Trump Praises Skrewdriver LP for Having “Very Fine Tracks on Both Sides”

Posted on by Jon Wood

CONCORD, N.H. — President Donald Trump began a campaign rally in New Hampshire yesterday touting the strength of the economy before veering from prepared remarks to heap praise on white supremacist rock band Skrewdriver and their 1987 LP “White Rider.”

“Skrewdriver! I love Skrewdriver. Now there’s a band the liberal media has treated very unfairly. And ‘White Rider’ is a classic, folks,” said Trump, pausing for massive applause breaks from a small group of attendees passionately supporting the controversial band. “You have maybe one or two tracks that aren’t as catchy, but you also have tracks that are very fine tracks, on both sides!”

“This is the only punk rock you need, believe me. You couldn’t release this today. No way,” Trump added about the overtly racist LP. “The ideological left would chew you up for listening to these great, great songs.”

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham later issued a statement to clarify Trump’s race-baiting remarks.

“Look, the President clearly meant to praise Skrewdriver’s entire white power-era catalog,” attested Grisham. “This administration rejects the views of David Duke, the KKK, and anyone seeking to undermine Donald Trump’s message of unity by endorsing any one track as the anthem of America’s white ethnostate.”

Trump’s Republican allies in Congress have predictably lined up behind their party’s standard-bearer and tastemaker.

“The President’s taste in music is unimpeachable,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Furthermore, I fully support his executive order that would ban all song-skipping procedures on Pandora. No exceptions.”

Many prominent Democrats denounced Trump’s latest narrow-minded claims.

“Skrewdriver? Is this motherfucker serious?” questioned 2020 Democratic challenger and punk scene veteran Beto O’Rourke. “I mean, we all know Trump is racist as fuck, but if he wants to double-down with a nuanced take on problematic ’80s hardcore, he should at least check out Youth Defense League.”

Sources later confirmed the President insisted “White Rider” be played in its entirety at his next rally, and that staffers work to mobilize massive circle pit for the occasion. Those plans were scrapped, however, after discovering most attendees lacked adequate health insurance.

Frontman Takes Bold Stance Against Everything He Will Be Accused of Next Month

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local hardcore frontman Troy Burgess spoke out during a show last night against the constant abuse perpetrated against female members of the scene, unaware that a large group of women are currently planning to out him for multiple sexual assaults.

“As men, we need to do better to protect everyone in the scene from the scumbugs and dirtballs that treat shows like some sort of meat market,” said Burgess during his band’s headlining set, neglecting the fact that, on a recent tour, he coerced a fan into performing oral sex on him. “You don’t have to remain silent anymore. We will listen; I will listen to you when you need a shoulder to cry on. To all the women out there, this song is called ‘Got Your Back.’”

Burgess has been a staple of the midwest hardcore scene for the past eight years, equally well-known for playing in his band Hippocrates and abusing dozens of women.

“There have been rumors about him being a creep for years, but nobody has ever outwardly accused him of anything. That will change soon,” said one of the many women Burgess has assaulted, who requested anonymity until she officially comes forward. “So many women have a story about Troy — some of them are very upsetting, some of them are just super embarrassing for him. I can think of like, six women with the same story about him being too drunk to get it up even though he claims to be straight edge. It’ll be fun to see him try to defend that.”

For their part, Burgess’ bandmates maintain they’ve been “completely in the dark” about their frontman’s unsavory behavior, despite their constant close proximity due to touring and sharing a three-bedroom apartment.

“I have never heard anyone say anything bad about Troy. Yeah, some of the girls he’s brought over seemed a little bit young, but he said he’s giving them guitar lessons in his bedroom, and I believe him,” said Hippocrates bass player Sal Brewer after the show. “I’m always more worried that people are going to find out he is actually super racist. So I guess we’ll see where this goes.”

Burgess concluded the set by encouraging the crowd to “believe women,” but also reminded those in attendance that “this is America, and people are innocent until proven guilty.”

