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Trump Prefers America’s Older Stuff

PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Donald Trump reportedly spent Wednesday morning roaming Mar-a-Lago Resort pining for the days when America consistently put out work that, in his opinion, was “truly great,” according to aides.

“America — and by that I mean North America, as in the United States… not, like, Mexico, or Vietnam — completely peaked in 1787,” said Trump while enjoying a Big Gulp. “We were deep into some really creative wars with Native Americans back then, but, most importantly — and, believe me folks, I know importance — we cranked out our all-time classic, the Three-Fifths Compromise. If I were there making that deal, I’d probably have made it one-fifth; two-fifths tops. But, hey, still a great deal for plantation owners.”

Trump admitted he worries that, no matter how hard he or his supporters work to make it so,
America may never top it’s classic, early moments — like the Trail of Tears, legalized slavery, or legislating as a foundation of government that African-Americans shouldn’t be considered full citizens or humans.

“Every third or fourth day I head into the office — which is a huge office, by the way, maybe the biggest ever — and say things like, ‘Hey, what if we bring back segregated water fountains?’ Or, ‘What if Hispanic people had to pass a reading test to vote, but not white people — or at least me, specifically, since I’m already a great reader, very dyslexic,’” said the commander in chief. “But even when I do manage to throw several thousand immigrants into concentration camps — which aren’t even really concentration camps, and I would know, I can concentrate for days — nobody lets me march them anywhere, or force them into backbreaking labor. I worry we’ll never recapture the subtle dehumanization of America’s golden era.”

But not all America fans agree with Trump’s assertion the country could recapture its former glory by putting “all rappers in Massachusetts and nuking it.”

“Virtually every single thing about America is better now than it was even 50 years ago: minority and gay rights, technology, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Freaking everything,” said fellow America fan Deborah Gayman. “Although, I’ll admit… it was pretty cool when we conquered the South during the Civil War.”

At press time, Trump was relaxing in the resort lobby watching the “Fox & Friends” hosts fondly reminisce about all of America’s objectively worst moments.