Shovel Knight to Officiate Indie Developer’s Wedding

Posted on by Marcus Stewart

ABERDEEN, Wash. — After becoming famous for his numerous guest appearances in a wide variety of other video games, popular indie game mascot Shovel Knight will reportedly make his first cameo outside the virtual realm this weekend, by marrying an independent game developer in a real-life wedding.

Derek Gutierrez, Executive Producer at small gaming outfit Bro-kage Studios, is set to marry next month in Hawaii. 

“Being an indie dev, there isn’t a single figure outside of my partner who has meant more to my adult life and career than Shovel Knight,” Gutierrez explained. “Plus, a lot of people don’t realize there’s a very heated arms race within the indie community to see who can pull off the best Shovel Knight cameo. To all of my peers: check-fucking-mate”  

Shovel Knight developer Yacht Club Games says the stunt marks the beginning of a larger initiative to expand the character’s appearances beyond the realm of video games. 

“We’ve proven that any game becomes markedly better when Shovel Knight’s involved,” said Yacht Club founder Sean Velasco. “So we figured the same would prove true in real life. That’s why we’re lending him out to anyone that wants or needs him. He’ll host any event, from birthdays to baptisms. Need an unforgettable prom date? We got you. How about a midwife with a medieval flair? The sky really is the limit with Shovel Knight.”

To that end, Yacht Club is reportedly in talks with Marvel Studios to have Shovel Knight cameo in future films in place of the late Stan Lee.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

New Plant-Based “Impossible Veal” Bleeds, Cries Out for Mother During Slaughter

Posted on by Joe Cruz

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Impossible Foods Inc., the creator of the meatless Impossible Burger, announced today the development of “Impossible Veal,” the next product in their lineup of bleeding, plant-based meat substitutes.

“We’ve been blown away by the response to the Impossible Burger,” said Derrick Arbuckle, Vice President of Marketing at Impossible Foods. “In particular, we’ve received a lot of positive feedback about how the Impossible Burger bleeds just like real cow meat… actually, that’s the only feedback we’ve received. Turns out, people seem to really love biting into what was once a living animal and feeling the remnants of its life force dribbling down their chin. Of course, we’re thrilled with the response, but we know we have to keep pushing ourselves to make the dream of a meatless future a reality.”

“Impossible Veal is the next step in showing our scientists can mimic cruelty with plant-based ingredients,” he added.

According to Arbuckle, the company has spent multiple years developing Impossible Veal, often discarding months of work to start over from scratch.

“The taste wasn’t the problem,” said senior food engineer Kimber Pazda. “But no matter how much we tweaked the flavor or made it bleed, it just wasn’t right. Finally, we had an epiphany: it has to suffer — really suffer. Like, ‘Saw III’ suffer. As soon as we engineered a plant protein that could scream, shake, and cry out for its mother as it’s brutally slaughtered, our taste testers could no longer differentiate our veal from the real thing.”

As part of its plan for the meat substitute, Impossible Foods will focus heavily on marketing towards people who refuse to eat vegetables because they did not come from a living animal that died suddenly and tragically at the hands of bone-crushing machines.

“Normally, I don’t go in for that vegan, gluten-free stuff,” growled local diner Jarrett Welser, as he attempted to shove an entire 22 oz. steak into his mouth all at once. “Vegetables have no taste. There’s just something about food that once had a brain and a heart and yearned for the comforting embrace of its mother that really gives it that extra flavor. If you’re saying Impossible Veal has got that, then, yeah… maybe I’ll give it a try.”

Although unwilling to discuss their product road map publicly, Impossible Foods is rumored to be experimenting with a plant-based substitute of the most delicious animal of all: man.

Bucket Hats Are Making A Comeback Because I Just Found My Old One And Really Want To Wear It

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey, remember bucket hats? What a ‘90s nostalgia trip, am I right?! We used to call them fisherman hats because old men used to wear them fishing. HA! No, but seriously I think they are starting to come back into fashion and not just because I found mine when I was cleaning out my closet.

No, I mean that’s not the ONLY reason. I also saw an article about how they’re making a comeback. Well, actually the article was about how overalls are making a comeback. But if overalls are back then, by the transitive property of ironic ‘90s fashion, so are bucket hats! And when this article comes out I can just site this one when I inevitably have to defend this fashion choice in public.

I might not be a #INFLUENCER on the ‘stagram, but I do know that this looks very, very cool.

