Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Sobbing, Confused Mike Pence Spotted Leaving Lamb of God Show Early

Posted on November 24, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence was “disoriented” and “inconsolable” last night leaving a concert by metal band Lamb of God shortly after it began, multiple long-haired sources who wished they’d given Pence the finger confirmed.

“The impeachment hoax has been very trying, so Mother recommended I attend a Lamb of God revival at this church called The Anthem,” reported the tear-stained Vice President. “The crowd wasn’t what you would expect at a revival, but if anyone needed to hear the good news of the Gospel, it was these people. Much to my chagrin, it turned out to be a rock ‘n’ roll show… and a very evil one at that. Fortunately, the Secret Service stepped in and got me out of there, but it was all very upsetting.”

Witnesses report that approximately five minutes into the band’s opening song, the Vice President was whisked out of the venue, but the damage was done.

“I was really confused when I saw Pence there, because I always took him for one of those uptight, ‘metal is the devil’s music’ types… so I initially thought maybe he was a bit more open minded than we give him credit for,” said concert attendee Britt Rianda. “But when the band called for a wall of death, I saw Pence stupidly walk into the gap in the audience and start telling the band to stop playing so loud — then the wall came together and he was gone.”

The resulting aftermath has earned the band the ire of social conservatives, but Lamb of God has emphatically claimed they are not to blame for what happened to Pence.

“Look, I’m not going to get dragged into a political debate,” said Lamb of God frontman Randy Blythe. “If that choad wants to come to one of our shows, he’s absolutely welcome to, but you’d think that someone who believes in personal responsibility would take five minutes to google the event he was attending. Sorry he didn’t have a good time, but that’s on him, not us. If he doesn’t like mosh pits, tell him to go back to his ‘safe space’ in whatever closet he calls an office in the White House.”

Government sources state that while Pence was traumatized by the event, he was hopeful that the Christian film, “I Am Divine,” will be more uplifting.

Band, Audience, Venue Staff All Agree They’re Too Old for This Shit

Posted on November 23, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

PORTLAND, Maine — Attendees, staff, and band at a Drunk Witch show last night simultaneously all concluded that they’re just “too old for this loud music and moshing bullshit,” multiple fed up sources confirmed.

“Honestly, fuck this. It was fun for a while, but at some point, you just have to accept that this same routine multiple nights in a row wears you down,” noted Drunk Witch bass player Griffin Sansone. “I’m in my 30s for Christ’s sake, and there’s nothing wrong with just wanting to have a quiet evening in. I love playing music and our fans, but as soon as I got up there tonight and saw all these dead eyes staring at me, I just wanted to flip everyone off, go home, and binge old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ or something.”

The band’s exhaustion, stemming from countless nights on the road and sleeping in random hotels, was clearly mutual, as the crowd did not hide its own regret.

“I just don’t have it in me anymore. I used to love going to shows, but now everything seems so loud… and the second someone bumps into me, I wish I was back home in bed,” remarked attendee John Husson. “When they asked how everyone was doing tonight, I wanted to yell, ‘How the hell do you think I’m doing? It’s Monday night and I’ve been busting my ass all day,’ but I just didn’t have the energy. Ugh. I’m going to be dragging ass tomorrow and my ears will probably be ringing.”

Even venue staff, who depend on shows like this to make a living, just wanted an easy night for once.

“It’s as if I had this epiphany of what kind of life I’m leading,” said venue manager Melissa Edmonds. “I spend every night at this godforsaken shithole making sure underage kids aren’t trying to pass off fake IDs, while simultaneously dealing with the demands of the overgrown children in these bands. I used to mock people who did the whole 9-to-5 office life, but at this stage I’d kill for that. I’m 37 and I haven’t had health insurance in years.”

Sources note that while the show did proceed, guitarist Josh Hook left midway through and no one seemed to notice or care.

New Movie Uses De-Aging Technology to Make Paul Rudd Look Exactly the Same

Posted on November 23, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — An upcoming film by Denis Villeneuve entitled Tempus and starring Paul Rudd was announced this morning; the film will span multiple decades and use state-of-the-art de-aging CGI technology to make Rudd’s character look exactly the same.

“The things that we can do with this technology have really opened up filmmaking; there’s so many new stories we can tell that we simply could not tell before. Unfortunately in the case of Tempus, however, Paul Rudd has looked exactly the same since he was 20-years-old,” a frustrated Villeneuve said at a press conference. “The guy just doesn’t age.”

“It’s too late to cast someone whose appearance has actually changed over time,” Villeneuve continued, holding his head in his hands, “and it’s far too late to fire all the VFX people… so I guess we’ll throw him in a light blue windbreaker during the ‘80s scenes and call it a day.”

Those working on the CGI for the film felt that their time was not wasted.

