Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

David Koch Still on Wrong Side of River Styx After Refusing to Pay One-Cent Ferry Tax

Posted on August 23, 2019 by Andy Holt

STYX — Recently deceased billionaire and libertarian political donor David H. Koch was reportedly still camped on the edge of the river Styx this morning, unable to reach the afterlife after refusing to pay the required one-cent fee to access the ferry.

“I don’t see why there needs to be a blanket fee for everybody when we could simply allow the market to determine a fair price,” said Koch, shivering over a small fire at the edge of the ancient river that separates the mortal world from the realm in which all human souls rest together in eternity, free from pain and worry. “I see a lot of profit to be made here.”

Koch also voiced his displeasure at the state of the boat itself, a flat wooden ferry pushed along by Charon, the boatman whose sole purpose is to guide humans through the transition.

“This is what you get when you let the government in,” Koch said, pointing at the old boat where Charon waited to reunite Koch’s spirit with those of his beloved friends and family. “Open this market up, you’re going to get some investors down here and turn this whole operation around. I would be happy to pay a million or two for a nice yacht ride.”

Charon reportedly felt there had been a misunderstanding between himself and Koch.

“The coin is more like, you know, a metaphorical thing,” said Charon. “Giving up your worldly possessions so you can move into the afterlife on an equal footing with everyone else. That’s why we make it so cheap. I’m not sure if this guy really gets it.”

Koch brushed off concerns that a free market would raise the price beyond what most could afford.

“If people couldn’t afford a yacht they could swim. I think you could make it across,” he said, peering across the massive river. “Not me, of course. Poor people.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Audience Just Sticking Around to See How Drummer Incorporates That Gong

Posted on August 23, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

BARRE, Vt. — Audience members at a local mixed bill show have collectively agreed to stick around for a little longer, curious to see how the band currently setting up will incorporate the giant gong they just dragged onto the stage.

“We’ve been through a lot tonight — there was a noise band that started things off by throwing nails everywhere, followed by a pop-punk band that only played one song, then a doom metal band that really fucked this place up with their fog machine, so we’re all a bit worn out,” said attendee Davin Leonard. “We were all ready to call it a night, and then all of a sudden, two guys come in pushing that gong. And this was no cheap, piece-of-shit novelty gong: this thing was the real deal. If they smash that bad boy right before a breakdown, I’m not sure anyone makes it out of here alive.”

Other musicians on the bill agreed.

“I have no idea where they might take this thing. If they’re a drone metal band, then it might be sort of ambient background noise… but if they turn out to be a speed metal band, then who knows?” said David “The Mule” Carter, the bass player for psychobilly band Demented Rocket. “The most exciting part about this is the guy doesn’t seem to have a typical mallet to smash that gong with — he has a baseball bat with a boot taped to it. The anticipation is killing me.”

Experts warned, however, that the band needs to use the gong early or they risk losing the crowd.

“There is a music principle known as ‘Chekhov’s Gong,’ which states that, if you introduce a gong into your setup, then you better use it by the third song or it shouldn’t be hanging there,” said music historian Dana Langbrauer. “If the gong goes unplayed for too long, the crowd will lose interest and not trust you as musicians. There’s a school of thought that not playing the gong at all is a statement on its own, but I would just call that lazy.”

Following their performance, members of the band MacGuffin admitted they stole the gong from the doorway of a nearby Chinese food restaurant in hopes of selling it for beer money later.

Newlyweds Exchange Phone Numbers

Posted on August 23, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BETHPAGE, N.Y. — A couple of newlyweds, Marissa and Frank Carter, cemented their love for each other at their wedding today, concluding the marriage ceremony with the ritualistic exchange of their phone numbers for the first time.

“It’s gonna be a weird thing to get used to for sure!” said Frank Carter, rolling hand around and feeling the weight of the new ring and contact in his cellphone. “I feel like I have a lot of little things to learn. Like do I take my ring off in the shower? Do I stop exclusively texting my wife through Instagram DMs now that I have her actual phone number? Married life is strange!”

According to those at the wedding, the ceremony was especially beautiful.

“Aunt Marissa looked very happy,” said the 6-year-old numberbearer, Steven Casterly. “I got to carry the phone numbers on a pillow! I hope one day when I get married, the person doesn’t end up having green texts, though.”

