Humiliated Man Wipes His Ass With Toilet Paper Like a Woman After Running Out of Dude Wipes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

RICHMOND, Va. — Local man Bryce Carrick found himself humiliated after running out of Dude Wipes and being forced to wipe his ass with toilet paper like a woman, sources report. 

“This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me,” Carrick wailed. “I pride myself in being a true man, which is why I always keep a pack of Dude Wipes at the ready for when it comes time to drop a deuce. I never want to use toilet paper to wipe my south-mouth, so when I saw that my pack was empty, I knew I had royally fucked up. Also, I had already pinched off the loaf, so it’s not like I could just suck it back up and run to the store to replenish my supply. I just had to swallow my pride and use some of my girlfriend’s Charmin. I’m so ashamed.”

Carrick’s friend Geoff Burke was shocked and disgusted at his bro’s transgression.

“Bryce did what?” Burke exclaimed. “I never in a million years would’ve thought he’d pull such a bitch move after dropping a log. Doesn’t he know that men need to use Dude Wipes because Cottonelle is for women? I just can’t believe he would do something like this not just to himself, but to me. It’s like he took a swipe at the hole of each of his dudes with that weak-ass toilet paper. He better not try to look me in the eye and act like nothing is wrong the next time he sees me, because as far as I’m concerned, Bryce Carrick is dead to me.”

Gordon Stillwater, an expert on bro culture, provided his expertise on the situation.

“It is a serious breach of bro culture for a guy to engage in a sanitary habit that’s not specifically catered to men,” Stillwater reported. “Frankly, I’m shocked that this individual debased himself so much as to use regular toilet paper. If he were a true bro, he would have postponed the wiping and ventured out to purchase more Dude Wipes with a dirty asshole. The only acceptable form toilet paper for men is Dude Wipes, leaves, and tree bark.”

At press time, Carrick was further humiliated when he ran out of Manly Loads and had to use regular laundry detergent like a woman.

King Charles Says Trump Is “Like My Brother to Me”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — During a speech to Congress this afternoon, intended to emphasize and strengthen the bond between the U.S. and the U.K. despite the currently polarizing political climate, King Charles described President Trump as “Like my brother to me,” sources confirmed. 

“I don’t just mean like ‘a’ brother to me,” clarified the British monarch, “I mean he is literally just like my actual brother, former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. They like the same sorts of things, they have the same sort of friends, the same general disposition, honestly, it’s quite uncanny. They even look a bit alike, at least in some of the polaroids I’ve seen of them together, er, letting their hair down, so to speak. And, like my brother, I am proud to say, I consider President Trump to be family first, and an enormous liability to me second.”

At press time, the President was practicing saying “I’m not a rapist” the way someone who never raped anyone might and could not be reached for comment. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

We Ranked Every Dream Theater Album Chronologically Because We Didn’t Want To Listen to Their Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Dream Theater is a progressive metal band from Boston whose albums we have been told to rank, and let us tell you, we sure as shit are not going to listen to all 16 of them. Huh uh. Not gonna happen. Here’s a chronological ranking of their discography so we can technically say we did the job that was assigned to us. Sorry if you were expecting something different. 

  1. “When Dream and Day Unite” – 1989

Coming in at Number 1 is their debut. What more can we say about this album other than the fact that it’s the first one they released, and therefore fully deserving of the top spot in our ranking?

  1. “Images and Words” – 1992

This one has “Pull Me Under”, which might honestly be the only Dream Theater song we’ve ever listened to. That should count for something, right? We believe it should, so it gets the silver medal!

  1. “Awake” – 1994

Jesus, that cover art looks like a high school Algebra textbook or some bullshit. There’s no way this band has actual fans.

  1. “Falling Into Infinity” – 1997

Dream Theater’s fourth album, chronologically, is the only one to feature keyboardist Derek Sherinian, according to Wikipedia. Do you find that interesting? Neither do we. Ugh, we have like 12 more of these to go.