Everyone knows fashion is cyclical. Trends that were once considered foolish come back into style 10 years later. Everyone knows that. If bucket hats aren’t cool then tell me why the Starbucks barista wrote my name as Jamiroquai on my coffee?

Just because I am almost forty doesn’t mean I can’t still look good. Everyone acts like I have to buy all my clothes from Costco now and the only hats I’m allowed to wear are college team baseball caps. To that I say, nay! Atop my head will rest only the flimsiest of fabrics.

Man, I wish I never donated my JNCOs to Goodwill after college.

We Ranked Anime’s Top 10 Static Shots of Power Lines With Cicada Noises

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

There’s hundreds — if not thousands — of anime that include static shots of power lines with cicada noises. We combed through every single one and ranked just the top ten.

10. One Punch Man

That classic beautiful low angle shot of power lines on a hot summer day. The cluttered crisscross of the lines juxtaposed by the openness of the sky makes this one of the best power line shots ever.

9. Whisper of the Heart

Yoshifumi Kondô’s only feature-length film has one of the best power line shots ever. The nice haze of the sun really sets the mood.

8. Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

Looming, atmospheric, daunting. A spec of lens flair really puts us in the head of the main character.

7. Nekomonogatari: Shiro

Sparse and backlit. These power lines are a mystery, never actually revealing themselves to us, making us ask more questions when we will ever get answers. 

6. My Roommate is a Cat

This pick will be controversial for sure, but look at how the power-lines draw the eye down the street, leading us on an adventure — telling us that something important is just around that corner. 

5. Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun

These power-lines, on this beautiful morning, are almost flirting with us.

4. The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

Clean, straight, blocky — this shot puts everything in order. All is as it should be. Or is it?

3. Neon Genesis Evangelion

It is a classic shot and what most other power line shots are inspired by and aspire to be. It is almost a god in this shot — inescapable and omnipresent.

2. FLCL

What better metaphor for your teenage years could you ask for than this shot? If you’ve never seen the show, you don’t have to. This explains everything.

1. Serial Experiments Lain

Any anime fan who clicked this link already knew this was going to be number one: the power line shot to end all power line shots. When they say “Every frame is a painting,” they are talking about this shot. Out-of-focus lines in the foreground as if we are wrapped up in them, apart from them, being consumed by them. Yet they lead us to the tower in the background foreshadowing the inevitability of death. Also there are cicada noises.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Jimmy Buffett Merch Guy Sorry, But Only Smalls and Mediums Left

Posted on by John Danek

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — A merch cashier at Little Rock’s Verizon Arena apologized profusely last night to a gaggle of irate Parrotheads for running out of everything except small and medium T-shirts during a Jimmy Buffett concert, angry witnesses reported.

“This is bullshit! I knew I should’ve bought a shirt before the show started, but then I would’ve had to hold it the whole time,” lamented 54-year-old Gary Lachman, double-fisting cheeseburgers while drinking from his frozen margarita-filled Camelbak. “I don’t even know why they even make them in sizes that small. Maybe people use them for rags when they spill their piña coladas? I don’t fucking know.”

Dirk Sickles, the aggrieved cashier who has worked at the Verizon Arena for six years, had never seen a crowd react with such vitriol.

“The crazy thing is, Buffett fans are so unfashionable that even short and skinny fans were buying XLs and larger,” recounted an exasperated Sickles. “But everyone was acting like I personally decide the quantities for Jimmy Buffett’s merch supplies. I get their rage, though — you’d think at this point that ol’ Bubba would know to stock more plus-size merch.”

A supply chain logistics expert attempted to explain the merch phenomena.

“Concerts by virtually any other artist sell out of mediums almost instantly, followed by smalls,” explained Rebecca Contini, supply chain consultant for Accenture. “One research study, however, theorized that Jimmy Buffett’s music subliminally force-feeds fans cheeseburgers and margaritas, so people tend to size up when purchasing merch.”

“And anyone who pre-games at a Margaritaville beforehand is going to feel so bloated they can’t imagine fitting into any size without at least one ‘X’ in it. Have you seen the portions there?” added Contini.

Jimmy Buffett, eventually reached for comment, said, “I appreciate my fans’ enthusiasm for my Volcano Nachos, Landshark Lager, Bed Bath & Beyond homewares products, and I guess music,” Buffett said. “With their support, I will someday realize my dream of running The Cheesecake Factory and Tommy Bahama out of business.”

Stranded Straight Edge Band Burns Drink Tickets for Warmth

Posted on by Ryan Lichten

KALISPELL, Mont. — Prominent straight-edge hardcore band The Only Way Out burned their unused drink tickets last night in a desperate attempt to stay warm while stranded in Montana’s Glacier National Park, frightened sources confirmed.

