We Tried to Interview Henry Rollins but Jeff Fucked Up the Schedule. So Instead Here’s a Transcript of Jeff Being Fired

Posted on by James Knapp

Recently, Henry Rollins, acclaimed actor from the 1994 movie ‘The Chase’, agreed to sit down for an interview with the Hard Times. Unfortunately, our office assistant, Jeff, scheduled the wrong date on our calendar and Mr. Rollins had to cancel at the last minute.

Our staff unanimously agreed that Jeff is a jerk who sucks, and, since we pride ourselves on regularly putting out content, here’s the transcript of the meeting where Jeff got fired.

Hard Times Management: Have a seat Jeff. Actually, don’t. This won’t take long. Do you know why you’re here?

Jeff: Dude, if this is about the Rollins interview I can totally explain. You see when I went to do the schedule…

Management: That’s enough out of you!

Jeff: Whoa. Calm down. I mean, what’s the big deal?

Management: I’ll tell you what the big deal is. We’re all pretty sick of your shit, Jeff. This is the last straw.

Jeff: I think you’re overreacting. Look, it was one mistake. Just give me another shot and I promise nothing like this will ever happen again.

Management: That’s what you said six months ago after the ‘Mark Hoppus incident’.

Jeff: Sure, bring that up again. So I tackled the guy a little bit. He was fine in like four hours!

Management: Then there was the time you downloaded a porn virus onto our server and it replaced all the icons on the site with cartoon dildos.

Jeff: That wasn’t supposed to happen. I had incognito mode on. Look the thing told me to click if I wanted to see the mom from Family Guy take her pants off, what was I supposed to do?!

Management: And if that wasn’t bad enough you told Becky from maintenance that you actually like Nickelback!

Jeff: Now that’s out of context! I was saying I’d like my change back after the soda machine at my coins. I keep my enjoyment of Nickelback out of the workplace just like company policy requires.

Management: Regardless, the decision has already been made. This will be your last day at the Hard Times.

Jeff: Oh no! How am I supposed to pay for HuluPlus now?

Management: I don’t know and I don’t care. You’re done here. There is a farewell party going on in the conference room. We’d all appreciate if you didn’t attend. Now get out.

Sources confirmed that Jeff has since canceled his Hulu subscription.

YouTuber Can’t Use Ramen to Fix Hole in Relationship

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — YouTuber and handyman David Patterson, otherwise known as SuperVGMan64, failed to fix the gaping hole in his relationship with his wife Maria Gibson after attempting to do so with a packet of ramen noodles.

“I was told ramen noodles could fix anything. I was lied to,” Patterson told fans in a viral YouTube video simply titled SORRY. “I have fixed sinks, tables, skateboards, and even PlayStations, each with just a pack of ramen, some super glue, and paint. Relationships, however, can not be fixed this way. In fact, Maria made it explicitly clear that this part of our lives was a major detriment to the relationship and even partially caused the fallout. It’s hard to imagine that the person I love, who I sleep beside in our queen-sized ramen noodle bed every single night, felt so horrible this whole time.”

According to Gibson, however, Patterson should have seen the break up coming from miles away.

“I told him I want to see a couple’s therapist and didn’t say a word. He just walked a way, grabbed a packet of ramen, and started scraping it over my head,” she said in a post on Instagram. “Everything in our house is falling apart. I live in a fucking ramen noodle house. I just want my husband back, but he’s gone! I’ve lost him to the noodles!”

Despite the peculiarity of the story, relationship analyst Dr. Jennifer Hyde says that famous YouTuber couples often fall victim to viral memes.

“YouTubers very often go through rough patches for reasons like this,” Dr. Hyde said in a phone call. “Most cases I hear are relationships deteriorating because the B-list YouTube couple has children and decides to immediately document the lives of their newborns in a new channel like a more embarrassing version of The Truman Show. But I also hear a ton of stories about couples breaking up over ramen noodles, dueling make-up tutorials, one partner teaming up with a friend in Fortnite without telling their significant other, and many more.”

“YouTubers aren’t made for love,” Dr. Hyde explained. “They’re barely human as it is. They’re mites living off the algorithms of the web and they live simply to promote content.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

 

New Tool Album Sounds Exactly the Same Played Backwards

Posted on by Ian Fishman

LOS ANGELES — Fans and critics alike were delighted today by the long-awaited release of Tool’s new album “Fear Inoculum,” which sounds exactly the same when played backwards.