  1. “Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory” – 1999

Just typing that album title pissed us off. Do us a favor and complain in the comments that we should write more about punk, and hopefully our editors will notice.

  1. “Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence” – 2002

Whoa, did they know it was their sixth album when they named it that? This is honestly the least uninterested we’ve been since we started the article.

  1. “Train of Thought” – 2003

Let us know if you’ve heard this one and it had long, wanky instrumental interludes that put you to sleep, not that we give a shit. Would’ve served you right for listening to them in the first place.

  1. “Octavarium” – 2005

Seriously, what’s with Dream Theater and the high school math textbook-ass album art? What’s their record label, McDougal Littell?

  1. “Systematic Chaos” – 2007

Now that’s a Megadeth-sounding title if we’ve ever heard one. God, we wish we had been assigned a “Rust in Peace” album review or something.

  1. “Black Clouds and Silver Linings” – 2009

We’d look up the meanings of these covers if we cared, but we couldn’t be less interested in what an elephant standing on a stack of books in space is symbolism for.

  1. “A Dramatic Turn of Events” – 2011

Only five more to go after this, thank Christ.

  1. “Dream Theater” – 2013

Sooooo edgy for them to finally have a self-titled 12 albums in, right? We bet they patted themselves on the back with a lengthy, over-produced keyboard solo.

  1. “The Astonishing” – 2016

Oh, fuck all the way off with that title.

  1. “Distance Over Time” – 2018

That’s actually kind of a cool album cover, or maybe our dispositions are just starting to brighten knowing we’re almost finished with this goddamn list.

  1. “A View From the Top of the World” – 2021

Coming in at Number 15 is this album whose title we’re not even going to bother to type out again because we’re so checked out!

  1. “Parasomnia” – 2025

You know what? We’re actually going to listen to this to celebrate the end of the article. It probably sucks so—you know what? This isn’t that bad. Fuck. Maybe we should go back and rank these albums for real. Sorry we’ve been so negative this whole time.

RFK Jr. Has Jeans Permanently Fused to Body

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that his favorite pair of blue jeans that he’s always seen wearing has been permanently fused to his body, according to nearby sources who couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

“What better way to make sure I never miss an event than by always being ready with my favorite pair of Levi’s surgically attached to my body,” Kennedy strained to say. “The wonderful doctors and nurses at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center spent 12 hours surgically attaching my 501s to my vaccine‑free body. This will drastically cut down on the time it takes to get dressed each day, so I can get out of the house quicker and get to important business like going for more methylene blue, visiting the farm to drink unpasteurized milk straight from a cow’s udder, or getting a quick swim in at the toxic creek.”

A man walking his dog offered his opinion on the politician jogging past him.

“Whoa, is that guy okay?” said 30-year-old Dirk Debruski. “It’s an absolutely sweltering 90 degrees out here, and this guy’s working out in skin-tight jeans? The fact that he’s shoeless and shirtless doesn’t make it any better. Is he doing some kind of social experiment to see how people react to a psychopath? I’m an army vet who’s been in the shit in the worst war zones all around the world, but I’ve never been more frightened than I am now.”

Political pundit Pavel Drury says politicians often do crazy things in order to stay in the news cycle.

“Though definitely peculiar, what RFK Jr. is doing isn’t that out of the ordinary when politicians are concerned,” explained Drury. “People drawn to careers in the public sector are not like the rest of us. While having a denim exoskeleton bonded to your body would raise some serious alarm bells if a normy did it, for many politicians whose singular drive in life is attention, this barely registers as unusual. Mike Johnson, for instance, is rumored to have a chastity belt permanently covering his groin, with the only two people holding the key being his pastor and his son.”

At press time, the Health Secretary admitted that he wasn’t sure how he would go to the bathroom since the jeans were affixed to him without a zipper or butt flap.

