Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman Smuggles Weed Into Fest by Eating Entire Stash in Security Line

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local punk Hazel Mason ate her entire three-day supply of weed earlier today while standing in line to enter The Fest, trying to sneak the illicit substance past security, an intensely fucked-up source said.

“Yeahhhh,” explained Mason, staring into the sky. “Guess I panicked. And ate them. They weren’t even edibles. Like, I ate six joints. Also, some really old geltabs. I don’t know what day that was. Or what year it is. I feel like I saw Jawbreaker, but that can’t be right. Unless… are we in the 1990s?”

Security guard David Luna claimed he saw Mason pull a wrinkled, green produce bag from her backpack and “bury her face in, like a horse with one of those feedbags strapped to them.”

“I tried to get her attention and stop her, but she was a ways down the line,” explained Luna sadly. “I would’ve told her it’s chill. She thinks I’m gonna take her weed? Shit, half of these kids are kicking me extra joints, random pills… even condoms, if they’ve got no drugs. Everyone’s really nice. I’m actually rolling right now.”

Several attendees and performers reportedly encountered the wildly intoxicated Mason — including Matt Caughthran of The Bronx, who said Mason “grabbed me and scared me shitless” outside of a bathroom.

“She was like, ‘Hey, I saw you before. But you weren’t a mariachi,’” said Caughthran. “At first I’m thinking, ‘Okay, you like The Bronx better than Mariachi El Bronx, I get it, fuck off.’ But then, she’s staring at my charro suit and starts crying and asking if she’s dead and if this is the movie ‘Coco.’ So, yeah, guessing that was her. Hope she’s okay.”

At press time, Mason was seen at the comedy showcase, asking others in the crowd whether or not they were hearing the music.

Dear Scabby: How can I get un-cancelled?

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Scabby

Dear Scabby: My boyfriend is a total shithead. Habitual liar and addicted to pain killers. The problem is we’re both starving artists and I need to get my share of the supplies and art we’ve made together. How do I leave his stupid ass and still get my shit? -BROKEFARTIST

Dear Broke Fartist: I pay monthly installations to a Belgian-based furniture leasing company for most of my home decor, including back payments on an overvalued floor lamp that’s nearly ruined my credit rating. The rest of my earthly possessions fit nicely into an Ikea bag and large fitted sheet that looks like it’s been steeping in English Breakfast tea since Woodstock ’94, so please forgive me if my definition of “personal belongings” is a little more abstract that yours.

If your ex-boyfriend is any kind of respectable drug addict at all, anything you left there capable of being sold, snorted or smelted should be long gone by now, but if you’re hellbent on salvaging what’s left, you can always hold something hostage of his, like his favorite record or inhaler. Probably best just to cut your losses and accept that your half finished watercolor painting of an owl family will have to wait another year before being displayed in the Coffee Beanery.

Dear Scabby: How to get yourself “un-cancelled” in the scene after doing something problematic years ago? Asking for a friend…. -AFRIEND

Dear A Friend: You used to be able to share an opinion, pay a woman a compliment, or trap a subordinate in your office using a concealed auto-lock to show them the collection of sex toys you keep inside a hollowed out Bible, but that was before the fun police decided office hi-jinx were illegal and America turned into a minefield of political correctness where even the most charming sexual predator or misunderstood racist could be penalized to the fullest extent of the law.

Being cancelled means getting placed on paid leave and having Milo Yiannopoulos visit your college, but being un-canceled is more complicated, like having a vasectomy reversed. It can be done but things will never be the same. You should consider using the internet as an outlet for your unwanted gestures, sexual or otherwise, where you’re just clicks away from having a consenting adult come over and flip through your parents’ wedding album in a zentai suit, or whatever you’re into.

Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at scabby@thehardtimes.net.

What a Sellout! This Punk Turned 30

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

Do you remember Paul? He used to be one of the craziest, most hardcore punks in the scene. He was the guy that pierced his own nipples with a staple-gun. Well guess what? I just heard that he turned 30. He is the last person I thought would ever go and do something like this. What a poser sellout. Turning 30?! He swore that he would be punk ‘til he died. I feel like I was stabbed in the back.

Yeah, sure, he still goes to shows, supports local bands, and is in a band of his own but clearly, now that he is 30, he is just doing it for the money. I heard he even started exercising. He might as well as be considering going to law school.

I mean, I had heard rumors that he planned to turn 30 but I thought it was just some haters talking shit. Turns out they were right and now I don’t even know what to believe anymore. It seems like everyone around me is turning 30 but I never thought he would do it.

What I really can’t believe is that he is actually throwing a party for his birthday. I mean, it’s like he’s happy to be such a sellout. I mean, I am going to go because there is going to be an open bar but I’m really only going ironically.