As of press time, Frank called his newly married wife on her phone but she didn’t pick up because she “doesn’t really do calls.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Surf Rock Band Playing in Hidden Corner of Venue Only Locals Know About

Posted on August 22, 2019 by Ben Friedman

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Popular local surf rock band Neutral Milk Hotel California is rumored to be playing a show tonight at a bar in a secret back room only locals know about, according to anonymous sources.

“Look, I’m not risking some poser tourists traipsing into our spot and ruining the vibe with shitty pit etiquette,” said longtime resident Anne O’Neill. “Let’s just say there might be a little corner in the bar where the reverb sounds 10 times clearer than the main room. I was one of 20 people to see Wavves play their first show there 11 years ago. You have to live here to appreciate it.”

While locals were tight-lipped about the whereabouts of the upcoming show, rumors abound that the hidden spot could be accessed if one knew who to ask.

“We get a lot of randos here to see stuff like the Trashmen jamming on ‘Surfin Bird’ for an hour straight. But for the right price, an intrepid visitor could find a little spot where the beer is colder and the sound just washes over you,” said bar owner Fred Sullivan. “If you want to see the good shit, order a Blue Hawaiian from Stella and leave a tenner on the bar… and she just might escort you to another door just beyond the kitchen. But be cool. And don’t tell your friends.”

The hidden area, rumored to have showcased some of the best surf rock bands of the last decade, is fiercely guarded by locals — some of whom will go to almost any length to protect it.

“I took a scenic route to the bathroom, so I walked through a door next to the deep fryer and there was this neat little room with a fun band playing… and I could’ve sworn it was Jack Johnson,” said Jim Conners, a Minnesotan in town for his cousin’s wedding. “I asked the guy next to me if I was right, and his face went red and he called me a ‘fucking shoebee’. Next thing I know, people are chucking full cans of beer at me. I’ll tell ya, these Californians aren’t as laid back as the travel guide said.”

At press time, Huntington Beach residents were horrified to discover that the secret room had been posted to TripAdvisor with only a 2.5 star rating.

Critical Role Fan Surprised His DM Not Performing at Level of Award-Winning Voice Actor

Posted on August 22, 2019 by Jimmy Beliakoff

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — During the first session of a game of Dungeons & Dragons with a new group this morning, longtime Critical Role fan Martin Clemens was reportedly shocked and dismayed that his Dungeon Master wasn’t putting on a performance as practiced and high-quality as 11-time award-winning voice actor Matthew Mercer.

“He couldn’t even make up an entire storied character on the spot when necessary,” Clemens said about the incident. “I started pressing a blacksmith at this village for his opinions on the region’s monarch or if he had a quest for revenge or something. Fuckin’ nothing! He didn’t even have a cool Scottish accent. He just sounded like Zack talking normally.”

Zack Borman, the novice Dungeon Master for the game in question, was noticeably frustrated by Clemens’ attitude.

“We’ve all played in different campaigns before, but I just thought it would be fun to try out DMing for this one,” Borman said. “I watched a few Matt Colville videos and took exactly one session of improv class one time. Most of the Critical Role cast has been acting since before I was born.”

When asked if they planned to continue the campaign, Borman was non-committal.

“Martin told me to at least finish all 115 episodes of Season 1 before we give it another shot, but I’m not about to suffer through even 10 minutes of Tiberius Stormwind. Besides, all the players in our campaign would need to roll up new characters, because, well…”

Borman then revealed that the D&D session had ended abruptly when he announced that the cave ceiling had collapsed upon the players and they all died, but especially Clemens’ character, who died the most painfully.

“Yeah, that ending was bullshit,” Clemens said. “It’s like he wasn’t even trying.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cutting Edge Microwave Pre-Programmed to Stop One Second Before Timer

Posted on August 22, 2019 by Taylor Smart

BOSTON — General Electric introduced their “early discharge” microwave oven technology today, which is expected to improve user experience by stopping a cooking sequence one second before the standard, annoying buzzer goes off.

“At G.E., we are always looking for ways to make our customers happy, and our number one initiative is to take the stress out of microwaving,” said General Electric Senior Product Manager Alex Ambolton. “Some historians theorize that King Henry’s actual motivation for beheading his many wives was salvaging the relationships of insulted dinner party guests. With our new technology, whether you’re nuking the entrée or the appetizer, no guests of any kind will suffer through the unbearable beeping.”

