Hate your dingy office? Your soul-crushing job? That asshole of a boss? Of course you do! Everyone does. But what if the dingy office was your own home and that job was your life? And what if you could be the asshole boss…of yourself?
You can! It’s called the gig economy. Just follow my expert advice and you can thrive in the workforce of the future.
What’s the first step towards striking it rich? Pretend you know coding. Duh. You won’t be able to keep up the charade for long, but you can get at least one week’s groceries out of it.
What’s that sound? Cha-ching!
Once the coding jig is up, be prepared to do literally anything. I provide services through all of the biggest gig platforms. I’m walking dogs for Rover, taking projects on Fiverr, digging mysterious holes in the woods all night on TaskRabbit. Hell, you can find me everywhere: Lyft, Postmates, even the latest Bumfights DVD.
It may sound like a lot of work but it’s all part of the hustle. And once you’re the one taking all the profits you’ll want to be on the clock 24/7. Sure, I have a 168 hour work week – and I love it! Plus, when you do the math that way, I almost make minimum wage.
Don’t forget: networking is key! Contrary to popular belief, it’s even easier when you’re not in an office. Since my work is my life, I treat every human interaction like an uncomfortably desperate job interview. That’s why over 75% of my income comes directly from my friends and family. I’m like a walking GoFundMe!
Finally: Think like an entrepreneur. To paraphrase Jay-Z, “You’re not a businessman, you’re a business, man.” I consider myself a wildly successful corporation, which is why I have no problem behaving like one. That’s why I don’t pay taxes or allow my employees to use the bathroom. I have the lowest possible rating on Glassdoor and all of the reviews are from me.
As we say in the gig economy: Why let someone exploit you, when you can exploit yourself?