Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Discord User Accidentally Mutes Self While Using Toilet

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Hard Drive Staff

PHOENIX — A discord user named FrankieStudz made the unforgivable error of muting his microphone while he excused himself to use the restroom, several participants in a group chat confirmed.

“Studz said he had to take a huge shit, and we all wanted to hear that fucker, but he muted himself like a complete tool,” said MarkTalbott1434, a member of Studz’ Real Gamerz Only channel. “Completely disrespectful to all of us that wanted to hear that bad boy splash into the toilet. What a conceited prick.”

Several associates of Studz’s confirmed that this was not the first time he acted in an oblivious manner towards the wishes of his fellow gamers in the Discord channel.

“He’s always doing something obnoxious like that,” said VapeEscape, a fellow member of the group. “When he eats he mutes his mic, so we’re really in the dark usually about how crunchy his meal is, or if he’s enjoying it or not, that kind of thing. And when we’re in a squad, he never provides constant updates of the inconsequential shit he’s off doing. I can’t even remember the last time he screamed like a total maniac for absolutely no reason. Some people are just so selfish.”

After receiving an anonymous email containing a chat log from a private group holding a discussion about his transgressions, Studz was vocally hurt and confused by the sentiments contained in them.

“Wait, so my friends all want to hear me take a dump?” he pondered.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Considers Self Socially Liberal, Fiscally Racist

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Freelancer

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Local man Seth Richardson stunned friends and colleagues earlier this week when he announced in a 600-word Facebook post that, after much rationalizing and political deliberation, he now identifies as a social liberal and fiscal racist.

“Listen, there’s no point getting emotional about politics, alright? I don’t want to pay an income tax just so some welfare queens I’ve never met can live large on food stamps that come out of my paycheck,” said Richardson, 31, a staunch opponent of reparations who was very effusive about owning all five seasons of “The Wire” on DVD. “But it’s not like those are social issues. I may support privatization of prisons, but I’m still a champion of social progressivism. I’ve watched Lizzo’s NPR ‘Tiny Desk’ concert no less than three times.”

Amira Youssef, the human resources manager at Richardson’s company, reportedly spoke with Richardson about expressing his views in the workplace.

“Seth complained to me that it was too draining ‘coming out’ with his political beliefs in the office,” said Youssef. “I told him to stop talking about, like, eugenics and shit at work, but he completely missed the point — he then spent 10 minutes trying to explain that he’s not problematic, because he went to S.F. Pride for over an hour with his girlfriend three years ago.”

Yvette Robinson, a social and demographic trend researcher at the Pew Research Center, claimed that Richardson may not be the first to adopt this unique political stance.

“It’s quite intriguing, really. I’ve never actually seen someone advocating for racial gerrymandering as explicitly as Mr. Richardson does,” said Robinson. “In general, though, this kind of political hyper-compartmentalization is something we’ve been seeing more and more of lately. We’re thinking of calling it the ‘Village Paradigm,’ because much like the ending of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2004 film ‘The Village,’ it doesn’t make any fucking sense.”

Richardson later announced in a subsequent Facebook post that he is adopting veganism on ethical grounds, with the exception of all periods during which the Two-for-$5 Mix ‘N Match deal is on at Arby’s.

5 Signs Your Belligerently Drunk Sobbing Friend Might Need Help

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Kevin Tit

Friends are arguably just as, if not more, important than family. A bond thicker than blood. They’re there for us during the best and worst times of our lives. You take care of each other. That’s why, if your friend is ever belligerently drunk and sobbing, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the potential warning signs that they might need help.

1. Marathon Day Drinking:
There is absolutely, positively, nothing wrong with occasional day drinking. There is absolutely a cause for concern when your friend is chasing mouthwash with whiskey every morning in the office break room. I mean, if you’re gonna do it, drink the whiskey first. It’s definitely a cry for help.

2. Poor Hygiene:
That leads me to this next thing. Poor Hygiene is another dead give away that your buddy is in trouble. I’m not just talking booze breath at work. I’m talking piss. It may not seem like a big deal that your 36-year-old friend has pissed themselves at the bar for the twelfth time this month. Who cares, right? They still shower consistently. But how about those shoes? The same shoes they keep wearing. The shoes that have become neglected sponges of piss. It’s gross and they want you to notice.

3. Swerving Erratically Behind The Wheel:
This is arguably one of the most important things to look out for. If you find yourself riding in the passenger seat of your buddy’s ride, after a night of Long Island Iced Teas and Irish Car Bombs, it’s important to be vigilant. Falling asleep behind the wheel and gradual veering off the road are expected in situations like these. What might be a cause for alarm is when the driver starts swerving back and forth screaming “None of this matters!” down the interstate.