Users are heralding G.E. as “saints” for making the first beep-free microwave, but according to engineers, the lack of beep was nothing more than a happy accident.

“Our initial mockup included a beep that’d be loud enough for a person to hear even if they were in the shower, but due to a work slow-down at the chime factory, we couldn’t get the component into our demo microwave,” said chief engineer Angela Bingham. “Our programmers panicked and had the microwave shut down when the display read 00:01… but when we began to demo it, people loved the feature. Apparently, the public wanted this for years but was too ashamed to ask.”

According to the Center for Disease Control, the positive ramifications of early discharge technology extend to consumer health as well.

“Microwave-induced finger-jamming injuries have skyrocketed across marijuana-forward states — lots of people admitted themselves to the emergency room with finger sprains and, in some cases, even compound fractures,” said CDC worker Reeve Haldrup. “You accept the risk every time you hit the ‘Start’ button on a generic microwave. No matter how high you are, you have to remain focused and diligent as you watch your pizza rolls spin — a single moment of distraction could lead to the worst-case scenario.”

Due to the popularity of the new microwave technology, Samsung announced it will begin work on a new phone that has no voicemail feature.

Cha-Ching! How I Used the Gig Economy to Make Thousands of Pennies

Posted on August 22, 2019 by Ted Pillow

Hate your dingy office? Your soul-crushing job? That asshole of a boss? Of course you do! Everyone does. But what if the dingy office was your own home and that job was your life? And what if you could be the asshole boss…of yourself?

You can! It’s called the gig economy. Just follow my expert advice and you can thrive in the workforce of the future.

What’s the first step towards striking it rich? Pretend you know coding. Duh. You won’t be able to keep up the charade for long, but you can get at least one week’s groceries out of it.

What’s that sound? Cha-ching!

Once the coding jig is up, be prepared to do literally anything. I provide services through all of the biggest gig platforms. I’m walking dogs for Rover, taking projects on Fiverr, digging mysterious holes in the woods all night on TaskRabbit. Hell, you can find me everywhere: Lyft, Postmates, even the latest Bumfights DVD.

It may sound like a lot of work but it’s all part of the hustle. And once you’re the one taking all the profits you’ll want to be on the clock 24/7. Sure, I have a 168 hour work week – and I love it! Plus, when you do the math that way, I almost make minimum wage.

Don’t forget: networking is key! Contrary to popular belief, it’s even easier when you’re not in an office. Since my work is my life, I treat every human interaction like an uncomfortably desperate job interview. That’s why over 75% of my income comes directly from my friends and family. I’m like a walking GoFundMe!

Finally: Think like an entrepreneur. To paraphrase Jay-Z, “You’re not a businessman, you’re a business, man.” I consider myself a wildly successful corporation, which is why I have no problem behaving like one. That’s why I don’t pay taxes or allow my employees to use the bathroom. I have the lowest possible rating on Glassdoor and all of the reviews are from me.

As we say in the gig economy: Why let someone exploit you, when you can exploit yourself?

Remembering Nintendo’s Failed Power Sock Controller

Posted on August 22, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

In the 1980s, Nintendo released several popular customized controllers for playing certain NES games, such as the Light Gun and the unforgettable R.O.B. But few people remember the least beloved accessory of this era: the Power Sock controller, which was designed to combine the foot-based gameplay of the Power Pad with the tactile controls that would later be seen in the Power Glove.

“It was pure hubris,” NES employee and chief Power Sock engineer Minoru Yamauchi recalled. “Nintendo had an iron grip on the market, and we believed that we couldn’t do anything wrong. We were wrong, and when we dared to create the Power Sock, we paid the price.”

The Power Sock was released in December 1988, but fans were quickly dissatisfied. Users complained of discomfort, complexity of use, and nerve damage.

“It felt like a jellyfish was attacking your foot,” Former Power Sock tester Frank Ellis explained. “You’d have to really stomp hard to get the controls to activate and by the end of a game, your foot was usually covered in blood.”

Despite its lackluster rollout, the Power Sock eventually found an audience in communist countries. Although many countries in the Eastern Bloc of the Soviet Union did not even have NES systems to plug the socks into, teens began to wear them as fashion statements in subversive rebellion against the KGB.

