How Well Do You Remember the Lyrics to Sum 41’s “Fat Dick”

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

Dozens of songs were reportedly released between June of 2000 and April of 2007 but thanks to multiple concussions, the only one I really remember is “Fat Dick” by Sum 41. But that song has, like, a hundred words and I’m having a little trouble singing along with confidence. I’ve got the beginning of each line memorized, but I keep forgetting how they end. Can you help remind me of the lyrics to Sum 41’s masterpiece so I won’t get embarrassed at my family reunion party next weekend?

1. “Shitting in the potty like…”

A) my ass was El Nino
B) a turd-shaped El Camino
C) the untimely death of the Great Bambino

2. “As a kid, I _____ and no one knew my great shame.”

A) ate a squid
B) had a dick
C) was Jewish

3. “I slashed my Mom’s mouse, Harvey…”

A) ‘cause he kept calling me names
B) ‘cause he said he liked pain
C) ‘cause he one-upped my fame

4. “I know I’m not the one you thought you knew: Big-ass kaiju…”

A) never stopping, always stomping until I had killed you
B) I was and am and will be very clearly a human
C) *roars*

5. “I’m sick of always fearing…”

A) girls named Paige
B) a wizard mage
C) donut glaze

6. “_____, become another casualty of sobriety“

A) I don’t wanna watch Land Before Time
B) I don’t wanna stop committing crimes
C) A few years ago, I had this friend named Dave who was always the life of the party. At virtually every social gathering he’d tell hilarious jokes, invent fun games, and generally make everybody feel included and like they could have a relaxed, good time. But after awhile we started to realize Dave was probably drinking too much. It seemed like he couldn’t not have a drink. No matter where we were or what time of day it was he always had at least a beer in hand. Don’t get me wrong, he was still fun, but I was nervous he was pushing it too far. Eventually his drinking led to him being fired from work and losing his wife so he decided to make a change. He went to rehab, got cleaned up, and came out stronger than ever. Only problem? He wasn’t fun anymore. He just wasn’t interesting to talk to or hang out with anymore and, sadly, we slowly we lost touch. I’ve always regretted it. There are a lot of things you lose when you get sober and most of those things are bad. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that our friendship had

7. “Kidnap another victim…”

A) with your deformity
B) in the minority
C) aged 43

8. “Because you don’t ______ we laugh when old people are mauled.”

A) let us go to the mall
B) deck all the halls
C) close the door to the stall

9. “Heavy metal and _____ it’s how ribs get braised”

A) mullets
B) $11
C) frying lightly before stewing slowly in a closed container

10. “_____ a minor is only kinda offensive”

A) Eating out
B) Feeling up
C) Jesus. None of these lyrics are actually in the song, right?

11. “It’s none of your concern, my crotch will always burn…”

A) I’m sick of being told to see a doctor
B) I’m sick of smelling Grandpa’s shitty urn
C) When will my penis ever learn?

12. “Don’t count on me, to forgive your sin. Don’t count on me…”

A) I’m not legally ordained
B) I got kicked out of seminary
C) only God can forgive the horrible things you’ve done

13. “Cause I have a no good dick…”

A) with a low-class ass
B) on the way to Mass
C) and there’ve been a surprising number of religious references in a song ostensibly about my penis

14. “The priest said my mom should have had…”

A) less testicular torsion
B) a baby with better proportions
C) a girl

Dirk Squibley sure does sing fast! I would have no idea what to sing without your help. Let’s see Cousin Larry try and make fun of me at the family reunion this year when I crush his ass at karaoke!

Sloth Furry Arrives Three Days Late to Convention

Posted on by Neil Floyd

ROSEMONT, Ill. — A member of the regional furry community expressed frustration following the Midwest Furfest this past weekend, after his sloth fursona required him to move so slowly that he arrived a full three days late to the convention.

 “This always happens to me,” said Timothy Wexler, sedately taking off his sloth head outside the vacant Donald E. Stephens Convention Center. “Obviously, my OC wouldn’t drive faster than five miles per hour. A real sloth wouldn’t even be able to use a car, so I’m already cutting corners there. I knew I was gonna miss the con when I’d traveled all day and only got to the end of my development, but I refused to break character.” 

Despite his unwavering dedication to accurate furry roleplaying, Wexler admitted his patience had begun to wear thin.

“I’m all for fursona integrity, but damn. It took me two days just to enter my credit card information online for this ticket,” he complained, taking a few minutes to cross his legs. “Maybe I could pitch a tent and hang out here until next year’s FurFest.”