4. Starting To Sound Like Your Dad:
This is one I hope nobody ever has to experience. A lot of people struggling with an internal conflict tend to project their insecurities onto others and sometimes those projections sound much like your father used to. “Shut up! I know what I’m doing!” or “Get a real job, you scab!” and “You are the reason your mother and I hate each other” are just a few examples of things your struggling friend may be screaming at you from across the bar.

5. Laying in a puddle of their own piss scream crying “Oh my god! I need help!” in the middle of the neighborhood farmers market:
The natural reaction to seeing somebody screaming face down in a puddle of piss at your local Sunday morning farmers market is to ignore them. Obviously. But when that embarrassing sack of public humiliation is your friend, studies have shown you should not. There is a good chance that they’re screaming “My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do” because they need you to be there for them. The way they were there for you that time you almost got arrested for drunkenly cry-puking on all the laptops in an apple store.

Castlevania Creators Admit Alucard’s Name Was an Unintentional Coincidence

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Kellen Beck

TOKYO — A group of longtime Konami employees behind the iconic video game series Castlevania caused a commotion at a press conference today after admitting they didn’t realize the character Alucard’s name actually spelled “Dracula” backwards.

Hitoshi Akamatsu, director of the first three Castlevania games, somberly addressed reporters during his first public appearance in decades with the revelation outside of Konami’s U.S. headquarters in El Segundo, California.

“The name of Dracula’s son was a complete coincidence,” Akamatsu said with deep embarrassment, referring to the character who was first introduced in 1989’s Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse. “After the public made the connection between the names of Dracula and Alucard, we held an emergency meeting and decided to pretend that we intended to do that all along.”

When pressed about the fact that the character Alucard had already been established more than 40 years earlier in the 1943 film Son of Dracula, Castlevania character designer Ayami Kojima was visibly confused.

“There’s a movie about Alucard?” Kojima asked the crowd, brow furrowed.

Reporters who were present continued to press the Castlevania team until the conference was abruptly ended following a question about whether any of them had even read Bram Stoker’s Dracula before.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Kilt Guy at Dropkick Murphys’ Show Playing a Dangerous Game by Crowd Surfing

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Local infamous “Kilt Guy” Jeremy Flanagan played a dangerous, nard-threatening game last night by crowd surfing at a Dropkick Murphys’ show with only his plaid gabardine protecting his manhood, skeeved-out sources confirmed.

“By the time doors opened, Jeremy was drunk as hell… but in his defense, it’s impossible to make it through a Dropkick show parking lot without everyone inviting you to their keg for a beer. And that goes double if you show up wearing a kilt with a custom Dropkick Murphys sporran,’” explained friend Bridgid Loftu. “I tried to talk him out of wearing it — I told him kilts are more of a Scottish thing and that he looked pretty stupid — but like most Irish-Americans, he didn’t care. Three songs in, and he’s trying to jump the guardrail and climb on stage; next thing I knew he was up over my head, trying to hold his skirt in place.”

Those in the pit felt obliged to support Flanagan, with most simply closing their eyes, throwing their hands up in the air, and hoping to touch his back or leg. Some, like Dean Gallagher, weren’t so lucky.

“I first saw [Flanagan] waiting in line, standing over a subway grate blowing up his kilt, Marilyn Monroe-style. Naturally, I was shocked to see him again in the pit being passed towards me ass-first,” said Gallagher. “I dropped to the floor to avoid him, but everyone thought I accidentally fell and picked me back up… and sure enough, kilt guy’s bangers and mash were on my forehead. I don’t care if this jeff cap was my grandfather’s — I’m burning it as soon as I get home.”

Head of security Dirk Boldin warned that appearances by “kilt guys” are not limited to Dropkick Murphys’ concerts.

“We see kilt guys hanging brain at metal shows all the time, too. Not sure why. What’s the appeal of freeballing in a dark theater with hundreds of sweat-drenched meatheads?” said Boldin. “Maybe these guys should try sucker punching strangers in the pit like normal people.”

At press time, Flanagan was at the bar, planning his next dive while enjoying an Irish Car Bomb and a napkin full of ice on his severely bruised testicles.

Marvel Allowed Weekend and Holiday Visitation With Tom Holland

Posted on August 20, 2019 by Zach Raffio

LOS ANGELES — In a controversial move, Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios announced today the termination of their contract allowing the Spider-Man character to remain within the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The terms of their deal do, however, permit Marvel weekend and certain holiday visitation with Spider-Man star Tom Holland, sources confirm.

