Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Conspiracy Podcast Suggests Link Between Epstein Death and Lack of Comfortable Casper Mattress in Cell

Posted on August 11, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

BISBEE, Ariz. — An “emergency” episode of the conspiracy theory-themed podcast Overacity Radio speculated about a direct correlation between the mysterious death of alleged pedophiliac financier Jeffery Epstein and the lack of a high quality Casper mattress inside his prison cell.

“I mean, is there even a surveillance video that shows if he had the type of mattress you can get the best sleep of your life on or not?” asked Rod Morrow, host of the long-running podcast, referring to his show’s primary sponsor. “I mean, this guy already tried to kill himself once — they really should have been making sure he was sleeping on a mattress that offered instant comfort and a balance of softness and support. Buckle up, Fact Pack, because it wasn’t Trump, and it wasn’t the Clintons: it was simply a man used to the finer things in life who was no longer able to get a solid eight hours of rest.”

“I’ll tell you one thing,” he added. “I recently slept on a foldout couch at a friend’s house after getting used to the Casper I have at home, and I felt like the sweet release of death would have been welcome. This is an open and shut case, if you ask me.”

Despite the repeated, glowing endorsements of their signature mattresses, Casper representative Johnathan Yates was quick to distance the company from the controversial views of the show’s host.

“No. Absolutely not. We don’t want anything to do with this,” said Yates during a press conference earlier today. “After a long and prosperous relationship with Overacity Radio, we have decided to sever ties with the podcast. The promo code ‘ThereWasNo9/11’ will still be honored until the end of the month, however.”

At press time, Morrow was promoting his next episode, which posed the hypothesis that the recent wave of personal information leaks might not have happened if more people had hosted their personal websites on Squarespace.

If you like podcasts check out everything The Hard Times Podcast Network has to offer by clicking here.

This Japanese Folk-Punk Band Sings About Riding the Clean and Efficient Bullet Train

Posted on August 11, 2019 by Michael Luis

Freighthopping, commonly known in punk circles as ‘train hopping,’ is the act of stealthily boarding a train and riding it to new destinations. While the act was made popular by the traveling American hobos of the early 1900’s, it is now a worldwide rite of passage for anarchists, nomads, and vagrants hoping to travel on the cheap.

It’s also been a popular way for folk-punk musicians to get from one city to the next, busking and gigging with their ramshackle acoustic instruments along the way. However, there is one folk-punk band taking railway travel in a different direction.

Meet Railrocket, a Tokyo-based trio who travel from show to show using their country’s famous Shinkansen. The high-speed rail line (known colloquially in English as the “bullet train”) debuted in 1964 and has since transported over 10 billion passengers across the country. “It’s made touring so easy,” says frontman Tajima Shinzo. “I no longer have to worry about catching bedbugs from a crust punk or dropping my guitar off the side.”

The band used to sneak onto Japan’s freight trains but their washboard player Hatake Kenjiro broke his foot attempting to board a moving railcar in 2016. They switched to the Shinkansen shortly thereafter and it fully revolutionized the way they toured. “It goes so fast, sometimes we can play two or three shows in one day if we time it right,” Hatake told me. “The ticket is a bit expensive, but being able to play eight shows in a weekend freed us up to get day jobs!”

Their love of the bullet train has notably influenced Tajima’s lyrics. Some English translations of their song titles include “Three Hundred Miles Per Hour,” “Speeding Bullet to Kyoto,” and “1435mm Standard-Gauge Track With Welded Rails to Reduce Vibration.”

The train’s high-tech pedigree has also inspired the group make other updates to their folk-punk lifestyle. They’ve bought electric instruments, made their busking e-transfer-only, and when their dog Isamu passed away, they had his consciousness uploaded to a digital avatar that they keep with them on a tablet.

Although the band is evolving, the group is quick to assert that they haven’t lost their edge. “Fuck the government!” shouted Tajima as we concluded our interview. “With the exception of its groundbreaking transport sector!”

Gerard Way Forced to Do Laundry As Only Thing Clean to Wear Is 1800s Black Marching Band Uniform

Posted on August 11, 2019 by Rob Walker

TRENTON, N.J. — Former My Chemical Romance frontman and comic book writer Gerard Way entered Sudsy’s Laundromat early Thursday morning wearing a black 1800s marching band uniform and carrying a “crushed velvet-Santa Claus bag” full of dirty laundry, laundromat security footage confirmed.