Local Subway Celebrates 5th Anniversary, 2nd Customer

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ARLINGTON, Texas — Five years after celebrating its grand opening, a Subway sandwich shop saw sales double with the arrival of a record-breaking second customer, sources unaware the store still existed report.

“Before today, our only regular was the guy who works at the smoke shop next door,” said 19-year-old sandwich artist Tyler Lamb, the store’s assistant manager and sole employee on duty. “Having a second customer on our anniversary of all days is wild. I just hope he doesn’t sit down at one of the tables because I haven’t wiped them down since the day I thought the health department was coming.”

The customer in question, community college student Sarah Hartwick, was surprised to learn her visit single-handledly doubled the store’s sales.

“Wait, I’m the second customer? Somebody actually bought and ate a sandwich here once before today?” Hartwick said between bites of a tuna footlong. “I know this place popped up like five years ago, but that number seems high considering there’s a perfectly good Jersey Mike’s across the street. And speaking of high, the kid behind the counter stared at me for five full minutes before even asking me what I wanted. I really just wanted the bathroom code but after the third minute of him staring at me, the mystery tuna looked kind of appetizing. Honestly a pretty decent sandwich all things considered.” 

Subway regional manager Tom Howard says situations like these aren’t unusual because many Subway stores only need a single customer to remain profitable.

“Thanks to all the money Jared spent on sandwiches here before he went to prison, we can afford to keep stores running and even open new ones as long as each location has one loyal customer to keep it afloat,” said Howard. “That actually makes us more profitable than other sandwich chains. Jersey Mike’s sold out to private equity, and Jimmy John’s has their guy hunting elephants because they can’t afford regular sandwich meat, but Subway persists. It doesn’t matter that customers don’t plan on visiting Subway. All it takes is one person to end up in one of our stores and discover our tuna is actually pretty good. And if a second customer shows up and makes the same beautiful discovery? That guarantees the store will be a staple of its community for decades to come.”

At press time, fire marshals shut down the Subway for exceeding capacity after a third customer entered the store.

Quiz: Cannibal Corpse Song Title or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub Search History?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Cannibal Corpse is an awesome death metal band from Buffalo, New York, that made a name for themselves in the nineties with their grotesque song lyrics and album art, while Stephen Miller is perhaps the most obvious sexual sadist who’s ever been appointed White House Deputy Chief of Staff for policy. 

After coming into possession of his most recent Pornhub searches through means that we’re not going to divulge, we thought we’d give our readers a fun quiz, so be sure to sound off in the comments and let us know how you do! Are the following Cannibal Corpse song titles or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub search queries?

  1. “Force Fed Broken Glass”

If your answer was Both, great job! This is both a Cannibal Corpse song title from their stellar 1994 album “The Bleeding” as well as a phrase that our current Homeland Security Advisor  has recently typed chickenpeck-style into Pornhub with his left hand while manipulating himself with his right. Let’s move on to the next one!

  1. “Orgasm Through Torture”

Woof, this one is Both again. We’re starting to think Miller has some deep-seated issues that he might want to address with his therapist.

  1. “Drowning in Viscera”

Both. Jesus, are any of these one or the other? Sorry, we really should’ve vetted our questions before writing the quiz.

  1. “Meat Hook Sodomy”

Goddamnit.

  1. “Covered With Sores”

What the fuck; this one is even from the same album as the last! Is he just copying and pasting their discographies during his jerk sessions, or are these coincidences? Honestly, both are equally fucked, so we guess it doesn’t even matter.

  1. “Bent Backwards and Broken”

Both, as if you even needed us to tell you.

  1. “Submerged in Boiling Flesh”

Fuck Stephen Miller

  1. “Skewered From Ear to Eye”

Both. You know what? You can just listen to Cannibal Corpses and enjoy the music without taking the song titles as a guide to pulling your pud. Just a thought.

