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New Video Game Heavily Rumored

THE CITY —  The media is abuzz over escalating rumors of a new software announcement coming from the world of video games, several reports have confirmed. 

“They have to do it, right?” asked video game fan Ron Portman. “I mean, they haven’t released a decent video game since that one that I like a lot, the one that came out when my parents got a divorce. It was so well designed! Oh man, now I’m going to have to go out and buy a new video game system, huh?” 

Gerald Fidges, the president and CEO of Video Games, refused to either confirm or deny the new video game’s rumored release date of “Sometime next year,” continuing instead his long standing tradition of cryptic messages about the future release schedule of his company’s flagship product. He did acknowledge work on a new title, however.

“We have listened to what you said about the last video game,” he said, in a press conference that was streamed online yesterday. “And have carefully considered your feedback. When the time comes, we think you will find that this video game will be the best video game since the last time you really liked a video game.” 

Video games, invented in 1993 by Mario Miyamoto, have had a spotty track record with its users lately, with some titles alienating the fan base, and others alienating the fan base significantly more.

“Unless it’s a sequel to that one game I like, they can suck my dick,” said a grown man with a prominent tattoo of video games. “I will buy the video game, I will play the video game, but that does not mean that I have to like the video game.” 

Despite not having any information about the game’s release date or actual content, Fidges did reveal that there would be several special editions available for pre-order. 

Update: The upcoming video game has been abandoned, restarted, shelved, delayed, and cancelled since this report was initially filed. 

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