“At first I thought, maybe he got lost on his way to a parade, until I saw him separating his black shirts from the… slightly less blacks, I guess,” said Gina DiTiro, manager of Sudsy’s. “I noticed a lot of his collared shirts were discolored around the neck area — that typically happens when someone wears too much makeup to try to look like a translucent ghost. We offer services to clean that, but he seemed fine with the normal wash/dry cycle.”

Patron Cindy Lewis was about to wash her own laundry when she noticed Way monopolizing four machines at once with his massive collection of anachronistic clothing.

“He kept putting these weird costumes into the washers; it was like a goddamned clown car. Frilly-lace cravats, capes, some post-apocalyptic Japanese superhero costume… I thought collapsible top hats were dry-clean only,” said Lewis. “He threw about half-dozen leather jackets in at one point. I was going to try to stop him, but he’s a full grown adult. He needs to learn these things.”

As Way prepped his menagerie of costumes and accessories, he went to the front desk to purchase soap, clearly making employees and fellow patrons uncomfortable.

“He asked me if we had any club soda,” said Jim Barrow, a longtime clerk at the laundromat. “I told him that this is a laundromat, not a nightclub. But then he asked me what soap to use if he wanted to get Edwardian absinthe out of velour. ”

At press time, Way was looking intently into a dryer window as a white cotton dress and a Prussian soldier’s uniform spun erotically together in some sort of metaphor that will surely inspire his next morose-yet-energetic album.

Severely Overloaded Powerstrip on Stage Least Dangerous Aspect of Basement Venue

Posted on August 11, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — A dangerously overloaded powerstrip providing electricity to every amplifier, light, and smoke machine on stage at a local DIY space is unfortunately the least perilous part of the venue, suddenly-scared-for-their-lives sources confirmed.

“Powerstrips normally have five outlets, but we bought some multi-outlet adapters to get this bad boy to 39,” said show booker Jimmy Jeong. “And since our power got shut off for unpaid bills, our venue is now 100% green. So we just use extension cords to reach our neighbor’s outdoor outlet.”

Besides the powerstrip, show attendees were alarmed by the sheer number of severe building code violations in the 600-square-foot space.

“The venue doesn’t have a bouncer, but there’s a family of possums you have to throw a grape to if you want to enter,” said one-time attendee Marian Ani. “People say the venue is so ‘authentic’ and the bands sound great, but I’m pretty sure that’s the fumes from the gas leak talking.”

Punk Jenny Bergmann claimed the notorious venue has taken on a mythical reputation in the local scene.

“Allegedly, when they dug the bathroom holes, they discovered a colony of mole people inside an abandoned subway tunnel,” said Bergmann. “Probably an urban legend… but if it is true, I’d like to apologize to those mole men, women, and children for eating Taco Bell before the last show.”

Guitarist “Little Jay” Neofytos noted the venue is just as terrible for performers as attendees.

“There’s a string of Christmas lights that can’t be moved because they’re load-bearing,” said Neofytos. “Once, one of the opening bands asked to borrow my guitar, but instead of playing it they used it as a buttress to keep the ‘green room’ from collapsing.”

Indeed, fire marshal Antonio Tadeo shut down the venue this morning, and fined all involved for endangering dozens of lives.

“Besides the random boxes of oily rags and overcrowding, there’s literally no walls in this basement,” said Tadeo. “It’s just a shit ton of cheap spackling spread over dirt. They realize that’s not what real walls are, right?”

At press time, the now-condemned building is being hailed as an “amazing” and “legendary” punk venue by people who were never actually there.

Agent 47 Finds Manhattan Jail Mission Weirdly Easy

Posted on August 10, 2019 by Hard Drive Staff

NEW YORK — During his latest mission to kill and silence noted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein in the Manhattan Correctional Center before he could testify about his powerful backers, notorious hitman Agent 47 was taken aback by just how easy the assassination was.

“My clients made it very clear this needed to look like an accident, which I thought was going to be really hard to pull off considering someone already tried to kill him once,” Agent 47 said, in a rare interview. “There are cameras everywhere and this is an extremely high profile case… but I kinda just walked in and did it. I think a guard even saw me at one point but then he just gave me a wave.”

Speaking via secure telephone line from an undisclosed location, the professional assassin explained the extreme attention to detail the job normally requires, and his surprise that none of it was necessary for this particular contract.

