MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Your younger cousin Blake Liston-Schneider confirmed moments ago that he has some “dank nugs” if you’re interested in smoking any during the three-day family reunion you’re both attending, adult sources who have easy access to marijuana and its byproducts confirmed.
“We can light up right now, if you want,” the barely-bar mitzvahed child said, oblivious that you’ve been high as fuck since the moment you stepped off your Delta flight. “B-Dawg to the rescue, am I right? What would you do without me?”
The announcement came as no surprise, as this is not your cousin’s first time letting you know that he’s “not that little punk crybaby anymore” — as evidenced by his attempt to smoke with you at his own mother’s birthday party six months ago.
“Yeah, thank God my little cousin Blake’s here,” you said to yourself of the child who offered to take you to his friend Danny’s house and “get you ripped” on Danny’s brother’s glass piece, Kim Bong-Un. “I would never have found weed at the height of its popularity in a major American tourist destination without the help of him and his 13-year-old hookup.”
However, your rebuff of his offer, citing your need to nap and unwind after the flight you just took to get here, did nothing to limit his zeal to “finally” smoke with you — which, by his estimation, has been a “long time coming.”
“Well, Mom got me and Sarah our own room this year so she can spend time with her work friend, Mike,” your cousin explained. “Sarah knows better than to rat on us, so we can play ‘Fortnite’ and toke all night. I also have a vintage Four Loko I’ve been saving for a special occasion. Bottom’s up!”
At press time, you took a pull from the $70 vape pen lying in plain sight, and debated contacting Blake’s older brother Ricky to see if he can cop any blow.