Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Christian Bale Packs 50 lbs of Bananas Up Ass to Star in GG Allin Biopic

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Jon Wood

HOLLYWOOD — Netflix began production last month on an original docudrama based on the life and antics of shock-rocker GG Allin that will star Oscar-winner Christian Bale, who has completely transformed himself for the role, according to several traumatized sources.

“To be honest, I had no idea who GG was when Netflix first approached me,” said Bale from the set of “Outlaw Scumfuc: the GG Allin Story.” “But when they listed off his exploits, I was like, ‘You had me at ‘Shit all over the place and throw up on anyone you can.’ I really relate to this guy.”

The notorious method actor reportedly packed on 50 pounds, mostly comprised of bananas wedged up his ass, in preparation for the role.

“There have been several documentaries about GG, but no one has had the courage or discipline to pull off a credible dramatic portrayal,” said director and long-time Bale collaborator David O. Russell. “Have you seen Christian in the Bruce Wayne films? He just disappears into that character — shit, I didn’t even realize he was Batman until he tells the commissioner guy at the end of the last one!”

Bale reportedly delivers another Oscar-worthy performance in the film’s scatalogical climax, according to crew members who detailed the horrific escalation of events.

“Before the director could say ‘action,’ Christian charged the stage, completely naked and covered in human shit,” recalled script supervisor Jen Stoltz. “Next thing you know, he’s throwing chairs at us, lighting his pubes on fire, biting the head off a bat and jerking off with its little wings. And then this crazy motherfucker starts going off-script!”

According to multiple witnesses, Bale has taken to the role so well that for the scene, he shot heroin into his penis until he blacked out. Furthering the actor’s legend, when he regained consciousness, he launched right into his first anal food scene, nailing the action in one take.

“The whole time, we’re wondering if this maniac is going to hit his mark and sink that sweet, potassium-rich torpedo in his cornhole,” said assistant fruit & vegetable wrangler Walt Grimes. “I mean, that’s kinda the reason we’re all here, right? Certainly why I’m here.”

The film is already being hailed as the “Can’t-Unsee” streaming event of the year. Additionally, an original series documenting the recovery of heroin-in-the-dick survivors has been approved by Netflix, with the role of Bale going to fan-favorite and ’90s punk icon Ben Affleck.

Mysterious Sunglasses Found in Alley Allow Drifter to See Which Punks are Secretly Posers

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — A mysterious pair of sunglasses discovered by local crust punk and drifter Rick “Zilch” Toombs allegedly allow him to see which punks are secretly posers, fearful and closeted Good Charlotte-loving sources confirmed.

“I’ve seen that Zilch dude at a couple shows. Seemed nice… a little squirrely, though,” said apparent “real” punk Jenny Klemens. “But lately he’s been screaming and ranting about how his new ’80s-style mirrored sunglasses let him see which punks bought their Ramones shirts at Target, who’s hiding a dumbass nautical star or tribal tattoo, and who’s wearing lame cargo shorts. I guess you don’t need magic sunglasses to see the last one, but still — he was talking crazy.”

Local punk Jerry Donahughe reportedly saw Zilch behaving erratically, which some believe may be related to his mission of exposing the posers living among us.

“I ran into that dirty motherfucker in an alley earlier: I casually tossed him some money I owed him, and then all of a sudden, he attacked me,” said Donahughe. “Not because I refused to put on the glasses — he was drunk as hell and I said Minutemen were overrated. The fight was awkwardly long and just seemed like it was never going to end. Finally, I kneed him in the balls a bunch and he limped off.”

Following several failed attempts to convince individual punks of the glasses’ powers, Zilch took matters into his own hands by interrupting a recent all-ages show.

“Out of nowhere, this deranged crustie kicked open the door, jumped on stage and announced, ‘I have come here to crowdkill posers and chew vegan bubble gum. And I’m all out of vegan bubble gum,’” said show attendee Adam Livie. “Then he started wailing on a bunch of kids with faux-hawks. Some bigger dudes restrained him and he yelled about how his sunglasses let him see subliminal ‘consume’ messages in advertisements. Like, no shit, dude — pretty sure every punk believes that about advertising, glasses or no glasses.”

At press time, local police arrested the drifter and destroyed the sunglasses, assuring everyone that they were simply ordinary sunglasses and nothing more, adding, “Do not question authority. Obey.”

Man Without Racist Bone in Body Diagnosed with Severe Brain Racism

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Brooks Gray

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Sandusky resident Brent Farrett, well-known for his racism-free skeleton, was flabbergasted yesterday by his diagnosis of “acute degenerative brain racism,” sources close to the bigoted man confirmed.