“Ever since I found out about how Tool used the Fibonacci sequence in writing ‘Lateralus,’ I’ll listen to their work forwards, backwards, through a NASA-developed vocoder in an anti-gravity chamber… literally any way I can to find what layers they might’ve added,” said Spin reviewer Erin Lapini. “Sure, it sounds like the same album played backwards — but that’s because it actually is. It gives their music a whole new perspective, because the numbers count down instead of moving forward. Crazy.”

Longtime Tool fan Darin Westcott agreed that the new album is a masterpiece of palindromic music composition.

“It’s genius: it’s the soundtrack to this collective loop of human suffering, like we’re all giving birth to our own mothers, you know?” said Westcott. “Tool is always pushing the envelope in one way or another — whether it’s through edgy lyrics about fisting your friends, or making fans wait years for progressive metal that sounds like a Rush cover band took too much ketamine and threw up all over a Led Zeppelin cover band. It’s everything I wanted it to be.”

For their part, Tool, who needed over a decade to complete the follow-up to “10,000 Days,” admitted that the album took longer than they hoped to complete.

“For most bands it’s difficult to write polyrhythms that are actually listenable, let alone play them backwards, but for us it was a breeze. The challenge was how to make the lyrics work: when your singer wants to end the album with something called ‘7empest,’ it’s gonna take some extra time,” said drummer Danny Carey. “And yeah, sure, it’s impressive to play in 17/9 with a 12/5 overlay at high speed, but it’s not exactly fun to hear. That’s actually why the cover art looks like the front of a middle school algebra book — we spent so much time putting this thing together, we forgot all about the packaging.”

At press time, Tool delayed the album release yet again until all four members are dead.

 

Gamer Upgrades External Graphics Card

Posted on by Sean McGowan

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Marveling at its pixel-perfect resolution and clearly superior image quality, noted gamer Jennifer Lotz reportedly told friends that she had finally upgraded her own external graphics card. 

“This bad boy’s got an impressive -2.25 SPH and -1.75 CYL, coupled with a slim but respectable 10% tint — and that’s just in the right eye,” said Lotz, gazing around in wonder in the LensCrafters parking lot. “I mean, just look how crisply well-defined these trees are. It’s actually rendering crystal-clear details on individual leaves.”

Sources inside the LensCrafters reported that Lotz had spent nearly four hours perusing the different options, grilling the store employees on everything from lens thickness to nose pad durability. 

“This lady walked in and immediately started going on about ‘prism deltas’ and ‘advanced shadowing technology,’” said LensCrafters manager Simone Hahn. “‘What’s the frame rate?’ she asked. I said the glasses cost $70 dollars. She just stared at me blankly.”

Additional sources confirmed that the rest of the LensCrafters staff had repeatedly informed Lotz that all they needed was the prescription her eye doctor gave her, but to no avail. 

“For awhile I was torn between the transparent and tortoiseshell skins, but all the forums said that the real deciding factor should be my personal PD — that’s ‘pupillary distance,’” continued Lotz, smirking. “My old setup wasn’t too shabby, but with this upgrade, I’ll be operating at peak performance.”

At press time, sources from Lotz’s home reported that her new and improved vision revealed that the graphics of the video game she was playing actually kind of sucked. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Plan to Invite 88-Year-Old Neighbor to Party So She Doesn’t Call the Cops Backfires

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TRENTON, N.J. — A group of punks’ plan to invite geriatric next-door neighbor Zofia Gorski to a party so she wouldn’t call the cops backfired last night when the 88-year-old actually showed up, suddenly uncomfortable party hosts confirmed.

“Back in the day, this neighborhood used to be all Polish immigrants. But most of them have either moved away or died off… except Mrs. Gorski, that is,” said roommate Aiysha Nehir. “We knew with the band playing it’d be loud, and we were scared she’d call the cops, so we invited Mrs. Gorski assuming she’d politely decline. She showed up at eight on the dot, with a bowl of some ham salad thing and a bottle of homemade potato vodka.”

Roommate Stephan Clemence initially took it upon himself to entertain Mrs. Gorski for the evening.

“When Mrs. Gorski saw we had a turntable, she told us we needed ‘party music’ — so, she left, and came back with some crappy lounge record by a guy named Martin Denny,” said Clemence. “We politely explained this wasn’t really our sound, and she offered to get some of her ‘race records.’ That’s where I ended the conversation.”

Despite the roommates’ annoyance, most of the party guests greatly enjoyed Mrs. Gorski’s company, calling it a refreshing change of pace from the usual “punk house” party.

“Zofia was cool as hell — she easily outdrank all of us. That vodka she brought over was strong enough to give you alcohol poisoning just from smelling it,” said guest Albert Lukas. “At one point, she interrupted the show in the basement to teach the band a song from ‘the old country’ and lead us all in a Polish folk dance. Certainly better than everyone standing around with their arms folded.”

