MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — A man carrying a guitar in a soft case across the Middlebury College campus today was labeled a “musical hobbyist” by everyone he encountered, as no self-respecting musician would ever use such a case, bemused sources confirmed.
“I honestly don’t know what to make of him… he doesn’t actually have a guitar inside that thing, right? It’s gotta be full of fresh bagels for him and his roommate or something,” said student Trevor Polinski, who saw the man stroll confidently across the quad. “Using a soft case to carry an actual instrument should be outlawed — they offer no real protection, you can’t put cool stickers on them, and they make you look like a total knob.”
Others who saw the man were far more judgmental.
“Nobody is going to take you seriously if you walk into band practice with your soft guitar case. Is a hardshell case a wittle too heavy for the itty bitty baby? Do you need to strap your soft case across your back so your hands are free when you ride your scooter? I fucking hate this guy,” said Trish Carter, guitarist of local hardcore band Shock Troops. “I would bet money this little twerp also has nylon strings that he plays with a felt pick so his fingers don’t get calluses. I want to rub his face in a pile of gravel.”
Relatives of the soft case owner, identified as 22-year-old David Lemoyne, confirmed he’s had a long history of dorky choices.
“David, bless his heart, has always been sensitive emotionally and physically. He wore sweatpants to school every day up until seventh grade because denim was always a bit too coarse for his legs,” said Lemoyne’s aunt Corinne Simmons. “Whenever he’d come to my house, he’d always let ice cream melt before eating it because he thought it was too cold. One time, he cried for hours because a dog in the backseat of a moving car barked at him.”
At press time, Lemoyne was sitting on a wool blanket in the shade, organizing his giant collection of capos by color.