Gaming Addiction Study Participant Pretty Sure He Got Placebo Game

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Several weeks into a Stanford University study measuring the addictive nature of video games, participant Aidan Whaller told sources he was “pretty sure” he had been placed in the placebo group after receiving a blank game he was instructed to play for one hour every day.

“I can’t be 100% certain I’m part of the control group, but at the moment, I don’t feel addicted to this game at all,” stated Whaller, explaining that the game, which centers around staring at a white screen and occasionally being instructed to press buttons that do nothing, was having no discernible impact on him. “I’m pretty sure this is a placebo, but I guess some games are pretty avant-garde these days. It’s hard to know for certain. It’s probably a 7 out of 10.”

In double-blind controlled studies such as this, neither test subjects nor researchers know who received the inactive and active video games, to prevent any perceived placebo effects from contaminating the results.

“We keep that knowledge secret, in case the data suggests that a statistically significant portion of candidates develop addictions to the placebo games anyway,” said lead researcher Dr. Lawrence Palatche, who added that by the trial’s end they expected at least some percentage of participants to exhibit typical symptoms of video game addiction such as sore eyes, carpal tunnel, irritability, or vomiting. 

“If that were the case,” he continued, “we could conclude that the subject had developed psychological dependence merely on arbitrary blinking lights and moving their thumbs around, which could merit further research into whether that counts as a video game.”

Sources report the study was cut short after several members of the experimental group had apparently died of an overdose of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Conservationists Open Reservation for Endangered Medium Tees

SALIDA, Colo. — Grassroots activist organization Punks for Sustainable Merch announced yesterday the opening of a nature refuge to prevent the extinction of medium-sized band shirts, conservation outlets report.

“The abuse has gone on long enough,” said PSM director Lifan Long to those gathered by the front gates on opening day. “There was a time when the medium’s natural habitats — shady downtown venues without fire exits — were bursting with slightly damp, suspiciously chemical-fragrant mediums, just as nature intended. But over the last decade, the number of mediums in the wild has plummeted. That’s why we founded the Rocky Mountain Apparel Sanctuary: we wanted a place for these shirts to hang freely without being immediately snatched up by people trying to flip them on eBay. It’s truly inspiring.”

“We’ve all been told, ‘Sorry, we’re out of mediums,’” Long added. “Well, I’m sorry, America, but we’re out of TIME.”

PSM’s announcement was greeted with praise by merchandise activists, many of whom have protested medium-tee extinction for years.

“I always thought I was powerless to stop it,” said veteran merch guy Cameron Kok. “With each passing year I’d have fewer and fewer mediums crammed into the milk crate I sit on while manning the merch table. It broke my heart. Personally, I blame poaching — most people don’t know this, but there’s a bustling black market of collectors and resellers who have been snatching mediums out of the wild for years. The bastards. Thanks to PSM, however, there’s finally hope.”

While the Rocky Mountain Apparel Sanctuary represents hope to many observers, those further up the production pipeline remain ambivalent to the fate of the endangered attire.

“They’re just shirts,” said Xia Xinyue, who operates a garment factory in Taipei. “Who cares? They were put on this earth to be worn, and anyone crying over ‘conservation’ is wasting their time. If people want mediums, they can just order more of them. Upping production would require us to keep the shirts in even more cramped conditions, but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it — medium shirts could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t matter to me. We make plenty of other sizes, and our larges shrink in the wash anyway.”

At press time, operations at the Rocky Mountain Apparel Sanctuary hit a roadblock as PSM’s researchers puzzled over how to start a T-shirt breeding program.

“Beard Guy” Transitions Back into “No Personality Guy” After Shaving

SAN DIEGO — Self-proclaimed “beard guy” Reggie Eustace transitioned back into “no personality guy” yesterday after shaving off his beard, leaving him with no discernible attributes whatsoever, friends and family confirmed.

“I never noticed it before, but the beard was pretty much all Reggie had. Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty glorious: like a wild equine’s mane. But in hindsight, he only ever talked about beard oils and beard competitions, and he was always pulling out his tiny little mustache comb,” said Eustace’s friend Ross Drummond. “And now, clean-shaven Reggie seemingly has nothing… like a blank slate. The other day he was at my place, and he was completely puzzled by my container of beard balm. It was like watching a chimp try to work an iPhone.”

Barber Jeff Hopkins claimed he noticed an immediate change in Eustace after shaving the beard.

