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Punk Bassist Prefers Pick Over Fingers While Jamming On Girlfriend’s Clit

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Punk bassist Becca Roberts defended her decision today to use a plectrum for the clitoral stimulation of her girlfriend, despite pressure from other bassists who insist she’d benefit from improving her fingerstyle technique.

“I don’t see the problem — using a pick absolutely gets better tone and more treble in Camila [Perez]’s moans,” explained Roberts, bassist and songwriter of punk band Dildon’t. “This is my personal style, and Camila likes it pretty aggressive. You just can’t get that sound and vibe using soft fingers.”

Roberts’ bandmates in Dildon’t have grown accustomed to her stubbornness.

“Becca can’t be told what to do,” said guitarist Lyz Gavras. “One time, I suggested maybe she try playing something other than the root note in a song; she then played one note for the entire rest of the rehearsal. And you know what? It totally fucking ripped. I actually kinda hope she just does that every single time, at least when we’re in a hurry… like, if our parents are coming to visit the studio or something.”

The worldwide bass community, however, condemned Roberts’ narrowmindedness as a crutch preventing further development.

“There are so many ways for a bassist to get their girlfriend off,” argued prog-metal bassist Jason Conrad of the band Admiral Isosceles. “Fingerstyle, slap & pop, and two-hand tapping are just a few options beyond relying on a primitive pick. Picks are just so limiting.”

“One day, I hope to have a girlfriend to try some of these techniques myself,” Conrad added.

However, licensed sex therapist Dr. Rhonda Schlesinger took an acute interest in the debate.

“Don’t ever do anything like this on any woman’s clitoris. I don’t care how cool you think it looks,” an exasperated Dr. Schlesinger lamented on her sex podcast, “Truth Or(gasm) Dare.” “And we all know bassists don’t wash their hands or change strings, either, so it might seem like a safe alternative when considering the risk of infection. But it’s still not worth it.”

At press time, Perez was seen on the couples’ back porch, relaxedly smoking a cigarette while wearing a robe.

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