“We’ve raised the boy, so we deserve to be a part of his life,” Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said, according to those familiar with the situation. “This change is going to be hard enough for Tom and he shouldn’t have all communication with us cut off. I’m happy we were able to arrange weekends and holidays, and hope that things can remain civil moving forward — for his sake.”

“I was hoping we could weekends, holidays, and television, but maybe after working on our relationship for a few years, we can work that out too.”

Executives from both Sony and Marvel were seen leaving the Stanley Mosk Courthouse in Los Angeles at around 1:30 p.m. today, with members of Marvel’s team in tears as they watched Sony Chairman Tim Rothman drag Holland by the arm, with the 23-year old actor holding on tightly to his teddy bear and asking why “Kevvy” was so sad.

“We are doing what’s best for Tom,” claimed Rothman, buckling Holland into the backseat of his 2017 Toyota Sienna. “He may not realize it now, but one day he’s going to thank us,” he added before lighting up a cigarette and speeding out of the lot.

Judge Benjamin Rose provided his comments on the proceedings.

“You never want to see such a tight-knit corporate relationship fall apart,” he noted. “You always hope they’ll work it out, and that receiving millions of dollars in merchandise benefits would be enough for one mega corporation to sustain, but I guess human nature takes over. I pray for all parties involved.”

At press time, Sony CEO Anthony Vinciquerra was seen preparing Holland a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, but not quite how the actor likes it, causing him to throw a fit which resulted in the grown man crying on the kitchen floor, saying he felt far from home.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Anarchist Father Teaches Son to Throw Perfect Spiral Through Starbucks Window

Posted on August 20, 2019 by James Knapp

TOWSON, Md. — Noted anarchist and father Conor “Red” Hampton spent a wholesome afternoon yesterday teaching his 12-year-old son Dennis the ideal technique for throwing a brick through the window of Starbucks location No. 184,092, security footage confirmed.

“The boy’s a fast learner,” said Mr. Hampton of his son’s aptitude with politically motivated projectiles. “Anarchism has been the Hampton family’s way of life for generations — it’s important to me to teach my son how to smash the corporate state, just like my father, and his father before him. There’s actually a family legend that my great-great-grandfather developed the technique for putting topspin on a Molotov cocktail.”

The younger Hampton, excited to spend quality time on “sports” with his father, expressed reservations about the practice as a whole.

“Yeah… I guess I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I have the same passion for abolishing the government and capitalism as my dad does,” said the precocious child. “All he ever talks about is anarchy. I know I’m supposed to follow in his footsteps and keep the family tradition alive, but I have dreams, too.”

“I just don’t know how to tell him that, sometimes, what I really want to do with my life is go to business school,” he added. “Then maybe get an unpaid internship at a hedge fund. But I can’t. It would break his heart.”

Sources close to the family confirmed that tensions have elevated since Dennis started showing resistance to his father’s anarchist teachings.

“For as long as I can remember, Red would read his kids Howard Zinn before bed,” said longtime anarchist and permanent Hampton houseguest Adam Watson. “It’s been different lately, though: Dennis wants to spend his Sunday nights watching ‘Shark Tank.’ Usually, every year, the family makes a pilgrimage to Braintree, Mass. to see the location of the shoe factory the anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti robbed, but this year, Dennis flipped out and demanded they go to Disneyland instead. I’m worried about that kid.”

Dennis’ mother, Teresa “Witchy” Hampton, was unable to comment as she was busy teaching her daughter various recipes from the “Anarchist Cookbook.”

Activision Developer Just Gonna Name Another Kid ‘Dave’

Posted on August 20, 2019 by Doug Francisco

IRVINE, Calif. — Senior Activision level designer Pete Matthews has decided to just go ahead and name his eighth child Dave, a name shared by his first son.

“We named our first son Dave, and it redefined what it meant to have a child. Everything was so new and fresh in this beautiful thing we created,” Matthews said in an interview Tuesday. “Next we had Daniel, Daniel 2, Daniel III, Daniel 4, Michelle: The Lone Daughter, and then Keith: Black Ops.”

Matthews explained that while they love all of their children and don’t regret any of them, they knew that it was time to throw out the old ways and go back to square one with their latest son.

“What we realized when we sat down to make our eighth child was that each of the subsequent children lost something, and failed to live up to that original dream,” he said. “But we’ve put in the work to make sure that the new Dave captures everything that we found magical about the first.”