“The idea that my brain has racism in it… it really blows my mind,” said Farrett, sporting an “All Lives Matter” T-shirt and retro Cleveland Indians cap. “I get along great with all the blacks and Mexicans at work — I’m always telling them I could care less if they’re black, blue, green or purple. After all, when I had my ATV accident, I hired one of those Jew injury lawyers. Chinese food? Well, son, I could eat that shit all day long. And I got nothing against illegals and gays and whatnot… I just don’t think they deserve special treatment.”

Farrett’s 24-year-old niece Breanne Tungley was unsurprised by the conclusion.

“I saw it coming. Uncle Brent gets drunk at a barbecue and he’ll be like, ‘Iranian terrorists are coming up through Mexico!’ or some garbage, and when I call him out, he tells me that same old trope: ‘I don’t have a racist bone in my body.’ I’m like, your bones don’t do your thinking, they just make it so you aren’t a puddle of skin,” said Tungley. “I think his diagnosis should be a wake-up call to the rest of the family. A lot of them suffer from the same condition: every time Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is on Fox News, they instinctively shriek, ‘Send her back!’”

Local orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Kent Markowicz confirmed that Farrett has shown tell-tale signs of brain racism for years.

“It is nonsensical that any part of the skeletal system could be described as ‘racist,’ so Mr. Farrett is technically correct about that,” said Dr. Markowicz. “I’m not a neurologist, but Brent’s brain is really the only possible source of his racism. And the only treatment for racism of the brain is to shut your mouth and listen to other people, and maybe read some books — you know, serious self-reflection with humility and a willingness to change. Frankly, I’m not hopeful about Mr. Farrett’s prognosis.”

Unfortunately, while acute degenerative brain racism is a chronic, non-fatal disorder, Farrett is expected to survive for multiple voting cycles.

Relaunched StumbleUpon Shuffles User Between Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — The creators of the once-popular website StumbleUpon announced today they are relaunching the service for the modern internet era and will allow users to discover up to three websites including Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook.

“StumbleUpon fans miss the excitement of not knowing what they’re going to land on next! Hell, some of the most fascinating creators I’ve ever seen are websites I stumbled upon back in 2012. We want to bring that experience back in 2019, even if there’s only three websites that exist,” said StumbleUpon co-founder Garrett Camp. “That’s the internet, baby!”

According to users who tried the new version of StumbleUpon, the website primarily functions the same way it did in the past, just without the thousands of active websites that once existed before the web was monopolized.

“I opened it up and pressed ‘stumble’ and it showed me a tweet. It was kind of funny. Then I pressed ‘stumble’ again and it showed me a screenshot of the tweet posted to Facebook, but with the username cut off. Then I pressed ‘stumble’ a third time and it showed me a screenshot of the Facebook post upvoted to the top of Reddit,” said user Dana Smith. “After that it said I ran out of websites.”

“I kinda wanted to see what it would look like if the tweet was on Instagram, but I guess that’s considered more of an app,” Smith continued. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to press the button again if I want to see another Trump joke.”

As of press time, Camp said in a series of tweets that StumbleUpon had considered adding a few news sites to the list but decided that the service should not be political. The tweets were then screenshotted and each hit the top of r/all on Reddit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Interview the CIA Agent Who Created Punk Rock as a Psyop to Make Legitimate Revolt Look Stupid

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

The debate over who started punk rock is as legendary as it is pointless. Legendary, because of the transatlantic feud between The Ramones and The Sex Pistols; and pointless, because it wasn’t them. Thanks to an overlooked section of declassified COINTELPRO and CHAOS documents, we finally know exactly who created punk rock.

One agent working for the CIA in the late ‘60s invented the entire musical genre to de-legitimize the very concept of protest. Though he’s retired, he asked to remain anonymous, fearing reprisal from violent Jawbreaker purists.

Hard Times: What inspired the creation of punk aesthetics?

Former Agent: I wanted punk to seem dirty, like hippies, but also militant, so people would confuse it with more serious groups. Black Panthers, Socialist Workers, etc. It came down to two elements: bad music, and clownish fashions.

HT: But punk artists with clear political messages eventually started popping up Stateside: Bad Religion, Anti-Flag; even Andrew W.K.’s partying has revolutionary potential.

FA: Messages about rebellion and corruption will always slip through, but there simply aren’t enough of them to counter the suburban, radio-friendly punk ethos we designed later. My successor created Blink 182 and Hot Topic for that reason.

HT: Really? The Hot Topic company was a CIA creation?

FA: Yes, down to the Happy Bunny character, with the slogans. People take one look at that, they decide revolution doesn’t sound so great after all.

HT: What other movements were begun as psyops, that you can talk about?

FA: Pop country should be obvious. We didn’t even try with that one.

HT: Do you know of similar operations being run today?

FA: It’s all Juggalos. A buddy who’s still with the bureau told me 35% of attendees at this year’s Gathering were deep-cover agents attempting to steal anti- face recognition techniques.