Time is just an artificial construct and for him to accept this as a certainty is just about the least punk thing anyone can do. This is even more of a sellout move than when Jeremy got that part-time job. We only see him like four times a week now because of that.

Man, what is happening with our scene these days? Two of the most hardcore punks I ever knew got married last month. MARRIED! It’s like, do they not even believe in the punk ethos? I’m the only pure punk left.

I tell you one thing, I’m 29 and I always will be.

New Video Game Heavily Rumored

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

THE CITY — The media is abuzz over escalating rumors of a new software announcement coming from the world of video games, several reports have confirmed.

“They have to do it, right?” asked video game fan Ron Portman. “I mean, they haven’t released a decent video game since that one that I like a lot, the one that came out when my parents got a divorce. It was so well designed! Oh man, now I’m going to have to go out and buy a new video game system, huh?”

Gerald Fidges, the president and CEO of Video Games, refused to either confirm or deny the new video game’s rumored release date of “Sometime next year,” continuing instead his long standing tradition of cryptic messages about the future release schedule of his company’s flagship product. He did acknowledge work on a new title, however.

“We have listened to what you said about the last video game,” he said, in a press conference that was streamed online yesterday. “And have carefully considered your feedback. When the time comes, we think you will find that this video game will be the best video game since the last time you really liked a video game.”

Video games, invented in 1993 by Mario Miyamoto, have had a spotty track record with its users lately, with some titles alienating the fan base, and others alienating the fan base significantly more.

“Unless it’s a sequel to that one game I like, they can suck my dick,” said a grown man with a prominent tattoo of video games. “I will buy the video game, I will play the video game, but that does not mean that I have to like the video game.”

Despite not having any information about the game’s release date or actual content, Fidges did reveal that there would be several special editions available for pre-order.

Update: The upcoming video game has been abandoned, restarted, shelved, delayed, and cancelled since this report was initially filed.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Anxiously Covers Jansport Logo on Brand-New Backpack with Patch

Posted on August 16, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

CONCORD, Calif. — A local punk teenager resisted becoming “a vessel for consumerist propaganda” today by immediately covering the logo on her brand-new Jansport backpack with a patch, according to a class-conscious source.

“I did need a new backpack… but at the same time, I don’t want to seem like some capitalist pig,” Krista McKinney, 15, said. “I would’ve preferred to make the bag myself out of repurposed fishing nets, but the end of summer seems to come quicker every year. The patch was a good middle ground. The bag looked lame before, and now it looks like a 7 Seconds backpack.”

The patch in question depicted the 7 Seconds logo on black, fraying canvas, stitched on with crooked red ‘X’ stitches in crimson thread — which, as McKinney’s perplexed classmate Julia Moreno noted, “completely fucks” the lifetime warranty normally guaranteed by Jansport, even if it “looks pretty dope.”

“I think [McKinney’s] mom is going to be pissed,” said Moreno while hiding a new 5-Star trapper keeper from her friend. “Like when Krista ripped out the pages on the Founding Fathers in our class’s U.S. history textbooks, and the school made her mom pay for the damages. She was grounded for like, two months, and spent the whole time writing some manifesto. I didn’t read it — she put the whole thing on Snapchat.”

Meanwhile, teachers and administrators aren’t surprised by McKinney’s latest act of resistance, who was described as a “bright but annoying student” and “a constant pain in my fucking ass.”

“We gave up on enforcing the dress-code with McKinney,” said Garett Garner, Principal at Diablo Valley High School. “We used to give her big T-shirts to cover up the… you know, all the skulls and holes in her clothes. But she’d just show up at the end of the day with those T-shirts ripped and defaced, too. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: MTV ruined young people forever.”

At press time, McKinney was grounded again for attempting to remove the “Chevrolet” and “Tahoe” logos from her mother’s SUV.

Promising Mosher Out 3 to 6 Weeks with Torn Vans Sole

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Kevin Hufe

RALEIGH, N.C. — Talented up-and-coming mosher Kurt Scalloway is unable to participate in hardcore activities for roughly one month, after doctors and cobblers confirmed he suffered an acute tear of the sole on his right Vans shoe last week at a church basement show on Kelly Avenue.

“In my time, I haven’t seen a mosher with more potential come through this town,” reported scene veteran Harvey Lergins. “He’s a phenom: he’s got a vertical around 26”, he runs a six- to eight-person deep headwalk, and has a lightning-fast crowd punch. This is a devastating setback, but I know he’ll come back stronger than ever, ready to spin-kick people directly in the neck.”

Scalloway finished the breakdown despite the tear, and even attempted to tape the shoe back together before being ruled unable to continue.

