Press "Enter" to skip to content

Kidz Bop Songwriting Team Really Struggling With Death Grips Cover

NEW YORK — The in-house songwriting and production team behind the Kidz Bop series fell into writer’s block this week after being assigned Death Grips’ “Giving Bad People Good Ideas,” various scared child vocalists reported.

“I sang over 20 takes, but they kept asking me to sound angry and scared at the same time,” recalled confused seven-year-old Stevie Robinson. “That doesn’t make sense! I don’t think they’ve slept for days. I miss singing Maroon 5. This music is scary.”

Sunken-eyed and shaking Kidz Bop songwriters Mike Gatto and Julie Kingston revealed that Kidz Bop’s new direction is taking a toll on them.

“I’ve never had to try to recreate a song like this before. Is it even in any specific key?” asked an exasperated Gatto to no one in particular. “I’ve made multiple trips to Guitar Center in the hopes of finding gear that sounds anything like Death Grips. But the lyrics are barely decipherable, and for the few I can make out, coming up with cute ways to get around the profanity is maddening.”

“I used to be so happy with a full-time job in music,” added the Juilliard-educated Kingston. “But after beginning this project, I’m starting to get envious of my sister’s consulting job at Deloitte. She doesn’t have to get children to tap into a sense of homicidal rage.”

New Kidz Bop CEO and former Pitchfork Media reviewer Pandora Danielson admitted her selections for re-made kids music may be unorthodox.

“It’s time for kids to hear music beyond the Top 40 — they need music that challenges them,” explained Danielson. “Mixing Death Grips, Shellac, and Pharmakon with the usual Jonas Brothers and One Direction cuts will accelerate their artistic development… kinda like how ‘Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 1’ inexplicably had ‘Karma Police’ on it. We’re just pushing things a little further. They either learn now, or later.”

Anonymous sources leaked that the Kingston-Gatto team is threatening to quit after receiving word that their next assignment is Sunn O)))’s “It Took the Night to Believe.”

Photo via YouTube and Flickr.

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.