HT: Are there any recent major events you think came close to upsetting the balance of power?

FA: Fyre Fest was a big one. Not only did it target young, wealthy people, but the mass ill-will toward the rich that was generated afterward will take a while to undo.

HT: Wait, are you saying Ja Rule could potentially be the next Fred Hampton?

FA: I can’t say, but I’d be careful what I print if I were you.

HT: Jesus. Okay. Uh, any final thoughts?

FA: Up the punx.

It’s Time to Face the Facts: Pinky and the Brain Are Never Going to Take Over the World

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As America ages not-so-gracefully into its 240s, with climate change knocking on our doors and tribalism facing all-time highs, it’s time we become realistic about the idealism of our past and finally admit to ourselves, as a nation, that Pinky and the Brain will very likely never take over the world.

For those not in the know, Pinky and the Brain are two genetically enhanced lab mice — the latter is a genius and the former insane — who have had lofty goals of taking over planet Earth since 1993. But after countless failed attempts at achieving world domination, it’s time we take stock of the fact that this a nearly impossible task. The hopeful confidence of the ‘90s are long gone, and with it, the dreams of these two mice — as well as the idealistic citizens who followed their every move.

First of all, as I mentioned earlier, Pinky self-identifies as insane. He constantly ponders about cheese instead of global domination and he foils his own partner’s plans consistently and constantly. Brain, on the other hand, is too clever for his own good. He’s overconfident and, as a result, careless. Both are clearly products of their time, not to mention their own failures, and, no matter how difficult it may be to move on, need to be left behind.

Generation Z is blossoming just as the values of Generation Y and Millennials set. Those born young enough to witness the birth of what once seemed a promising, inspirational venture are now in their 30s and forced to explain to their children why these two aging lab mice will never make it into the chapters of their history books.

We need to look forward to the future. The legends of tomorrow, be they We Bare Bears or Hilda, are the new idols in which we must place our faith. Perhaps our old friends Pinky and the Brain can find solace in the idea that the journey is the destination. For us, however, we need to be pondering something — someone — else.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Tigers Jaw Album Cover Wins “Best Pizza in the U.S.” Nine Years Running

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SCRANTON, Penn. — TripAdvisor today named the reissue cover for Tigers Jaw’s 2008 self-titled album as the “Best Pizza” for the ninth year in a row in their annual “15 Best Pizzas in the United States” list.

“I know I can’t literally eat the pizza on the Tigers Jaw cover — and trust me, I’ve printed it out and tried — but nonetheless, no pizza I’ve ever eaten will fill my stomach as much as just that photo does alone. It would be downright dishonest to not have the Tigers Jaw self-titled reissue cover remain at the top of my list for nearly a decade,” TripAdvisor writer Steven Bailey wrote in the list published this morning. “It just looks so goddamn good. From the deep red of the sauce to the stretched cheese coming off the slice being taken, the Tigers Jaw pizza pie is the most filling pizza I’ve ever had.”

Bailey has made a career of travelling to popular pizzerias around the country to taste-test each pie, but continues to search for a slice that tastes as good as the Tigers Jaw album cover looks.

“The chorus rings in the opening track, ‘What about your friends? Do they make you happy?’” Bailey continued in the post. “It’s hard to imagine anyone singing about disliking their friends if they bring along a sweet, sweet pizza like this one with them. I don’t know what it is, but I’m enamored.”

Those close to Bailey, however, believe there is an ulterior motive behind ranking the album art as his top pizza each year.

“Yeah… that album just happened to come out a few days after Bailey’s longtime high school girlfriend cheated on him and dumped him,” said Bailey’s friend Michelle Rogers. “He played that shit nonstop for like, six years, and he’s obviously still not over her. I dunno… the pizza looks good in the photo, but it’s really Jennifer that he keeps putting at the top of his TripAdvisor lists.”

“I like Tigers Jaw, but they’re one of those dime-a-dozen emo bands,” she added. “If Jenn cheated on him a few years later, he’d be putting the kids from the Joyce Manor self-titled album cover at the top of every 10 Cutest Children in America blog or some shit.”

When reached for comment, a representative from Tigers Jaw responded, “What?”

Anime Girl Has Massive Back Problems After Spending Entire Life With Her Knees Bent In

Posted on August 13, 2019 by Peter Casciato

KYOTO, Japan — Mitsui Aya, star of the popular anime series Teenage Monster Slayers, has begun experiencing debilitating back pain as a result of spending her entire life with her knees bent in, the monster slayer and her chiropractor both confirmed.

“When I first started experiencing pain in my lower back, I assumed it was from all of the monster fighting I was doing,” said Aya yesterday following a physical therapy appointment at the Kyoto Center for Anime and Dating Sim Injuries. “But then I went to a chiropractor and he explained that the discomfort was actually due to my poor posture.”

