We Need to Stop Dismissing the Elderly. They Might Have Been Super Hot When They Were Younger

Posted on by Krissy Howard

There is a real problem in this country, and no, I’m not talking about peanut oil. I’m talking about the way we treat old people. The way we, as a society, constantly make fun of them for being bad drivers who shit their pants and suck at technology just makes me sick, and it needs to end now.

If you ask me, we need to stop being so dismissive of the elderly. Because who knows, they might have been super hot when they were younger.

I already know what you’re thinking, “But old people are so stupid, I hate them and I’m not going to hide it.”

One the one hand, I hear you, but do you really want to risk being a dick to some old lady who might have been way out of your league when she was your age? I wouldn’t.

And I’m always hearing people complain about how the elderly tell long, boring stories about war and stuff. But honestly, how many dinners have you sat through listening to some hot idiot talk out of his ass about nothing until it was finally time to go back to his studio apartment and have him bust in your hair after thirty lame seconds.

Well, what if I told you that the old man you tried ignoring at the bus stop this morning might have been one of those hot idiots at some point. Think about that.

Maybe we could learn a thing or two from the Asians, who believe in Confusion, which states that people have to like the old people in their town all the way until they’re dead, even if they do get super gross and shit. If they can do it, why can’t we?

The fact of the matter is, our nation’s old folks deserve to be respected and heard, and fortunately, they’re so desperate and lonely that they’ll talk to anyone, even if you were someone they wouldn’t have considered fucking when they were in their prime. So, the next time you see one, offer a smile, share your time, and really try to focus on the angles of their cheekbones — sometimes you can still see lingering hotness there.

No Need to Worry: Pokéball Head Guy Has Loving Family, Devoted Husband, and Three Incredible Children

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We all love the Pokéball Head Guy, the guy who follows trainers around from gym to gym in the Galar region and gives out free pokéballs; that much is a given. As you traverse through the beautiful cities and routes of Galar, however, you’re probably a little bit worried. “Who exactly is this Pokéball Head Guy? Actually, what exactly is this Pokéball Head Guy? Should I be concerned?”

Well I am here to tell you: you don’t need to be worried. There’s absolutely nothing wrong or bad about the Pokéball Head Guy. Everything about him is good and you’re going to be OK.

Perhaps you’re wondering if the Pokéball Head Guy is some sort of malicious alien. You’d be wrong. Or maybe you’re nervous that the Pokéball Head Guy has some horrific malady that made his head into a ball-form. Wrong again. The answer is simply that the Pokéball Head Guy is a man with a pokéball head. He’s happy and he’s smiling because everything is a-OK. Nothing in the Pokéball Head Guy’s life is bad.

Here’s what we know about the the Pokéball Head Guy: he has a loving family who raised him to be a good, productive adult member of society. His parents are aging well and remain healthy and he has a bout of siblings who he stays in regular contact with, visiting them each multiple times a year. Everyone in his family has a pokéball head and they’re wonderful people.

Does Pokéball Head Guy have a good life? Is he a good person? Can we trust Pokéball Head Guy?

Pokéball Head Guy has three children who he loves very much. His oldest child is from a previous marriage with a woman he divorced. Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound too good. Well, fear not — the divorce was amicable and the two remain close friends to this day, sharing joint custody of their child. And it’s not just for the kid, too, they legitimately love each other as people just no longer romantically as their lives took directions. They support each other and hang out frequently. They broke up because it was hard for them to kiss on account of them both having giant spherical pokéball heads and flat mouths on seemingly painted onto front of them. But that’s fine! Don’t freak out! 

Pokéball Head Guy’s other two children are twins he adopted with his loving, devoted husband, Gerald, but Pokéball Head Guy loves all of his children equally. You can really tell. He has never once in his life favored the one who had a pokéball head over the two human-head children he raises with Gerald. He’s a special guy. 