At press time, Mrs. Gorski was either asleep or dead on the living room couch, while the roommates drew straws to see who will check for signs of her breathing.

Highway to Hell Adopted by David Koch

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Denizens of the underworld are welcoming significant infrastructure improvements over the next few weeks as the newest arrival, billionaire David Koch, adopted the official Highway to Hell, sources suffering for eternity confirmed.

“The first thing I saw when I got here were the hollow-eyed, tortured souls dodging flame-spewing potholes cluttering the road. It certainly wasn’t pretty to look at… and moving so slowly. And I was in the express lane!” said Koch. “Thankfully, when you go to Hell, you can take all of your money with you, so fixing up the road in exchange for not being boiled alive for all of eternity was a no-brainer. And with the addition of the toll booths, we’ll have the funds to maintain the road for at least a millennium.”

Demons of the First Hierarchy, initially eager to tear Koch’s soul to shreds for his selfish betrayal of country and humanity, were pleasantly surprised by his philanthropic offer.

“The Highway to Hell has long been the best means of carting the souls of the damned to their respective circles of torture and unspeakable horror… but in the last few years it’s really been falling apart, what with the uptick in traffic,” said Soneillon, the fourth prince of Thrones. “When David arrived, he immediately offered to pave it all the way from limbo to the frozen hellscape of Treachery.”

Highway to Hell’s sponsorship did not go unnoticed by the Dark Lord himself, Lucifer.

“Oh, man… David. I was so ready to personally tear him limb from limb, reassemble him incorrectly, and tear him apart again for the rest of time. I met him personally at the gate, too, so I could start beating him with a sock full of quarters — I was going to call it the ‘Hand of the Free Market,’” laughed the Prince of Darkness. “But then he got talking, and he started making a lot of sense. Why should I be responsible for infrastructure costs when we have so many billionaires here to take care of it for me? Plus, I can make the souls trapped here for Lust do the cleaning and paving. That’ll keep their minds off of fucking for a while.”

At press time, Lucifer reported that he was going to torture Koch anyway, now that the increased efficiency of the Highway enabled him to build a new circle of Hell just for GOP lobbyists.

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Heartbreaking: Immigrant Bassist Was Lead Guitarist in Home Country

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

Many of the immigrants that come to the United States seeking a better life are woefully overqualified for the low-skilled jobs they’re forced to settle for. That’s the tragic reality for Yazdan Ghasemi, 38, who once thrived as a lead guitarist in his home country of Iran, but has only found grueling work as a bassist since relocating to New Jersey four years ago.

Fucking. Heartbreaking.

“I came to America as a refugee, full of hope about my career,” Ghasemi said, wistfully noodling on a V-neck guitar. “But now my musical training means nothing. I’m just taking it one stupid root note at a time.”

Prestige, solos, self-worth — all a distant memory.

Ghasemi is not alone. We see foreign-born doctors-turned-Uber-drivers, engineers manning deli counters, and renowned journalists who escaped persecution just to write freelance listicles for BuzzFeed. Increasingly, experts are asking the tough question: “But like why, though?”

A recent analysis from the Migration Policy Institute points to language-based discrimination in the music industry. “Most lead-singer hiring managers require strong English for higher-skilled roles,” the authors said. “However, statistics show that 85% of lead guitarists in the U.S. can only communicate at a fifth-grade level, so what we’re likely seeing is a bias against immigrants. Plus, bands typically prefer bassists who won’t talk much.”

As for Ghasemi, he’s certain his green card precludes his dream of gainful, lick-shredding employment. He’s desperately praying for a citizenship marriage so he can have a better shot at scoring a gig like he once had. Unfortunately, finding a partner is another massive struggle; as Ghasemi puts it, “Nobody wants to date a fucking bass player.”

Local Gamer Pretty Sure ‘Hard Drive’ Staff Following Him Around and Recording His Life

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ALBANY, N.Y. — After reading a handful of articles from video game website Hard Drive, local gamer and avid internet user Peter Bauer told friends that he is “in this photo” and, according to those familiar with the situation, “does not like it.”

“I’m legitimately starting to freak out that their writers are actually following me around and writing about my real life,” said the increasingly paranoid Bauer, despite the fact that there’s no way Hard Drive would ever do such a thing; they don’t even live in upstate New York. “Sometimes I do some very specific things that show up in articles the very same day. How is that a coincidence?!”

“OK here’s an example. Just the other day they published an article titled ‘Heartbreaking: Man Too Good at Fighting Game to Enjoy Playing Against Friends But Not Good Enough to Play Competitively,’” Bauer continued, pacing around his living room. “How can that be anyone but me? Who else in the world could that possibly be about?!”