“It’s not like we ever get credit for doing shit in the first place. Remember when that whole company went under after Life of Pi won an Oscar? So fuck ‘em — we have a contract to de-age Paul Rudd and you’re getting an identical looking Paul Rudd,” said visual effects artist Martha Danette. “We’re still gonna do all the stuff. We’ll get him in all the tech and we’re run all the algorithms and we’ll edit all the textures. But you’ll all know you could have just changed [Rudd’s] outfit and no one would be able to tell the difference.”

When asked to comment, Rudd sent us a video of a boy in a wheelchair falling into a river from 1988’s Mac and Me.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cuck Loses Wife to Cancer

Posted on November 23, 2019 by Shea Strauss

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Beta cuck Seth Armitage watched helplessly from the side of his wife Nadia’s hospital bed last Thursday as cancer totally fucked her body and left her dead, according to several disgusted sources.

“I can’t believe she’s gone,” whined Armitage like the little pig boy he is. “Nadia was my better half, my everything. She was taken too soon. We had a whole life planned together — building a home, raising kids, traveling the world… and it’s all gone. When she first told me about the cancer, I figured it was just a phase: not something that would completely destroy our relationship. My only hope is that she’s no longer suffering.”

Nadia’s sister, Kirsten Jacobson, said that Nadia’s recent departure confirmed long-held suspicions that Armitage was a total beta male.

“Nadia always had the worst taste in men,” said Jacobson. “I begged her to dump that pussy after I learned he used emojis in texts and wore a football jersey with another man’s last name. What kind of coward lets cells grow abnormally in his wife’s abdomen right in front of him? I can’t even look him in the eye. If Nadia had married a real self-respecting man, she would’ve died from being fucked too good, just like our mother.”

Indeed, oncologist Dr. Zack Sutherland attributed Nadia’s death to the “little bitch behavior” exhibited by her husband.

“I see a bunch of whiny little bitch boys come in here and break down in tears as soon as they find out their partner is terminal. If they were real men, they’d not only satisfy their wife sexually, but also homeopathically,” said Dr. Sutherland. “The late Mrs. Armitage was a total smokeshow, a solid seven… so you can’t blame the cancer for wanting to get up in those guts. But if she were my woman, I would’ve roundhouse curb-stomped any tumor that even thought about entering her.”

“And can someone please get that dude out of this hospital before each woman in this place gets a case of vaginal dryness?” added Dr. Sutherland. “When I told him Nadia passed, Seth sobbed by her bed for hours. Like, dude, she’s gone — stop being such a little snowflake crybaby.”

A funeral service for Nadia is scheduled for Monday at the Trinity Episcopal Church where, in lieu of flowers, mourners are encouraged to violently roast the widower for his inability to suck it up and act like a man for once.

Wait: Did You Just Re-Start This Song So It Would Be Playing When I Got In The Car?

Posted on November 23, 2019 by Heather Cook

Hey, thanks for picking me up — Wait, did you just restart that song so it was playing when I got in the car? Oh, please. Like you’re cool enough to casually be listening to an 18-minute-long orchestra version of NOFX’s ‘The Decline?’

Every time I get in your car you’ve got some rare punk rock artifact seeping out the speakers and I’m starting to catch on. Listen bud, you don’t need Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged session reeling on your car’s vintage cassette player to prove anything to me. I get it! You’re punk!

I admit I appreciate the amount of effort you put into being unsuspectingly cool. It’s like ‘post-tryhard.’ The volume is set low enough to give the illusion that you weren’t paying any mind to ‘Pennyroyal Tea’, but it’s just loud enough that I’ll have to take notice. And yes, I do notice when you strategically turn the volume up during certain lyrics.

Even if I don’t notice the song playing, the cassette box is left ‘unintentionally’ sitting on the dashboard. Also, you can just hit rewind- You don’t have to make a whole show of taking the cassette out and using a pencil to re-align the tape.

Come to think of it, I must have walked out of my house and had to go back inside like three times just now. Did you restart the song each time? Of course you did.

However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t confess that I’ve also been guilty of this. Who isn’t? Whenever I’m going to pick up one of my fellow riot grrrl’s, I’ll have Sleater-Kinney’s ‘Dig Me Out’ playing so that my friends get the impression I have an overflowing knowledge of influential women in rock. But that doesn’t mean I should have to sit through The Clash’s ‘Cut the Crap’ every time I need a ride to a show.

Ya know, you and I aren’t that different after all. Here’s my move — The real trick is to not have any music playing when someone gets in the car. That way when they want to put on some music, tell them to pick out one of your grandiose CDs in the glove compartment. Then, they’ll get to see your entire pretentious music collection all at once! Talk about a win for your ego!

Morrissey Now Selling Autographed Skrewdriver Albums

Posted on November 23, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

DETROIT — Controversial singer/songwriter Morrissey is now selling signed copies of albums by the notorious white power band Skrewdiver for $300 at concerts, attendees at a recent tour stop confirmed.