And boy, you can really tell that Pokéball Head Guy and Gerald are made for each other. The way they look into each other’s eyes (Gerald’s human eyes and Pokéball Head Guy’s massive oval eyes attached to the front of his round head, never blinking — just carefully sitting at the exact same level as the top of his mouth). 

Pokéball Head Guy has paid off all of his student loans even though he grew up lower middle class, so financially, he’s killing it right now. He gets full benefits for his job of handing out pokéballs to gym challengers and, even though he isn’t paid incredibly, he has a hefty amount of paid time off.

Pokéball Head Guy volunteers on the weekend at a children’s hospital. Word has it, the kids love to sit on his head and bounce it against a wall over and over again because they don’t have access to better entertainment. Pokéball Head Guy has never once complained.

No one on the internet has ever written anything disparaging about Pokéball Head Guy.

So there you have it. There’s absolutely no need to worry because Pokéball Head Guy seriously has it going on. There’s nothing bad going on with Pokéball Head Guy and if you like him, you’re doing great so don’t even —

What’s this? Oh no. I’m getting word that Pokéball Head Guy just tweeted, “If you don’t respect a police officer Entei then maybe you deserve what happens to you.” Oh god fucking damn it. I’m really, really sorry. I just… OK, has anyone seen a Dreepy do anything bad?

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Lead Singer Pretty Sure Good Idea Was His Idea

Posted on by Josh Kuderna

BALTIMORE — Members of local band Wasted Rat agreed yesterday that the guitar solo in their new song “absolutely rips,” but immediately turned to arguing after their singer claimed he was “pretty sure the solo was his idea,” annoyed bandmates confirmed.

“See, Alex [Clifford] was originally playing the solo at practice like, ‘bahhh bin wah-win-wahhhh.’ Which was perfectly fine, but I felt it was very average and needed something different, ya know? Something that really made it pop. I vaped on it, then it hit me — and I told Alex how to play this badass riff,” said lead singer Phillip Leamy. “And like, I’m pretty sure that’s when I told Alex that it should go like, ‘weeee wan-wan-wan baaaa-bahhhh dee-wahhhhh.’ But at the end of the day, this was all a team effort: I’m just like the captain, or coach. Probably a mix of both.”

Clifford was quick to note that his band’s frontman does not know how to play guitar, nor has he ever played guitar.

“Beating every version of ‘Rock Band’ doesn’t count as knowing how to play guitar,” said a visibly frustrated Clifford. “Just saying, ‘Play it this way!’ while making noises with your mouth or whatever doesn’t mean that it was your idea. I still had to write it and play it. It’s not like he invented the concept of solos — they’ve been around forever.”

Those close to Leamy claim this type of behavior extends beyond the practice space.

“When I got a promotion at work, he said it was probably because he told me that I should make more money,” said Phillip’s mother, Denise Leamy. “Can you believe it? He told me told me to make more money only after I told him I couldn’t afford to pay his rent forever.”

All agree, however, that the most egregious may have been when Leamy tried to take credit for drummer Darren Webb’s recent engagement to his girlfriend.

“If it wasn’t for me, they would’ve never met,” said Leamy. “He’d probably still be dating that awful woman Jenna, but thankfully, I had sex with her while Darren was in Aruba and he broke up with her as soon as he found out.”

5th Friend Who ‘Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play’ Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

Posted on by Chandler Dean

OSLO, Norway — In a development widely recognized by everyone in the group chat as “long overdue,” local buddy Dominic Perkyns received the Nobel Peace Prize for always being the first to hand off the controller and let the others play when the hang reaches 5+ gamers.

Perkyns, who has become renowned for inspirational expressions of selflessness like “don’t worry about me, this game is fun to watch anyway” and “hey man, I’m tagging you in, my thumbs need a break,” accepted the award with the qualifier that he would need to check that none of his pals wanted to get the Nobel Peace Prize first.

Jason Starns, representing the group of friends who submitted Perkyns for the Nobel committee’s consideration, outlined the nomination process.