Despite Bauer’s insistence that Hard Drive is writing about his life specifically, staff at the website have denied all such claims.

“Yeah it’s totally absurd to think that we’re just sitting around stealing stories from some random guy named — what did you say it was, Peter something? Peter Bauer?” said Hard Drive Editor in Chief Jeremy Kaplowitz, chuckling, despite no one ever mentioning Peter’s name in the conversation before he did. “The fact of the matter is that our articles are very relatable to a lot of people. We’re not reporting on one specific person, we’re reporting on all gamers around the world. Besides, this Peter guy’s windows are such that it is very hard to peer into them, so it’s just total nonsense to suggest we’re literally using his life.”

As of press time, oh boy, Peter’s gonna flip when he sees this one.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Trump Prefers America’s Older Stuff

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Donald Trump reportedly spent Wednesday morning roaming Mar-a-Lago Resort pining for the days when America consistently put out work that, in his opinion, was “truly great,” according to aides.

“America — and by that I mean North America, as in the United States… not, like, Mexico, or Vietnam — completely peaked in 1787,” said Trump while enjoying a Big Gulp. “We were deep into some really creative wars with Native Americans back then, but, most importantly — and, believe me folks, I know importance — we cranked out our all-time classic, the Three-Fifths Compromise. If I were there making that deal, I’d probably have made it one-fifth; two-fifths tops. But, hey, still a great deal for plantation owners.”

Trump admitted he worries that, no matter how hard he or his supporters work to make it so,
America may never top it’s classic, early moments — like the Trail of Tears, legalized slavery, or legislating as a foundation of government that African-Americans shouldn’t be considered full citizens or humans.

“Every third or fourth day I head into the office — which is a huge office, by the way, maybe the biggest ever — and say things like, ‘Hey, what if we bring back segregated water fountains?’ Or, ‘What if Hispanic people had to pass a reading test to vote, but not white people — or at least me, specifically, since I’m already a great reader, very dyslexic,’” said the commander in chief. “But even when I do manage to throw several thousand immigrants into concentration camps — which aren’t even really concentration camps, and I would know, I can concentrate for days — nobody lets me march them anywhere, or force them into backbreaking labor. I worry we’ll never recapture the subtle dehumanization of America’s golden era.”

But not all America fans agree with Trump’s assertion the country could recapture its former glory by putting “all rappers in Massachusetts and nuking it.”

“Virtually every single thing about America is better now than it was even 50 years ago: minority and gay rights, technology, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Freaking everything,” said fellow America fan Deborah Gayman. “Although, I’ll admit… it was pretty cool when we conquered the South during the Civil War.”

At press time, Trump was relaxing in the resort lobby watching the “Fox & Friends” hosts fondly reminisce about all of America’s objectively worst moments.

Hard Times Book Beats the Fuck out of Dean Koontz Novel on Bookshelf

Posted on by John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — A copy of Dean Koontz’s “The Good Guy” was found beaten and battered on a local bookshelf yesterday, while a copy of “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” lay unscathed next to it, panicked sources confirmed.

“I just can’t explain it — most of ‘The Good Guy’s’ pages are ripped out. There are metal stud imprints on the front cover, and it reeks of malt liquor,” said book owner and avid reader Sandra Fairchild. “You can almost make out something scratched onto the back cover… ACAB? Is this supposed to be about Ahab from Moby Dick? Oh, Lord, this is so strange.”

The copy of “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” offered a barely believable account of what happened.

“It was all in self-defense, obviously. That fucker came at me first and got what was coming to him,” argued “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years,” which will be released worldwide on October 29, 2019. “As soon as he told me I should go join the ‘Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader’ next to the toilet, I smashed a bottle of Old ‘E’ over his spine. Fuck right outta here with that Stephen King wannabe bullshit. Hell, Tom Clancy is more punk than Koontz.”

“There is nothing more disgusting than recycling the same formula repeatedly for a paycheck,” declared The Hard Times Book. “What a joke. The people who wrote me wouldn’t be caught dead doing something like that.”

Despite resting in critical condition on top of a Goodwill donation box, the copy of Koontz’s “The Good Guy” offered a terse statement.

“Ugh, I know exactly what I am, and I’m sick of being persecuted for it,” gasped the 2007 thriller between pained breaths and coughs. “I know I’m not going to inspire some kid to major in creative writing, but I will always be there for moms on the nights they don’t get blackout drunk on wine and need to wind down. If you don’t think I’m coming for your mom, you are wrong.”

At press time, “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” was pressuring multiple self-help books to try cocaine for the first time.

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