 A disappointed Wexler then rushed back to his car, refusing to answer any more questions. Eyewitnesses report he was moving briskly enough to reach it in under three hours.

 “And I thought I was dedicated to my cat fursona,” said Katrina Phan, a friend of Wexler’s. “Last year, I missed the whole first day of FurFest because I slept for 21 hours and spent the rest of the time licking myself. Speaking of, I should order my badge for next year.” 

Phan got off the laptop she had been sitting on, powered it up, and then continued. 

“I hope Timmy gets the timing figured out by then. I knew that guy was the real deal when I met him at the Fursuit Dance Competition afterparty and he was still finishing his routine.”

 At press time, Wexler was reportedly browsing Fur Affinity for cheetah fursuits, and was “confident” he would finish typing the URL by the end of the week.

Photo via Danko.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Crowd Silently Relieved Show’s Been Canceled

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

CHICAGO — The entire audience at Lincoln Hall last night let out sighs of relief when finding out they were free to enjoy their evening elsewhere, as the Wormicide show they’d planned to attend was canceled.

“Thank Christ this thing is off — this is the last place I want to be,” said potential attendee Ben Sully, who only came because his friend loves the former headliner and gave him a free ticket. “I knew leaving my house was a bad idea, but at least now I can get some ice cream on the way home and still be in bed at a reasonable hour.”

Sully was just one of several hundred people cheering internally to avoid hours of moshers, spilled drinks, and standing on their tip-toes just to be able to see.

“It’s fucking Tuesday,” said ticket holder Deb Harrington, who was initially excited about the show until it came time to actually go. “I’ve got a shitload of work I need to do tomorrow, I’m fucking tired, and an Uber at the end of night would bankrupt me. I heard the show was canceled because one of the bands got in a bad accident, which definitely sucks, but at the same time, this really works out for me.”

Despite the positive reception of the show’s cancellation, not all attending took the news well.

“Everyone told me not book Wormicide because they almost always no-show… and even when they do, they’re too drunk or high to perform,” said an enraged Megan Calkins, the show’s promoter. “I’m going to take a fucking bath on these ticket sales. When their tour manager called me from the hospital crying and talking about how he has never seen so much blood, I just wanted to reach through the phone and ring his damn neck.”

Calkins was last seen trying to avoid the opening band, who were still asking if they were getting paid for tonight.

Punk Bassist Prefers Pick Over Fingers While Jamming On Girlfriend’s Clit

Posted on by Freelancer

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Punk bassist Becca Roberts defended her decision today to use a plectrum for the clitoral stimulation of her girlfriend, despite pressure from other bassists who insist she’d benefit from improving her fingerstyle technique.

“I don’t see the problem — using a pick absolutely gets better tone and more treble in Camila [Perez]’s moans,” explained Roberts, bassist and songwriter of punk band Dildon’t. “This is my personal style, and Camila likes it pretty aggressive. You just can’t get that sound and vibe using soft fingers.”

Roberts’ bandmates in Dildon’t have grown accustomed to her stubbornness.

“Becca can’t be told what to do,” said guitarist Lyz Gavras. “One time, I suggested maybe she try playing something other than the root note in a song; she then played one note for the entire rest of the rehearsal. And you know what? It totally fucking ripped. I actually kinda hope she just does that every single time, at least when we’re in a hurry… like, if our parents are coming to visit the studio or something.”

The worldwide bass community, however, condemned Roberts’ narrowmindedness as a crutch preventing further development.

“There are so many ways for a bassist to get their girlfriend off,” argued prog-metal bassist Jason Conrad of the band Admiral Isosceles. “Fingerstyle, slap & pop, and two-hand tapping are just a few options beyond relying on a primitive pick. Picks are just so limiting.”

“One day, I hope to have a girlfriend to try some of these techniques myself,” Conrad added.

However, licensed sex therapist Dr. Rhonda Schlesinger took an acute interest in the debate.

“Don’t ever do anything like this on any woman’s clitoris. I don’t care how cool you think it looks,” an exasperated Dr. Schlesinger lamented on her sex podcast, “Truth Or(gasm) Dare.” “And we all know bassists don’t wash their hands or change strings, either, so it might seem like a safe alternative when considering the risk of infection. But it’s still not worth it.”

At press time, Perez was seen on the couples’ back porch, relaxedly smoking a cigarette while wearing a robe.