“We feel that ultimately, the Nobel Peace Prize should be awarded to whoever has done the dopest solids for the widest array of buds,” said Starns, in a statement delivered via Discord DM. “Dom exemplifies these qualities and more when he gives up his Joy-Cons to whoever hasn’t played for a while — even when he’s reaming us in Mario Kart, as he usually does.”

Upon receiving his award, Perkyns gave brief remarks, inviting the ceremony attendees to come over and chill at his hotel room so everybody could get some time with the Prize.

“I’ve got Cherry Coke, I can whip up some Totino’s Pizza Rolls in the microwave, and we can all just vibe with the Prize,” Perkyns proposed. “By the way, if anyone needs a place to crash, feel free to stick around — the Nobel committee hooked me up with a room that has a sweet hideaway bed situation.”

Perkyns added that after he takes a few pictures and lets it sit on his shelf back home for a while, he is “totally down to let whoever borrow [the Prize] if they don’t have their own copy yet.”

Speculation has already begun that next year, the prize could go to your roommate who left his Switch in your dorm room while he studied abroad in New Zealand.

Photo by Austin Jansma

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Really Fucking Up Family Feud Survey

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BURBANK, Calif. — Contrarian punk Greg Howard derailed his family’s appearance on “Family Feud” yesterday with esoteric answers and random outbursts, production sources still cleaning up discarded cigarette butts and spit confirmed.

“Man, when I saw this character come out, I knew he was going to be trouble,” remarked host Steve Harvey. “I’ve been hosting this show for 10 years and this is the first time I’ve ever heard a family yell, ‘Bad answer’ — I asked him to name a place people go on a first date and he said, ‘Dumpster diving behind the Red Lobster’ with a straight face. At one point I thought his father was going to smack him upside his head. I was close to doing it myself.”

Observers note Howard’s antics included passing against his family’s wishes, instead of playing, after getting a number-one answer, and shotgunning an Old Style during the “Fast Money” round.

“Before we did this, I took Greg aside and told him that this meant a lot to his Mom and Grandmother and to please take this seriously,” noted family patriarch Phillip Howard. “He wasn’t our first choice, but we needed a fifth and the producers were adamant that we include him. When he showed up wearing a suit, I breathed a sigh of relief… but then he took the jacket off and I saw that he cut the sleeves off his shirt. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after he pulled a switchblade on Steve, I knew I should have searched him.”

The punk, who was taken aside by production staff after calling the opposing family “triflin’ bitches,” was nonchalant over the entire incident, stating that his family should have been appreciative of his antics.

“Dad was losing his shit after filming and I was like, who fucking cares? We still won and at least people will remember us,” said the high school dropout. “It’s like, Dad, you’ve known me my whole life, and you think I’m going to pass up an opportunity to fuck shit up on TV? Do you honestly think I give a fuck about this Hollywood corporate bullshit? Okay, maybe a little, but if I’m going to have to be a sellout dickhead, at least let me have fun with it.”

“Also, Ray Combs didn’t kill himself,” added the punk.

The Howard’s Family Feud episode is slated to air Wednesday and is rated TV-MA for language, violence, and drug content.

REPORT: DVD You Were Watching Put in Case of DVD You’re Currently Watching

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — An alarming new report released today found that your DVD collection is in disarray, thanks to months of putting the DVD you just watched in the case of the DVD you’re currently watching.

“I used to lay the old DVDs on top of the player, but they’d get dusty and fall behind the TV stand. That’s when I developed my foolproof system,” you said while trying to find your copy of “Dirty Work.” “To find a movie, all I have to do is remember the day, time, weather, and my mood the last time I watched it. For instance, last time I watched ‘Snowpiercer,’ it was 2 a.m. on a Tuesday and I was drunk as hell. Therefore, it’s in ‘Billy Madison,’ because I usually watch that when I’m hungover.”

“No, wait. ‘Snowpiercer’ is in ‘Ghostbusters.’ See? Foolproof,” you added.