“I talked to his mom, and she’s not buying him a new pair since he already went through three this year,” reported friend Alex Barnini. “Since he’s only been able to get weekend hours bussing at Applebees, it could take as long as four weeks for him to get the extra $60 for another pair of plain canvas, flat-sole shoes.”

Experts are worried that if this proves to be a recurring issue, it could affect Scalloway’s abilities at bigger, more important shows.

“Before this incident, I considered Kurt one of the guys who could make it out of this town, who could get to the festival circuit,” explained venue manager Harry Cripini. “I thought about picking up the cost for his This is Hardcore ticket, just to see that patented windmill land on some Saves the Day kid’s skull. But now, we have no idea what his future holds, or when he can bounce back.”

Scalloway is working with a team of physical therapists to try to perform better in the supportless shoes.

“We’re trying as many techniques as possible to compensate for the complete lack of support in the ball, ankle, and arch of the foot,” noted Scalloway’s podiatrist Dr. Anna Bishop. “We’re trying everything from yoga, to taping ankles, to wearing multiple pairs of socks to increase compression. Though I’m happy to report, we’re achieving a lot of headway with a comically oversized brace held together with nails and wood glue.”

When asked if he could just wear his Converse instead, Scalloway declined comment.

Photo by Metal Chris.

Fan of Thing Bad Fan of Thing, Says Fan of Thing

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Larry Duckworth, fan of an undetermined hobby and/or franchise, reportedly informed Jacob Gallow that he was an inferior fan of the very same thing, despite a limited knowledge of his relationship with it, several witnesses have confirmed.

“Oh get fucking real,” said Duckworth, of the niche subculture about which he and Gallow are both passionate. “He likes it all wrong and clearly isn’t a real fan. I mean, he couldn’t even answer the handful of very specific things that I asked him about. You know, the parts that I have deemed to be most essential to true fandom of this shit? It’s like c’mon man, get on my exact same level. Poseur.”

The tense altercation began on a subway car, after Duckworth approached Gallow with a series of questions about the franchise he was representing on his hat. Onlookers described the ensuing dialogue as inquisitive and accusatory in nature.

“I didn’t know what the fuck these two dorks were talking about,” said Newman Harrison, who was sitting nearby. “At first I thought they were friends, but I guess not. They both seemed to know a lot about whatever game or book thing they were talking about it. Or maybe it was wrestling? I don’t know. I feel like those guys should be friends though.”

After following Gallow off of the subway car at his exit, Duckworth followed him for several blocks, continuing to critique the style and frequency of which he enjoys their shared focus.

“It was weird as fuck,” said Gallow. “I walked into a Burger King to try and duck him and he followed me. We ended up having dinner together, and aside from the beratement, it wasn’t so bad. He asked if we could do it again sometime. I think I’ll wear a different hat if we do.”

“No way I’m doing that again,” said Duckworth, of the presumptive future meet up. “That guy ate his Whopper like a fucking idiot. Doesn’t even know proper chew technique.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

NRA Demands Fewer Restrictions On Purchasing And Using Senators

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — The National Rifle Association demanded today fewer restrictions surrounding the purchase and use of U.S. senators, in response to growing calls across the nation for sensible gun reform in the wake of more mass shootings.

“We condemn these vicious assaults on our God-given rights, and we believe no conscientious special interest group should ever find themselves in a dangerous lawmaking situation without an effective Republican lawmaker strapped to their side,” said executive director of the NRA’s lobbying branch, Chris W. Cox, using a Glock to pick at a hunk of chicken lodged in his teeth. “When the second amendment is under attack, the only way to stop a bad lobbyist with an honest senator is a good lobbyist with a legally-purchased senator.”

Some senators deployed in the NRA’s stated mission to transform routine trips to Wal-Mart into harrowing life-or-death scenarios believe the propositions don’t go far enough.

“In my experience, off-the-floor senators don’t have the political firepower to get the job done. Legislators are most effective when modified with attachments like a willingness to remain silent in the face of tragedy and overwhelming gambling debt,” said Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, biting into a third live rat. “I wouldn’t want us to get to a place where the lobbyists waste money on senators who malfunction and employ basic logic or consult their conscience when writing our country’s gun laws.”

The NRA’s proposals have, however, so far been met with positive response from the association’s members.

“If they have the money, there’s nothing private citizens shouldn’t be allowed to own — whether it’s a nuclear missile or the President of the United States,” said libertarian Jonathan Huang, while refusing to give a Taco Bell cashier enough money to cover the sales tax of his Chalupa Supreme. “I’d feel a lot safer in this Taco Bell if I knew one of the other patrons had access to enough munitions to effectively end life on Earth.”