“I knew these things would come in handy,” said lead singer Kyle Harney. “We’ve been storing them up since we played New York — of course, they gave a five-person band three drink tickets. It’s not much, but it beats burning our copies of ‘Sober Living for the Revolution’ to stay warm.”

The band found themselves stranded after a series of wrong turns that took place during a multi-member argument over whether or not Fugazi was a hardcore band or “more like an early emo kind of thing.”

“We knew things were bad when we ran out of gas and realized we were in the middle of the fucking woods,” said lead guitarist Sammy “Big Sam” Rivera. “We made a small caravan circle with our van, trailer, and our tourmates’, The Powerbomb Bros, van. We aren’t sure why they followed us when we were getting so obviously lost, but the company is nice. They aren’t straight edge and had no drink tickets to burn, so we bartered some of ours for a half-eaten tube of Pringles. Rations are running dangerously low.”

As the night went on, the band, gathered around a small, dwindling fire made up of their last 10 drink tickets, allegedly charted which members had been vegan the longest, so as to decide who would be the “most vegan” member to eat once van snack supplies were depleted.

“I stumbled upon the camp site after I caught a glimpse of a very small fire through the trees… I identified myself as a Park Ranger, but they just started chanting ‘ACAB’ at me. I don’t even know what that means, but I didn’t smell any marijuana or anything, so I just continued my patrol,” said veteren Ranger Dean Miller. “I’ll come check on them in the morning, though — it’d be awful to have some Donner party type scenario go down. You’d be surprised how quickly people start considering eating their buddies.”

At day break, only two, very full members of The Only Way Out were seen pushing their van out of the campsite.

Twitch Releases Mad-Libs Style Stock Apology for Popular Streamers

Posted on by M.J. Amory

SAN FRANCISCO —  With aspirations to enter the mainstream and gain more lucrative advertisers, Twitch sent out a “fill in the blank” apology form to its top streamers in an effort to head off inevitable future controversies. This form was subsequently leaked to us and we are publishing it in full. 

TWITCH APOLOGY FORM

Dear [fandom], I am so sorry for saying the [first letter of slur only ***VERY IMPORTANT: IF UNSURE WHAT TO WRITE CONTACT TWITCH SUPPORT IMMEDIATELY***]-word during my stream on [date when incident occurred]. As you all know, what I said is not a reflection of who I am. I am [strong adjective] sorry I have hurt so many people. As you may or may not know, I have many [minority group disparaged] friends, value their culture. I also have a [relative (if none just make one up)] who is [minority group disparaged] so this issue is near and dear to my heart. 

[CIRCLE ALL THAT APPLY: Bigotry, Antisemitism, Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, Transphobia] are never OK and I apologize [adverb] for perpetuating those disgusting notions. This is only the first step in my road to being a better person, but today I am announcing I will be making a donation to [major sponsor’s favorite charity] and meeting with [most famous organization associated with disparaged minority group] to better understand where this prejudice inside me came from. 

I understand that having a large platform [****DON’T INCLUDE THIS NEXT PART, JUST INTERNALIZE IT****] means I, a digital feral child with bigotry tourettes, have unconscionable influence over a billion dollar corporation due to its income being entirely dependent on advertising revenue from reputable companies. Therefore, I need to be a good boy if I want to keep making money because my audience has molded my brain in such a way that I am in a state of permanent adolescence and thus cannot function outside of the internet. [CONTINUE HERE:] means I have a responsibility to all the kids who watch my streams and the wonderful companies that sponsor them. I promise that from now on, my channel will be a place that is welcoming to all, especially advertisers.

Much love,
[whatever your dumb-ass name is]

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Wondering if Long Hair Enough for Diversity Scholarship

Posted on by Zach Raffio

MILWAUKEE — Local high school senior Alex Leyden submitted his application this week for University of Wisconsin-Madison’s diversity scholarship on the basis that his hair is “pretty long,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“My hair’s definitely long for a guy,” noted Leyden. “Usually guys have shorter hair. Not all guys, of course, but usually. So I’d say the fact that my hair goes down past my shoulders sets me apart. I should be given the opportunity to represent my community.”

In the application, Leyden also mentioned that he wears reading glasses and is allergic to shellfish — attributes he sees as “pillars of this great country’s melting pot,” but still left the UWM admissions office feeling skeptical at best.