Raiden Launches GoFundMe Campaign to Pay For Medical Expenses

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

EARTHREALM — In a heartbreaking turn of events, famed protector of the realm and God of Lighting, Raiden, put out a plea on social media for help with his medical expenses following an exhibition match with Scorpion.

“I normally don’t do things like this, but I’m swallowing my pride because I really need the help,” Raiden stated in the opening lines of the crowdfunding campaign. “My health insurance only covers so much, despite being an Elder God that defeated Shinnok and saved the universe. I was already pretty strapped for cash from all the therapy I had to go  through after all the carnage I witnessed, so when Scorpion decapitated me and then skewered my severed head with his chain spike… yeah that really tipped my uncertain financial situation over the edge.”

Many of Raiden’s friends and family have come out to support the God of Lightning.

“I really feel for him. I mean we’ve all been there before,” Johnny Cage, a fellow Mortal Kombat fighter said in a series of tweets. “Being rich and famous has its perks, like being able to afford getting my spine re-inserted into my body around 26 times. Some people sadly aren’t as fortunate as I am.” 

Cage, who is close to Raiden, said that they’ve spoken privately about his medical situation. “He talked to me about going somewhere in the EU for the universal healthcare, but said Sweden doesn’t deserve the potential hellfire of one of his enemies attacking him at his weakest.”

Raiden concluded the GoFundMe post by saying, “Your generosity would mean a lot to me. Having the entire lower half of my incinerated torso rebuilt from scratch will be very expensive, so anything helps!”. The campaign has already raised over 1 million dollars, accounting for 2% of the $50,000,000 goal.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Awkward Teen Tries to Hide in Locker Next to Crush During School Shooting

Posted on by John Danek

RENO, Nev. — Sweaty and bumbling 16-year-old Skyler Donovan attempted to hide in a locker today next to his crush Christina Selig while dodging bullets during yet another American school shooting, amused students reported.

“Dude, Skyler was running up and down the hall looking for Christina, looking like a total spazz,” recounted Friedman High School junior and Skyler’s best friend Vince Allridge, who was evacuated from the school by a SWAT team member. “I think he finally squeezed himself into a locker with her just as the gunman turned the corner. I bet Skyler is going to try to say they kissed. What a nerd.”

A 12-second video posted anonymously to social video app TikTok showed Donovan attempting to peer inside lockers while a bullet flew through his backpack, all to the tune of “See You At Your Funeral” by punk band PUP.

“It was pathetic,” admitted school security guard Walter Todd while being tended to by medics after a bullet ripped through his right bicep. “Skyler was running up and down the halls, yell-whispering that Mrs. Becker accidentally gave him Christina’s quiz back. That’s when I got hit and blacked out.”

First responders arrived on the scene mere minutes after the shooting broke out.

“Yep, it’s another shooting. Yadda yadda yadda,” offered deputy sheriff Miles McLandry of the Washoe County Sheriff’s Office while eating a donut. “You all know the drill. Honestly, this is one of the more generic shootings to happen in a while — I wouldn’t recommend clicking on a headline about this one unless you’re really bored. But we are monitoring Skyler Donovan and his attempts to strike up conversation with Christina Selig. We are all rooting for that guy to score a date to Homecoming… which will probably be funeral themed if this shit keeps happening.”

Second amendment supporters in the area offered their take on Donovan’s predicament.

“See, if it wasn’t for the genius of our forefathers to ensure our guaranteed freedom of firearm possession, Skyler would never have worked up the nerve to talk to Christina,” hypothesized neighbor Betty Costello. “I bet if he had a gun and shot the bad guy, that every girl in school would be looking to text him or whatever the hell it is kids do these days.”

Funeral services for Christina Selig will be held on Friday from 8 a.m to 1 p.m. at the Henry Funeral Home in Reno. Christina’s family has asked that in lieu of flowers, donations be made in her name to Everytown for Gun Safety.