Roommate and DVD collector Dakota Carter commissioned the report, confronting you after finding several misplaced movies.

“This ‘system’ is absolute trash. Yeah, I have a system, too. It’s called putting the right goddamn DVD in the right goddamn case,” said Carter. “The other week I had the urge to watch ‘Blue Velvet,’ and when I asked where it was, he got really snotty and said, ‘Obviously it’s in ‘Young Einstein.’ Then he gestured towards an insane chart on the wall with polaroid pics of my DVDs and yarn connecting them. How is making this chart easier than putting the movies away right?”

Thrift store employee Elsie Velasco is all too familiar with this apparently very common phenomenon of improper DVD storage.

‘Thanks to streaming we get lots of DVD donations now. Obviously it’s appreciated, but apparently everyone in the world has an aversion to putting movies back where they belong. I would so rather just deal with the bedbug-ridden clothes donations than this crap,” said Velasco. “At first it was like a card matching game where we try to find the right movie… but after a while we started slapping duct tape over the case, writing the DVD name on it, and calling it a day.”

At press time, Carter announced she is moving out of your apartment, claiming the final straw was that you “fucked up her GameFly queue beyond all recognition” again.

We Sat Down With Green Day and Asked Them for $4 so We Don’t Overdraft

Posted on by Anna Walsh

When the opportunity to interview Green Day came up, we at The Hard Times were ecstatic. What couldn’t be gained from the wealth, both of knowledge and money, that these guys have? So with our landlord breathing down our neck, we sat down with punk legends Green Day.

Hard Times: Thanks so much for taking the time to speak with us! You guys have a new single out. What kind of royalties are you seeing on that?
Billie Joe Armstrong: What? Oh sorry, I thought you were going to ask about what the song sounds like. Well, we actually don’t get royalties for current songs ‘til like six months later so not sure.
Tre Cool: But you can get it on Spotify, iTunes, Pandora, Amazon Music, and YouTube! Go listen!

HT: Cool. Cool. So between Dookie and American Idiot you guys must have sold like 6 billion records. How does that feel… financially?
Mike Dirnt: If you mean financially like, “how does it feel to know so many punk bands were able to make a living because those records helped keep punk in the larger cultural conversation,” then yeah, it feels pretty good.

HT: Well I just had a ramen packet for lunch so not exactly. Anyway, you’re doing this big tour of…how many arenas? What’s like 40,000 times $50 a ticket times however many dates? That’s roughly about a fuckload of cash, right?
BJA: Um, yeah I guess so. We have people do the math for us so I don’t really know. Maybe try a calculator. Are you, like, mad that we’re rich or something?
MD: Come on, there are way worse people you could be grilling about their finances. You know there are billionaires buying up water right now so they can privatize it, right? Shouldn’t you be grilling them about their finances? Yell at them.

HT: Alright, alright, I can tell you guys are a little sensitive about how much money you make. I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Could we have $4? Our bank charges $50 for overdrafting and our dickhead landlord wants the “full rent” or whatever.
BJA: What? You want us to give you $4 right now?
TC: Sure, here you go man.

HT: Really? Wow, you guys are the best. I’ll definitely try to stop calling you sellouts at every possible opportunity.
BJA: Um, great. Thanks.
MD: Yeah man, whatever.
TC: *laughs while lighting a stack of hundred dollar bills on fire*

BREAKING: Baby Yoda Has Died

Posted on by LD Wallace

MATMATA, Tunisia — Close sources from within The Mandalorian production team solemnly reported today that breakout star Baby Yoda died while filming on location in Tunisia. 

According to those familiar with the situation, Baby Yoda was waddling in the sand, innocently and adorably, when a large European honey buzzard swooped down and grasped the lovable little alien with its powerful, horrible talons. With a loud screech, the honey buzzard then darted through the air, carrying the helpless, defenseless Baby Yoda with it.

“I really wish the force was real,” said one witness, a gaffer on-set who saw the whole ordeal. “Then maybe Baby Yoda could have fought back.” 

