SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — High school sophomore Michelle Johnston was hospitalized for exhaustion last night after leaving a full day of attending predominantly white classes and heading directly to an exponentially whiter noise-core performance, attending doctors confirmed.
“I’m not surprised she was admitted to the ER,” commented friend and classmate Allie Baker from second period English. “Michelle’s been burning the candle at both ends for a while now. She spends all day in class shooting reassuring glances to white people during slavery lectures, and all night in venues explaining her Brand Nubian shirt is repping a legendary hip hop group — not an all black Brand New cover band.”
“It’s like she has no interest in having fun with her friends anymore. We just wish she’d take a night off from white nonsense and come watch ‘The Bachelor’ with us,” she added.
The Johnstons, hailing from a long line of black pioneers in white spaces, are concerned the youngest member of the family may be overexerting herself in an effort to live up to the family’s reputation.
“The Johnstons have always made an effort to be seen and heard,” her father Dr. Barry Johnston said, touching his framed Randy Newman ticket stub above the mantle. “We trace this endeavor all the way back to my great-grandfather Ezekiel Johnston, who was the first person of color to be sworn into the Irish-dominated police force… and sadly, the first to die from friendly fire just a few hours later.”
For her part, Michelle plans to put greater effort towards a work-life balance, and is unionizing with other black kids from excruciatingly white spaces.
“I crunched the numbers with my racial advisor, and if I maintain this workload, I should be able to retire from stupid conversations by the time I’m 45,” she proudly stated from her gurney. “I’ll be able to kick back, relax, and chat with a white woman at the beach without her touching my box braids. But I understand why my loved ones are concerned for my health… and that is why I, along with the only black cashier at Trader Joe’s and the only black guest at a plantation wedding, have started a union to protect our rights.”
In Johnston’s first big win, Santa Barbara city officials report they will not approve a construction permit for goat yoga studio Maaantra.