“It didn’t help that the only game for the Power Sock was an import game called Kusuguri Matsuri Futtosapuraizu [Tickle Festival Foot Surprise],” another tester, Lee Wolfe explained. “Even if you managed to get the controller to function properly, the results were genuinely disturbing.”

Nintendo has largely erased the doomed product from its history, leaving it totally absent from their official website and past retrospectives on the NES era. What few Power Sock controllers remain are held onto by private collectors and public foot fetishists.

“Sure, the Power Sock was a failure,” Current Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa said in a rare statement. “But without it, there would have been no Power Glove a year later in 1989. And I will tell you this: after the Power Glove was released, a month later, the Berlin Wall fell. I don’t think that is a coincidence.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

They Might Be Giants Fan Not Sure if New Record Is Kids Album or Not

Posted on August 22, 2019 by David Britton

BOSTON — Longtime They Might Be Giants fan Greg Simpson admitted today that he is unable to tell if the band’s newest record “We Love Dinner!” was meant to be yet another children’s album, or just one of their regular releases.

“I mean, I would’ve bought it either way,” explained Simpson. “But it would just be nice to know, ya know? Like the song ‘The Worst Dragon’ is pretty cute… but also, I think it might be about drug addiction? I honestly can’t tell. ‘Space is Lonely’ is pretty sad, but also has some really educational lyrics — then again, it might just be an homage to David Bowie. Shit, man! Who knows?!”

Simpson’s six-year-old daughter Maya claimed she’s been enjoying the album, regardless of its intended audience.

“I like dancing to the silly songs with my Daddy! I most ‘specially like the one about the boat with all the scary pirate men on it,” said Maya, who also noted her other favorite They Might Be Giants songs include “Ana Ng” from the 1988 album “Lincoln” and “S-E-X-X-Y” from the album “Factory Showroom.” “It’s fun when they spell out the words!”

For his part, They Might Be Giants frontman John Linnell was surprised another album had been released at all.

“Oh, that!” exclaimed Linnell after hearing the first few songs. “Yeah, that’s just a mix of old ‘Dial-A-Song’ tracks and some themes for television shows that never ended up airing. We have like, 400 of those things just kicking around that we never did anything with. I had no idea Idlewild even put that out. I guess the lesson here is, you should never give your label access to your hard drive.”

Label executives did attempt to call and clear the confusion with Simpson, but he was reportedly too busy trying to figure out if the new Ween album was “meant to be taken seriously, or what?”

Man Making Fun of Metal Band Names Almost Names a Few

Posted on August 21, 2019 by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS — A local jazz drummer’s rant last night about stereotypical death metal band names, using only morbid phrases and references to physical violence, reportedly came surprisingly close to correctly naming established acts, surprised witnesses confirmed.

“Face it! Every metal band’s name is a blundering collection of words that hardly make any sense together… like, a murderer’s name with some other bullshit that has to do with being crushed to death,” said Lambert Varghese, the drummer and vocalist for a currently unnamed avant-jazz collective. “Just because these dudes look the part and play nine-string guitars and twelve-string basses doesn’t mean Below a Burning Corpse, A Black Dahlia Funeral, or Somewhere Between the Dead and Dying are good band names!”

Shelby Bala, guitarist in the collective and veteran of several noteworthy local metal bands, pushed back against Varghese’s claims.

“Lambert will always joke like, ‘Oh, is this the latest Wolves in the Castle Foyer record?’ anytime I listen to something heavy,” said Bala. “He’s got fake band names like Career for a Farmhand, Through the Nose of a Ghost, When Blood Turns Purple, Cattle Evisceration, and Child Eliminator whenever he’s making fun of how dumb it all is. But… now that I say them out loud, he was actually pretty close with a lot of these. Maybe I need to back down.”

Metal historian Jono Griffin agreed with Varghese’s claims that metal band names are predictable.

“Naming a metal band isn’t rocket science: just look at how simple names like Suffocation, Carcass, Entombed, or Ed Gein are. I’m surprised none of these names came up during his tirade,” said Griffin. “A lot of times, metal names can be a bit like mad libs — say, name a type of farm animal and a scary way to die, and then you can have something pretty close. Look, we’ll try it now: something like Alpaca Immolation could work. That sounds pretty brutal.”

At press time, Varghese was entering his fourth hour lamenting the current state of rap music and how every current artist seems to be seems to be named after an ingredient in cough syrup with the prefix “Lil.”

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