“This is the most basic man I’ve ever encountered,” claimed UWM Head of Admissions Beatrice Walker. “We have students applying from all over the globe, all different levels of economic and social background… and this dumbass has the nerve to claim that ‘getting two or three bad colds a year’ makes him stand out? I don’t know whether to burn the app or frame it.”

Despite backlash from the university, Leyden has found a supportive base in other unremarkable men who share his “struggle.”

“You can’t deny his hair is long,” said Andrew Simon, a 17-year-old rejected from Duke’s diversity scholarship on the basis that his cavity-free dental record is not cause for financial assistance. “I just wish the school would answer my emails asking for a debate. Do you want to debate? Come on, debate me.”

However, not all close to Leyden were in his corner.

“I wrote his college recommendation as a favor,” noted Leyden’s high school English teacher Carlos Simpson. “I refused the request, however, to mention his ‘pretty good handwriting’ and the fact that he still watches ‘Modern Family’ as reasons to admit him, let alone give him a scholarship. God, this kid sucks and he’s probably somehow gonna end up being my boss someday.”

At press time, Leyden was reading TV Guide and enjoying his “culinary delicacy” of undercooked elbow noodles with ketchup and pepper, accompanied by a glass of tap water.

Want to Feel Old? You Just Said Something Racist Without Even Realizing It

Posted on by Seth Macy

There’s nothing you can do to stop the ravages of time, but if you really want to feel old, you should definitely think about how you just referred to the deal you got on a new bed as “Jewing down” the associate at Mattress Center.

It seems like the 1990s were only yesterday, doesn’t it? It was a simpler time, back we all had crushes on Topanga, couldn’t stop checking our Tomogachis, and didn’t stop to think of the racially-charged origins of what is now considered flagrantly offensive.

Hard to believe it, but it’s true!

Remember when it seemed like the only things we had to worry about were someone picking up the phone while we were using AOL, or having your friends check your screen during GoldenEye matches on N64? Definitely feels a lot different than retiring a worn-out and extremely offensive phrase from a bygone era.

Kids today will never know the struggle of not immediately using a phrase associated with a thousand years of European anti-Semitism, watering down an entire ethnic identity to a pervasive and negative stereotype to describe how they got a great deal on a mattress and box spring.

Times have changed! You’re going to feel really old when you see how much society has moved on from other hateful things, like using the word ‘gay’ as a pejorative. Want to really feel like a dinosaur? Kids today don’t use the word ‘tranny,’ even when describing an automobile’s transmission.

Be careful out there, gramps! With increased age comes an increased risk of shattering your hip after sticking your foot in your mouth and not realizing that turn of phrase you just uttered is now considered horribly offensive. Better stock up on Metamucil to help redirect the shit from your mouth to where it belongs.

Proud Son Hangs Dad’s Meme on Fridge

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

ALTOONA, Penn. — Jake Fitzgerald Jr. reportedly hung a printout of his father’s latest meme on the fridge this afternoon as a token of pride in the 59-year-old’s vastly improved efforts.

“This big guy has certainly earned it,” said Fitzgerald, playfully disorienting his father’s hair as the latter searched ‘good meme ideas’ on Lycos. “I still remember the day he nervously approached me with his first meme: it was just a picture of Bad Luck Brian with the word ‘Obama’ on it. The text was plain black, so you could barely read it, and he aligned it center right for some reason.”

“Boy was that a fucking monstrosity, but Champ here has come a long way.”  

Fitzgerald recounted some difficulties he faced over the last few years while guiding his father in the art of acceptable meme making.

“He grew out of the unironic Comic Sans phase pretty quickly,” he said. “The worst, though, was that six-month stretch where he refused to caption anything but the word ‘libtard’ — I’ve read that a lot of boomers struggle through that developmental period. You can’t be overbearing, though. If you micromanage what they create, they’ll just end up mimicking what their son likes on Imgur and not what makes them happy.”

Fitzgerald Sr. appeared highly encouraged by his son’s public display of approval, eyeing more substantial goals for his next meme.

“Look out millennials! There’s no stopping old Bill Fitzgerald now,” he said from the chair in his home office. “Using basic common sense — which isn’t so common anymore — and my generation’s roll-up-your-sleeves attitude, we’ll be pumping out quality memes in no time. Then, we will reclaim the World Wide Web for who it rightly belongs: the middle-class conserative suburbanites who go to church on Christmas and Easter. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some research to conduct.”

As of press time, sources say the elder Fitzgerald was waiting patiently to ask his son whether he used the term ‘shitposting’ in the correct context.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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