Own Insomniac

Posted on by Kyle Erf

BURBANK, Calif. — Chaos and confusion swept through Insomniac Games headquarters today as hundreds of employees found out they weren’t already working for Sony, report sources familiar with the studio.

“We are excited to finalize the paperwork we could have sworn we handed in two decades ago and announce our acquisition of Insomniac Games,” said Sony in a press release this afternoon. “Apparently that was Naughty Dog we bought back then. Honest mistake.”

The news left crowds of Insomniac employees in an existential frenzy.

“I need to call my accountant,” shouted one anonymous employee. “I maybe have been lying to the IRS for the last 10 years! Nobody is sure how we could have been independent this entire time. I mean, we made Spyro and Sony owns that!”

“Wait, Sony doesn’t own Spyro?” they added.

“It’s so weird to learn we actually weren’t official with Sony this whole time and suddenly now we are,” said Liz Gomez, a programming lead on Insomniac’s hit PS4 game Spider-Man. “This is just like the guy I was dating freshman year. Way to drag your feet, fellas!”

Witnesses noted that some employees seemed well aware of the news. Said another anonymous Insomniac worker, “Of course we weren’t owned by Sony. I worked my ass off for Sunset Overdrive, and that was Xbox-only. Remember?” However, an informal survey concluded that most employees did not remember Sunset Overdrive.

The news of Sony’s non-ownership of Insomniac Games culminated in a statement by CEO Ted Price this afternoon.

“Insomniac’s storied history as an independent game studio has opened a lot of doors for us to publish our back catalog on other platforms,” said a visibly disturbed Price to a crowd of reporters. “Or, it would have, had we actually known we were independent all this time!”

Internal sources confirmed that Insomniac has begun offering counseling to any employee who feels overwhelmed by the sudden news. In a related story across the Pacific, rumors are abuzz that Nintendo is preparing to finally buy the rights to Mario from the Japanese napkin and tissue paper conglomerate that created him.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Bernie Sanders Giving “1% Killer” Tattoos in Punk House Kitchen

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MISSOULA, Mont. — Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders gave several members of the Missoula DIY scene last night freehand tattoos in the kitchen of a punk house, freshly inked sources confirm.

“Man, Bernie’s really come a long way. I remember when he rolled through here back in 2016 and was doing stick-and-pokes of just like, crescent moons and smiley faces — real amateur shit,” explained Deandra Goodrich, showing off a “99%” tattoo she got from Sanders that has since faded into two misshapen S’s. “This time, my dude showed up with a real tattoo machine, plus latex gloves and everything. He’s not fucking around.”

Sanders reportedly settled on the “1% Killer” design after fumbling through countless attempts at memorializing a six minute-long speech he gave in 2002 opposing the Iraq War, which yielded several complaints.

“He said he had an idea for a cool freehand design, and I was pretty baked at the time, so I told him to just go ham,” said Akron, Ohio resident Makenzie Fischer. “But he was doodling around for like, seven hours — that thing covers by entire back and most of my butt. Plus, there are at least three typos I can see, and probably more I can’t.”

“Overall, though, I’m still down with Bernie, so no hard feelings. I’m gonna see if he can cover it up with a mural of Vermont and like, some moose or something next time he visits,” she added.

Despite his redemption, however, some housemates were not thrilled to host the presidential hopeful in their home.

“Man, I know everyone likes that guy… but you try dealing with a kitchen full of drunk people when you’re just trying to heat up a frozen lasagna after a 10-hour shift,” said house tenant and only person currently on the lease, Tommy Laemp. “If I have to put up with one more 70-something-year-old white dude coming in here and giving free tattoos about class warfare to anyone who wants them, I’m gonna lose my shit, for real.”

At press time, Sanders was removing two cone-shaped pieces of Scupli from a heated oven to help gauge a voter’s ears.

Modern-Day Frankenstein Homebrews People to Play D&D With

Posted on by Neil Floyd

SHEBOYGAN, Wisc. — In an act of hubris that defied the very laws of nature, avid D&D player and modern-day Dr. Frankenstein Ross Fleischer homebrewed people to run adventures with.

“I know what you’re thinking, but this was so much easier than finding people to play with,” said Fleischer. “Real, flesh-and-blood players are so flaky, and everybody in my friend group has basically abandoned me since they all got married and had kids. My… creations would never cancel on a session because their ‘husband’ had to ‘go to the hospital.’ I’ve homebrewed monsters, classes, and entire races before, so why shouldn’t I be able to create monstrous facsimiles of human life?” 

Then, the contemporary Prometheus walked over to a table covered in the vile detritus of 5th edition character sheets and D6s.