Charles Manson Is My Favorite Beach Boy, and Yes, It’s for THAT Reason

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

The Beach Boys were easily the best ‘60s band out of California to feature people mostly related to each other. In the grand pantheon of surf rock bands, they’re the only one whose name I can remember. Which is why it’s such a shame that they never reached their full potential. That is because my favorite Beach Boy is Charles Manson. And yes, it’s for THAT reason.

For those of you who, like me, haven’t seen “Once Upon a Time In Hollywood,” Charles Manson was a popular Hollywood influencer in the late 1960s. He famously collaborated with Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys before embarking on an incredibly influential, if not brief, solo career.

Manson was a visionary songwriter. His single “Cease To Exist” was famously retooled as the Beach Boys’ “Never Learn Not To Love.” Later on, his catalog would be covered by everyone from Guns N’ Roses, daughter Marilyn Manson, & GG Allin. Add to that Sonic Boom and Crispin Glover and that’s the entire list.

If Brian had rejoined the group during his tenure, a Wilson/Manson songwriting duo could have rivaled the legendary partnerships of Rogers/Hammerstein, Lennon/McCartney, or Hall/Oates.

In 1969, Manson’s career was tragically cut short by murder, specifically, the string of murders he had orchestrated in order to bring about what he saw as an inevitable race war. Most scholars of pop music agree that if Charles Manson hadn’t tragically believed that God showed him how to reach the center of the earth and wanted him and his followers to hide there until black people won the race war and needed help forming a new world government, he would have written some pretty groovy tunes.

It’s such a shame because the Beach Boys, at this time, were going through a period of internal conflict due to Brian Wilson withdrawing from the band. They were in desperate need of a creative leader, and if there was one thing that Charley had, it was a vision. Instead, we had years of plodding leadership from Mike Love, who reduced the band from counter cultural trail blazers to state fair novelty clowns.

In the end, we’ll never truly know how this possible configuration of talent would have actualized. For now, we are simply left with contemplations of a world where Manson/Wilson topped the charts, and Mike Love was murdered.

Surf Rock Lifeguard Saves Struggling Fan from Pit

Posted on by James Knapp

SAN DIEGO — Surf rock enthusiast Caleb Hoffmeister was rescued last night by an on-site lifeguard after getting caught in the current of a sudden circle pit at a show, relieved witnesses confirmed.

“It all started out pretty calm,” said Hoffmeister, recovering from the scare by the bar. “I was just watching Boatercade’s set and kind of getting into it… I even pogoed a bit. But before I knew it, a huge circle pit broke out right next to me and I got sucked in the riptide. You always hear about these types of things happening at surf rock shows, but when you find yourself in the middle of one, man… there’s no way to prepare for it.”

The pit, described as “gnarly” by show attendees, has long been a recorded occurrence during fast guitar riffs. Venue management actively encourages customers to educate themselves before approaching the edge of a pit.

“We’re all here to have fun, but people should always be cautious of and vigilant near circle pit currents,” said bar manager Terry Klein. “We’ve taken all the proper precautions — like posting signs reminding everyone to tie their shoes tightly, and warning patrons to be aware of their skill level in the pit. We see way too many people try to stage dive before they can even crowd surf.”

Indeed, the venue has taken the additional step of installing lifeguard stands on either side of the stage, which are inspected prior to every show. Carolyn Voss, the lifeguard on duty at the time, gave her perspective of the job.

“I probably save two or three kids a month from a wicked strong pit current, but that’s nowhere near as bad as it can be. During the Dick Dale disaster of 2011, I had to save a half-dozen fans from a freak pit occurrence back by the merch tables,” said Voss. “Still, we have to look out for ourselves out there, too — more than a few times, I’ve had to back off from a panicked surf rock fan who would’ve dragged me into the pit with them. But that’s just a part of the job.”

To prevent further danger, venue management reportedly plans to install buoy lines to alert show attendees to common pit locations.