Friends Accidentally Touching Fingers While Passing Controller Forced to Imagine Life Together

Posted on by Ben Doyle

BARNEGAT LIGHT, N.J. —  Self-described platonic friends Nathaniel Hester and Dorian McIntosh were forced to imagine a saucy domestic fantasy in which they fell deeply in love and spent their entire lives together after accidentally brushing fingertips earlier this evening, nosy sources report. 

“So I was, just, y’know, handing him the controller,” said Hester, refusing to make eye-contact with anyone in the room. “And all of a sudden — I don’t know what happened — our fingers were touching. And in my head I was like, ‘Bro, your fingers are crazy soft.’ Not to be weird or anything, but I thought I was touching straight-up silk. Like, no joke, silk. So then I thought, like, ‘How weird would it be if we just held hands for fun?’ I almost said that out loud, but it grossed me out so much that I was totally zoned out thinking about it. I sort of forget what happened for the next five minutes, but eventually I was thinking, like, ‘Ew, dude, what if we were married? Like, what if we had this cute little Brownstone in Park Slope where I could feel his silken hands all day?’ But then it was my turn again, so I got to stop thinking about it.”

Sources report that McIntosh appeared distracted during his turn, dying repeatedly to low-level enemies without apparent care. 

“I can’t believe I had to touch Nathaniel’s nasty-ass fingers,” said McIntosh. “They were all weird and leathery — like he had been working outside in the hot sun all day, sweating, taking off his shirt and stuff. I really hate thinking about that shit. But, like, how am I supposed to help myself when our fingers are all intertwined like that? I mean, not, like intertwined, I guess. There’s my imagination going crazy again.”

At press time, Hester and McIntosh were looking into purchasing a second controller.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Vocoder Really Livening Up Eulogy

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

DANBURY, Conn. — Local woman Allison Moore brought some joy to an otherwise somber moment earlier today by delivering the eulogy for her late mother through a vocoder she picked up at a garage sale, grieving family members confirmed.

“My mom always encouraged me to be different, so I know she’s looking down on me from heaven and smiling after my loving tribute,” said Moore of her 18-minute eulogy that included a rendition of “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” by Daft Punk. “When everyone else talked about my mom, it lacked the heart that made her so unique — yeah, they talked about her love of animals and her dedication to homeless outreach, but all that did was make people cry and put me to sleep. You really gotta step it up if you wanna keep people’s attention these days.”

Many of the deceased’s closest friends and family were moved by Moore’s creative approach to eulogizing her mother.

“I’m a huge Electric Light Orchestra fan, so I almost forgot I was at a funeral for a second. I got really lost in the sound and found myself grooving in the aisle when [Allison] mentioned her mother always put her kids first,” said “cool Uncle” Jerry Moore. “I know Allison’s father is also sick, so if she plans on doing this at his funeral, I hope she includes some sort of backing musical track to really fill in the sound. I think that simple tweak could take a good eulogy and make it a great eulogy.”

However, not all were happy with Moore’s use of the voice synthesizer.

“That robot impersonating my granddaughter was horrifying. I wanted to scream, but I was frozen in place during the whole talk. I haven’t been that scared since Normandy,” said Moore’s 98-year-old grandfather Leonard Chapman from the parking lot. “I know people probably thought I was crying because I lost my oldest daughter, but I was crying because I thought that monster was going to drag us all straight to hell. I am not going back in that church.”

The funeral concluded with Moore’s brother Thomas playing a theremin rendition of his mother’s favorite song, Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” which was enjoyed by nobody.

Opinion: I Could Fuckin’ Take That Guy

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

Oh boy, look who just walked in. Who does this douchebag think he is? I hate when assholes from out of town come through here like they own the place. Fuckin’ locals only bro, read the room! You know what I think? I think I could fuckin’ take that guy.

No dude, seriously, I could. And I’m gonna.

I bet he thinks that Metallica shirt makes him look tough and cool. Hey next time buy the right size- those stupid muscles busting out of that shirt don’t make you look any cooler, bro! Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna say to him if he comes over here. But he won’t, dude. He looks like one of those guys who just talks a lotta shit but never steps up. Trust me, I know the type.

God that guy even drinks his beer like an asshole. What, we don’t have the right seasonal IPA for you, fuckface?! I would loooooove for him to try and start some shit. Like, he’ll walk up and say some shitty shit or something and then I’ll slam my beer in one chug, and then- BAM! You hit him with a chair while he’s looking at me. Then you two can start stomping him out and I’ll stand here saying something super fucking cool like, “I’ll have what he’s having… a knuckle sandwich… to go…” Yeah.