“First of all, who let you in? Is this some kind of left-wing Guardian smear job?” the former Smiths frontman angrily said. “I don’t owe you any explanation as to why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m supporting a band that promotes traditional British values and extolling the virtues of Nationalism — since when is that racist? What does that word even mean anymore? If you SJWs want to start throwing around labels like ‘bigot’ or ‘Nazi’ rather than having an actual dialogue, I’m not going to waste my time. Fuck off.”

Longtime fans of the singer were put off, but ultimately seemed resigned to the new reality.

“I guess in this situation, you have to separate the art from the artist. If we totally write him off there are going to be thousands of dance nights across the country that’ll have to completely change their soundtrack,” said fan and DJ Steven Courchesne. “I definitely don’t agree with Morrissey’s views or those of Skrewdriver, but when you look at the contributions Moz has made to contemporary music, I’m willing to put aside the politics and enjoy the music. I just wish he wasn’t pushing so hard to sell all these copies of ‘Blood & Honour.’”

Former bandmate, Johnny Marr, was dismissive of the singer’s latest actions.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You realize I haven’t really spoken to him without a lawyer present in years, right?” an exasperated Marr replied. “The Smiths ended 30 years ago. It’d be one thing if we were still in the same band, but I’ve long since moved on. Morrissey is Morrissey, that’s all I can really say, and frankly, I wish you all would stop bothering me everything time he pulls one of these stunts. I would love it if someone asked me about some of my projects and tours for once.”

At press time, Morrissey announced he will begin giving guided tours of Buchenwald, where he will explain “the real intention” behind the death camps for the low price of $750 per person.

dril Becomes Conservative Icon After Accidental Retweet From @realDonaldTrump

Posted on November 22, 2019 by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

WASHINGTON — Famed cursed twitter account @dril became a conservative icon this morning after being retweeted by President Donald Trump, in what experts say may have been an accident.

After an intense round of hearings, President Trump retweeted a tweet simply saying, “i love to cum red white white white white and blue from my balls” originally sent in 2009. Within minutes, dril, whose identity is currently unknown to the public, became incredibly popular in the conservative community and was quickly invited onto multiple rightwing talk shows.

“I masturbate into my own face every single morning now that American patriot dril told me I should,” said 56-year-old Alabama resident Kip Sommers. “dril tells it like it is. And when ‘it’ I mean cumming and when I say ‘is’ I mean the fact that we need to do it into our own faces. I now know that if I want to protect my president and my nation, I need to never log off.”

Despite only hours having passed since the president’s retweet, dril has already appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience with his face blurred out.

“Wow. Amazing. I really love the insight you’re getting out into the world. What you’ve said about shitting yourself has changed my life, man. Have you ever tried DMT?” Joe Rogan asked dril in the 7-hour YouTube interview, in which dril does not speak. “What’s crazy is that we evolved from shit, man, you know? That’s true. I tied a scientist to a chair and he told me that. Shit is such an important part of nature, man, we use it to plant bushes, make earth fertile. It’s society. Wild shit.”

Former top conservative icon Ben Shapiro solemnly congratulated dril on taking the top spot in a series of depressing tweets.

“I think dril is a good and important conservative and I am honored to be second place, which numerically is number two on the list,” Shapiro inexplicably tweeted. “I respect dril’s position on how our opinions should be based on whether or not girls like them. My doctor is a wife, in case you did not know.”

When reached for comment, dril said, “no”

However, dril’s spotlight was quickly taken after it was revealed that Jeffrey Epstein was in fact murdered by famed goo-plumber Gooigi, who slipped in between the bars.

This article was written by our Twitch chat! Watch the full video of its creation:

Report: Only 9% of Voters Think Joe Biden Could Defeat John Cena and The Undertaker in a Triple Threat Match

Posted on November 22, 2019 by Matt Kenny

WASHINGTON — In a sharp rebuke towards his flagging candidacy, only 9% of Democratic voters believe Joe Biden could defeat John Cena and The Undertaker in a triple threat match, according to the most recent Quinnipiac poll.

“Our polling shows that Biden has dipped 16 percentage points since January in a prospective match-up with Cena and ‘Taker,” said Ravi Shah, senior analyst for the Quinnipiac University Poll. “While the same data bears out 42% of primary voters are ‘highly confident’ that Elizabeth Warren could open up a can of whoop ass on their candy asses.”

Quinnipiac’s data has shown gains for other candidates, with more than half of Democrats aged 18-49 pretty sure Amy Klobuchar could probably slam somebody’s head off of a turnbuckle really hard. However, many supporters on the ground say they don’t trust poll numbers.