“When I asked why he was shaving, I assumed the reason would be something badass, like people kept yanking on it in bar fights, or that he’s worried it might get caught in a wood chipper. But he just got some Big League Chew in it,” said Hopkins. “I’ve unfortunately seen many guys like this who put all their personality eggs in one beardo basket. Reggie was super chatty and charismatic when he came in, but after the shave, he was like a default ‘make your own character’ guy from a video game.”

Eustace’s girlfriend Sarah Farran admitted she encouraged him to shave, but instantly regretted it upon seeing his “hairless cherub face.”

“I told him I wasn’t superficial and I didn’t care about looks, and I really meant that when I said it. But now when I see him, I think, ‘Who is this baby-faced, chinless doofus skulking around my apartment,’” said Farran. “I mean, you saw him before he shaved: rugged, handsome, the kind of guy you trust to grill your steak just right. Reggie with the beard was a virile leader of men. Reggie without the beard is a sniveling, totally unfuckable shell.”

While waiting for the beard to grow back, Eustace is trying a number of different personalities in the meantime, including brewing his own craft beer, true crime documentaries, and DJing.

Local Barcade Owner Still Fiddling With Bar/Cade Ratio

BOSTON — Local barcade owner Giovanni Costi has been relentlessly attempting to achieve a perfect ratio between bar and cade at his local third-floor mall establishment, The Black Cat.

“It’s a hassle to try and please the bar regulars and these gamer dudes at the same time,” said Costi. “The local dads are just trying to escape their wives’ shopping sprees and always complain about the damn beeping sounds, and the nerds can’t handle more than one Coors Light. Every day I regret selling my billiards bar for this shit.” 

Local gamers have been less than thrilled with the reportedly unbalanced bar/cade elements, and claim that Costi is inconsiderate for not taking their needs into consideration.

“I decided to leave Dave & Busters because I felt weird competing with middle schoolers to win the last finger trap,” said gamer Wesley Holden. “But divorced dads screaming about how the Red Sox lost again is somehow worse. Plus, it’s ignorant that the owner thinks that seven Street Fighter games is enough for an arcade.”

Bar patrons don’t recognize Costi’s efforts, and some are considering taking their excessive alcohol consumption to another establishment.

“I’m tired of the weird locally brewed IPA drinks and ‘Mario Super Sunshine Wraps’ or whatever. I just want a Bud Light and a regular burger,” said frequent drinker Martin Caprese. “I wanted to give this place a shot because Giovanni’s a cool guy and all that, but it always smells like ball sweat. I heard he’s adding stand-up comedy open-mic nights, too — that’s where I draw the fucking line.”

Local interior designer Lena Dewey claims to have previously warned Costi about his bar/cade ratio during the renovations.

“He insisted that we put in five air hockey tables and then said he was only gonna serve two beers on tap,” said Dewey. “It’s like the guy didn’t plan this at all. I won’t feel bad for him when the place turns into a Starbucks in a few months.”

At press time, Costi had just announced plans to remove one Ms. Pac-Man game and add fried pickles to the menu in hopes of surpassing his 3.5 star Yelp rating.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Joe Shlabotnik.

You Have No Right to Judge Me for “Forcing” My Kid to Be Vegetarian Even Though I’m “Not” Vegetarian and for Me It’s Just a “Power Thing”

Who the fuck do you think you are trying to tell me how to raise my child? First of all, yes, I do have every right in the world to “force” my beliefs on my son. Secondly, being vegetarian isn’t my friggin’ belief, Jack! I just make my kid do it to fuck with him.

If I want to raise my children to be vegetarian that’s my decision and my right. Whether or not my motive for doing so is because it makes me feel like a real somebody to control what another human being eats is none of your concern.

It is my motive though. Because when I sit in front of that kid eating my nightly turkey leg chanting “he who eats the flesh has the power” while he pitifully pokes at his kale, I feel like a God damned king.

Don’t try to give me an earful of your “kids need protein to develop properly” nonsense. I know they do. Limiting my son’s protein intake is my way of ensuring he will never grow strong enough to usurp me as the man of the house.

Consider the negative environmental impact that meat consumption has on the world. If things keep going this way resources may soon become scarce. If that happens, my son and I may have to fight for necessities like food and water and that’s a fight I plan to win. I know exactly how I would fight my weak, grass-fed son.