  1. “Post Mortal Ejaculation”

Alright, we need to end this because it’s starting to upset our stomachs. This should go without saying, but if you’re ever given a glimpse into Stephen Miller’s masturbatory habits, do yourself a favor and run. Let’s do one more.

  1. “Worm Infested”

Ohmygod! We think this is a Stephen Miller original! Hallelujah! This—oh, wait. “Worm Infested” is the self-titled song off a 2003 EP. We quit.

Guy Wearing T-Shirt With Blazer Probably Some Kind of Cool Creative Genius

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A local man who coupled a T-shirt with a blazer must be an absolute creative genius, according to passersby who marvelled at being in such close proximity to this next-level wonderkid. 

“I’m a man of very few words, and that’s why I let my style do all the talking,” stated 43-year-old Bryce Weathers while checking himself out in a store window. “I don’t have time to stop and talk to every person who wants to meet me, so the best way for me to let them know how much of a visionary I am is to wear something that communicates genius, like a T‑shirt and blazer, long before I even open my mouth. You’d be surprised how many times a day I get mistaken for Jack Dorsey.”

The man’s roommate, Kyle Moore, chimed in with his thoughts on Bryce.

“The guy’s a creative genius all right, if that term means someone who steals other people’s clearly labelled food from the fridge then has a meltdown when you call him on it,” said Moore. “If he were really that brilliant, surely he could come up with a way to wash his dishes or find the time to flush the toilet on occasion after he destroys it. The only creative thing about him are the innovative excuses he comes up with for why he can’t make rent. Not to mention that all his T-shirts are way too tight for him. There’s nothing inventive about showing your middle-aged belly fat to the world.”

A fashion expert explained that some individuals use style as a crutch to mask their mediocrity.  

“For those with no substance, fashion becomes a way to fool others into thinking they’re more important than they are,” explained Sandra Flanagan. “You don’t know how many times I’ve watched uninteresting people try to overcompensate for their emptiness by letting a fashion accessory do all the heavy lifting for their personality. If you’ve ever been at a party when a self-important dweeb walks in sporting a fedora or pork pie hat, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

At press time, the creative genius was seen trying to decide which pair of Converse to pair with his outfit.

“I’m About To Be So Annoying” Announces Person Who Was Already Annoying

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him who already found his presence essentially intolerable, confirmed sources who recently blocked him on Instagram.   

“I can’t believe Harry Styles released a dance album and is doing a residency at Madison Square Garden. 30 days. It’s so amazing. I’m about to be so annoying about this. Wait, I’m literally screaming, it’s tears. I’m literally gagging. This is me if you even care,” Roberts squealed as he flipped his phone to display an AI-generated meme and scrolled past dozens of texts he’d sent to his friends that had gone unanswered. “Lowkirkenuinely, I’m like so sorry. Talking to me must be so brain rot. It’s giving irritating.”

On-and-off friend Taylor Jones had a difficult time associated with Roberts at times. 

“I can literally only hang out with him in one-hour increments. He’ll ask me to come over and he will just sit on his phone and talk about pop culture references,” said Jones ignoring eight straight texts from Roberts. “Genuinely, I don’t think he has a personality. I don’t understand how someone can be online as much as he is. We are all in our 20s. We all have jobs. How is your personal phone screen time nine hours when you have a full-time job? He makes good matchas though, so the friendship isn’t a total waste of time.” 

Despite the devotion of fans like Roberts, even singer Harry Styles finds them incredibly fucking infuriating. 

“Honestly, these bitches are fucking insufferable, but getting them to pay top dollar for nosebleeds at Madison Square Garden is like taking candy from a baby that won’t stop crying during a flight,” said Styles. “Wait, is this on the record? Delete that. Delete that shit right now. My fans can find out where you live in 30 seconds flat. It’s so exasperating.”

At press time, Roberts was found asking friends if they’re mad at him despite not even knowing that his friends had been mad at him for days.