Aya’s chiropractor confirms this problem has become all too common in hand-drawn characters.

“We see it all the time in anime girls,” said Dr. Akagi, who specializes in animation-based pain. “These girls think it’s kawaii to pose with your knees bent in while flashing a double peace sign, or erotic to hold the knees together when lying naked on silk sheets. And while they’re completely correct, this position can have serious consequences in the long term.”

In order to return to fighting shape, Aya has taken a leave of absence from Monster Hunter High School and devoted herself full-time to the recovery process.

“It’s imperative that we strengthen her back muscles as soon as possible,” said Dr. Akagi, “because she’s going to need all the support she can get with a rack like that.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Sanders Rally Delayed as Local Promoter Searches for Working PA

Posted on August 13, 2019 by Goodrich Gevaart

BLOOMFIELD, Iowa — A rally for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is entering its fourth hour of delay while event organizers scramble to find a functional PA, panicked sources confirmed.

“Man, I don’t want to point fingers… but my friend Booger told me we could borrow his PA for the night, and when I went to pick it up from his place, he told me he sold it to his cousin last week,” said Sanders campaign volunteer Alex Morris. “Right now, our best option is a microphone plugged directly into a small bass amp my stepdad had in his garage. The cord is sort of fried, though, so if your lips touch the mic it’s gonna zap you pretty damn bad.”

“Plus, we don’t have a mic stand… we were hoping Bernie might be able to borrow one from the Biden campaign or something,” added Morris.

Sanders’ campaign officials confirmed that this is not an uncommon occurrence at speaking engagements featuring the Vermont senator.

“Bernie has made his entire career as a grassroots candidate. Because of this, we often end up bringing Bernie to some really questionable venues. Last week, he spoke at a basement show in California with a bunch of grindcore bands. But before that, he got up at a comedy open mic and did three minutes on Medicare for all, which totally crushed,” said campaign manager Faiz Shakir. “If we don’t find a functioning PA tonight, Bernie will just yell as loud as he can through a traffic cone again or something.”

Despite the delay, Sanders’ supporters seemed to be in good spirits as they waited for him to take the stage — a single sheet of plywood, upon stolen milk crates.

“I saw Bernie back in 2016 and it was a fucking madhouse, man. When he started talking about free college for everyone, I swear a pit opened up,” said longtime Sanders fan Emily Wilson. “It will definitely be worth the wait. But a lot of people are already losing their voices from chanting ‘Bernie’ for several hours straight, and a bunch more here aren’t actually old enough to vote, so they need to head home soon.”

At press time, Sanders was instructing everyone to “move the fuck up” closer to the stage.

Anti-Vaxxer and 9/11 Truther Team Up to Ruin Dinner Party

Posted on August 13, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

NAPLES, Fla. — A dinner party last night was left in tatters after an anti-vaccination activist and 9/11 truther used the event as a forum to push their discredited views, annoyed sources confirmed.

“I just feel terrible that people I invited ended up subjecting people I care about to such idiocy,” said distraught host Emily Powell, chain smoking on her back porch. “I thought they’d be able to keep it chill for a couple hours… but as soon as people settled in, they pounced like a cat stalking prey. They both had pamphlets riddled with spelling mistakes, and showed everyone poorly made conspiracy theory videos on their phones.”

Witnesses reported the party first took a downward trajectory during pre-dinner drinks, when the two guests each cited fringe blogs in casual conversation before shutting off the music and launching into full-blown rants about their respective beliefs.

“At one point, both of them singled me out, telling me to ‘wake up’ and that I ‘probably love licking the boots of the government mind control police,’” said dinner party attendee Pete O’Brien. “Ultimately, I pretended to take a phone call and just went and sat in my car for a while. I felt bad for everyone still left inside — there’s only one bathroom to hide in, so that means at least five people got ‘educated.’”

Anti-vaxxer Rachel Evans was unphased by the criticism.

“I just can’t sit around and let these people remain ignorant about the poisons turning a generation of kids into zombies,” said Evans. “I’m sorry if your mashed potatoes don’t taste as good with a side dish of truth, but I’m not going to remain silent.”

9/11 truther Luke Mitchell agreed, refusing to apologize for creating a tense atmosphere.

“All I am saying is jet fuel can’t melt steel beams,” said Mitchell while wiping profuse sweat from his forehead. “If you really want the truth as to what happened, just look at Tower Seven.”

Unable to salvage the evening, Powell cited the “late” hour and post-party clean-up when ending the gathering.

“I guess things just are out of your control sometimes,” remarked Powell, now preparing to introduce her police officer father to her civil rights attorney boyfriend.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News