Opinion: As an Optimist I Choose to See the Koch Brothers as Half Dead

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty positive guy. A bird craps in my eyes, I’m like, “At least I have another eye.” When Trump won the election, I was like, “Hey, at least I’m white.” Stuff like that. I’m an optimist. So while some may view the Koch brothers as half alive, I’m choosing to see them as half dead.

Sure, only David Koch is dead so far, but look on the bright side – half of the Koch brothers can no longer spend millions of dollars to slowly murder the planet and all of its inhabitants. From here on out, Charles (and only Charles) will have to decide whether nuking Washington, D.C. counts as “protecting economic freedom.” Two sickeningly rich libertarian heads are better than one, you know.

And, yeah, a Debby Downer might point out that technically there are two other Koch brothers out there probably tag-team skinning a cat at this exact moment, but remember, those dweebs also tried suing the headliner Kochs in the late ‘90s. I count those guys as just kind of chaotic-neutral nobodies at best. Besides, who’s going to take borderline illegal Super PAC money from a guy named Frederick?

But I’m an optimist. This is why I’m pointing out that, while the Koch brothers may have mobilized conservatives against Obama, gave rise to the tea party, and paved the way for Donald Trump’s presidency and the deep, unsealable divide we’re experiencing in American politics today, at least their millions in self-serving medical research didn’t give them immortality! That’s a win… I guess?

At least I’m pretty sure I’ll die someday which might be nice. Again, I look for the silver lining in all clouds. Especially in the cloud of acid rain formed as a direct result of lowered emissions regulations thanks to the lobbying efforts of the Koch brother’s Super PAC that is currently showering me in life-threatening chemicals.

Guy Using Soft Guitar Case Clearly Not in a Band

Posted on by Eric D

MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — A man carrying a guitar in a soft case across the Middlebury College campus today was labeled a “musical hobbyist” by everyone he encountered, as no self-respecting musician would ever use such a case, bemused sources confirmed.

“I honestly don’t know what to make of him… he doesn’t actually have a guitar inside that thing, right? It’s gotta be full of fresh bagels for him and his roommate or something,” said student Trevor Polinski, who saw the man stroll confidently across the quad. “Using a soft case to carry an actual instrument should be outlawed — they offer no real protection, you can’t put cool stickers on them, and they make you look like a total knob.”

Others who saw the man were far more judgmental.

“Nobody is going to take you seriously if you walk into band practice with your soft guitar case. Is a hardshell case a wittle too heavy for the itty bitty baby? Do you need to strap your soft case across your back so your hands are free when you ride your scooter? I fucking hate this guy,” said Trish Carter, guitarist of local hardcore band Shock Troops. “I would bet money this little twerp also has nylon strings that he plays with a felt pick so his fingers don’t get calluses. I want to rub his face in a pile of gravel.”

Relatives of the soft case owner, identified as 22-year-old David Lemoyne, confirmed he’s had a long history of dorky choices.

“David, bless his heart, has always been sensitive emotionally and physically. He wore sweatpants to school every day up until seventh grade because denim was always a bit too coarse for his legs,” said Lemoyne’s aunt Corinne Simmons. “Whenever he’d come to my house, he’d always let ice cream melt before eating it because he thought it was too cold. One time, he cried for hours because a dog in the backseat of a moving car barked at him.”

At press time, Lemoyne was sitting on a wool blanket in the shade, organizing his giant collection of capos by color.

New California Law Bans “High Capacity” Zines Capable of Reaching More Than 10 People

Posted on by Francis Beringer

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California lawmakers passed a sweeping zine control bill today, banning DIY publications capable of being read by more than 10 people per pressing statewide.

“Today, Californians can rest a bit easier: you will no longer be bothered by Instagram posts from friends asking you to buy their ‘limited edition’ zine of punk rock poetry for $12,” said Gov. Gavin Newsom after signing the bill into law. “These publications will be limited to single digit runs, and must be printed from a home computer using your own ink — FedEx and Staples will no longer be allowed to provide printing services for these dangerous individuals.”