My Life is Just Like ‘Euphoria’ Except for All the Sex, Drugs, and Friends

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’ve heard of people getting their identities stolen, but what I just experienced takes it to a whole other level. It was another Saturday night when I was watching the HBO show Euphoria alone at home, like I always do, when I realized that what was depicted on screen was basically my entire friggin’ life. Not counting all that sex, drugs, and general camaraderie between characters, of course. 

I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but when presented with irrefutable evidence about the network co-opting my life, there’s no other conclusion I can make. Did they have a TV executive follow me around for the past decade, documenting all my movements, or have they been Truman-Showing me without my knowledge after installing hidden cameras everywhere? Because that’s the feeling I’m really getting watching this show, by myself in my basement apartment like every other night of the year, pounding back bottles of Monster Energy, because everyone else sucks.

Sydney Sweeney, who plays Cassie Howard, looks and acts exactly like a girl I was hot and heavy with back in college. Her name was Polly, and she was the spitting image of this character, and more importantly, she had the same insatiable sex drive. At least she did when I fantasized about her in algebra class, as I was too chicken shit to ever approach her.

Then there’s Zendaya’s character, Rue, fighting her way through horrible addictions to opioids, fentanyl, and coke, which feels oddly familiar to my own history with substances that I can’t seem to control, like my compulsion for Red Bull, Rockstar, G Fuel, Ghost, Gorilla Mind, Bang, and the aforementioned Monster. 

If that wasn’t bad enough, now I’m watching The Pitt, and yup, all my concerns were just validated because yet another HBO program is stealing from my life! It’s so plainly obvious that Noah Wyle’s Dr. Rabinavitch was based on me. Sure, I may not be as handsome or as medically informed, but I have logged an absurd number of hours in the ER thanks to chronic nosebleeds from all those tasty energy drinks.

Visionary Photographer Tells Band to Look as Bored as Possible

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LOS ANGELES — A visionary photographer told the band Murder Muffin to look as bored as possible during a photo shoot for an album cover, sources confirmed.

“I told Murder Muffin to get on board with my vision or I’ll take my art somewhere more deserving,” said Dean Chapman, legendary music photographer. “I need everyone looking bored. Look off in the distance and disassociate, like you’re walking out of an airplane bathroom you just nuked. Be bored and you’ll look bored. Not high-bored. Not too-cool-for-this bored. I need bored-bored. Ever see an album cover or a show poster where each member of the band is dressed differently and looks vaguely disappointed about it so they look away from the camera? Of course you haven’t, but you will after today. Start getting bored right now or I’ll tell you about the dream I had last night or show you the AI art I made or have you smell my candle collection. I have fucking thousands of candles.”

The members of Murder Muffin did their best to live up to Chapman’s vision.

“We respect the artistic process. We do method stuff, too, like how we rented out a rehearsal space that’s haunted by the time the Red Hot Chili Peppers played there. I think the end result will be worth it. No one has ever shot a band like this, where everyone just sort of stands there like they’re waiting for their order at Chik-fil-A,” said Vix Rockwater, rhythm triangle player for Murder Muffin. “This is our way of paying homage to the bands that influence us, like Sonic Youth, The Strokes, and Babes in Toyland. The difference is they only looked bored. We’re doing the real thing, and in another 17 hours, I think we’ll have it.”

Scott Stapp, vocalist for the multi-platinum rock band Creed, cautioned Murder Muffin about taking the artistic process too far.

“We brought in a visionary photographer for the ‘Weathered’ album cover, too. That’s the album where all the band members’ faces are baked into the side of a tree. You’ll never guess how we got our faces into that tree, and you really won’t guess how we got them out of there,” Stapp said. “I’d tell Murder Muffin the same thing I told Turnstile and Viagra Boys: can Creed open for you? We’re looking to get back to it now that ‘One Last Breath’ is a meme.”

As of press time, Murder Muffin’s label opted to use an “even more visionary” solid black square for the album cover instead.

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