“I spent days studying the layout of the prison and devising various options that would make the target’s death look like suicide, factoring in guard routes, camera placement and potential witnesses,” Agent 47 continued. “I guess that was a total waste. Honestly, I probably could have just lit the guy on fire and they would have said it was a suicide.”

After entering the prison with his extensive toolkit, Agent 47 immediately knew something was not quite right.

“The cell door was unlocked when I got there and the target was unconscious with a coil of rope laid out next to him and $100,000 cash in a manila envelope,” Agent 47 said. “Literally anyone could have done this job.”

Asked what he would do next, Agent 47 said he was heading to Union Square to watch a matinee showing of Hobbs & Shaw now that he had the extra few hours to himself.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Folk Punk Band Announces Break-up Due to End of Rumspringa

Posted on August 10, 2019 by Edgar Towner

PHILADELPHIA — Popular Pennsylvania folk punk act Horse-Drawn Buggery announced their disbandment today, citing the imminent end of Rumspringa and their need to return to Lancaster County for the rest of their lives.

“I know this news will upset our fans,” said singer and washboard player Sarah Fisher. “But we’ve known it was coming since the moment we slapped a Violent Femmes sticker on our buggy and hit the road. We’re thankful to the scene for allowing us to experience life among the English. Unfortunately, that chapter of our lives is over, and the next chapter mostly involves raising sheep and bearing many plain, joyless children.”

While fans reacted to the announcement with shock and dismay, the Pennsylvania Dutch community welcomed the return of their prodigal sons and daughters.

“It is truly a time for celebration,” said an unsmiling Minister Jacob Goodman of First Lancaster Baptist Church. “Rumspringa is an important time in young people’s lives — it’s their only chance to dress immodestly, have a beer or two, and do some serious damage in the pit. As we all know, however, there’s a time when every young adult must stop thrashing skinheads and start threshing grain, so we’re happy to welcome Horse-Drawn Buggery back into the fold.”

In contrast to Minister Goodman’s optimism, many in the greater Pennsylvania folk punk community are mourning the loss of yet another scene fixture to Anabaptism.

“Ah, shit. It happened again,” lamented Felix Ferret, lead fiddler of rogue folk band Beetroot Blitzkrieg. “Seems like we can’t make it two months without a headliner taking the pins off their suspenders and panhandling back to farm country. This spring it was The Ornery Ordnung, and before that it was Susanna Stoltz and the Leviticus Lizards. You can still find them jamming at those food stalls on Highway 30, but it’s weird hearing them play the gutbucket without a bitchin’ guitar riff backing them up. Gotta hand it to ‘em, though: they sell some killer turnips.”

At press time, the members of Horse-Drawn Buggery were wantonly celebrating the last night of Rumspringa by looking into mirrors and operating tractors with wild abandon.

Lonely Man Caressed for the First Time in Years

Posted on August 10, 2019 by Ted Pillow

CLEVELAND — Lonely divorcée Gary Funk was caressed last night for the first time in years by venue security at Wednesday night’s Stone Temple Pilots concert, sources confirmed.

“He was so tender… so passionate. I wish it could have lasted longer, to be honest — I would have put some loose change in my pocket to get some more facetime with him,” Funk said of the security guard who performed the frisking. “I haven’t been held like that since Debbie got custody of the kids. I guess my vision board is finally working!”

The concert represented a rare night out for the 34-year-old, and onlookers described a scene which grew increasingly uncomfortable as an emotional Funk turned a routine security check into a cathartic therapy session.

“He looked pretty depressed, even compared to the other people attending a Wednesday night STP concert,” explained Lauren Esposito, the venue employee who gave Funk a drinking bracelet just before he reached security. “But the biggest red flag was when I checked his I.D. and realized he was going to a show alone on his birthday. Poor guy. I hope he has a dog or a nephew or something. That’s pretty bleak.”

According to sources, the line came to a complete stop as Funk lingered at the checkpoint and awkwardly attempted to reciprocate many of the actions being performed upon him by venue security officer Darren Brown.

“I knew this dude was weird as hell when he started crying after my hand grazed his shoulder,” Brown noted. “He had his eyes closed the whole time and kept whispering to me that it ‘didn’t mean anything’ unless I closed mine, too. How could I not?”

After nearly 10 minutes of cajoling from security and heckling from fellow concert-goers, Funk finally entered the venue.