Dave’s mother, who works as a developer at Activision rival EA, said that much of the decision was driven by community response to the previous seven children.

“We’re listening to feedback from everywhere. Teachers, other parents, classmates’ playtesting reports. We know what people love about Dave, and we know what might be lacking with the other six,” Claudia said. “Which isn’t to say they’re bad kids. I’ve heard from plenty of people that Daniel III is actually their favorite in the series,” she said, and paused for a moment before adding, “of my children.”

Despite the name and optimistic promises from the two parents, early reports paint a different picture of the new Dave. The Matthews’s longtime babysitter, Patricia Isaacs, says that the baby has serious stability issues. In response, the couple have released a statement.

“We hope to address these and other issues in the coming months as our new Dave acquires some level of motor function,” the statement reads in part. “Even Dave Prime had issues eating and supporting his enormous head at launch.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Report: Cousin At Family Reunion Has Weed If You Need Any

Posted on August 20, 2019 by Shawn Murray

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Your younger cousin Blake Liston-Schneider confirmed moments ago that he has some “dank nugs” if you’re interested in smoking any during the three-day family reunion you’re both attending, adult sources who have easy access to marijuana and its byproducts confirmed.

“We can light up right now, if you want,” the barely-bar mitzvahed child said, oblivious that you’ve been high as fuck since the moment you stepped off your Delta flight. “B-Dawg to the rescue, am I right? What would you do without me?”

The announcement came as no surprise, as this is not your cousin’s first time letting you know that he’s “not that little punk crybaby anymore” — as evidenced by his attempt to smoke with you at his own mother’s birthday party six months ago.

“Yeah, thank God my little cousin Blake’s here,” you said to yourself of the child who offered to take you to his friend Danny’s house and “get you ripped” on Danny’s brother’s glass piece, Kim Bong-Un. “I would never have found weed at the height of its popularity in a major American tourist destination without the help of him and his 13-year-old hookup.”

However, your rebuff of his offer, citing your need to nap and unwind after the flight you just took to get here, did nothing to limit his zeal to “finally” smoke with you — which, by his estimation, has been a “long time coming.”

“Well, Mom got me and Sarah our own room this year so she can spend time with her work friend, Mike,” your cousin explained. “Sarah knows better than to rat on us, so we can play ‘Fortnite’ and toke all night. I also have a vintage Four Loko I’ve been saving for a special occasion. Bottom’s up!”

At press time, you took a pull from the $70 vape pen lying in plain sight, and debated contacting Blake’s older brother Ricky to see if he can cop any blow.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes: This Guy Fucked My Wife While Wearing a Cape

Posted on August 20, 2019 by Dan Rice

When you hear the word hero, you probably think of Batman or Superman or maybe The Martian Manhunter. It’s a word that in our modern times evokes the fanciful, calling to mind images of super powered altruistic beings that populate our comic books, TV shows, and films. Well, all of that stuff may make for good entertainment, but it’s important that we remember that not all heroes wear capes. Take, for example, the asshole I caught drilling my wife while wearing a cape. That man is no hero.

This so-called Dick Man (I know that’s his name because he shouted “Dick Man away!” before leaping off of my wife and out of our bedroom window) has no powers or abilities beyond that of mortal men. That is unless you consider the ability to suss out a marriage that’s hit a bit of a rough patch and capitalize on it for your own bizarrely niche gratification to be a superpower, which I do not! No, in my book that’s just called “being a predatory asshole.”

And you know what? This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened to me. Oh no, I’ve been burned before. One time I was on the subway with a guy I assumed was a hero, on account of the fact that he was wearing a cape. Big mistake. Turns out the “Mole King” was just some insane drug addict. He Stabbed me. That was his power. Stabbing me.

Literally 100% of the people I’ve met who wear capes have been total dicks.

There was Captain Refund, that sign spinner who got me to do my taxes at that place that ripped me off. There were those LARPers who ruined my camping trip. There was that Elvis impersonator who also fucked my wife.

Hell, don’t take my word for it, look at history! Hitler, the Spanish Inquisition, Dracula, what do they have in common, besides being monsters? They all wore capes sometimes! What happens when you get to the last level of Street Fighter 2 right before you get to fight M. Bison? Dude has to take his cape off!

When placed under the slightest scrutiny the entire notion that people who wear capes are heroes crumbles. They are a menace, and soon I will rid the world of them once and for all. Once I complete construction of my death ray the world will be mine to shape and mold as I see fit! Maybe then my wife will stop stepping out so much!

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