Sure, if my son wants to eat meat when he turns 18 and moves out on his own that’s his decision. By that time it won’t matter if he becomes big and strong, as I will have psychologically conditioned him to fear me. Sometimes I just scream right in his face for as long as I can. Anytime he gets into a superhero, like Batman, I have a fake comic book printed up where I murder them and I leave it lying around for him to find.

So before you try to tell me that what I’m doing is “irresponsible” or “cruel,” just remember- I need this. I take a lot of shit at work and my wife doesn’t let me pee standing up anymore.

Molly Connolly Reveals Max Bemis Mostly Just Prematurely Ejaculated and Cried

LOS ANGELES – Molly Connolly, the subject of mid-00s emo band Say Anything’s fan favorite song “Every Man Has a Molly,” revealed in a press conference today that details of the song were heavily embellished to hide singer Max Bemis’s less-than-flattering sexual abilities.

“I thought the song’s popularity finally waned a few years ago, but when all these emo dance nights caught on, people started loving it again,” explained Connolly, who now works as a clerk in California’s 2nd District Court of Appeals. “So it’s time for the truth come out: Max Bemis and I never had ‘rough sex.’ We had the most plain, sugar-free, vanilla sex you can possibly imagine. And it lasted 90 seconds, if we’re being generous.”

“Oh, and after, he banged his knee on my bed frame,” she added. “I’m pretty sure that’s where the ‘rough’ part came from. Yet somehow, it’s still not the most misogynistic song on that album. ‘Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too?’ I only wish I dumped him sooner.”

Longtime fans of Say Anything were dismayed by the troubling allegations.

“Max Bemis was my hero; he taught me that it’s totally OK to publicly shame someone if they don’t behave the way you want in a relationship,” said Sean Bellman, moderator of the popular /r/redpill subreddit. “Sure, he later backpedaled and said that Molly Connolly isn’t a real person… but that doesn’t matter, because everyone assumed it was true in 2004 when, as teenagers, we formed attitudes of how to treat women for the rest of our lives.”

Bemis’s team offered the following response:

“My client wishes that this very public and humiliating slander against his good name and sexual stamina cease immediately,” said publicist Sonia Thurgood. “He also asks that all offending parties reflect on how unjustified slander can cause intense trauma and create a crippling sense of embarrassment. Anyways, he also wants his fans to know that he is coping by listening to early Senses Fail and Glassjaw.”

Rippling across the nation, Bemis’s fellow emo frontmen are increasingly afraid that Connolly’s revelation could inspire other women to offer public rebuttals on popular lyrics, effectively destroying the entire scene.

Photo by Ashley Rehnblom.

‘Death Stranding’ Suspiciously Only Nominee in The Game Awards’ Best Celebrity Cameo Category

LOS ANGELES — Fans of The Game Awards are expressing skepticism over the ceremony’s new Best Celebrity Cameo category, which only features one nomination for Geoff Keighley in Death Stranding

Upon reading his own name, Keighley appeared to be astonished, even getting momentarily tongue tied as he thanked himself for the nomination, before correcting himself and thanking the voters.

“I see how this must look, but it’s simply a coincidence,” Keighley assured fans. “We added the Best Celebrity Cameo category this year to honor gaming’s unsung heroes: minor celebrities who may or may not force their faces into the industry through their video game developer friends. It’s an important group of nominees. The people have spoken and I guess I’m the most qualified pick this year!”

Despite Keighley’s reasoning, fans remained unconvinced, pointing out that the game was nominated for every category it was eligible for, including the newly established Best Social Strand Game Sponsored by Monster Energy Drink category, despite coming out a week after nominations were due.

Keighley went on to defend the ethics of the show’s nomination process, pointing out that this year’s voting pool was more diverse than ever. The Game Awards even went as far as to send ballots to artists outside of gaming, such as filmmakers Guillermo Del Toro and Nicolas Winding Refn.

“The final nominations are totally reflective of our picks!” vented one voter, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s really disrespectful for people to question the integrity of everyone who voted here at Clueless Gamer.” 

Despite the skepticism, Keighley promised that The 2019 Game Awards will be the biggest production yet. In addition to the usual award presentations and new game reveals, the ceremony will also feature several performances from indie-rock band Low Roar, which will interrupt the show every 10 minutes.  

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Geoff Keighley Announces Best Layoffs Category for Game Awards

LOS ANGELES — During a YouTube livestream announcing the nominees for the upcoming 2019 Game Awards, founder and host Geoff Keighley dropped the news that the show would honor innovations on the business side of the industry this year by featuring a new category for Best Layoffs. 

