Dear Scabby: My boyfriend is a total shithead. Habitual liar and addicted to pain killers. The problem is we’re both starving artists and I need to get my share of the supplies and art we’ve made together. How do I leave his stupid ass and still get my shit? -BROKEFARTIST
Dear Broke Fartist: I pay monthly installations to a Belgian-based furniture leasing company for most of my home decor, including back payments on an overvalued floor lamp that’s nearly ruined my credit rating. The rest of my earthly possessions fit nicely into an Ikea bag and large fitted sheet that looks like it’s been steeping in English Breakfast tea since Woodstock ’94, so please forgive me if my definition of “personal belongings” is a little more abstract that yours.
If your ex-boyfriend is any kind of respectable drug addict at all, anything you left there capable of being sold, snorted or smelted should be long gone by now, but if you’re hellbent on salvaging what’s left, you can always hold something hostage of his, like his favorite record or inhaler. Probably best just to cut your losses and accept that your half finished watercolor painting of an owl family will have to wait another year before being displayed in the Coffee Beanery.
Dear Scabby: How to get yourself “un-cancelled” in the scene after doing something problematic years ago? Asking for a friend…. -AFRIEND
Dear A Friend: You used to be able to share an opinion, pay a woman a compliment, or trap a subordinate in your office using a concealed auto-lock to show them the collection of sex toys you keep inside a hollowed out Bible, but that was before the fun police decided office hi-jinx were illegal and America turned into a minefield of political correctness where even the most charming sexual predator or misunderstood racist could be penalized to the fullest extent of the law.
Being cancelled means getting placed on paid leave and having Milo Yiannopoulos visit your college, but being un-canceled is more complicated, like having a vasectomy reversed. It can be done but things will never be the same. You should consider using the internet as an outlet for your unwanted gestures, sexual or otherwise, where you’re just clicks away from having a consenting adult come over and flip through your parents’ wedding album in a zentai suit, or whatever you’re into.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].