UPDATE: There are reports that another four or five preventable mass shootings occurred since you began reading this article, which subsequently caused a not-so-surprising spike in gun sales.

We Interviewed Banksy and You Can’t Prove We Didn’t

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

The infamous, anonymous street artist Banksy is as known for his subversive artwork as his reclusive nature. Imagine our surprise when he immediately agreed to an interview! Yeah I guess we’re just that awesome.

Now, you probably think we’re lying. First of all, how dare you. Second, try and prove this isn’t the real Banksy, asshole. No one knows who he is, therefore it MUST be him. So, here is our 100% real interview with the real Banksy.

HARD TIMES: Thank you for sitting down with us, Mr. Banksy. We know you never do face-to-face interviews so it’s a real honor.

BANKSY: Derrrrrrrrr….

HT: Banksy, your art is best described as little doodles of Mickey Mouse but scary, or like a fat Ronald McDonald, or schoolchildren in gas masks, or some such horseshit. Is that your shtick in a nutshell?

BANKSY: Derrrrr, right-o, gov’na. You hit the nail on the head, you did.

HT: Thank you for being so candid. I have to say, you are notably unattractive in person.

BANKSY: Right, cheerio, Bob’s your uncle, then. Derrrrrr….

HT: While we wouldn’t dare ask you to reveal your secrets, could you perhaps talk about your clandestine approach to art installations.

BANKSY: Derrr, right. Well, I’m a lil’ sneaky boy, I am. So, sometimes I do a little sneaky-sneaky for my doodley-doos. So, I pop my head up in der and I’m like, ‘ello Gaza Strip, time for a Banksy doodley, then it’s off me go, derrrr.

HT: Your work seems to be held in high esteem in a number of left wing political circles including antifa, how do you feel about that?

BANKSY: What’s antifa?

HT: You… don’t know what antifa is?

Banksy: I don’t have an aunt Tiffa mate.

HT: Your documentary, “Exit Through the Gift Shop” was originally titled “Exit Through the Peehole” until we convinced you to change the title, right? In fact, every good idea you’ve had you lifted from us, and you owe us significant financial compensation, wouldn’t you agree?

BANKSY: Correct, I owe you millions in financial compensation.

HT: Wow something smells awful in here.

BANKSY: That’s me love! I inked my trousers, gov’na. It’s a real sticky-wicket, it is!

There you have it, our interview with Banksy. Obviously it’s all true, and if it wasn’t, surely, the real Banksy would post a video of himself, showing his full face, disputing it. But he won’t, because we really interviewed him.

Anyway, tune in next week for our interview with the reclusive Thomas Pynchon about how his submission packet to Hard Times did not meet our standards.

RANKED: All 5 MCU Villains We Can Remember

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

Spider-Man:Far From Home is the 23rd film in Marvel’s Cinematic Universe. With all of those movies to think about, we thought this would be a great time to break down and rank the nearly half dozen antagonists we can remember from this saga!

Thanos – Put simply, Thanos is the Darth Vader of 21st Century cinema. As Vader made his disdain for rebellion known by destroying an entire planet, Thanos proves himself so true to his philosophy that he wipes out half of existence with the snap of his fingers. And with that snap, an iconic character was born. Brought to life vividly and beautifully by Josh Brolin, this is easily the best Marvel villain we can remember aside from Magneto.

Killmonger – In a movie filled with memorable characters and performances, Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger is an absolute standout. He makes Killmonger one of the most sympathetic villains in recent memory. Hell, the fact that we can remember his character’s name over a year after seeing it is enough to cement a spot on this list.

Loki – Loki’s had possibly the longest arc for a character in the MCU. Thor’s brother has been the bad guy, redeemed himself, maybe became a bad guy again at some point, and then had his neck snapped by Thanos (editor’s note: Damn I forgot about that shit! Thanos!!). Tom Hiddleston successfully turned Loki into a fascinating character despite being introduced in the forgettable early Thor movies. Now they’re doing a TV show or something? Oh, so maybe he’s not dead, we don’t know.

Jeff Bridges – Jeff Bridges is so good in Iron Man One that for a second you almost forget that he is also Big Lebowski. You know in a lot of these movies there’s a bunch of shit going well and you’re like “Cool, everyone’s having a good time?” Well that won’t last on Jeff Bridges’ watch, mister! At the end he becomes a total badass Iron Man and then Iron Man has to out-Iron Man the Iron Man he accidentally made possible. It rules.

The Guy With The Red Skull – This dude was so frickin’ cool in Captain America! Why was his skull all red like that? We’re sure they said, but anyways it’s super badass. It was so cool that he showed back up in Endgame (or wait was it Infinity War?), when he was guarding that infinity stone for Thanos. God, Thanos is so fucking cool.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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