“I know he just had a heart attack, but I honestly believe Bernie Sanders is the only candidate who can pin Cena for the three-count,” said Michael Van Horn, a student at Georgetown University. “I mean, frankly, he ought to be the defending champion at this point, but they booked that shit finish at Battleground 2016 where the DNC invaded and cost Bernie the match.”

The controversial finish Van Horn mentioned is the now infamous creative decision to insert Hillary Clinton into the main event picture, an incident that has come to be known as “The DC Screwjob.”

Meanwhile, Biden’s campaign has dismissed the recent polling numbers as merely an empty distraction.

“The energetic crowds that Joe can draw for your average Monday Night RAW demonstrate these statistics are nothing to be concerned about,” said Jane Richards, deputy campaign chair for Biden. “And yes, we saw the ratings on the Darby Allin/Mayor Pete match on TNT, but we’re not concerned with what they’re doing in the minor leagues over there.”

At press time, Vince McMahon announced that the winner of the upcoming Democratic Battle Royal will become the number one contender to face current United States champion and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Only Black Kid in Class Pulling Overtime as Only Black Kid at Show

Posted on November 22, 2019 by Johnny Mo

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — High school sophomore Michelle Johnston was hospitalized for exhaustion last night after leaving a full day of attending predominantly white classes and heading directly to an exponentially whiter noise-core performance, attending doctors confirmed.

“I’m not surprised she was admitted to the ER,” commented friend and classmate Allie Baker from second period English. “Michelle’s been burning the candle at both ends for a while now. She spends all day in class shooting reassuring glances to white people during slavery lectures, and all night in venues explaining her Brand Nubian shirt is repping a legendary hip hop group — not an all black Brand New cover band.”

“It’s like she has no interest in having fun with her friends anymore. We just wish she’d take a night off from white nonsense and come watch ‘The Bachelor’ with us,” she added.

The Johnstons, hailing from a long line of black pioneers in white spaces, are concerned the youngest member of the family may be overexerting herself in an effort to live up to the family’s reputation.

“The Johnstons have always made an effort to be seen and heard,” her father Dr. Barry Johnston said, touching his framed Randy Newman ticket stub above the mantle. “We trace this endeavor all the way back to my great-grandfather Ezekiel Johnston, who was the first person of color to be sworn into the Irish-dominated police force… and sadly, the first to die from friendly fire just a few hours later.”

For her part, Michelle plans to put greater effort towards a work-life balance, and is unionizing with other black kids from excruciatingly white spaces.

“I crunched the numbers with my racial advisor, and if I maintain this workload, I should be able to retire from stupid conversations by the time I’m 45,” she proudly stated from her gurney. “I’ll be able to kick back, relax, and chat with a white woman at the beach without her touching my box braids. But I understand why my loved ones are concerned for my health… and that is why I, along with the only black cashier at Trader Joe’s and the only black guest at a plantation wedding, have started a union to protect our rights.”

In Johnston’s first big win, Santa Barbara city officials report they will not approve a construction permit for goat yoga studio Maaantra.

Boyfriend Doesn’t Really Want Anything for Birthday Besides Elaborate Sex Act You Hate Doing

Posted on November 22, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

HILTON, N.Y. — Boyfriend and birthday boy Brad Krister insisted today he really doesn’t want anything from you this year other than to spend time together, and an elaborate, time-consuming sex act you absolutely hate doing.

“Every time I ask him what he wants for his birthday, Brad completely stonewalls me. It’s always, ‘Nothing, babe. Just to be with you.’ And I know what that means: it’s time for me to start limbering up,” you said while mentally preparing for any number of unspeakable acts. “Do you know if Costco still sells an industrial-sized tub of coconut oil?”

“The worst part is he doesn’t directly ask for it — I’m just expected to know that wanting ‘nothing’ means ‘depraved carnality,’” you added. “God, I would kill for like, an Amazon wishlist or something. Would it be too weird if I just gave him cash this year?”

Your close friend Belinda Flannery, who recently ended a six-year relationship, can relate to the awkward predicament.

“My friend stopped by asking to borrow my kimono and feather duster. But when they explained what they were for, I said to just keep them,” said Flannery. “I get it: there’s a lot of give and take in relationships. I’ve asked my partners to do things that maybe weren’t their favorites, and they obliged. But Brad’s birthday present sounds exhausting. I get wanting to do something special for your person, but it sucks when you basically have to mount an off-broadway production once a year.”

When questioned, Krister still insisted that he “seriously wants nothing for his birthday.”

“I feel bad, but usually when there’s something I really want, I’ll buy it myself. Honestly, I don’t want anything besides getting to spend some time with my special person,” said Krister. “I don’t know — we can have a nice dinner at home and make a steak or something. And then maybe later, I’ll get my real present… if you catch my drift.”

At press time, you were banking as much good relationship karma as you can now, intending to spend all of it on your upcoming birthday in eight months.

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