“Game developers are getting laid off all the time, but we’ve never seen the big name companies step it up like this before,” Keighley stated in an interview. “Layoffs have never been the center of attention in the gaming world, but after the events of the past year it’s clear this is something so important to the medium. We’re lucky to have visionary companies like Activision and Telltale leading the way by finding new and exciting ways to systematically liquidate human beings and ruin their respective lives.”

Various members of the video game industry were thrilled to hear the news.

“It’s so amazing to be included in this awards show,” said former Riot Games employee Lisa Schaub. “I’m honored to be recognized not only for painstakingly modeling and texturing a DLC character with insane profit margins, but also for the way I was heartlessly tossed aside by executives who immediately terminated me as soon as the work was done. At the time, I was just hoping for better pay and job security, but this nomination is really a dream come true.”

“It’s an honor to be considered among so many wonderful nominees,” said a spokesman for GameStop, another contender for Best Layoffs.  “This category is brand new and it’s already so competitive, so to be among the greats of this era of corporate insolvency is truly humbling.”

As of press time, Keighley announced that the new section would be renamed the “Freshest Layoffs (presented by Subway).”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Freddy Krueger Getting Real Freaked Out By Evangelion Fan’s Dreams

SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Paranormal teen-killer Freddy Krueger is feeling totally freaked out while trying to haunt a Neon Genesis Evangelion fan’s dreams, sleeping sources confirmed. 

“Some nerd bitch like her should be an easy kill, but things are really weird in here,” said Krueger, shaking himself dry after falling into a bizarre sea of amniotic fluid. “Last night when I was here, I saw this big fucker with a skull face fighting an ugly purple robot, and then this big blue geometric thing floated up into the sky and zapped me with a giant beam of light. What?”

Krueger’s target, self-proclaimed otaku Jill Yeovil, had finished rewatching the new Netflix dub of the classic anime for the fourth time before going to sleep and wreaking further havoc on Krueger with scenes from the original series, several of the reboot films, and even characters from her own fanfiction.

“Why are there now ten really ugly robots eating the big red ugly robot?” asked Krueger, desperately clawing at the NERV geofront to escape. “Why is the red one screaming like a girl? What drugs is this kid on?”

Sources say that everything then began to turn into pitch blackness around Krueger, with flashes of large white letters asking probing existential questions. 

“I want to run away,” said Krueger, having turned into an immobile pencil drawing. “I want to run away. I want to run away. I want to run away.”

At time of writing, Krueger was ejected from Yeovil’s subconscious mind after she woke up screaming in horror from a nightmare that Hideaki Anno had announced Rebuild of Evangelion 4 will never come out.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man at Least 12 Years Older Than Coworkers Tired of Being Mistaken for Manager

CARY, N.C. — Local co-op worker Alan Swanson is fed up with assumptions that he’s somehow in charge of coworkers at least 12 years his junior, according to sources in need of assistance.

“I’m sick of customers blowing past two or three of my professional equals to come up and ask me if I’m the manager. My thinning hair doesn’t make me a competent person worthy of leading a team,” said the 36-year-old Swanson during an extended cigarette break. “It’s insulting. I’m not going to stand for this ageist profiling — these people are my peers. Just because I’ve got a solid decade on everyone else who works here doesn’t make me any less ineffectual than they are. In fact, most people think I’m one of the worst employees here.”

Rainbow Co-op patrons later admitted they shouldn’t have made assumptions about Swanson’s employment status based on his physical appearance.

“I guess I offended him when I asked if he was in charge of ordering. He started getting all huffy and I wanted to be like, ‘Calm down there old timer, you might blow a gasket,’” said Vicki Martinez, a shopper in search of a particular brand of red lentil. “He insisted that this isn’t even his main gig… and then passed me a handbill for a basement show on Sunday night and walked away. I still need to ask someone about lentils.”

Other co-op employees are less concerned over mistaken attribution of authority than with Swanson’s general workplace conduct.

“People think he’s the boss because he’s like, 40 or something, and is always dressed differently than the rest of us… but really, he just forgets to wear his work shirt a lot. He’s been written up twice this week,” said co-op manager Taisha Abely, 24. “I think Alan does feel self-conscious about being so much older than everyone else, and sometimes he tries to make up for it: one time I heard him go out of his way to call a song that was playing a ‘bop.’ It was kind of painful to see — the defeat in his eyes is something I’ll never forget.”

Swanson later claimed that his employment status will change once his bandmates finish high school and they can tour full time.

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