“If you thought he was an emotional wreck outside, you should’ve seen him once the show started,” concert-goer Nia Clark claimed. “Somebody really should’ve given that guy a heads-up about Scott Weiland.”

At press time, Funk was waiting in line at airport security with a bouquet of flowers tucked into the waistband of his pants.

Epic Games Store Exclusivity to Come With Free Witness Protection for Developers

Posted on August 10, 2019 by John Dixon

CARY, N.C. — Following recent developments with Ooblets and other titles, Epic Games have announced a change to their exclusivity contracts, adding free witness protection for developers of Epic Games Store exclusive games.

”We want to ensure we provide every service to our partners so they can continue to live happy, healthy lives,” said Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney. “Even if they have to be away from everyone and everything they’ve ever loved under assumed identities provided to them following the exclusivity announcement.”

Under the new agreement, Epic Games agents will come to the developers’ homes in the dead of night following the announcement and whisk them away to parts unknown, providing all new identities, housing, and even plastic surgery.

“I mean, I kinda miss my family and friends but I like not getting constant harassment and death threats more,” said a developer formerly known as Bruce Gillick, an early adopter of the program. “Add to that the higher cut of profits for me and it was honestly a no-brainer to sign the exclusivity deal. That being said, I’ve heard the Epic Games Store can be pretty difficult to navigate, so that’s definitely frustrating as well.”

At press time, Epic Games was in the process of developing a deluxe version of the protection program where a developer’s death is faked post-release for an added layer of security.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: I Don’t Know What Happened, It Just Disappeared

Posted on August 10, 2019 by Erin McLaughlin

Hi I tried to click on the Google Document you sent to me over email with the invite for the family picnic and it just disappeared! I don’t know what happened.

This happened the last time you sent me an email with the clip next to it, remember? I clicked on the clip thing and it wouldn’t load the pictures from Kevin’s wedding and now they are gone forever. I want those pictures back but they are lost now. It used to be much simpler when we bought cameras, took them to the store, and waited in line to get them developed to see if they turned out right.

The Google Document you wanted me to look at is lost now and I don’t know what happened. I didn’t click on anything. It just… poof! Disappeared. And it wasn’t my fault because I did not click on anything just like you told me not to.

While I have you here over email can you bring me to Walmart tonight so that I can buy a new nightgown? The one I have now has a mustard stain on it! I don’t know what happened.

Did Jake get a haircut yet? He looks like a hippie. He’s never going to get a nice girlfriend with hair like that. Also can you be a doll and bring me to Kohl’s? The lady on the phone told me that the coupon for cotton underwear I have expired in 2012 but I don’t think that is true.

Animal Signs Deal to Eat Exclusively Zildjian Cymbals

Posted on August 10, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

NORWELL, Mass. — Animal, the eccentric drummer of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, signed a lucrative endorsement deal today agreeing to only eat Zildjian cymbals when performing, “Muppet Show” producers confirmed.

“When you think of the Mount Rushmore of drummers, you think Bonham, Peart, Moon, and of course, Animal. We are so excited to have Animal join the Zildjian team,” said Zildjian CEO Craigie Zildjian at a press conference this morning. “Our cymbals not only have an unmatchable sound, they also have an unmatchable taste that Animal has always preferred over our competition. The Zildjian alloy recipe dates back 14 generations in my family, and Animal is really the first person to appreciate the full use of our product.”

For his part, Animal was equally excited about the opportunity to partner with one of the most recognizable names in the percussion industry.

“AN-I-MAL YEEEEEAAAAAAH! DRUMS FOOD, CYMBALS FOOD! WO-MAN!” said Animal from his private library filled with Russian literary classics. “SMASH! DRUMS! DESTROY! YEEEEEAHHHH HA HA HA HA!”

Many drummers sponsored by Zildjian cited Animal as an early influence, including Questlove, of the Roots.

“There is only one Animal: a lot of drummers have had a wild style, but none of them were covered in hair like Animal, none of them were willing to use their head as a drumstick like Animal, and none of them continued to play their kit while completely engulfed in flames like Animal,” said Questlove. “When I was growing up, I had a couple of chipped teeth from trying to eat my cymbals like him. I always tried to imitate what he was doing because he’s always pushing the limits, but nobody can match his speed and the power of his jaw.”

Animal will be signing cymbals at a charity event this Friday to raise money for his bandmate Dr. Teeth, who was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of mouth cancer linked to carcinogens in the gold records he melted down to create his chompers.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News