Proponents of the bill were ecstatic to finally see it become law.

“For over 20 years I’ve advocated for more government oversight on zines, especially when it comes to anarcho-punk zines that feel like they’re made of papercuts,” said longtime punk Angel Hernandez. “I’ve lost too many friends over the years because I had to tell them they’re wasting their time, and that maybe they should focus their attention on something better. Today, it looks like the nightmare is finally over.”

As expected, many zine creators were outraged by the bill, claiming the government is trying to limit free speech.

“I’ve been publishing a zine focused on intersectional feminism in the animal kingdom for the last 10 years that’s raised a lot of important awareness. Each of the three editions I made eventually sold out, or were damaged when my basement flooded,” said zine maker Tara Crawford. “Our so called representatives in Sacramento are simply scared of new ideas. This is a direct violation of our first amendment rights, probably.”

“Also, I just got one of those staplers with the long arms after like a million years of gently folding the papers up so they would fit a regular one, so this is double bullshit,” she added.

Lawmakers are also expected to pass a law requiring bands who want to tour to release more than just one completely ignored demo.

We Sat Down With Incubus to See If They Knew Where We Could Get Some Molly

Posted on by Dan Rice

Much like our favorite drug MDMA, Incubus blew up in 1999 and have kind of hung around in the mix since then. We figured that made them the perfect guys to try and score some Molly from.

Have you ever been to an Incubus concert? Take a good look at that crowd. Tribal tattoos, glow sticks, people talking about “tarot”…hell these people are still using Devil Sticks for fucks sake. Clearly one of these werido holdovers has the hookup. At Hard Times we don’t fuck around. We decided to go right to the source and ask the members of Incubus point blank if they, like, knew a guy or something.

Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us guys. It’s not every day I get to interview a band as influential as Succubus!

Some guy from Incubus: It’s Incubus actually.

HT: Really? I thought Succubus.

Some other guy from Incubus: Nope. Incubus.

HT: Cool, we’ll cut that part out. So, first of all I just want to ask… You guys good right now?

Some Guy From Incubus: Uhm, yeah we’re pretty good.

Maybe The Drummer: I could use a water actually.

HT: Oh I bet you could guy from Incubus! Ha, I read you loud and clear. Yup. Gotta stay hydrated when you’re ah… you know.

Maybe The Drummer: Why are you winking at me like that?

HT: Woah, be cool man! Everyone’s cool here, I ain’t no narc.

Some Guy From Incubus: So, you probably want to know about what inspired our latest album…

HT: Not Really. So basically what I’m trying to get to here is… Do you guys, like, know a guy?

Some Guy From Incubus: Jesus, not again.

Some Other Guy From Incubus: I knew it.

HT: What? What’s the problem?

Some Guy From Incubus: I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me honestly. Did you schedule an interview with us just to ask if we could find you drugs?

HT: …Yes.

Some Guy From Incubus: Yeah, we get this a lot. I mean usually the reporters are a little more discreet but… I don’t know if it’s just pretty frustrating that no one actually wants to talk to us about our music.

HT: Well, from what I’ve heard about your music, I’d be a lot more into it if I was rolling my balls off. You guys gonna help me out or not?

Maybe The Drummer: Dude just give him Skrillex’s number so we can get the fuck out of here.

Well that turned out to be a huge waste of time! I went through all of that trouble to reach the band through the proper channels (under false pretenses to score drugs) and all I wound up with was the number of some DJ! Hey incubus, if I wanted bunk molly I could have just hit up drum and bass night at the hippie bar down the street!

I don’t know what the fuck that Skillets or whatever guy sold me but it definitely wasn’t ecstasy. I took it 10 minutes ago and I don’t feel shit! Good thing I brought half a dozen edibles with me as a backup. OK, time to go to my aunt’s funeral.

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