“But it isn’t, so he couldn’t,” The witness then added, sighing. “The force isn’t real, and now Baby Yoda is gone.” 

The cast and crew are reportedly baffled by this turn of events. 

“Baby Yoda was pretty important to the plot of the show, actually,” said one writer interviewed for comment. “We’re not totally sure where we’re going to take it now. Maybe we’ll do something with midichlorians?”

“Maybe we’ll replace Baby Yoda with a baby gungan or something fun like that,” the writer continued. “Honestly, we’ll probably just skip the middleman and stuff a funko pop in that floating crib and call it a day.” 

Baby Yoda is survived by his costar, closest friend, and personal confidant, Werner Herzog. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Wardrobe Department Figures Aerosmith Tee Punk Enough

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — The wardrobe department for last night’s episode of long-running procedural “NCIS: Los Angeles” dressed a “punk” character in an Aerosmith T-shirt and denim vest, multiple viewers confirmed.

“I always dread whenever the writers give us one of these counterculture characters, because I never know how to dress them,” complained wardrobe assistant Emily Bailey. “So, of course, when they gave us the notes for this drug dealer character, they wanted a punk type. I know a few bands like Good Charlotte… but I don’t think that’s the look they were going for. My friend mentioned that Target always has a bunch of old band T-shirts, so I went there and grabbed Aerosmith, AC/DC, and The Doors shirts, just so I had some options.”

The 24-year-old assistant, who primarily listens to Top 40 hits, sought guidance from the producers, who were dismissive of her requests for help.

“Look, I just coordinate with the studio. It’s not my job to know what they dress like. Isn’t that what we pay her for?” said producer Bill McKinney. “Punks are just those smelly guys in the leather jackets and the dumb haircuts who would cut class to smoke. Everyone knows that, so this shouldn’t be too hard for her. Just give the guy a cigarette and have him look pissed when Chris O’Donnell talks to him and we’re in business.”

Music historian Britton Hart has long fought for better punk representation in Hollywood.

“The ’80s did irreparable damage to properly dressing punk characters: every punk seems to have a perfectly groomed mohawk, lip ring, and not a single stick-and-poke tattoo in sight,” said Hart. “But dressing a character in an Aerosmith shirt and naming him ‘Scuzzwad’ is particularly egregious and offensive. Every show should be required to cast one staff member who once attended a basement show where the cover charge was a six pack of beer. That would solve everything.”

At press time, Bailey had submitted her two weeks notice after being assigned to dress a band “GWAR-like.”

Gaming Addiction Study Participant Pretty Sure He Got Placebo Game

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Several weeks into a Stanford University study measuring the addictive nature of video games, participant Aidan Whaller told sources he was “pretty sure” he had been placed in the placebo group after receiving a blank game he was instructed to play for one hour every day.

“I can’t be 100% certain I’m part of the control group, but at the moment, I don’t feel addicted to this game at all,” stated Whaller, explaining that the game, which centers around staring at a white screen and occasionally being instructed to press buttons that do nothing, was having no discernible impact on him. “I’m pretty sure this is a placebo, but I guess some games are pretty avant-garde these days. It’s hard to know for certain. It’s probably a 7 out of 10.”

In double-blind controlled studies such as this, neither test subjects nor researchers know who received the inactive and active video games, to prevent any perceived placebo effects from contaminating the results.

“We keep that knowledge secret, in case the data suggests that a statistically significant portion of candidates develop addictions to the placebo games anyway,” said lead researcher Dr. Lawrence Palatche, who added that by the trial’s end they expected at least some percentage of participants to exhibit typical symptoms of video game addiction such as sore eyes, carpal tunnel, irritability, or vomiting. 

“If that were the case,” he continued, “we could conclude that the subject had developed psychological dependence merely on arbitrary blinking lights and moving their thumbs around, which could merit further research into whether that counts as a video game.”

Sources report the study was cut short after several members of the experimental group had apparently died of an overdose of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.