“It was difficult at first, but my failures didn’t deter me. They made me stronger,” Fleischer said with an unhinged giggle. “My first homebrewed player had an obscenely high Luck stat and rolled too many nat 20s. My second was proficient with smartphones, so she browsed Instagram whenever her character wasn’t doing anything. My third had the ‘sporty roommate who’s only playing to be polite’ background and ghosted me after the opening session. I do not know his whereabouts.”

“But my fourth was a huge breakthrough. He has a negative ‘argue with the DM’ modifier and the ‘Guilty Conscience’ class feature — which means he can always be convinced to play a session with me even when he’d rather watch TV.”

 Although Fleischer refuses to comment on his future creations, recent strikes of lightning seen around his Sheboygan apartment seems to indicate the arrival of a homebrewed cast of creatures to populate an entire D&D podcast.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

DIY Venue’s .org URL a Real Stretch

Posted on by Peter Woods

NORFOLK, Va. — The .org URL used by Norfolk DIY venue The Kirk Skramz-eron Center for Music and Culture blatantly misrepresents the level of organization behind the space, according to a new survey of both the local and national DIY scenes.

“Yeah… it’s rough there,” said Marty Powell, a former organizer and roommate at the space who recently left abruptly. “When I first got there, I expected it to be a whole thing… but it ended up just being this dysfunctional couple running shows out of their basement. And all they do is fight over everything, and then do whatever they want behind the other person’s back.”

“You can’t just call your relationship an organization,” added Powell. “It’s not right.”

Indeed, touring musicians have their own complaints.

“When I got into town, the only people I found at the house were members of three other touring bands expecting to play that night as well,” said folk artist Sonja Garrett. “It turns out they triple booked the basement that night, and didn’t even have the decency to tell us in person. We were also told there would be beer, but the fridge was chained shut.”

Following the survey, the supposed organizers of the venue challenged the accusations of disorganization.

“Just because people don’t understand how we operate doesn’t mean we are not an organization,” said Elena Swanson, half of the booking and venue management “team.” “If these accusations hold, the venue may have to change the URL immediately, and we really don’t have the money or technical know-how to handle that. I mean, we just had a board meeting last week to talk about a plan. I couldn’t get there because I was train hopping, but I’m pretty sure it happened.”

“I can show you the minutes. Just give me a second,” added Swanson as she rifled through a pile of used fast food wrappers.

However, further investigation refuted Swanson’s assertion.

“Oh, the board meeting? Yeah, I couldn’t make it either,” said Ricky Caldwell, Swanson’s partner. “But I’m pretty sure Elena was there, which means 50 percent of the board made it. And that’s quorum, I think. Or is it quota? I never actually read Robert’s Rules of Order. I’ll get to it next week.”

For God’s Sake Won’t Someone Please Help Me Remove This VIP Festival Bracelet, It Is a Constant Reminder of the Horrible Accident That Killed My Wife

Posted on by Keith Buckley

Erica, oh my God, no! Erica? ERICA??! Nonononono please come back to me. This can’t be real. My beautiful Erica, snatched from me in the blink of an eye. If only I could kiss you once more. If only I could tell you how much you mean to me. If only I hadn’t bought two non-refundable VIP packages to Bonnaroo on Groupon and made you stand next to me on the side of the stage during Juice Wrld (even though you don’t really like him) where a faulty stage truss fell directly on top of you and crushed you to death.

I have many wishes right now, my dearest Erica. Chief among them is getting this VIP wristband off without totally ruining it so I can prove to my dick head brother that I was like 15 feet from Juice Wrld. Then maybe… just maybe… I might finally begin to heal.

What is this friggin thing made out of anyway, some sort of advanced alien polymers? I seriously almost dislocated my fingers trying to pull it apart. It’s been nearly 24 hours since my love was taken from me and whenever I look at it all I can think about is how fucking jealous Craig is going to be when I prove to him I was so close to Juice Wrld I could basically smell his cologne and how it’s the exact same bracelet my dead wife (Erica) had on when they pulled her unrecognizable corpse from the mangled wreckage of that faulty stage truss.

This very bracelet that is going to make Craig wish he never posted that video of me falling off a horse is precisely the same one that granted her access into the exclusive VIP side-stage lounge where her soul would ascend into heaven during the first song of Juice Wrld’s absolutely epic performance. I wonder if Erica is still wearing her bracelet in heaven. She wasn’t nearly as strong as me and, like I said before, I’m having a really hard time removing it.

Of course, they probably have super duper sharp scissors in heaven so Erica definitely lucked out there. But back here on earth I, of course, had no choice but to rent an apartment like 20 minutes from the nearest Target. But honestly, even if Target was directly next door there is no fucking way I’m going to spend $15 on a new pair when I know for a FACT I just bought some last December. There must be some other way to rip through whatever enhanced fabric this thing is made of so I can forget the inhuman sound Erica made when her head was caved in by a rebar joist once and for all.