Nah dude it’s not gonna be like last time. Don’t even bring up the guy in the sweater vest. He didn’t “kick my ass,” you KNOW I tripped on my shoelace dude. Whatever man, I’m wearing slip-ons tonight so I’m ready to fuckin’ go bro, just say the word.

Shit is he looking over here? Alright dude, whatever, I’m gonna make the first move on this motherfucker and show him what’s what. Hold my White Claw and watch how it’s done.

Kidz Bop Songwriting Team Really Struggling With Death Grips Cover

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — The in-house songwriting and production team behind the Kidz Bop series fell into writer’s block this week after being assigned Death Grips’ “Giving Bad People Good Ideas,” various scared child vocalists reported.

“I sang over 20 takes, but they kept asking me to sound angry and scared at the same time,” recalled confused seven-year-old Stevie Robinson. “That doesn’t make sense! I don’t think they’ve slept for days. I miss singing Maroon 5. This music is scary.”

Sunken-eyed and shaking Kidz Bop songwriters Mike Gatto and Julie Kingston revealed that Kidz Bop’s new direction is taking a toll on them.

“I’ve never had to try to recreate a song like this before. Is it even in any specific key?” asked an exasperated Gatto to no one in particular. “I’ve made multiple trips to Guitar Center in the hopes of finding gear that sounds anything like Death Grips. But the lyrics are barely decipherable, and for the few I can make out, coming up with cute ways to get around the profanity is maddening.”

“I used to be so happy with a full-time job in music,” added the Juilliard-educated Kingston. “But after beginning this project, I’m starting to get envious of my sister’s consulting job at Deloitte. She doesn’t have to get children to tap into a sense of homicidal rage.”

New Kidz Bop CEO and former Pitchfork Media reviewer Pandora Danielson admitted her selections for re-made kids music may be unorthodox.

“It’s time for kids to hear music beyond the Top 40 — they need music that challenges them,” explained Danielson. “Mixing Death Grips, Shellac, and Pharmakon with the usual Jonas Brothers and One Direction cuts will accelerate their artistic development… kinda like how ‘Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 1’ inexplicably had ‘Karma Police’ on it. We’re just pushing things a little further. They either learn now, or later.”

Anonymous sources leaked that the Kingston-Gatto team is threatening to quit after receiving word that their next assignment is Sunn O)))’s “It Took the Night to Believe.”

Photo via YouTube and Flickr.

Lonely Gamer Just Wants Someone to Settle Down and Get Way Too Into Board Games With

Posted on by Steven Porfiri

MINNEAPOLIS — Lamenting the scarcity of eligible women in online voice chats, Darren McDaniels announced Wednesday that he simply could not wait to find a nice girl that he could settle down with and get way too into board games with.

“I’m so tired of trying to meet singles on these online games because everything’s just so fast paced and casual,” explained McDaniels, who has been single ever since his previous relationship with a girl he met on Discord who turned out to be a Hayden Panettiere soundboard. “What I really want is to meet someone that will finally give me a reason to spend hours debating the finer points of the rules to Frasieropoly.”

“The final stage of the traditional gamer courtship ritual is to get very into board games with their newfound significant other,” explained relationship expert Macy Williams. “Some would they get say way too into board games, but for most gamers this is the ultimate expression of love and commitment. Some are even calling this the sixth Love Language.”

“I don’t really know much about that Love Language stuff, but I know this is what I want for my future relationship,” responded McDaniels. “I’ve even picked out the perfect shelving unit from Target that should hold most of my games — sorry, our games.” 

McDaniels went on to explain that his future connection should be satisfied with a heavy eurogame selection, and not just Settlers of Catan with the Seafarers expansion.

“We are absolutely going to have the Starfarers version in our lives as well. She should also be familiar with the basics of Ticket to Ride, but I don’t mind putting together a few teach sessions for her benefit. We should also look into Carcassonne eventually as well. Also, of course we’re gonna have some legacy games. What better way to build OUR legacy than with a board game we can destroy over the course of three months on days when two or more of our friends happen to be free?”

When asked about the prevalence of card games in his collection, McDaniels grew cold. “I can stomach Coup or even Cards Against Humanity, but if she brings in Apples to Apples or, like Bananagrams, it’s done. I don’t want anything to do with that weak shit.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.