Oh my sweet, sweet baby. Please, if you’re out there- if our love is as strong in death as it was in life- give me a sign as to how I might get this bracelet off so I can move on from this tragedy while still having a sick souvenir to rub in Craig’s face. It is a painful reminder of not only the accident that killed you, but also the weird sound thing your throat made because you were currently drinking an overpriced margarita that you’re never going to be able to Venmo me for like you said you would and Juice Wrld’s insanely comprehensive set list and incredible production that Craig will never see because he’s a fuckin lame ass piece of shit.

I understand not making it out of paper because bootleggers and counterfeiters might duplicate it and sell it or pass it back and forth between people who didn’t get the VIP package on Groupon without checking with you first like I did, but couldn’t they make the locking mechanism out of a material that can dissolve in water or something? That way, if the wristband reminds you of your wife’s absolutely gruesome and unnecessary death you could take it off but still have it in tact for when you wanted to make your shit head of an older brother jealous.

What is this irreversible drawstring bullshit? I’m like a prisoner. Oh and also, of course, a widower. Your soul is freed from its mortal coil, my precious Erica and I know that God has set a place at his table for his newest, most perfect angel. I just hope he doesn’t make you wear one of these VIP bracelets to get a drink though! Hahaha just kidding. Rest In Peace for real, all jokes aside. I will never forget you, especially if no one can help me get this bracelet off without ruining it before I have a chance to show Craig. He’s going to be so fucking jealous. I wish you were here to see his face!

Overzealous Matt Skiba Emails Green Day His Resume

Posted on by Tim Nash

LOS ANGELES — Matt Skiba, guitarist and vocalist for celebrated pop-punk bands Alkaline Trio and Blink-182, emailed his resume this morning to Northern California punk legends Green Day, management representatives confirmed.

“I’ve spent over 20 years fronting my own group, and nearly five now with Blink,” said a gravelly voiced Skiba. “I know my strengths — I thrive in three-piece bands. People suggested I join the Foo Fighters, but they’ve got way too many members for me to deal with. Green Day seems like the logical next step for my career… and to be honest, I think they could use a shot of what I’ve got brewing.”

Joining Blink-182 in 2015 following the unexpected-but-not-really departure of guitarist Tom DeLonge, Skiba received his first Grammy nomination with the band for 2016’s “California.” Reportedly, that is when he began to consider other musical options — though current bandmate and Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus claimed he saw signs early on.

“It was clear we wouldn’t be able to keep Matt with us forever. I told our drummer Travis [Barker], ‘This kid is lightning in a bottle,’ and he did us a big favor stepping in… even if I only ever let him sing the second verses on new songs. I wish him nothing but the best should he choose to leave,” said a clearly heart-broken Hoppus, glancing wistfully at recent promo photos of the band. “You wouldn’t happen to know if the Simple Plan guy can still sing through his nose, would you? I swear, I’m close to asking Liam Gallagher at this point.”

Noted for his meticulous commitment to professionalism throughout his career, Skiba has consistently chosen projects with purpose. Those close to him say he tries to “always think two steps ahead.”

“He’s still doing that, huh?” laughed NOFX bassist “Fat” Mike Burkett. “I gave Matt a fake Green Day email address years ago; I thought for sure he’d given up on that by now and tried to just butter them up on Instagram. Watch — I bet I could even get Matt to try and join the Ramones.”

At press time, Skiba was seen updating his LinkedIn and messaging Jawbreaker.

Solo Indie Developer Announces Devastating Company-Wide Layoff

Posted on by Brandon Carbaugh

CLEVELAND — Independent game developer and CEO of Tilt Forward Games Jake Smith announced sweeping layoffs that reportedly devastated its singular employee Jake Smith.

In a brief blog post, founder Jake Smith explained the company’s motivation for the “tragic but necessary move,” citing lower-than-expected quarterly earnings, as well as a series of missed milestones on Runny Gun Chronicles, the studio’s much-anticipated battle royale platformer MMO, which has been in development since 2013.

Nonetheless, scores of outraged employee took to Twitter to criticize how the layoffs were handled, including character artist Jake Smith.

Smith added, “I just don’t understand how management didn’t see this coming.”

A GoFundMe was started to help those in need, while employee reactions to the news were collected under the hashtag #JakeSmithLayoffs. Community manager Jake Smith warned other developers, “This is why we need to unionize,” while producer Jake Smith lamented, “I’m skeptical unionization will ever happen in this industry, and I’m not even sure it would have helped in this case. The atmosphere was very toxic.” 

Before shutting the studio down, CEO Jake Smith attempted to save the company by merging with Blizzard, but that fell through after his job application there was rejected. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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